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Author Topic: Buy a gift or are we good? They're married!  (Read 9508 times)

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otterwoman

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Buy a gift or are we good? They're married!
« on: December 29, 2015, 07:28:53 PM »
Dh is in a wedding taking place on New Years Eve. Tux is rented. We found out last week that the dinner is pot luck, wedding party is supposed to provide food. He tried to talk me into making lasagna for 60. I put my foot down. No. We got a couple of frozen lasagnas instead. The bachelor/bachelorette party was also potluck.

Now DH is wondering if we should still be buying a gift for them? The cost of the tux and the food we've already provided is more than we would have spent on a gift.

DH pointed out that we've spent more on their wedding than we did on our own.

So, do we get a gift also?
« Last Edit: December 31, 2015, 06:52:43 PM by otterwoman »

katycoo

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2015, 07:32:18 PM »
I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't be catering - particularly if not formally asked well in advance.

menley

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2015, 07:44:27 PM »
I generally don't take into account the cost of the tux rental or dress purchase when considering a gift (even as a bridesmaid/groomsman), but I do think being asked to provide food last-minute would certainly lessen my gift or eliminate it altogether. If they have a registry, I'd look for an item on the lower end (less than $20 - like a picture frame) and send that with a card, at most.

Runningstar

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2015, 07:49:40 PM »
Wow - that hopefully isn't a trend.  This is really something I've never heard of.  I've heard of aunts and grandmothers all bringing dishes, but never the wedding party itself. 

I would actually most likely get them something, but within your budget, and the cost of the food has to be factored in.

Alicia

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2015, 07:51:31 PM »
Skip the gift. Give a nice card .
Also this has forever wedding disaster story written all over it. Also bring an apron so you don't get lasagna on your nice clothes

sammycat

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2015, 08:27:06 PM »
I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't be catering - particularly if not formally asked well in advance.

Pod!

Bales

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2015, 08:31:30 PM »
A New Year's Eve wedding requiring a tux that's also pot luck (and a nearly-surprise pot luck, it sounds like!)?  What the heck?  In my book, your gift is the lasagna.  What is the host actually providing?


otterwoman

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2015, 08:33:05 PM »
A New Year's Eve wedding requiring a tux that's also pot luck (and a nearly-surprise pot luck, it sounds like!)?  What the heck?  In my book, your gift is the lasagna.  What is the host actually providing?

I'm not sure, I think it's also a cash bar...  ::)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2015, 10:14:27 PM »
A New Year's Eve wedding requiring a tux that's also pot luck (and a nearly-surprise pot luck, it sounds like!)?  What the heck?  In my book, your gift is the lasagna.  What is the host actually providing?

I'm not sure, I think it's also a cash bar...  ::)

Give a card and a note saying how happy you were to be able to contribute to their wedding day.

But you need to make sure to update on this event because I too was marveling at a tux required pot luck wedding.

lakey

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2015, 12:48:41 AM »
Lasagne  for 60? I'll bet your husband has no idea what that would cost to make, or the amount of work.
I do not approve of asking guests, including wedding party to provide the food for a wedding reception. I could see having very close relatives like parents, grandparents, and siblings do it.
I would give them a nice card. I also wonder if the couple are mature enough for marriage. I actually feel a bit sorry for them. They sound like they have no idea what they are doing with this wedding and are in way over their heads.

Meletiquette

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2015, 09:09:00 AM »
A potluck wedding dinner catered by the wedding party is definitely a new one for me. I do wonder if the potluck aspect was mentioned to DH a long time ago and he just forgot and/or didn't understand that the wedding party was supposed to be doing this (this would have been my DH's reaction, given that this request is so unusual), and "finding out" last week was really just a reminder/final check of what you would be bringing. Regardless, I think the frozen lasagnas are fine as your "gift". I would also give a card. I might be inclined to give an additional small gift ($25 or less) but I don't think you are obligated.

Moreover, I'm confused about the logistics of the potluck. Are you expected to heat them up ahead of time, or will they provide a kitchen to do this? Will someone be in charge, or is everyone responsible for making sure their own dish is prepared and on the serving table? This has disaster written all over it. And I agree with others who are confused by the requirement of a tux - the dress code certainly doesn't match the potluck vibe.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2015, 09:15:05 AM »
Your potluck contribution is your gift, IMO.  Though I agree that if you are feeling a bit weird about it, a small gift card tucked into card would be fine.  Restaurant or home improvement store (if they have a house) would be my inclination.

It isn't unusual to be on the hook for your own clothing purchase or rental in my social circles.  So I wouldn't factor that into my gift too much.  Last time I was a bridesmaid, the bride told me not to get them anything because I'd already spent enough on clothes, nails and hair.  Which I couldn't do so I got them a token $25 gift of something I knew she wanted.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

rose red

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2015, 09:19:09 AM »
There are exceptions to every rule, but if there isn't anything unusual about this couple, I'd consider the food the gift and nothing extra is required.

lowspark

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2015, 09:24:06 AM »
A New Year's Eve wedding requiring a tux that's also pot luck (and a nearly-surprise pot luck, it sounds like!)?  What the heck?  In my book, your gift is the lasagna.  What is the host actually providing?

I'm not sure, I think it's also a cash bar...  ::)

Wow. I'm mostly posting for the update after NYE but I'd probably skip the gift.

I wouldn't really be thrilled at the aspect of a wedding on NYE in the first place, but ok, if it's someone I'm close enough to that they asked me (or DH) to be in the wedding, I'll concede. But on top of that, I'm expected to make a boatload of lasagna and I'm told about that a week before?

This is a perfect opportunity for that time-honored Ehell phrase, "I'm afraid that won't be possible." But ok, you're going to be nice and pick up a couple of frozen lasagnas. Those things cost about $30 each, right? So you spent $60ish. Plus the effort of bringing it already warmed up.

I'm curious what time this wedding will be. Will you actually be there toasting 2016 at midnight? If so, do you have to buy your own glass of champagne to do so? Or will all be wrapped up by 8 pm so you can go on to your own NYE revelry?

This whole thing sounds like a case of wanting to do something sort spectacular for the wedding without any money or real planning.
Houston 
Texas 
USA 

mstigerlily

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Re: Buy a gift or are we good?
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2015, 10:11:15 AM »
 
Quote
Also bring an apron so you don't get lasagna on your nice clothes

And cookie sheets or sheet trays because the pans frozen meals come in are super flimsy once the food is no longer frozen.


« Last Edit: January 01, 2016, 02:06:23 PM by mstigerlily »