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Author Topic: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time  (Read 9350 times)

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Katana_Geldar

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2016, 05:18:27 PM »
He's not on the invitation, but it doesn't say no children and he's not the age to get invited anyway as he doesn't get a plate or seat.

Alicia

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #16 on: January 07, 2016, 05:21:56 PM »
If he is not on the invitation he is not invited.  I would not bring him at all.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2016, 05:23:55 PM »
Geez, that's helpful.  >:(

CakeEater

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #18 on: January 07, 2016, 05:25:32 PM »
He's not on the invitation, but it doesn't say no children and he's not the age to get invited anyway as he doesn't get a plate or seat.

He's not invited at all then. Please don't show up at either ceremony or reception with an uninvited toddler!

SiotehCat

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #19 on: January 07, 2016, 05:26:30 PM »
Yeah. I agree with a previous poster. Only people listed on the invitation are invited. Unless they have called to tell you otherwise.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #20 on: January 07, 2016, 05:28:36 PM »
When we RSVPed to HC we did I check it was okay to bring DS and he wouldn't need a plate or seat. They didn't object at all and said they were looking forward to seeing all of us. If it was going to be not okay or a child free wedding, that would be time to tell us. Back in October where we could make arrangements.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2016, 05:35:40 PM by Katana_Geldar »

CakeEater

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #21 on: January 07, 2016, 05:32:35 PM »
When we RSVPed to HC we did indicate DS would be with us but wouldn't need a plate or seat. They didn't object at all and said they were looking forward to seeing all of us.

Well, you put them in a pretty awkward position of either agreeing to include an uninvited guest, or in essence saying, 'Well, none of you come, then.' That's difficult. I had to do it myself at my own child-free wedding.

In that scenario, I'd say definitely skip the ceremony. Especially, as it sounds like the host couple don't particularly enjoy child noises.

greencat

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #22 on: January 07, 2016, 05:35:52 PM »
Haven't you read any of the threads where this issue was broached from the other side, that of the people whose family and friends insisted on bringing their uninvited children, of all ages from newborn to adult, to weddings and parties?

The general consensus has always been that it is rude, rude, rude.  They might have been okay with your son being at the resort, because that doesn't affect the wedding, but since you indicated that he was simply coming and didn't need a plate or seat of his own, they might have assumed you have arrangements to watch him during the ceremony.

Your son should definitely not be in attendance.  Can you call the resort and ask them if they can recommend a babysitting service for an afternoon?  Since it's his normal naptime, he should be fairly easy to watch for a few hours.  Otherwise, I think your plan to not attend so you can watch your child is a good one.

Zizi-K

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #23 on: January 07, 2016, 05:42:10 PM »
Katana,

I think you should do whatever makes the most sense for your family. I personally think it would be fine if you brought your child to the ceremony, but sat in the back and were prepared to exit if he made a lot of noise. I also think it would be fine if you had to skip the ceremony so that he would be well-behaved during the reception. Frankly, I don't think the HC will notice whether you're there or not, as it will be a highly emotionally charged moment for them, and they'll be focused on the ceremony rather than craning around trying to see who's there. I also do not recommend that your husband apologize for your not being there unless it comes up. Because again, its not something they will even be aware of.

When I was a bride, I wouldn't have cared either way, and would have been glad that you made the trip and participated as much as you could.


Katana_Geldar

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #24 on: January 07, 2016, 05:42:38 PM »
I checked with the resort and they don't have child care and legally can't recommend any either.

I've also never seen children actually INVITED to weddings in my circle unless they're getting a plate and a chair. Then they're in the headcount, which DS isn't.

The HC have known for some time we'd be coming with DS and are okay with it. The groom said as much to DH on the Bucks night a few weeks back. It's really about bringing him in a way that doesn't disrupt them. This doesn't just mean not going to the ceremony, but DH and I tag teaming looking after him during the reception and taking him on walks around as the reception will probably be outside.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #25 on: January 07, 2016, 05:58:45 PM »
I think it's fine. I've yet to meet a couple who could tell you who attended the reception but not the ceremony unless it was under 30 guests. I'd be hurt if my best friend or sister, but your plans seems extremely reasonable to me.

I can tell you who came to my reception but not the ceremony, because he (a good friend of mine) asked me if it was okay for him to do it.  ;D And I was happy that he was coming to share the day with us even though he hates organised religion, which I'm pretty sure a lot of people wouldn't think was a 'good enough' reason to skip, so OP's friends might feel the same way! I certainly would have thought "my child is probably going to be disruptive" was a good reason.

Katana, if I were you I'd just ask the happy couple if they're okay with your plans. You know better than us if your local weddings are usually 'tiny children are not named on invitations but are expected to come' so I'm not going to give you grief over that, especially since you checked.  :-* If necessary you can explain the gap between accepting the invitation and asking about not attending the ceremony by saying you weren't sure how your son would be dealing with nap times etc until recently. Given how fast babies develop and change, it's even true!
"Set aphasia to stun!"

HannahGrace

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #26 on: January 07, 2016, 06:07:46 PM »
You don't seem interested in any advice you are being given. Why did you post?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2016, 06:14:00 PM »
I think it's fine. I've yet to meet a couple who could tell you who attended the reception but not the ceremony unless it was under 30 guests. I'd be hurt if my best friend or sister, but your plans seems extremely reasonable to me.

I can tell you who came to my reception but not the ceremony, because he (a good friend of mine) asked me if it was okay for him to do it. ;D And I was happy that he was coming to share the day with us even though he hates organised religion, which I'm pretty sure a lot of people wouldn't think was a 'good enough' reason to skip, so OP's friends might feel the same way! I certainly would have thought "my child is probably going to be disruptive" was a good reason.

Katana, if I were you I'd just ask the happy couple if they're okay with your plans. You know better than us if your local weddings are usually 'tiny children are not named on invitations but are expected to come' so I'm not going to give you grief over that, especially since you checked.  :-* If necessary you can explain the gap between accepting the invitation and asking about not attending the ceremony by saying you weren't sure how your son would be dealing with nap times etc until recently. Given how fast babies develop and change, it's even true!

Well, yeah, I had a couple of people tell me they'd only be able to make the receptions and a few tell me they'd only be able to make the ceremony. But if there was others who skipped the ceremony and came to the reception, I really have no idea. And I wouldn't have cared. (Actually, two of the people who could only attended the ceremony were co-worker friends and I was a little disspointed that I didn't get a chance to greet them on my wedding day. So now thinking about it, I'd much rather have people at the reception so that I can visit with them.)

menley

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #28 on: January 07, 2016, 06:20:21 PM »
Katana, you've been an active member of these forums for quite some time.

I find it really hard to believe you've somehow missed the numerous discussions on here where those who are not explicitly named on the invitation are not invited, and the numerous further discussions of people bringing uninvited children.

Alongside that, you mention in a follow-up post that the bride was visibly unhappy at your bringing your infant to her engagement party.

Adding these things up, and your follow-up posts where you counter everyone's reasonable suggestions with arguments, it sounds like you don't care that your child isn't invited and plan to bring him anyway, and therefore I'm echoing HannahGrace's question of why on earth you're posting?

Your child wasn't invited, and you put the hosts in a very awkward situation of accepting that you were bringing him anyway. So my advice, assuming you actually want any, is that you would ask the hosts what they would prefer you do to, 1) your plan of bringing him to the reception only, and you also only attending the reception, or 2) neither you nor your child attending either ceremony or reception and sending your husband alone. I wouldn't suggest bringing him to the ceremony and taking him out when he's distracting, as you've already done that to the bride at her engagement party and made her unhappy there.

Alternatively, it's not very difficult to find reputable caregivers online in the US; I imagine Australia has equivalent resources, and you could leave your child in the care of a highly rated caregiver for a few hours while you attend the ceremony and a reasonable portion of the reception.

Oh Joy

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Re: Skipping ceremony for toddler nap time
« Reply #29 on: January 07, 2016, 06:43:27 PM »
OP, I think I finally put my finger on what's bugging me as the hypothetical bride, even though of course it's the right thing to not bring a tired and cranky toddler to a solemn ceremony. 

You've built this family vacation around our wedding.  You decided to take your toddler out of his home environment, for a long car ride, to sleep in an unfamiliar hotel room for multiple nights,  eating different foods, and visiting new places.  And that's fine with you.  But you're not even considering that you'll try to attend our ceremony because you're so sure that the afternoon nap schedule for that particular day will interfere.

Every family parents and vacations differently.   But what I'm hearing from you isn't "we'll see how the day goes, and if DS is owly that afternoon we'll make a Plan B."  It feels like we (as the HC) are just an excuse for your trip and a free meal for the part of our day that you're interested in.

Your intentions may be different,  but you've asked how it may look to others.


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