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Author Topic: Already married  (Read 17086 times)

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greencat

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Re: Already married
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2016, 06:19:09 PM »
Can you cancel just the ceremony portion of the event without being out too much?  Five months is far too short a time lapse for a vow renewal, IMO. 

"As you may know, our mothers are in declining health, and we have opted to have a small, private wedding ceremony ASAP to insure that our mothers are still alive to witness it.  However, we hope that you join us for our wedding reception in July."

gellchom

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Re: Already married
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2016, 10:33:02 PM »
  I would take a moment and try to nail down how many people wont just know organically.  IE your siblings will know , I assume youre Mother and Mils siblings will know , your BBFs should know .  If you find out there are 15 people you wouldn't tell orgnaically , then I would just make sure they know if its 90 people then I would change the invites.

This is excellent advice.

It would help keep this poignant element from being the focus of the invitation for a joyous event, too.  I would keep it as minimal as possible.  I really like the idea of not changing the invitations at all, but just slipping a note into some, or, if it's just a few, letting them know some other way, what the circumstance is. 

JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2016, 02:17:28 AM »
I am surprised at how "getting married privately before getting married publicly" has kind of taken off.

My sister and her husband did it over 30 years ago.  I was her maid of honor and I didn't know they had "eloped" prior to the BWW (actually a BRW) until many years later.   They did it for tax reasons.
 
Her son just did the same thing this past summer.  I found out after his BWW that he and his fiancÚ were privately married by the same preacher who "married" them on the "big day."  They did this for insurance reasons.
 
And believe it or not, my son's future Father-in law tried to push my son and his fiancÚ into getting married civilly the day before the BWW.  He was paying for this huge extravaganza and he wanted them to go downtown and git her done the very day before!

Supposedly this was going to help her immigration status, although I don't know how a day would make a difference.  My son very strongly declined.  For them, it was about the moment, whether that took place in front of a JP or the BWW, there would be only one.

Now, I used to come down fully on the side of "you get one" so pick one.  But, you know what?  Getting older has changed my mind--I don't care!

Pretend to get married for the first time in front of me--mean it with all your heart, wear the dress, the suit, have the pageantry, great food, dancing and my favorite: CAKE!!!  and I will bring you a very nice gift and celebrate your happiness.

You find yourselves in a most difficult situation.  The very least of your worries should be what other people think given these dire circumstances.  You certainly have a much better reason than taxes or insurance.

Do what you need to do.  And if people ask, just explain that you had to do it this way so that your mothers could be there--that you put together a ceremony and small party and got married.  It's going to be hard enough to repeat it months later, particularly if they are gone.

I would let people know by word of mouth.  You could even say something at the wedding in July so that you are not fooling people (like my sister and nephew).

But, honestly, you seem to have your heart in the right place--you want to do the right thing and what you are trying to accomplish is nothing anyone wants to have to be in a position to consider.

I'm willing to grant a "get out of ehell free" card.

Just do the best that you can--do what you need to do for your mother, mother-in-law and your family and friends.

I wish you the best of luck.

Margo

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Re: Already married
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2016, 04:53:12 AM »
I's agree that you can add a note to the invitations, or you could let people know spearately by contacting them closer to the time - say late March,  sending a note at that point to say "as you may know, unfortunately both Mother & MIL are very unwell, so we were married at a small, priave ceremony on [date] s that they could see us married. We wil still be going ahead with our public ceremony and reception on [date] and look forward to seeing you there"
Is there a reason you are sending out the invitations so early? For a jUly wedding, I would have thought that sending them out in late MArch would be fine, and then you could include the info that the weddign ceremony had alredady taken place in the envelope with the invitation.

That avoids the issue of peopel thinking that you are changing the date and that everyone is invited, it's still far encough ahead of the wedding date that if anyone decides that the information changes their plans there is time for them (and you) to do so before you have to finalise numbers for your caterers etc. (I think most people would entirely understand and be fine with it, but people are weird, so giving enpough notice that anyone who wants to go off in a huff, can, is very sensible)

Seeker23

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Re: Already married
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2016, 05:19:50 AM »
Is there a reason you are sending out the invitations so early? For a jUly wedding, I would have thought that sending them out in late MArch would be fine, and then you could include the info that the weddign ceremony had alredady taken place in the envelope with the invitation.
The invites are ready to go because my mother was writing them when she first got diagnosed to keep her mind off what was happening.  The envelopes are not sealed as we need to add the rsvp information, which we are going to do this weekend. I would then like to mail out the invites after March 16th, which is when we are getting married, so then nobody can 'force their way in' to the ceremony. I'm the youngest of this generation of cousins/Niblings etc so my wedding is unfortunately a Big Deal. So trying to keep everyone happy is quite hard! Fortunately my other half has a very small family so he doesn't have this trouble.

Margo

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Re: Already married
« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2016, 05:23:41 AM »
In that case, I would definitely wait and post them out after 16th March, including the information that ypou are married already but will still be celebrating

gellchom

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Re: Already married
« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2016, 06:14:34 AM »
I just remembered that a few years ago, friends of ours were in this situation. The bride's mom had cancer and it looked like she wouldn't live until the wedding.  So they had a small, immediate families only (I guess) ceremony but left the wedding plans in place. They didn't include a note or anything so far as I know (our invitation had none, anyway).  And by the way, my friend lived long enough to attend the BWW, looked beautiful, had a wonderful time, and died a few days later. 

The more I think about it, the less inclined I would be to make an announcement of any kind or even change the name of the event (I personally would prefer, and be less confused, by an invitation to a "wedding" than a "vow renewal" or "blessing" or "celebration" even knowing there was an earlier ceremony.  Those even moderately close to either family will know anyway, and how much would peripherals care? 

Honestly, it's really none of their business. Even for those who consider this a no-no, so what?  There are people who would also disapprove of a nonvirgin bride or a marriage where one of the couple didn't get a religious annulment or divorce from a previous marriage and so forth. But they aren't owed official disclosure of all the particulars.  You'd be surprised how many weddings take place where the couple is already legally married a few days before or even after the wedding.  You can disagree that it's okay to call more than one ritual a "wedding," but I think a guest who would consider themselves "defrauded" is being ridiculous.  The only time I think it's even eyeroll-worthy is when the couple is trying to have things both ways, like a destination wedding plus a BWW or two weddings in different cities, or trying to maximize gifts.  This isn't remotely like that. 

OP, if you have a few guests that you think would want to be told, then tell them.  But I'd let the default to be not to lie about it if it comes up, but not to make a point of telling people either.  It otherwise makes it too important an issue, and it really isn't. 

If you're having a religious wedding, you could do that one and the civil one separately. 


auntmeegs

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Re: Already married
« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2016, 09:00:42 AM »
I just remembered that a few years ago, friends of ours were in this situation. The bride's mom had cancer and it looked like she wouldn't live until the wedding.  So they had a small, immediate families only (I guess) ceremony but left the wedding plans in place. They didn't include a note or anything so far as I know (our invitation had none, anyway).  And by the way, my friend lived long enough to attend the BWW, looked beautiful, had a wonderful time, and died a few days later. 

The more I think about it, the less inclined I would be to make an announcement of any kind or even change the name of the event (I personally would prefer, and be less confused, by an invitation to a "wedding" than a "vow renewal" or "blessing" or "celebration" even knowing there was an earlier ceremony.  Those even moderately close to either family will know anyway, and how much would peripherals care? 

Honestly, it's really none of their business. Even for those who consider this a no-no, so what?  There are people who would also disapprove of a nonvirgin bride or a marriage where one of the couple didn't get a religious annulment or divorce from a previous marriage and so forth. But they aren't owed official disclosure of all the particulars.  You'd be surprised how many weddings take place where the couple is already legally married a few days before or even after the wedding.  You can disagree that it's okay to call more than one ritual a "wedding," but I think a guest who would consider themselves "defrauded" is being ridiculous.  The only time I think it's even eyeroll-worthy is when the couple is trying to have things both ways, like a destination wedding plus a BWW or two weddings in different cities, or trying to maximize gifts.  This isn't remotely like that. 

OP, if you have a few guests that you think would want to be told, then tell them.  But I'd let the default to be not to lie about it if it comes up, but not to make a point of telling people either.  It otherwise makes it too important an issue, and it really isn't. 

If you're having a religious wedding, you could do that one and the civil one separately.

POD to all of this. 

And (((hugs))) to you Seeker23

Lynn2000

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Re: Already married
« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2016, 09:49:24 AM »
I feel pretty strongly that you (general) should let guests know what they are witnessing. That is, after all, the point of having guests at a "wedding"--you invite them to do you the favor of witnessing your milestone life transition. Then you thank them with the party afterwards.

If it's just a few days between a quiet courthouse paper signing and the big extravaganza, and you're in a culture where it's common to separate the civil and religious/social portions, you can probably assume the guests are familiar with this idea and okay with it. In my circle, it's very uncommon to separate parts of the event, and (to my knowledge) I've never attended a "wedding" where the HC were actually already married, in any sense. ETA: Or actually didn't get married at the "wedding"/shortly afterwards.

I think in this case, your plan of getting married in March is wonderful, and will be very meaningful and important to your mothers. But what happens in July is then not a wedding. You can still have a big party, and even a ceremony of some kind--I really like the idea of calling it a "blessing" if you are religious, or a "celebration" if you aren't. Perhaps the officiant could speak about your decision to get married earlier, and say kind things about how much your mothers appreciated it. To me there's nothing to be embarrassed about or keep secret--I think it's a very good plan overall. Just make it clear to everyone who is only invited to the July event, that it isn't a wedding, because you are already married. That is being honest, and giving people the information they need to make their decisions.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2016, 03:02:24 PM by Lynn2000 »
~Lynn2000

Margo

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Re: Already married
« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2016, 02:46:09 PM »

Honestly, it's really none of their business. Even for those who consider this a no-no, so what?  There are people who would also disapprove of a nonvirgin bride or a marriage where one of the couple didn't get a religious annulment or divorce from a previous marriage and so forth. But they aren't owed official disclosure of all the particulars.  You'd be surprised how many weddings take place where the couple is already legally married a few days before or even after the wedding.  You can disagree that it's okay to call more than one ritual a "wedding," but I think a guest who would consider themselves "defrauded" is being ridiculous.  The only time I think it's even eyeroll-worthy is when the couple is trying to have things both ways, like a destination wedding plus a BWW or two weddings in different cities, or trying to maximize gifts.  This isn't remotely like that. 


I don't agree that it is none of their business. If you are invited to a wedding a part of that is that you are being invited to witness the marriage. I don't think that a guest would legitimately feel 'defrauded', but I think that  a lot of people would feel a little hurt - and many might feel that that couple had lied by omission.

A relative of mine got married early. In their case, it was due to a sudden and very specific  change to some immigration-related rules, and it was a very sensible  decision for them to have made, as the alternative would have meant a huge and probably very expensive delay in relation's spouse being able to start their career.

They didn't  tell anyone, we all attended the wedding ceremony in church. The truth came out several months later and I know that a lot of the guests did feel that it was a bit 'off' , and one or two  people did feel very strongly about it (I know of at least one who was very upset as they had religious scruples, and felt that it was disrespectful to pretend that a marriage ceremony was taking place,  and another who was upset for the opposite reason, as they have  very strong personal objections to organised religion,  and to the specific denomination  in which the wedding took place more than to most - they were prepared to sacrifice their own principals to attend the wedding of a close family member but would not have attended for a blessing or vow renewal - they felt that they had been misled.)

I think that even if they had gone with a very brief explanation at the start of the ceremony, or even at the reception, people would have felt much better about it.

I agree that if you are in an area or culture where it is common to have a separate civil and religious ceremony then I think it is different, but OP is getting married in England where that isn't normally the case. I think you're fine to keep the original wording and to describe it as a wedding, but I do think that at some point at or before the ceremony you should be honest with people.

(As I understand it, OP is not planning to hide it from anyone, it's just about the wording and the timing to let people know)

mime

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Re: Already married
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2016, 03:16:59 PM »
I agree with the others-- add a note to your invitations to let your guests know the situation. If your guest list isn't too large, consider also letting people know in person. The people who care about you and your fiancÚ should understand that these things happen and you're making the best choices you can in the situation.

We've seen before on this forum that people will feel misled if you don't keep them informed of exactly what's going on, so be upfront and let them decide if they're happy enough to be part of a celebration/blessing/other-than-civil-wedding. Again, I believe that those who care about you will celebrate with you regardless.

I'm so sorry about your mom and MIL. Best wishes to you for your March and July celebrations.


QueenfaninCA

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Re: Already married
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2016, 05:23:37 PM »
Can you cancel just the ceremony portion of the event without being out too much?  Five months is far too short a time lapse for a vow renewal, IMO. 

"As you may know, our mothers are in declining health, and we have opted to have a small, private wedding ceremony ASAP to insure that our mothers are still alive to witness it.  However, we hope that you join us for our wedding reception in July."

POD. Re-enactments are fine for important historic events that happened many years back. OPs wedding is neither.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2016, 05:46:02 PM »
Can you cancel just the ceremony portion of the event without being out too much?  Five months is far too short a time lapse for a vow renewal, IMO. 

"As you may know, our mothers are in declining health, and we have opted to have a small, private wedding ceremony ASAP to insure that our mothers are still alive to witness it.  However, we hope that you join us for our wedding reception in July."

POD. Re-enactments are fine for important historic events that happened many years back. OPs wedding is neither.

If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Margo

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Re: Already married
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2016, 03:55:38 AM »
Can you cancel just the ceremony portion of the event without being out too much?  Five months is far too short a time lapse for a vow renewal, IMO. 

"As you may know, our mothers are in declining health, and we have opted to have a small, private wedding ceremony ASAP to insure that our mothers are still alive to witness it.  However, we hope that you join us for our wedding reception in July."

POD. Re-enactments are fine for important historic events that happened many years back. OPs wedding is neither.

I think holding the ceremeony is absolutely fine, the only issue would be if people were not aware that the legal marriage had alreayd taken place, and OP isn't proposing to hide that, the only issue is the woirding and timing to let people know. Comparing it to an historical reenactment is bizarre

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Already married
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2016, 12:47:44 PM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.


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