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  • November 21, 2017, 08:13:29 PM

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Author Topic: Already married  (Read 16980 times)

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JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2016, 01:17:39 PM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.

It's not just for show.  And is it not a crisis that both mothers of the couple suffering from and dying of cancer?
Actually can't think of a better reason for it. 



mime

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Re: Already married
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2016, 01:20:08 PM »
But a lot of people want that 'show' and the traditions that go with it-- wear a beautiful dress and walk down the aisle and light candles or pour sand or other symbolic gestures, have music, and make a big deal of the whole thing.

I'd have no problem with a ceremony being part of the celebration of vows that took place and/or papers that were signed some time earlier without the big to-do.


QueenfaninCA

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Re: Already married
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2016, 01:24:04 PM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.

It's not just for show.  And is it not a crisis that both mothers of the couple suffering from and dying of cancer?
Actually can't think of a better reason for it.

I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Alicia

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Re: Already married
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2016, 01:24:42 PM »
I suggest just doing the reception later skipping the vow remewal of 3 months.  I love viewing weddings but a theatrical production 3 months post wedding would have my eyes tolling out of my head. That said moving the wedding up due to family health and having a giant party reception 3 months later would have me understanding and thrilled for your marriage.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2016, 02:18:48 PM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.

It's not just for show.  And is it not a crisis that both mothers of the couple suffering from and dying of cancer?
Actually can't think of a better reason for it.

I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

CakeEater

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Re: Already married
« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2016, 02:46:16 PM »
I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

Because the couple might feel that they haven't kept to the original vows, thus voiding them in a way, and wish to make new vows that they're newly committed to keeping.

I would vote for something like a blessing and adding a note in the invitations to be sent after the real wedding- have the dress and the cars and everything, but no 'wedding' ceremony.

The OP might find that three months of really being married makes having a second ceremony feel a bit silly for her and her DH anyway, regardless of the feelings of the guests.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2016, 02:49:30 PM by CakeEater »

mandycorn

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Re: Already married
« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2016, 04:18:16 PM »
OP, first of all, you have my sympathies during what must be a very difficult and stressful situation, mixed in with what was supposed to be just a joyous occasion.

I think two ceremonies is one of those things that strict etiquette frowns upon, but that's at a theoretical level (as all etiquette rules must be). Real life is messy and once the facts are clear, most people who know you and wish you well will understand and probably not give it a second thought, or if they are truly bothered by it, will just decline to attend without explaining.



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kudeebee

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Re: Already married
« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2016, 04:37:16 PM »
I am in the camp of cancel the ceremony and have the reception.  You can still wear your dress; groom can still wear his tux.

If you still want to do a ceremony, I wouldn't do a vow renewal.  You are already married and will have done the vows.  Maybe a very simple blessing --you and dh walk down aisle together to the officiant.  He does a shortened blessing; you walk out. 

You could even do the blessing at the wedding reception site as well.

gramma dishes

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Re: Already married
« Reply #38 on: February 11, 2016, 04:44:37 PM »
If I were one of your guests, I'd understand the reason for your earlier quiet, intimate ceremony.  Of course you want both mothers there to see the two of you begin your new life together.

And I can tell you with absolute honesty that I wouldn't blink an eye at your having another ceremony in a small church or a huge cathedral on the previously planned wedding day. 

I'm not sure what the pastor/priest/rabbi person would want to call it, but in some cultures there are always two ceremonies.  One at our equivalent of a courthouse for legality and the other in a house of worship with friends and family as a religious rite.  Two different kinds of ceremonies, each having a valid place.

And I'd follow it up with your reception as you had originally planned.  Why not?

rose red

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Re: Already married
« Reply #39 on: February 11, 2016, 05:23:47 PM »
There's etiquette rules and there's people. Etiquette is a guide; not a law. This is the ultimate sad situation and I'm having a hard time with this getting put in the "having their cake and eating it" category. This isn't like giggling and running off to Vegas and then having a BWW later.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #40 on: February 11, 2016, 05:41:08 PM »
I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

Because the couple might feel that they haven't kept to the original vows, thus voiding them in a way, and wish to make new vows that they're newly committed to keeping.

???  That would be a really weird thing to make public.

greencat

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Re: Already married
« Reply #41 on: February 11, 2016, 06:29:37 PM »
I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

Because the couple might feel that they haven't kept to the original vows, thus voiding them in a way, and wish to make new vows that they're newly committed to keeping.

???  That would be a really weird thing to make public.

Some couples separate (in the legal sense) and then reconcile instead of proceeding to a divorce.  That's the usual situation for that kind of vow renewal, since the separation is usually public knowledge, and the renewal is literally re-establishing them as a couple in the eyes of the community.

CakeEater

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Re: Already married
« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2016, 06:46:32 PM »
I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

Because the couple might feel that they haven't kept to the original vows, thus voiding them in a way, and wish to make new vows that they're newly committed to keeping.

???  That would be a really weird thing to make public.

I think it's a reasonably common reason to have a vow renewal.

I actually think that's a much more sensible reason to have one than just to celebrate an anniversary. The original vows are usually made 'until death parts us' and don't have any need for renewing.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Already married
« Reply #43 on: February 11, 2016, 07:53:33 PM »
I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

Why would an internal marriage crisis merit having a public vow renewal?

Because the couple might feel that they haven't kept to the original vows, thus voiding them in a way, and wish to make new vows that they're newly committed to keeping.

???  That would be a really weird thing to make public.

Some couples separate (in the legal sense) and then reconcile instead of proceeding to a divorce.  That's the usual situation for that kind of vow renewal, since the separation is usually public knowledge, and the renewal is literally re-establishing them as a couple in the eyes of the community.

But, they don't do that and then have a big party, do they?  I have never heard of such a thing--is it part of a certain religion.

I understand the circumstances that you are describing and I could believe that a couple might want to have a small vow renewal ceremony for going forward.  But, I cannot imagine that it would ever bear any resemblance to a wedding whatsoever in terms of dress, party, etc.

Doing such a thing would require admitting to a whole lot of people that someone in the marriage broke their vows--never heard of anyone doing that--would feel really awkward for someone to do that.

lowspark

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Re: Already married
« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2016, 08:10:54 AM »
And I can tell you with absolute honesty that I wouldn't blink an eye at your having another ceremony in a small church or a huge cathedral on the previously planned wedding day. 


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