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Author Topic: Already married  (Read 16939 times)

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Allyson

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Re: Already married
« Reply #75 on: February 13, 2016, 08:41:51 PM »
Honestly this is an etiquette issue I have little patience with.   If one of my guests has a problem with my holding a ceremony for my terminally ill mother and MIL then they are people I'd prefer not to associate with anyway.  They can drop the friendship if it bothers them that much.

Yeah, I have to agree with this... I think it's really uncharitable to consider this "having cake and eating it too" considering the circumstances...I'm not seeing any "cake" here at all.

Seeker23

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Re: Already married
« Reply #76 on: February 15, 2016, 11:05:31 AM »
Thanks to everyone for the replies and especially the support. I should elaborate a little.
My mum has cancer and is now in a hospice. It is unlikely she will make it to the March wedding, never mind July. She has paid for the July venue and insisted we not cancel it or move it, as it's what we consider to be our actual wedding day. We will be celebrating our anniversary in July. March is purely so our mothers can see us get married, in the legal sense.
His mum is suffering from a rare and incurable mental disease. They not even 100% what she has but there's no treatment and no cure. She was given 4 months to live, 2 months ago.
Most everyone is aware of what's happening but I don't want my guests to feel tricked. For myself and my other half, July is going to be our wedding day and that is how we want to treat it.

Mustard

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Re: Already married
« Reply #77 on: February 15, 2016, 11:32:11 AM »
Go for it Seeker23.  Given your circumstances I wouldn't worry about 'tricking' your guests; you've more than enough to deal with without that.  I hope you and your fiancé have two wonderful wedding days.

Margo

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Re: Already married
« Reply #78 on: February 15, 2016, 01:47:57 PM »
I don't think people will feel tricked. I think most people will understand exactly why you are ding things as you are. I think one benefit of adding a note in the invitations is that if there is anyone who does decide that it isn't a 'proper' wedding im July, they can decline the invitation and you can enjoy a wonderful day with the people who actually care about you and support you.

NFPwife

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Re: Already married
« Reply #79 on: February 15, 2016, 10:00:03 PM »
Thanks to everyone for the replies and especially the support. I should elaborate a little.
My mum has cancer and is now in a hospice. It is unlikely she will make it to the March wedding, never mind July. She has paid for the July venue and insisted we not cancel it or move it, as it's what we consider to be our actual wedding day. We will be celebrating our anniversary in July. March is purely so our mothers can see us get married, in the legal sense.
His mum is suffering from a rare and incurable mental disease. They not even 100% what she has but there's no treatment and no cure. She was given 4 months to live, 2 months ago.
Most everyone is aware of what's happening but I don't want my guests to feel tricked. For myself and my other half, July is going to be our wedding day and that is how we want to treat it.

I'm so sorry, this is a horrible situation to be in, I wouldn't worry about anyone feeling tricked. More hugs!

Winterlight

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Re: Already married
« Reply #80 on: February 16, 2016, 02:39:27 PM »
If I were one of your guests, I'd understand the reason for your earlier quiet, intimate ceremony.  Of course you want both mothers there to see the two of you begin your new life together.

And I can tell you with absolute honesty that I wouldn't blink an eye at your having another ceremony in a small church or a huge cathedral on the previously planned wedding day. 

I'm not sure what the pastor/priest/rabbi person would want to call it, but in some cultures there are always two ceremonies.  One at our equivalent of a courthouse for legality and the other in a house of worship with friends and family as a religious rite.  Two different kinds of ceremonies, each having a valid place.

And I'd follow it up with your reception as you had originally planned.  Why not?

This.

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Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
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Winterlight

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Re: Already married
« Reply #81 on: February 16, 2016, 02:42:48 PM »
Honestly this is an etiquette issue I have little patience with.   If one of my guests has a problem with my holding a ceremony for my terminally ill mother and MIL then they are people I'd prefer not to associate with anyway.  They can drop the friendship if it bothers them that much.

Pod!

As I mentioned earlier, I usually don't agree with the two weddings situation in general. But good golly, if someone can't get a a pass because of not one, but two, dying family members, then there's something wrong with the world.

Thirded. This isn't "we're running off to Vegas, then pretending it didn't happen and expecting our friends to give big parties and presents for us" a la Forever Bride. This is "Our moms really want to see us get married and probably won't make it to the time of the formal ceremony."
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

kudeebee

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Re: Already married
« Reply #82 on: February 16, 2016, 03:31:09 PM »
Why not do a blessing in March with the mothers present and do the actual wedding in July since you want to celebrate that date as your anniversary? 

Your mom is urging you not to cancel the July date so she knows that is important to you.  It would probably mean just as much to her for you and df to be dressed in your dress/tux and have a special blessing said instead of the actual ceremony.  Or you could do a religious ceremony without the signing of the marriage license--save that for the date in July.

It could be a small ceremony with you, df, your moms and a few other close relatives.

Then you wouldn't need to worry about writing a note, getting the word out, etc as you will be having the actual wedding in July.  You just had a small blessing said with the moms present.

thedudeabides

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Re: Already married
« Reply #83 on: February 16, 2016, 03:34:27 PM »
OP, you guys do what you and your mothers have decided to do. Etiquette is often used as a bludgeon to punish people for "transgressions," but anyone bludgeoning you over this has no real love or compassion for you and can, quite frankly, bow out of the conversation and your lives. Those who care for you will understand. Those who don't understand aren't worth your time.

My thoughts are with you all, and I hope your wedding goes well.

thedudeabides

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Re: Already married
« Reply #84 on: February 16, 2016, 03:49:20 PM »
Also, see if you can get someone to save an invite and envelope for you. You might find that having that reminder of how much your mother cared is comforting down the line and a visible reminder of how present she was in your lives to the very end of hers.

cross_patch

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Re: Already married
« Reply #85 on: February 16, 2016, 03:57:25 PM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.

It's not just for show.  And is it not a crisis that both mothers of the couple suffering from and dying of cancer?
Actually can't think of a better reason for it.

I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

This is just... I am horrified to read this here. Having their cake and eating it too? What an abhorrent thing to say in the context of their mothers being terminally ill.

mime

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Re: Already married
« Reply #86 on: February 16, 2016, 04:02:02 PM »
I'm still in agreement with so many posters here-- go forward with your plans, and create some good memories with your moms in March and your wedding in July.

Best wishes and hugs to you!

cross_patch

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Re: Already married
« Reply #87 on: February 16, 2016, 04:02:42 PM »
Thanks to everyone for the replies and especially the support. I should elaborate a little.
My mum has cancer and is now in a hospice. It is unlikely she will make it to the March wedding, never mind July. She has paid for the July venue and insisted we not cancel it or move it, as it's what we consider to be our actual wedding day. We will be celebrating our anniversary in July. March is purely so our mothers can see us get married, in the legal sense.
His mum is suffering from a rare and incurable mental disease. They not even 100% what she has but there's no treatment and no cure. She was given 4 months to live, 2 months ago.
Most everyone is aware of what's happening but I don't want my guests to feel tricked. For myself and my other half, July is going to be our wedding day and that is how we want to treat it.

I'm so so sorry to hear this. Don't worry about anyone feeling tricked. I hope you are able to have whatever celebrations you want. (Hugs)

thedudeabides

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Re: Already married
« Reply #88 on: February 16, 2016, 04:08:18 PM »
I had to come back to this because it's been stewing in my mind. If someone honestly thinks that it's wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, to be able to celebrate a wedding whole losing not one but two parents, well, I think that person fundamentally misunderstands the saying and life as a whole. I hardly think that having a second, long-planned wedding a couple of months after an unexpected emergency ceremony makes up for the lifelong loss of the couples' mothers. But maybe that's just me.

TheBardess

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Re: Already married
« Reply #89 on: February 16, 2016, 04:44:00 PM »
I had to come back to this because it's been stewing in my mind. If someone honestly thinks that it's wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, to be able to celebrate a wedding whole losing not one but two parents, well, I think that person fundamentally misunderstands the saying and life as a whole. I hardly think that having a second, long-planned wedding a couple of months after an unexpected emergency ceremony makes up for the lifelong loss of the couples' mothers. But maybe that's just me.

Agreed. This is hardly someone wanting to "have their cake and eat it, too." Quite the opposite- this is someone trying to make the best of a horribly tragic situation. I'm pretty sure that, given the option, OP and her fiance would choose to have two healthy mothers and one big wedding in July. But sadly, that isn't able to happen, and they're trying to cope with that to the best of their ability. Personally, I don't think what they're doing is rude at all but even if their solution isn't technically etiquette approved, well frankly, I would choose compassion over etiquette any day of the week.
"Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies DO divert me, I own- and I laugh at them whenever I can." -Jane Austen

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