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Author Topic: Already married  (Read 17028 times)

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sammycat

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Re: Already married
« Reply #90 on: February 16, 2016, 05:08:43 PM »
I had to come back to this because it's been stewing in my mind. If someone honestly thinks that it's wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, to be able to celebrate a wedding whole losing not one but two parents, well, I think that person fundamentally misunderstands the saying and life as a whole. I hardly think that having a second, long-planned wedding a couple of months after an unexpected emergency ceremony makes up for the lifelong loss of the couples' mothers. But maybe that's just me.

Agreed. This is hardly someone wanting to "have their cake and eat it, too." Quite the opposite- this is someone trying to make the best of a horribly tragic situation. I'm pretty sure that, given the option, OP and her fiance would choose to have two healthy mothers and one big wedding in July. But sadly, that isn't able to happen, and they're trying to cope with that to the best of their ability. Personally, I don't think what they're doing is rude at all but even if their solution isn't technically etiquette approved, well frankly, I would choose compassion over etiquette any day of the week.

OP, you guys do what you and your mothers have decided to do. Etiquette is often used as a bludgeon to punish people for "transgressions," but anyone bludgeoning you over this has no real love or compassion for you and can, quite frankly, bow out of the conversation and your lives. Those who care for you will understand. Those who don't understand aren't worth your time.

My thoughts are with you all, and I hope your wedding goes well.

I agree with these comments.

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough on its own. I imagine dealing with two terminally parents would be stress personified. Add in planning another small wedding on short notice. Combining all this would be more stress than most people would endure in one hit in a lifetime. Therefore, I agree with those who are horrified that the OP is being accused of trying to 'have her cake and eat it too'.

« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 06:41:31 PM by sammycat »

violinp

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Re: Already married
« Reply #91 on: February 16, 2016, 06:34:03 PM »
I had to come back to this because it's been stewing in my mind. If someone honestly thinks that it's wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, to be able to celebrate a wedding whole losing not one but two parents, well, I think that person fundamentally misunderstands the saying and life as a whole. I hardly think that having a second, long-planned wedding a couple of months after an unexpected emergency ceremony makes up for the lifelong loss of the couples' mothers. But maybe that's just me.

Agreed. This is hardly someone wanting to "have their cake and eat it, too." Quite the opposite- this is someone trying to make the best of a horribly tragic situation. I'm pretty sure that, given the option, OP and her fiance would choose to have two healthy mothers and one big wedding in July. But sadly, that isn't able to happen, and they're trying to cope with that to the best of their ability. Personally, I don't think what they're doing is rude at all but even if their solution isn't technically etiquette approved, well frankly, I would choose compassion over etiquette any day of the week.

POD. I don't think it's right to say that they're getting the best of both worlds when both halves of the HC are having to say goodbye to their mothers. I may be biased, because my mom died nearly 1.5 years ago, but I would do just about anything to have her there for my potential wedding. Anyone who honestly thinks that the couple is getting something out of the (whether intentional or not) confusion is just wrong - headed.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


Paper Roses

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Re: Already married
« Reply #92 on: February 16, 2016, 06:44:24 PM »
I'm jumping in with the people who say "Go for it."  And I am, for the most part, NOT a fan at all of multiple weddings, vow renewals, or any of that.

But in this case, I think it's the right thing to do.  Have one ASAP with both of your mothers. 

Then, on the date you had originally planned to get married, still have your BWW.  Not just because it was how it was "supposed" to be to begin with, but also because after all the sadness and grieving, it will be nice to have a happy event to celebrate.  For everyone. 

I can't imagine anyone begrudging you this.  And if they do, well, they're probably not anyone who deserves to have that much space in your lives anyway.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 06:47:10 PM by Paper Roses »
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PastryGoddess

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Re: Already married
« Reply #93 on: February 16, 2016, 11:02:10 PM »
I had to come back to this because it's been stewing in my mind. If someone honestly thinks that it's wanting to have their cake and eat it, too, to be able to celebrate a wedding whole losing not one but two parents, well, I think that person fundamentally misunderstands the saying and life as a whole. I hardly think that having a second, long-planned wedding a couple of months after an unexpected emergency ceremony makes up for the lifelong loss of the couples' mothers. But maybe that's just me.

Agreed. This is hardly someone wanting to "have their cake and eat it, too." Quite the opposite- this is someone trying to make the best of a horribly tragic situation. I'm pretty sure that, given the option, OP and her fiance would choose to have two healthy mothers and one big wedding in July. But sadly, that isn't able to happen, and they're trying to cope with that to the best of their ability. Personally, I don't think what they're doing is rude at all but even if their solution isn't technically etiquette approved, well frankly, I would choose compassion over etiquette any day of the week.

OP, you guys do what you and your mothers have decided to do. Etiquette is often used as a bludgeon to punish people for "transgressions," but anyone bludgeoning you over this has no real love or compassion for you and can, quite frankly, bow out of the conversation and your lives. Those who care for you will understand. Those who don't understand aren't worth your time.

My thoughts are with you all, and I hope your wedding goes well.

I agree with these comments.

Planning a wedding can be stressful enough on its own. I imagine dealing with two terminally parents would be stress personified. Add in planning another small wedding on short notice. Combining all this would be more stress than most people would endure in one hit in a lifetime. Therefore, I agree with those who are horrified that the OP is being accused of trying to 'have her cake and eat it too'.



You know what, it's ok if the the OP want's to have her cake and eat it too.  Because that flavor of cake will never exist again for the OP or her fiance.  So gorge...eat it all. Do whatever you have to do in order to make the remaining time you have with your mothers count.  And if someone begrudges you for doing so...at least you'll be full of cake. Really really yummy and delicious cake. 

CakeEater

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Re: Already married
« Reply #94 on: February 17, 2016, 12:48:37 AM »
If the OP wants to have a vow renewal for her friends, she can.  I don't know why historic events would have anything to do with it.

I agree with others that it's necessary not to pull the wool over people's eyes.

Vow renewals have their place IMVHO at a wedding anniversary (25 years+) or after a crisis. But not three months into a marriage for show.

I think the OP should just have a big party with their friends and family, but no ceremony of any type.

It's not just for show.  And is it not a crisis that both mothers of the couple suffering from and dying of cancer?
Actually can't think of a better reason for it.

I meant a marriage crisis, not something external.

To me it smacks of wanting their cake and eating it.

This is just... I am horrified to read this here. Having their cake and eating it too? What an abhorrent thing to say in the context of their mothers being terminally ill.

I get the impression that QueenfaninCA was talking more about general principles of what's technically 'correct' rather than judging the OP.

I have every sympathy for the awful situation the OP and her fiance find themselves in. And yes, I would absolutely support any friend of mine who had two weddings under those circumstances, and celebrate their 'second' wedding in July joyfully.

But we're allowed here to discuss the general principles of etiquette, whereby that's not technically correct.



Goosey

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Re: Already married
« Reply #95 on: February 17, 2016, 07:41:49 AM »
But it's not technically incorrect to have a civil marriage and then have a vow renewal/religious wedding later if everyone participating knows ahead of time?

There is also a time and a place for enforcing technical rules, and this is not one of them, IMO. That's putting "etiquette" above human empathy and compassion and I don't think it should ever work that way.

rose red

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Re: Already married
« Reply #96 on: February 17, 2016, 08:46:08 AM »
If (general) you want to talk/debate about general etiquette, I think there should be a spin-off thread. The OP didn't ask about etiquette rules anyway. She asked how she can let her guests know what's going on, which is a specific question and not a general one.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2016, 08:47:57 AM by rose red »

Bookgirl

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Re: Already married
« Reply #97 on: February 17, 2016, 03:11:16 PM »
Also, this isn't based on a letter from some advice website where the letter writer will never see the thread and the things being said about them.  This is a post by a member of this forum and she is reading all of these responses while going through what can only be called hell. If there's anytime to show someone a little compassion and understanding, surely it's now?
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Jaelle

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Re: Already married
« Reply #98 on: February 17, 2016, 06:45:49 PM »
The second ceremony is just for show and doesn't mean anything? Wow. To me, the second ceremony is the original wedding. They planned and paid and printed the invitations. It's not easy to redo all that (booking a room, food, flowers, etc.) up three months. A guest won't feel "important" if they weren't at the small rushed wedding held because of their dying mothers? Seems to me, they don't need such people in their lives.
Honestly this is an etiquette issue I have little patience with.   If one of my guests has a problem with my holding a ceremony for my terminally ill mother and MIL then they are people I'd prefer not to associate with anyway.  They can drop the friendship if it bothers them that much.

I'm just going to agree and have a coke

Agreed.

OP, if I were you, I'd simply wait until after your private ceremony with the family and send the original invitations - include a note, don't include a note, either way you are fine. I think anyone who is offended by it not being the "real"/original ceremony is someone you don't want in your life.

This. Parts of this thread have made me sad. If anyone wanted to make what's really a very sad tragedy into something that's about them ... "CRUD MONKEYS!, I was deceived!" ... well, I wouldn't be interested in continuing that relationship.

“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
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ClaireC79

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Re: Already married
« Reply #99 on: February 18, 2016, 05:45:36 AM »
TBH if the second wedding is the one which they are going to treat as the 'real' one - ie anniversaries etc, then the only ones being 'deceived' are the mothers - but I presume they are fully aware of the fact that the other wedding is still going ahead


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