News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 22, 2017, 09:57:23 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Please help me be gracious.  (Read 6159 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

mmswm

  • Member
  • Posts: 2229
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2016, 10:21:20 AM »
Did you not realize that going would be a huge imposition when the invite arrived for your bf?

Not that you have to go, but it does seem a bit precious to make the GOH go to extra lengths to assure you you're invited, and then declare that you couldn't go anyway.

I guess I can be less secretive about why it's suddenly much more difficult and child care is now a problem. Several weeks ago my oldest son was involved in an altercation at school. I can't go into too many details except to say that he acted to defend the physical safety of two girls who's been cornered.  He is currently awaiting trial. I cannot take him out of the county without a judge's approval and I cannot leave him at home.

BF simply isn't capable of making that trip in one day. Also, while we expect the drive to be four hours, we have to drive through Los Angelos, which is always dicey. We want to drive up the night before so unexpected traffic delays don't cause us to be very late. The drive to his mother's is usually about three hours, but it's taken as long as six when traffic was horrid. Also, if we are going to impose on his mother for child care (she already suggested it, not us), we would want to stay and help her with things around her house both as a thank you and just because she simply needs the help.

I will make an effort to deal with the child care issue. You are right that the relationship is important enough. 
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Goosey

  • Member
  • Posts: 1950
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2016, 10:32:28 AM »
So, if that's the case, this should be pretty simple:

"Since SO last spoke to you, something has come up and we'll no longer make the trip. I'm sorry to be missing your shower!"

Runningstar

  • Member
  • Posts: 806
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2016, 05:27:40 PM »
So, if that's the case, this should be pretty simple:

"Since SO last spoke to you, something has come up and we'll no longer make the trip. I'm sorry to be missing your shower!"

I agree.  I'd also send a gift.  The last few showers I was at where there was someone important to the GOH that didn't come, that they had sent a gift was the next thing said.  Sometimes it was "well, at least they sent a gift".   It wasn't said in the spirit of greed, but as a way of sticking up for the non-attendee's level of caring about the GOH if that makes sense.

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8131
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #18 on: March 11, 2016, 10:16:45 PM »
From an etiquette perspective, you'd be fine in either accepting or declining.

From a relation-ship perspective, it's a bit more complicated. Given that this is a fairly close GOH (your BF's daughter), I personally think you should try to attend unless there's a good reason not to. That said, to me, an 8 hour round trip, plus wrangling childcare (and supporting a teenage son with an impending court date) would be a good enough reason.

I'd send your BF alone (if that's possible) with a nice gift from both of you. I'd also give the bride a quick phone call beforehand, saying how you would have loved to have attended, but circumstances got in the way, etc.

RubyCat

  • Member
  • Posts: 866
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2016, 08:09:26 AM »
So, if that's the case, this should be pretty simple:

"Since SO last spoke to you, something has come up and we'll no longer make the trip. I'm sorry to be missing your shower!"

This is perfect.  I also agree with those who suggest sending a nice gift and reaching out to the GOH with a phone call.  And even though you didn't ask, hugs.

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: Please help me be gracious.
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2016, 11:16:20 AM »
I think you should find a way to go.  I understand not wanting to go.  It's a long drive, you worry about your kids, and slipping through the cracks on the invitations hurts, even if it was unintentional.

I recall you writing a while back about how good BF's family has been to you and how welcome you feel.  In light of this, I think you should make the effort.  I assume that the relationship with BF's daughter is good but even if it isn't, it would mean a lot to the rest of the family (and your BF) that you attend.  Sometimes we do these things for people we love.

This. 

In your other post, you were hurt to be left out of the first ceremony.  At the beginning of this story, you were hurt that your name wasn't on the shower in invitation (although I too think this was probably just an error you'd be wise to let go).  You are certainly entitled to your feelings!  But you don't want to risk looking like you are being grudgey and petty, now that your BF called about your inclusion and all. Unless your son's situation makes it just impossible (are you required to be with him, or can be spend the day with a friend or something?), I would make the effort and go.  Yes, it's a hassle, but out of town events often are -- I had to fly to my DIL's shower -- and this is close family that you want to be close to.  And I agree that if the child care issues were truly that prohibitive, perhaps you wouldn't have mentioned them or posted at all.  It's absolutely fine that you did!!  My point is just that some of that may be leaking out to your BF and his family, too, and I know you don't want that.

The main reason I think you should go if at all possible is the the title of your post.  If that's truly your goal, then go.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2016, 12:04:19 AM by gellchom »