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Author Topic: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding  (Read 2677 times)

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Cali.in.UK

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Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« on: April 06, 2016, 03:17:01 PM »
I am pretty lucky that I work on a team at work where I genuinely like the people that I work with. The organization in general employs nice people but I feel close to most of my team coworkers and I feel like we have good work-friendships. Of my nine teammates I like everyone but I am close with four of them Tori, Jordan, Paula and Emma (we eat lunch together everyday, share many inside jokes and chat together during down times, etc.) of the four, I'm closest to one woman Tori - we text each other outside of work hours sometimes and we have similar senses of humor. I'd like to invite Tori to the wedding because we have gotten closer in the coming months, and I could imagine being friends with her even if we didn't work together (we live far away from each other so we don't hangout outside of work as of now). But since we have gotten closer, it almost seems weird that she is not invited because if we weren't coworkers and I knew her in a different setting I would have invited her.

The only issue is, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and I worry that the others might feel bad if I invite Tori and not them. It's a small wedding so if I invited everyone it would be eight extra people because they are all married. I could also imagine if I invited the four of them, others on the team or at the organization might feel badly. I think it's one of those things where I should invite everyone or no one.

My question, should I tell Tori that I wanted to invite her but I just couldn't handle inviting the whole office or should I invite her and tell her not to tell anyone (this could easily blow up in my face with pictures coming out later) or should I just not invite anyone? I'm happy with the current dynamic and don't want any tensions for rise at work.

If anyone had to make a similar decision, how did it work out for you? Or any general advice about it. Thank you in advance!

greencat

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2016, 03:29:58 PM »
Do you have time before the invites need to go out to change the dynamics of your friendship with Tori, so that you are spending time with just her outside of work hours?  Having drinks after work or lunch on weekends?  Then it would be more clear-cut, "I'm friends with Tori outside of work, so I invited her."

mandycorn

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2016, 03:41:22 PM »
I like the idea of seeing if you can step your relationship with Tori up a notch, so it's easy to draw that line, plus you like spending time with her, so it's a win-win.

If you decide to invite just her, it would be a good idea to mention to her that you aren't inviting the whole team, so she doesn't talk about it ahead of time, but after the fact I wouldn't worry much about it coming out. I'm betting the others already know you're better friends with her, and they already know you don't have an outside of work relationship with them, so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. I wouldn't mention it intentionally, but if they see her in a picture or something, or she chimes in when the topic of your wedding inevitably comes up, if I were one of the non-invited coworkers, it wouldn't be a big deal.

Logistically, I think inviting just one person from a group is the easiest; once you get to inviting about half the group, it could start to be a little hurtful for those not included, even though from an etiquette standpoint, the only grouping you have to respect are social units.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2016, 10:13:52 PM »
I think you're fine in inviting Tori, but not your other co-workers. I agree with the notion of giving Tori the quiet "heads up" that you aren't inviting any of the others, just so she doesn't assume.

Deetee

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2016, 11:17:59 PM »
I think you can invite her. I think the rule of "invite everyone" belongs in elementary school and should stay there. It also has a place in "invite all the cousins" but otherwise we  are allowed to be closer to some people that others.

But..this may cool your relationship a bit with the other people at work. It is a measure of your friendship and, while it is totally fine to be closer to someone than to others, it will also affect things.

Personally, I think anyone that you don't see outside of work should not be invited.

lowspark

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2016, 11:07:21 AM »
POD to PPs. Invite her. Give her the heads up not to say anything to other co-workers. Etiquette-wise, you're fine.

Just know, though, that it is almost inevitable that someone will be hurt not to be invited. This goes whether you invite Tori or not. In fact, if you don't invite Tori, she might be the very one who is hurt!

In my experience, every wedding generates some "why wasn't I invited?" questions along with some "I wonder why they invited me!" thoughts as well.
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gellchom

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Re: Inviting (some) coworkers to your wedding
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2016, 01:58:22 PM »
POD to PPs. Invite her. Give her the heads up not to say anything to other co-workers. Etiquette-wise, you're fine.

Just know, though, that it is almost inevitable that someone will be hurt not to be invited. This goes whether you invite Tori or not. In fact, if you don't invite Tori, she might be the very one who is hurt!

In my experience, every wedding generates some "why wasn't I invited?" questions along with some "I wonder why they invited me!" thoughts as well.

POD

And remember that for the coworkers other than the Big Four, they may even be kind of relieved not to be invited.  Not that your wedding isn't a desirable invitation!!  But they don't want to be obligated to attend and/or send a gift to everyone in the office that they aren't close with, and definitely not to have to invite everyone when it's their turn.

As for these four (or three of them, if you invite Tori, which I think is fine): you have a big, big advantage in that they are all married themselves.  Which means that they have been in your situation, and so they understand.

It's very hard to make these decisions, and even harder for us to give advice, as we don't know these people and aren't in the relationships.  It will probably be hard if not impossible to find a perfect solution.

Your caring about everyone's feelings, not just your own, is the very best attitude to start with and will guide you to the best, even if imperfect, solution.