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  • November 24, 2017, 06:36:06 PM

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Author Topic: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)  (Read 8820 times)

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gellchom

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #30 on: April 15, 2016, 02:29:50 PM »
Quote
I get what you're saying, but it's not only the OP's wedding. It's her fiance's wedding as well and it may be (and probably is) important to him to have his parents present. I don't think it would be reasonable to even ask her fiance to exclude them for a reason like this. Yes, she may look back on her wedding day with a tinge of sadness that her mother isn't there, but I don't think also making her fiance, her new IL's and her father also sad is the way to go.

It seems to me that this mother is very manipulative and is likely stirring up all of this as a means of asserting control. I have my doubts that she really cares much about her ex husband being present; I suspect it's more about trying to make the OP bend to her will. (Please correct me if I am wrong, OP). If I am correct, then I think excluding the other parents is very much the wrong way to go because that would tell OP's mother that she really does have the ability to control OP and could actually make things worse.

I really don't know which choice will work best for the OP.  It's very possible that the private wedding/big reception option won't work as well as big wedding with no Mom option.  I don't know which would be more comfortable for the groom's parents; I could see it going either way.  He could discuss it with them and see what they think.

I'm sorry I even weighed in on that, because my point is not which option is the best one, but that she -- and her fiance -- should make their choice by looking at the big picture and seeing which is likely to work out best for them overall, not based on who is right or wrong or to blame or on some theory or to use their wedding to send a message to anyone.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2016, 02:31:44 PM by gellchom »

SamiHami

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #31 on: April 15, 2016, 02:36:01 PM »
You are correct, of course. It's a tough spot to be in and I sympathize with the OP being put in that position.

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lmyrs

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2016, 05:56:02 PM »
I guess that I don't see how it's better for the OP to sacrifice the relationship with her father and her future MIL in order to save the one with her manipulative mother.

Mary Lennox

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #33 on: April 15, 2016, 06:22:33 PM »
I recommended a private ceremony with no guests and then a reception later with all the guests the OP wants, Mom or no Mom.  This takes the issue away from her memories of her wedding day.

That just changes the memories, it doesn't get rid any issues with them. The OP can have a memory of having a wedding surrounded by family and friends who love and support her (while not inviting mum) or your suggestion of a private ceremony with no guests and the memory of not having anyone there on one of the most important days of her life because her mother couldn't act like a mature adult for 1 day. The situation may not be perfect, but I know which one I would prefer to remember in years to come.

sammycat

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #34 on: April 15, 2016, 08:42:04 PM »
OP,  think ahead 5/10/15 years from now.

Do you want to remember your wedding with fond memories of a lovely day that (hopefully) goes off without a hitch, with maybe a tiny regret about not having your mother there?  Equally, as a lovely day with no regrets at all about not inviting your mother.  Or do you want to remember it as a drama filled, stressful day, with definite regrets about having your mother there?

As for pp suggestion about not inviting any parents at all - in no way, shape, or form, would I support that.

If I was the mother of the groom and DH and I weren't invited to our son's wedding because his future MIL wasn't capable of behaving herself in public, then it would create a major problem in our relations.ship, one which I'm not sure it would bounce back from. It would also cause a rift between us and our future DIL. All that would do is create a situation where both members of the couple are now having issues with all four parents (three reasonable and one unreasonable one), which is not going to be good long term. 

It's perfectly fine not to invite your parent to the wedding if they can't be trusted to behave like a rational human being. The other guests will most likely thank you for it too.  A lot of people forget that it's not just the brides' day. It's also the grooms' day.  He's just as entitled to a drama free day as the bride. Having to worry about his future MIL ruining everything, and then possibly having to comfort his new bride, isn't exactly conducive to a stress-free day/wedding.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2016, 01:28:44 AM »
A bit of perspective from someone who did something similar: the Good Ethnic Boy and I didn't invite his father to our wedding. There was a real concern that he might have gotten up in the middle of things and loudly denounced the GEB as a horrible, undutiful son. It would have been completely untrue, but that was his style, and even if he hadn't done it the GEB was fretting himself into an ulcer thinking of all the ways his dad could act up if he was in a bad mood.

It was a lot easier for us to do it, though, because FIL lived in a different city, never came to ours, and had no other source of info on our lives... so we just never told him we were getting married at all.  :-\

Do what you have to to have a peaceful day, OP.
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EllenS

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2016, 07:55:14 AM »
When a kid threatens to hold their breath till they turn blue, let them. The worst that can happen is they'll feel silly.

If an invitee threatens to boycott the wedding unless you disinvite others, let them. Best case scenario you are respecting their stated boundaries. Worst case, you are accommodating reasonable people instead of appeasing unreasonable people.

LEMon

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #37 on: April 18, 2016, 08:13:30 PM »
A mindset I learned with my children long ago that helped me was 'you can't outstubborn me. I'm the one you got your stubborn from.' Not entirely true, but the mantra in my head helped me deal with any number of issue and helped me stand firm when I needed to.
Perhaps 'you can't outstubborn me, mom. You're the one I got my stubborn from.'

You are trying to change your relationship with her (even if just by getting married). She is going to resist. But you can change how you deal with it. First you have to change once, do something differently once. Then do it again. And repeat.

I come from the view point that your marriage needs you to change. Try to imagine how you would feel if your love's (someone) was yelling at them, threatening them, manipulating their emotions, making them feel (as you currently feel), and because of who you are, you try to support and deal with it. Come up with words that describe how he could feel now and in the future. Get him to tell you how he feels. It will give you strength. (which is what the mantra above gave me.)

Margo

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #38 on: April 19, 2016, 05:45:54 AM »

Part of the issue is that I just can't trust my mum to behave on the day.  There would be plenty of dramatic eyerolls, huffs, snorts, and supposedly under-her-breath mutterings - and that's if she DOESN'T blow up about anything else.  She's very passive aggressive, and frankly, i just don't want to deal with that on the day.  If we were having a bigger wedding, it would fade into the background a bit, but in a much smaller group, it would be VERY apparant.  I don't want to deal with it, and I don't think anyone else should have to either. 


Don't get me wrong - i do feel harsh not inviting my mum to my wedding... but more about the theory of it than the practice, if that makes sense? I haven't had a wobble of indecision since finally admitting to myself that I would have a better day without my mum present.


Given these two points, I think that making the choice not to invite her is wise.  And the bolded is really important - you kinow your mum, you know what she is like, and you know how her behaviour affects you.

Of course the problem isn't going to go away, but you can't change her. You can only control how much you let her control you and your life.

It mau be that, long term, she is able to change how she beahves - if she decides that she wants to, and if she is able to recognise that her own behaviour has consequences. If she can't,. or won't, then yes, that may mean that your relationship is permanently damaged, but it won't have been damaged by you, it will have been damaged by her inability to change.

Your don't currently have a good, happy, supportive relationship with her. You are not going to get one, whatever you do.   So  you don't have a lot to lose by chosing to accept her decision not to come to your wedding, and giving yourself, your fiance, andyour other guets a stress-free day.

I hope that you and your fiance have a wonderful wedding and are very happy together.

if you want to, you could consider inviting her to *something* - maybe you and your husband could invite her out for a meal when you return from your honeymoon, or take her out for a meal (just you and her) - even say to her "We were sorry that you didn't want to come to the wedding, but we'd like you to come and celebrate with us, just the three of us"

I'm suggesting this not because you owe it to her or becuase she deserves t, but simply as an option as a way to make clear to her that you are still willing to have a relatonship with her, and that it is upo to her whether she choses to have that or not - you may find it helpful to reinforce to yourself that you have kept the door opn for her, even if she choses not to walk through it.

hopeful4

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Re: How to deal with my mother (Long,sorry!)
« Reply #39 on: April 19, 2016, 01:12:04 PM »
I reading through the posts, I do think the OP is correct in NOT inviting her mother.  Sounds very doubtful her mother can behave and not throw a fit at the wedding.  That being said, OP, from what you have written about your mother, there will be fall out.  There likely won't be any relationship with her after the wedding.  And there may be trouble in your relationships with other relatives because of that. 

However, in reading what you wrote, I was just thinking about how good of a relationship you can have with your mother in the future.  How do you think she will be if you and your DH have children?  Doubtful that your mom will suddenly behave as mature adult.  You know best but my guess would be that she will tell you how to raise any kids you might have and will react as she has in the past if/when you don't.  Would she try to use her own grandchildren as pawns? 

No one can have a healthy relationship with someone who is very self-absorbed and has no respect for boundaries.