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Author Topic: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance  (Read 6499 times)

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StoutGirl

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Hi E-Hellions, I read this and immediately thought of you guys:

http://offbeatbride.com/dollar-dance-selfie/

If you don't feel like opening the link, it essentially suggests having people pay a dollar or two to take a selfie with you at your wedding. While I have always enjoyed Offbeat Bride (despite the occasional lack of good etiquette), this left me feeling a little gobsmacked.

lakey

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2016, 12:59:04 AM »
I came from a large family, 5 sets of aunts and uncles on my dad's side, and 6 on my mom's, along with lots of cousins.  Dollar dances were NOT done. If you had had one it would have been considered greedy to expect cash in addition to  a shower gift and a wedding gift. There would have been gossip.  So, nope, to the dollar selfie.

rose red

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2016, 08:56:46 AM »
I never heard of dollar dances until Ehell. As for selfies, I'll be polite and just say I'm not a fan. But paying for the "honor" at a wedding? Tacky.

NFPwife

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2016, 09:13:51 AM »
Dollar dances are huge in our area. You don't have a "typical" wedding without one. The fun of the dollar dance is dancing with the bride, waving white handkerchiefs or linens, and just "participating" in general. Dollar selfies would offend everyone's sensibilities. :D

GreenEyedHawk

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2016, 11:40:53 AM »
My coworker attended an out of town wedding that included a cash bar, dollar dances and then midway through the wedding, a cultural tradition of passing around the bride's shoe to fill with cash gifts.  That seemed like a very excessive money grab to me.  I think of you all here every time she mentions it.
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gellchom

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2016, 02:45:18 PM »
I see a distinction between cash bars, even though they are common in some communities, and things like dollar dances, satin cash bags for brides, and this pass the shoe thing that evidently are customs in some countries and cultures. 

I've never been to a wedding with a dollar dance.  But if I did attend a wedding of someone whose tradition it was, I might not like it, but I couldn't call it wrong or rude -- just as in my culture, no one asks "Who gives this woman," and I find it rather non-egalitarian, but if I attend a Christian wedding where they do that, I certainly wouldn't consider it wrong in any way, let alone rude.

So I think we need to be careful about calling things that have a cultural "pedigree" things like "horrifying" -- when they are done by people in that culture!  When they are appropriated by others with no connection to that culture just to get a few extra bucks, then -- yeah ....

kudeebee

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2016, 04:00:05 PM »
My coworker attended an out of town wedding that included a cash bar, dollar dances and then midway through the wedding, a cultural tradition of passing around the bride's shoe to fill with cash gifts.  That seemed like a very excessive money grab to me.  I think of you all here every time she mentions it.

The happy couple would not have been happy with dh and I.  We rarely carry cash.  So no "extra" money from us.

daen

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2016, 06:21:13 PM »
I agree with gellchom that cultural traditions are appropriate when they're done by someone from that culture. I have a cousin whose mother is from a culture that does something like the dollar dance - during the couple's first dance, the guests pin money onto the couple's clothing. So he had one at his wedding. The word was passed around discreetly to all the attendees ahead of time (along with the cultural reasons for same), so people could think it over and decide if they wanted to participate, and then come appropriately prepared.

On the other hand, another wedding I went to saw an uncle of the bride commandeer the mic during the reception to tell everyone about this cool [Ethnic] custom of making the rounds with a shoe for money gifts for blah blah reasons. And then he and a like-minded brother made the rounds with a pair of cowboy boots. No one on either side is, to the best of my knowledge, in any way associated with [Ethnic] culture. I declined to participate. If I remember correctly, the happy couple looked extremely uncomfortable through all this.

It is my opinion (and my cultural bias) that financial transactions should not be visible in wedding receptions. If you wish to make a financial gift to the HC, by all means do, but please do not mention it or ask anyone else to do so. If you feel the need to "cover your plate", again, feel free, but do so quietly. I'm not fond of cash bars generally, but I reluctantly give them a pass, based on the sheer inescapability of same. Anything else - dollar dance, passing the shoe - I dislike and avoid wherever possible.  Unless, of course, you have your culture on your side as a reason.

StoutGirl

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2016, 07:08:07 PM »
Hi everyone, I hope that I did not come across as arrogant with my original post. I understand that Dollar Dances are common in some areas (including where I'm from, though I find them uncomfortable, but it's part of me being introverted/shy). I was more mystified by the paying for a selfie.

gellchom

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2016, 09:28:28 PM »
Hi everyone, I hope that I did not come across as arrogant with my original post. I understand that Dollar Dances are common in some areas (including where I'm from, though I find them uncomfortable, but it's part of me being introverted/shy). I was more mystified by the paying for a selfie.
It was just the title of the post.  Nothing wrong with the body. 

I was thinking about daen's comment about "financial transactions," and that I don't really see pinning on a dollar or paying a dollar for a dance or selfie as amounting to such a highfalutin' term -- and then it occurred to me that I may have failed to adjust for inflation.  Do people actually give a single dollar, or much more?

StoutGirl

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2016, 12:35:24 PM »
From what I have seen at Dollar Dances, it typically is just one dollar. If guests are feeling generous (or if they don't have any singes), they will give $5.

Mustard

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2016, 12:38:45 PM »
I'm in the U.K. and have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a cash bar.  Before I found Ehell it would never have occurred to me that it was a cultural thing..

Winterlight

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2016, 06:23:13 PM »
I agree with gellchom that cultural traditions are appropriate when they're done by someone from that culture. I have a cousin whose mother is from a culture that does something like the dollar dance - during the couple's first dance, the guests pin money onto the couple's clothing. So he had one at his wedding. The word was passed around discreetly to all the attendees ahead of time (along with the cultural reasons for same), so people could think it over and decide if they wanted to participate, and then come appropriately prepared.

On the other hand, another wedding I went to saw an uncle of the bride commandeer the mic during the reception to tell everyone about this cool [Ethnic] custom of making the rounds with a shoe for money gifts for blah blah reasons. And then he and a like-minded brother made the rounds with a pair of cowboy boots. No one on either side is, to the best of my knowledge, in any way associated with [Ethnic] culture. I declined to participate. If I remember correctly, the happy couple looked extremely uncomfortable through all this.

It is my opinion (and my cultural bias) that financial transactions should not be visible in wedding receptions. If you wish to make a financial gift to the HC, by all means do, but please do not mention it or ask anyone else to do so. If you feel the need to "cover your plate", again, feel free, but do so quietly. I'm not fond of cash bars generally, but I reluctantly give them a pass, based on the sheer inescapability of same. Anything else - dollar dance, passing the shoe - I dislike and avoid wherever possible.  Unless, of course, you have your culture on your side as a reason.

This.

For example, at Chinese weddings it is appropriate to bring a red envelope with cash as your gift. However, it would be really tacky for non-Chinese me to co-opt this custom at my wedding.
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NFPwife

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2016, 10:17:44 AM »
From what I have seen at Dollar Dances, it typically is just one dollar. If guests are feeling generous (or if they don't have any singes), they will give $5.

That depends, at the "dollar dance" which in our culture is referred to as the "bride's dance" or, as we're getting more egalitarian, the "dance the the couple" dance, people can put in larger amounts. We had a few large bills in our little pouch 25 years ago. Wedding shops in our area sell little satin bags explicitly for the dance.

As I said upthread, the selfies idea wouldn't go over well. The "bride's dance" isn't seen as a money grab, but the selfie situation would likely be viewed that way.


VorFemme

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Re: An Even More Horrifying Version/Alternative of the Dollar Dance
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2016, 12:16:51 PM »
I agree with gellchom that cultural traditions are appropriate when they're done by someone from that culture. I have a cousin whose mother is from a culture that does something like the dollar dance - during the couple's first dance, the guests pin money onto the couple's clothing. So he had one at his wedding. The word was passed around discreetly to all the attendees ahead of time (along with the cultural reasons for same), so people could think it over and decide if they wanted to participate, and then come appropriately prepared.

On the other hand, another wedding I went to saw an uncle of the bride commandeer the mic during the reception to tell everyone about this cool [Ethnic] custom of making the rounds with a shoe for money gifts for blah blah reasons. And then he and a like-minded brother made the rounds with a pair of cowboy boots. No one on either side is, to the best of my knowledge, in any way associated with [Ethnic] culture. I declined to participate. If I remember correctly, the happy couple looked extremely uncomfortable through all this.

It is my opinion (and my cultural bias) that financial transactions should not be visible in wedding receptions. If you wish to make a financial gift to the HC, by all means do, but please do not mention it or ask anyone else to do so. If you feel the need to "cover your plate", again, feel free, but do so quietly. I'm not fond of cash bars generally, but I reluctantly give them a pass, based on the sheer inescapability of same. Anything else - dollar dance, passing the shoe - I dislike and avoid wherever possible.  Unless, of course, you have your culture on your side as a reason.

This.

For example, at Chinese weddings it is appropriate to bring a red envelope with cash as your gift. However, it would be really tacky for non-Chinese me to co-opt this custom at my wedding.

And, I assume, that the red envelopes with cash are not opened in front of the guests and the amounts in each announced as well as who gave that envelope?

Because the tacky part, in most cultures, would be announcing the value of every last guest's gift(s) to the happy couple...at least, that's what I gather from the  multiple cultural perspectives here.

Parents of the HC may keep a memory of who gave what that influences their gifts to avoid overspending or under-spending too egregiously on what they give to anyone from the guest list who sends a wedding invitation to them (or to the HC, I presume) - but it would probably not be to the penny.  More like they gave a place setting (or two) of the really *good* china or a whole set of everyday dishes....
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