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Author Topic: courtesy wars  (Read 8780 times)

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RainyDays

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #45 on: May 20, 2016, 07:19:55 AM »
Also yes i would prefer to stay in the same room as a litter box on a futon mat then in hosts bed.

This. Also, if you phrase it that way -- that you would rather the guest take the bed than the not great mattress by the litter box, then not only am I uncomfortable in your bed, but I feel as though I've put you out so much.

As for air mattresses, there is such a range in quality. We have an air mattress for guest that blows up to be the height of a normal bed (making it much easier to get in and out of), has a topper of sorts built into it (making it feel more bed-like), and is amazing to sleep on. DH and I slept on it ourselves for a few nights during a move. DH is nearly twice my weight, and we had no issues with me rolling toward him; the mattress was able to be blown up enough to hold it's shape. You can even adjust the firmness without affecting "roll-ability".

Mustard

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #46 on: May 20, 2016, 07:28:03 AM »
Also yes i would prefer to stay in the same room as a litter box on a futon mat then in hosts bed.

This. Also, if you phrase it that way -- that you would rather the guest take the bed than the not great mattress by the litter box, then not only am I uncomfortable in your bed, but I feel as though I've put you out so much.

As for air mattresses, there is such a range in quality. We have an air mattress for guest that blows up to be the height of a normal bed (making it much easier to get in and out of), has a topper of sorts built into it (making it feel more bed-like), and is amazing to sleep on. DH and I slept on it ourselves for a few nights during a move. DH is nearly twice my weight, and we had no issues with me rolling toward him; the mattress was able to be blown up enough to hold it's shape. You can even adjust the firmness without affecting "roll-ability".

I agree about the range in quality for air beds; glad yours is comfortable and it is always a good idea for hosts to sleep in their guest bed, whether 'real' or inflatable.  We slept on BIL's futon or, to be more accurate, didn't sleep on BIL's futon.  He was horrified when he spent a night or two in his guest bedroom at how uncomfortable the darned thing was!  Several people had stayed with them, and not one complained.  They got rid of it.

Harriet Jones

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #47 on: May 20, 2016, 08:27:14 AM »
Also yes i would prefer to stay in the same room as a litter box on a futon mat then in hosts bed.

Same.  Assuming the box is frequently scooped, I wouldn't have a problem with it.   

EllenS

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #48 on: May 20, 2016, 08:42:35 AM »
Also yes i would prefer to stay in the same room as a litter box on a futon mat then in hosts bed.

Same.  Assuming the box is frequently scooped, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

And I'm the opposite. I like cats just fine but I am allergic and I can smell a litter box from outside someone's front door. If those are my only two options, I'll let the pet owner deal with their own pet stuff.

I'm not squeamish about staying in someone else's (clean) bed. Other people sleep, play Scrabble and probably have died in most hotel beds, and I sleep there just fine. It's furniture, not a psychic sponge.

menley

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #49 on: May 20, 2016, 10:11:40 AM »
I agree that it's best to let guests know the accomodations in advance when offering to host them. If someone offered me a place to stay, but when I arrived I learned that it was either a mat on the floor next to a litterbox or the host's own bed, I would be dismayed. I would much rather stay in a hotel under those circumstances, and if I was aware of the hosting situation in advance, it's much easier to make those arrangements gracefully.

Generally speaking, I only stay with friends and family that have dedicated guest rooms. Otherwise, I'm uncomfortable *and* I feel like I'm putting them out, if they have to make special arrangements for my stay (giving up their bed, rearranging their living room or office for an air mattress, etc). I understand some may have budgets that don't allow for that - there have been times that my budget didn't allow for hotels, either. I'd still rather know in advance so that I can plan - whether that be to find a budget hotel, to make a shorter trip without an overnight stay, or simply to be aware that I'm in for a terrible night's sleep!

Oh Joy

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #50 on: May 20, 2016, 10:47:51 AM »
Coming from someone who just finally bought her first table that seats more than four without squishing...

For the meal seating, I would suggest a division that doesn't completely segregate the hosts from the guests.  This may be six at the table and two at the bar, but the two are the host/hostess and one person they "just don't get to chat enough with" or who is helping with the meal or some such reason.

Or break into four and four, setting up a card table nearby.   We often do a "kiddie table" with one of the hosts dining with the kids and the other host enjoying adult time at the table...the kids are at a coffee table that has little stools under it, while DH or I eat from our lap on the adjacent couch.

Whatever your layout and dynamics are, I think you can roll with it in a way that doesn't leave guests feel like they've exiled the servants to the kitchen.   ;)

gellchom

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #51 on: May 20, 2016, 11:12:38 AM »
Other people sleep, play Scrabble and probably have died in most hotel beds, and I sleep there just fine. It's furniture, not a psychic sponge.
:)

Whatever your layout and dynamics are, I think you can roll with it in a way that doesn't leave guests feel like they've exiled the servants to the kitchen.   ;)

That says it beautifully.  OP, does that help you understand what so many of us are saying?

magicdomino

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #52 on: May 20, 2016, 11:13:03 AM »
Also yes i would prefer to stay in the same room as a litter box on a futon mat then in hosts bed.

I already sleep in the same room as a litter box.  Good thing it is a big bedroom.   :)

crazycatlady331

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #53 on: May 20, 2016, 02:42:21 PM »
Regarding the scrabble activities in beds.  The difference between a hotel bed and a host bed is that one is complete strangers and the other is someone you know.  Many people realize that most adults play scrabble, but can be squicked out by the thought of someone they know doing so.  (For example, most people don't want to think about their parents playing scrabble). 

I personally hate being an overnight guest and would rather make the visit a day trip or stay in a hotel.  But I'm also an incredibly private person and don't want to infringe on other people's privacy.   Absent an emergency (or scrabble), I don't host overnight guests (their accommodations would be a couch). 

I was the kid that was always bumped from my bedroom when we had overnight guests (never my sister) and it made me resent having them.  To this day, I still have some of the resentment, which explains my reluctance to host them.

Allyson

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #54 on: May 21, 2016, 08:07:09 PM »
I think that part of the problem is that everyone has their own "squicks" and so trying to make general rules based on one's own tastes/squicks can end up making another person really really uncomfortable. I think that's probably why there used to be more of a "this is how Polite Society does it, deal with it" as then there's no personal aspect going on, it's just what happens. But people come from so many different cultures, families, etc. that I think that without clear, honest communication it's likely someone is going to end up feeling resentful -- but of course some people also see it as rude to do anything other than accept!

blarg314

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #55 on: May 22, 2016, 02:48:03 AM »

For me, what would make me uncomfortable in the hosts' bed is not that they engage in marital activities there, but the fact that I'm in their very private space.

It is generally the rule that the host sets the level of hospitality and the guest graciously accepts it. But is also the rule that the host considers the comfort of the guests when deciding on the hospitality, and you have a fair amount of evidence, from your guests and responses on the forum, that the hospitality you are offering is making your guests uncomfortable.

I think part of the issue is that you are trying to host in a manner that you're not set up to do. You are having overnight guests, even though you don't have a place for them to sleep. You are hosting sit-down dinner parties for more people than you can seat.

So there are some options. If you want to continue hosting overnight guests and eight person dinner parties, you can consider re-arranging your home in a way that lets you do this with the comfort of your guests in mind. You could get a table that expands to fit more people, or a locking cabinet for personal papers so the office can double as a guest room, or change where you put the litter box so that room could be used. You could also change the type of event - invite fewer people to dinner so everyone can sit at the table, or make it a more casual dinner where you can eat off of your laps. One option for sleeping is to set up the futon in the living room, which would be a lot more comfortable for many people than taking the hosts' bed.

miranova

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Re: courtesy wars
« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2016, 09:14:15 PM »


I think part of the issue is that you are trying to host in a manner that you're not set up to do. You are having overnight guests, even though you don't have a place for them to sleep. .....One option for sleeping is to set up the futon in the living room, which would be a lot more comfortable for many people than taking the hosts' bed.

I agree with this.  I mean no disrespect, there is nothing wrong with simply not being set up to host overnight guests.  Your house is what it is.  But if the only place for them to sleep is your personal bed, you may want to consider the possibility that hosting overnight guests may not be a good idea.  You only have to read this thread to see that many people are not comfortable taking over the host's bedroom.  I am the same way and it has nothing to do with scrabble activities.  I just don't want to invade someone's personal space.  Someone's bedroom is so private and personal.  I don't go into people's bedrooms unless explicitly invited and even then, only if there is a specific purpose (like "look at our renovation!") and I certainly don't want to stay in there while the hosts aren't in there themselves.  I would NEVER snoop but I still feel like there are so many items in a bedroom that are private, and I don't even want to take the risk of seeing something private by accident.

I would honestly rather pay for a hotel than sleep in someone else's master bedroom.