News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 23, 2017, 04:34:26 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"  (Read 6438 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ceallach

  • Member
  • Posts: 4490
    • This Is It
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2016, 11:17:42 PM »
I think context definitely plays a big part.  Somebody saying "We can't come, can you move it" would sound demanding.   But in response to "Can you join us for dinner on the 20th?" a polite "Oh no we have a prior engagement!  Any chance we could do the 22nd instead?"  seems perfectly innocent and pleasant.   
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Venus193

  • Member
  • Posts: 17049
  • Backstage passes are wonderful things!
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2016, 11:53:26 PM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.





Deetee

  • Member
  • Posts: 6101
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2016, 12:38:35 AM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.

I don't see the issue at all if it''s the same people. Maybe the same people are busy.

I know that many/most of my social engagements involve an ongoing game of "pick the date". People work/have kids/travel etc... If people weren't willing to negotiate we would never see each.

Why would I get offended if the same person can't make dinner on my suggested date because they are out of town on multiple occasions?

As I stated up thread, it depends on the type of invitation but if it's an invite to a specific person/social unit, I want to find a time that works for both of us.

artk2002

  • Member
  • Posts: 13812
    • The Delian's Commonwealth
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2016, 10:22:18 AM »
The author mentioned that there are repeat incidents of this.   I don't blame her for being offended if it's the same people.

I wonder what the author's response to these people is. If it's "Well, let's work on it" then she's taught them that they are doing the right thing. If it's "Oh, that's too bad. We'll catch you another time" then she's teaching them that they are doing the wrong thing.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Outdoor Girl

  • Member
  • Posts: 16414
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2016, 10:34:49 AM »
I organize a lunch group at work.  At first, I was trying to work with everyone's schedules and find a day that would work for most people.  That was a lot of work!  Then I set a specific day each month and let people know that was the day we'd be going.  Which then had to be cancelled regularly because I'd end up the only one available.  So finally, I started checking with the two people who were most consistent with going out for lunch and arrange something that worked for the three of us.  Then I'd invite everyone else in the group to join us, or not.  This has worked much better!

I'd probably approach a formal dinner party the same way.  Get in touch with the one or two couples I really wanted to be there and arrange a date that worked with them.  Then I'd invite other couples to fill the table.  And if that date didn't work for them?  Oh, sorry.  Hope to see you next time!
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

crazycatlady331

  • Member
  • Posts: 286
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2016, 06:32:18 PM »
(Note, I've never hosted a formal dinner party and probably never will.)  Hosting friends usually involves ordering pizza and letting people have free reign of the blender for boozy cocktails.

When my group of friends organizes events, it is typically done by group text.   If the initial proposal is the 22nd and it does not work, and someone suggests the 23rd, everyone has their chance to veto it (to the group).  If it is being hosted by someone, then host gets first dibbs on the date.  (If it is at a public place like a restaurant, it is the date that works for the most people).   Even a set in stone date (like a birthday) can be moved around (especially if the actual birthday falls during the week). 

Bottom line is it is a know your audience type thing.  But if I want to host something for 5 people, and the date does not work for 4/5, then I'm changing the date.

TaterTot

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #21 on: May 27, 2016, 11:19:00 PM »

 

I think negotiating for a casual dinner is one thing, there is no negotiating for a formal dinner or party period.       

I agree, and that was my take on the DA letter; not a "hey let's go to dinner, and try and figure out a good day/time" but more "i'm having a small party/dinner party on x date, at x time" are you able to come, and the invitee isn't but then wants everything changed to fit their convenience and schedule.

DD set up a group ticket buy & date for a trip to the state Renaissance Festival while I was there.  The weekend chosen was Mothers' Day, because my flight home was Tuesday...at the next-to-the-last minute, someone in the original group announced that the whole group had to go a week later, as a sibling was going to graduate that weekend and they had to go.  Then another person announced that they were going to graduate on Friday and the trip needed to be put off until Saturday morning instead of Friday evening (and stay in a hotel). 

The first person got emailed their tickets and told to have fun whenever they went but that everyone else was going to go in the group which *her* mother was attending, as the flight could not be rescheduled easily or cheaply.  Second person was in "our party" and we left early Saturday morning...after some kerfluffle about "I'm going to skip the graduating & just drop by to pick up my certificate (note - not a diploma) on the way up Friday evening" and decided that they would walk after all...

The reduced size group did enjoy the Renaissance Festival - even the one with the certificate for a two year program (not a degree) - but I have no contact with the "my sibling is graduating and the other nine of you must reschedule to allow Spouse & me to go to both events on different weekends" person.

Can you explain why the bolded are relevant for your examples? I do not see why these asides are necessary.

VorFemme

  • Member
  • Posts: 13803
  • It's too darned hot! (song from Kiss Me, Kate)
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2016, 10:02:53 AM »

 

I think negotiating for a casual dinner is one thing, there is no negotiating for a formal dinner or party period.       

I agree, and that was my take on the DA letter; not a "hey let's go to dinner, and try and figure out a good day/time" but more "i'm having a small party/dinner party on x date, at x time" are you able to come, and the invitee isn't but then wants everything changed to fit their convenience and schedule.

DD set up a group ticket buy & date for a trip to the state Renaissance Festival while I was there.  The weekend chosen was Mothers' Day, because my flight home was Tuesday...at the next-to-the-last minute, someone in the original group announced that the whole group had to go a week later, as a sibling was going to graduate that weekend and they had to go.  Then another person announced that they were going to graduate on Friday and the trip needed to be put off until Saturday morning instead of Friday evening (and stay in a hotel). 

The first person got emailed their tickets and told to have fun whenever they went but that everyone else was going to go in the group which *her* mother was attending, as the flight could not be rescheduled easily or cheaply.  Second person was in "our party" and we left early Saturday morning...after some kerfluffle about "I'm going to skip the graduating & just drop by to pick up my certificate (note - not a diploma) on the way up Friday evening" and decided that they would walk after all...

The reduced size group did enjoy the Renaissance Festival - even the one with the certificate for a two year program (not a degree) - but I have no contact with the "my sibling is graduating and the other nine of you must reschedule to allow Spouse & me to go to both events on different weekends" person.

Can you explain why the bolded are relevant for your examples? I do not see why these asides are necessary.

They had earlier announced that they weren't going to pick up the certificate for the two year junior college, then decided that they would walk "since they were there already" and they had to go earlier than usual to drop off a job application "on the way".

Their family members have noticed that they keep applying for two year programs and now have four or five two year "programs", no job, and are already planning to start another two year program...while the sibling they are couch surfing at has spent the same amount of time in a classroom and has an undergraduate and a graduate diploma...and a job, spouse, house, and two kids.  The "short term planning" that keeps happening is starting to drive everyone else up the wall a bit...but if you speak to the person (not even harshly - just any comment that is unwelcome, like "could you start putting your dishes from a midnight snack in the dishwasher & running it instead of leaving them on the kitchen counter") will cause dramatic "everyone hates me, nobody loves me, I'm going to eat a worm and die" type comments.

It's like having either a teenager or a menopausal woman couch surfing...the mood swings are horrendous.  As are the tears of what *I* see as "I'm not getting my way"...

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8131
Re: Dear Abby - "dinner invite isn't a negotiation"
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2016, 10:38:25 PM »
I think context definitely plays a big part.  Somebody saying "We can't come, can you move it" would sound demanding.   But in response to "Can you join us for dinner on the 20th?" a polite "Oh no we have a prior engagement!  Any chance we could do the 22nd instead?"  seems perfectly innocent and pleasant.

I agree with this. I also think that a close friend or relative has more leeway in suggesting an alternative date than a mere friendly acquaintance.