A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

Deadbeat and Absent Fathers

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Venus193:
What do you all think is the cause of this?  In the last three years or so I've heard too many stories of men skipping out on parental responsibilities including -- but not limited to -- their financial obligations.  Are people suddenly becoming allergic to adult responsibilities?

While there are state laws that do not allow fathers to escape supporting their children, how effectively are they enforced?  How many times do we hear in the news about men who have walked out on their children and the mothers of those children?  How many women do you know who are supporting their children on their own because of this?  How many have bypassed men altogether to adopt or to go to a sperm bank so they don't have to deal with men because of trust issues?

If the mods want to remove this thread because it is too inflammatory, I will not be surprised or even upset.  The thread about that rich family with the irresponsible guy with the two families just got my dander up.

Brentwood:
I can only speak for my own case. In that situation, my daughter's father was so angry at me, so bitter over me, that he allowed it to affect the welfare of his own daughter.

I was the one who ended our relationship, which apparently was the source of some deep-seated resentment directed at me. He told my parents that he would not be involved in any legal paperwork that stipulated child support because he didn't want "that woman" (me) to get "his" money. You'd think it had nothing to do with our child! When I left him, we had been living in a 1969 Rollohome trailer, which I owned half of in reality, but not on paper. He had purchased it in his name, and I'd given him half the money. That was foolish. After I left, he sold it and kept all of the money, not even offering me any towards the care and feeding of our child.

I bought a new car when our daughter was two. The one I'd had was constantly breaking down and sucking money. I bought the new one with a $500 down payment I'd had to save for darn near to years to get! Ex told me that if I could afford a new car, I "obviously" didn't need child support, and he didn't want to see "his" money go to pay for my car anyway! As if I did not need a car to safely transport my child and get to and from work so I could support her. Which at least **I** was doing.

Although we have mended fences, I am still angry with him for avoiding and dodging child support all those years. I was the sole joint and physical custodian of our child, and I gave him regular visitation for the good of our daughter. There was no court order saying I had to. Why? Because in Minnesota (at least in those days), any visitation order would come attached to a child support order. He did not want to take me to court for any reason, because he knew he'd get slapped with child support.

There were a lot worse things than the above too, but I'd also like to note that he was divorced when I met him and paying $200 per month for child support to his ex-wife for their son.

My daughter is turning 20 this year. She knows that her father never paid child support for her but did for her older half-brother. And she has a lot of issues with her dad. She lives with him now, and he complains that she doesn't contribute enough financially to the household. Can you believe THAT?

Of his own free will, he chose to pay for ice skating lessons when she was a preteen, and he always bought her whatever items of clothing or toys she wanted. I guess he thought that made up for not paying child support.

This is just my longwinded way of saying that perhaps, like my case, many men are so angry at the mothers of their children that they refuse to do anything that might benefit her in any way. They think they are punishing the women, but it's the children who suffer.

Venus193:
That's a sad story.  How did your daughter perceive things when she was younger? 

In my own case, my father was fatherless himself from the age of 4.  There was nobody to teach him responsibilities of this type and so he was financially immature in most things.  He and my mother broke up when I was 7 and he never gave my mother much in the way of child support.  Not because he didn't want to; he never made enough money to do the right thing. 

This was a kind of karmic payback to my mother, as she was a golddigger at the time she married my father.  Further payback was that she never found the sugar daddy she was looking for.  I guess the other men saw through her in ways my father wasn't able to.

Alida:

--- Quote from: venus193 on January 09, 2007, 07:15:58 PM ---What do you all think is the cause of this?  In the last three years or so I've heard too many stories of men skipping out on parental responsibilities including -- but not limited to -- their financial obligations.  Are people suddenly becoming allergic to adult responsibilities?
--- End quote ---

My grandfather left NJ when my mother was 13, so he could avoid paying any kind of support to my grandmother for their 3 children.  Mom's 60 now, and only reconciled with her father about 15 years ago.  It's nothing new, unfortunately.

Brentwood:
When she was younger, she saw him as a "Disneyland Dad" - the kind who would get her whatever toy she asked for and wouldn't say no to her and had no idea how to discipline her. I had to sort of "reprogram" her after every weekend with him. Sometimes he told her horrible, hateful things about me, and it was hard to bite my tongue and avoid using her as some kind of go-between. I am glad now, though, that I did my best and kept my mouth shut and never badmouthed him to her. She is old enough to have figured things out on her own, and it shows in her relationship with him. I hope they can relate as adults now and that the current living arrangement will bring good things for her. She has always struggled with self-esteem issues. And she does now know that the things her father told her about me weren't true, and it puts a lot of her history in a new light.

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