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  • November 20, 2017, 03:22:44 PM

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Author Topic: I provide dinner for campsite- but someone there invites all neighboring sites!  (Read 11507 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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I agree that something needs to be said. What about a group email to the core group? That way you aren't singling Honey out and it sort of helps her to save face a little bit.

"Hey guys! Just touching base re: the upcoming camping trip. This year we have been assigned campsites a, b and c. These sites have the following amenities etc. We can check in to our sites at x time. We are providing menu A for dinner the first night, Menu B the second night and Menu C the third night (or whatever). Remember, we are only bringing enough food for our group so don't invite others to join us for meals!

Then continue with whatever other news/info you have about the camping and associated events.

I don't think a general email will work.  If Honey pitched a fit, she's probably one of those people who think, 'Well, that can't possibly apply to me!'  Better to address her directly, I think.  And then there is no possible way she can 'misunderstand'.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Zizi-K

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What about saying something in the moment, when she invites others to join you?

Honey: Hey NewFamily, would you like to join us for dinner?
You: NewFamily, we'd love to have you join us for an aperitif/before-dinner beer, but unfortunately I only brought enough provisions for our group. I'm so sorry for the mix-up. We will be grilling though, so if you have stuff you want to grill, we can certainly enjoy the evening together!

I'm guessing that honey would not offer your hospitality again if you nipped it in the bud like that.

(I will say, it probably is better and less awkward to speak to her in advance.)

NFPwife

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What about saying something in the moment, when she invites others to join you?

Honey: Hey NewFamily, would you like to join us for dinner?
You: NewFamily, we'd love to have you join us for an aperitif/before-dinner beer, but unfortunately I only brought enough provisions for our group. I'm so sorry for the mix-up. We will be grilling though, so if you have stuff you want to grill, we can certainly enjoy the evening together!

I'm guessing that honey would not offer your hospitality again if you nipped it in the bud like that.

(I will say, it probably is better and less awkward to speak to her in advance.)

I think the best approach is going to be a three pronged approach - a group e-mail like SamiHami suggested, then a follow-up e-mail or conversation with just Honey, and a practiced and rehearsed response to use in the moment with NewFamily when Honey ends up inviting them. (If Honey has advance warning, she can't pitch a fit when NewFamily is told there's not enough food for their group. Okay she can, but she doesn't have a leg to stand on, that's why a group e-mail is nice, everyone else has seen it.) I, personally, rehearse those things at least mentally because my graciousness can slip when I'm caught off guard. I'm likely to address things a little too directly. If I'm really angry, I completely let them slide in the moment, so I'd enter into the next trip expecting Honey to offer the hospitality and being ready for when she does.

The second step is tricky and I'd tack it on to another Honey communication, "Honey, we're planning X and Y and Z, and I just want to underscore that we've only prepped and budgeted food for the three core families. And I was thinking about A, B, C, what are your thoughts?"

mime

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I would caution against giving Honey the option to contribute to group supplies, or bring her own if she wants to offer food or drinks beyond the core group.  Her behavior to this point does not suggest that would solve the issue, but would complicate it.  Since she hasn't recognized that offering supplies she is not providing for is over-reaching, it would seem to me the better option is a clear line "don't do that" rather than needing to monitor, or negotiate the scope of what she may offer, regardless of who provides it.

OP, maybe you can address it with Honey by explaining you are providing for your families, and including Honey and Ralph without asking them for contributions because you are so appreciative of their assistance and they are valued members of your "core group."  While you enjoy socializing with others beyond your core group, you do not want to plan, pay or provision for more than the core group and need to get to a shared understanding with Honey to prevent any further differing expectations or issues.

This is a very good point!

An additional idea to prepare, in case Honey says she'll comply and doesn't...  Package up the dry stuffs for each meal in their own, sealed, box.  Put those boxes in a private area of your camp that Honey shouldn't be going into, like your bedroom in your trailer or your personal tent for sleeping.  And pull out the appropriate box only when it is time to start making the meal.  Leftovers are up for grabs whenever.  This is how we pack for canoe trips.  Everything for a meal gets put into a plastic bag and is marked with that day on the outside.  So when we're ready to start making the meal, we just grab that bag.  Snacks get put in ziplocks and get marked with the assigned day, too.  All the leftovers are put in the day pack where the day's lunch gets put and can be eaten whenever.

I do this when camping, too. It mostly eliminates the random kids who would catch a glimpse of my family's 3-day supply of food and think it was "extra" for sharing that day.

LazyDaisy

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I think it's fine (and beyond time) to assign Honey and Ralph something to bring at the same time that you are coordinating with the other family. I can't believe that they're help is so precious that they have been getting a free ride for several years. Make it matter of fact. "I've got abc covered, Other Family has xyz, Honey, you and Ralph can cover the drinks and snacks? I've found that x amount will cover all 10 of our group for one day, and of course any extra you wish to have on hand for drop by guests." If she brings it, then she's entitled to give it away and bears the chagrin if it all runs out. She may balk at bringing anything, which is the perfect opening to say that you can't provide for anyone she may invite over. Her add ons will have to make due with water.

Then don't mention or show your second day food/drinks until after they are gone.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." Douglas Adams

FauxFoodist

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It boils down to whether you prefer to be the one upset or that Honey be upset (I know what I'd prefer).  I could also see my DH being the one to make the offer to others without thinking how it affects the group (he did this when we were distributing food at a food bank and didn't understand why he needed to adhere to the rule of giving the one-gallon milk jugs to families of six or more, especially not to individuals, because supplies were limited and just because it was in front of us didn't mean we'd have enough; the next time we distributed food, I just made sure he didn't do the milk as he just wasn't getting it).

Anyway, I guess, if it were me, I'd go with the "loving but straightforward" approach, "Honey, you know we love to have you and Ralph join us, and we've appreciated all of your help and company these past few/several years.  However, we can't continue to invite you if you keep inviting others to partake in the food we bring for our three families.  We don't have enough food to include others, and neither of our two families can afford to feed others outside of what we budgeted for.  We'd like to invite you to join us again for the trip next month, but I need your assurance that you will not invite anybody to join us anymore.  I realize you got rather upset with me when I brought this up before, and I'd rather our relationship not deteriorate as a result.  What would you have us do, otherwise, to rectify this?  Are you willing to bring sufficient additional supplies that *you* will have on hand to offer to other families?  I know you're trying to be generous, but you can't be "generous" with the provisions that the other family and mine bring to last for our trip.  It's not yours to give away.  If it happens again, I'm afraid that we're just not going to be able to include you and Ralph anymore, and it would make us sad as we really do enjoy your company but can't have you inviting others to eat the food we bring for our group."

greencat

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Are Honey and Ralph even coming?  I wouldn't be anticipating a repeat visit from someone that stormed off like that.  I wouldn't be permitting a repeat visit, either.  Can a smaller campsite be arranged?

TeamBhakta

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Definitely don't offer Ralph & Honey the option of "chip in money / or bring some of the food." What will happen is Honey will say "well, I paid for the donuts / brought the extra beer, so my new friends are entitled to take some of your's, mine & our's, too." And Honey's randomly invited guests will assume it's a buffet for all, too; they're not going to think "I'm only supposed to take a scoop of Honey's food. Runningstar's platters next to it are off limits"
« Last Edit: June 29, 2016, 08:23:49 PM by TeamBhakta »

Runningstar

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Honey and Ralph are definitely coming.  Next week I'm going out of town for a week, no computer, barely any phone reception so I'll return refreshed and ready to get things in order for the camp out.  I'm going to say something to Honey when I get back, but I'm also kicking around the idea of just not doing the food at all. 

Just having the food for DD and I, our coolers/etc in the tent or car (I don't put food in tents - learned that lesson the hard way - skunks).  We would lose some of the fellowship, but also this issue.  There is usually a concession stand at the event, and also food nearby and sometimes in the campgrounds for sale, so as long as I let everyone know that this is the way it will be beforehand I'd be all set.
I'd say that DD and I would just eat whatever we can buy, but it isn't usually that great.




TootsNYC

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Don't forget the option of bringing ONLY enough food for each meal, packing it up by meal's worth, and keeping it out of sight in your tent.


oz diva

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My issue is that Honey invites people that stop by the site to have some food/drink.  Usually (thank goodness) people say no thank you as they have brought their own provisions, but we have usually fed at least one extra family each time.  I commented one trip that we don't have enough drinks, and were running low on breakfast items.  Honey got very upset, she threw a bit of a dramatic fit over it.
So Honey throws a fit on your dime. That's rather cheeky. She needs to butt out, and grow up. If she wants to throw a tanty, she can cough up some dough.

Victoria

PastryGoddess

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Honey and Ralph are definitely coming.  Next week I'm going out of town for a week, no computer, barely any phone reception so I'll return refreshed and ready to get things in order for the camp out.  I'm going to say something to Honey when I get back, but I'm also kicking around the idea of just not doing the food at all. 

Just having the food for DD and I, our coolers/etc in the tent or car (I don't put food in tents - learned that lesson the hard way - skunks).  We would lose some of the fellowship, but also this issue.  There is usually a concession stand at the event, and also food nearby and sometimes in the campgrounds for sale, so as long as I let everyone know that this is the way it will be beforehand I'd be all set.
I'd say that DD and I would just eat whatever we can buy, but it isn't usually that great.





This may sound weird but I think you should give Honey the opportunity to be a reasonable person ahead of time.  I actually think its a bit (only a bit) unfair to be mad(infuriated) at Honey without telling her why AND without giving her the opportunity to change/make amends.

So explain that she and Ralph cannot invite other people to share your food as you do not bring enough to do so.  Some of the other posters have given really good advice on how to go about saying that.  And then stop talking.  Don't ask them to bring their own food.  Just state that they cannot do X any longer for REASONS.

And see what she does/says.  She may shock you down to your toes and agree not to do it anymore.  Who knows, maybe she just didn't realize how much of a hardship it is on you. :-\  Or she may throw a fit and be upset with you. ::)   But as Art2K says...just because she's upset doesn't mean you've done anything wrong :)

Whatever you do moving forward, you'll know that they know that it's not ok to invite extra people to dine on your food. 

Runningstar

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PastryGoddess - I'm going to try it, but not until after next week when I get back.  I will keep an open mind.

tabitha

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On the word "infuriating" and it's various forms.  While the word "fury" is quite strong and not often used in my region except in quotes, the words "infuriated" or "infuriating" are often used.  These words have the connotation of describing an act that is often a thoughtless offence that would cause the infuriated individual to have a hot burning sensation of frustration and annoyance in the pit of their soul.  Often the situations are such that there is nothing that can be done at the time.

I think it was fair to use this word in the OP.  But since the OP herself was surprised she used it, I guess it's a regional thing.  Still, I just wanted to say that the word has a lot less strength here. 

It would be used in describing hyper children, clueless customers, coin machines not working at the laundry mat or being on hold with the phone company for 40 minutes etc.  So where I am, it's a perfect word to describe the OP's situation.

PastryGoddess

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On the word "infuriating" and it's various forms.  While the word "fury" is quite strong and not often used in my region except in quotes, the words "infuriated" or "infuriating" are often used.  These words have the connotation of describing an act that is often a thoughtless offence that would cause the infuriated individual to have a hot burning sensation of frustration and annoyance in the pit of their soul.  Often the situations are such that there is nothing that can be done at the time.

I think it was fair to use this word in the OP.  But since the OP herself was surprised she used it, I guess it's a regional thing.  Still, I just wanted to say that the word has a lot less strength here. 

It would be used in describing hyper children, clueless customers, coin machines not working at the laundry mat or being on hold with the phone company for 40 minutes etc.  So where I am, it's a perfect word to describe the OP's situation.

Oh yes I agree that it's the perfect word, I'm sorry if it seemed like I meant otherwise.  That's why I think it's so important that the OP nips it in the bud.