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Author Topic: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?  (Read 4081 times)

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KatGamer

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Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« on: July 07, 2016, 01:12:25 AM »
I went to dinner with some friends recently. The youngest of us is getting married. (She's 26, the rest of us are all in our 30s). At the time, the bride was the only one who knew that everyone at the table was invited but me. I didn't know my invitation status, and the other ladies didn't know I wasn't invited. I assumed they were, however.

A few months ago, I'd kind of asked if I would be invited to her wedding. It's out of state and I just needed to be able to plan for it (I didn't say this to her.) She said she hoped so but her venue was very small and she and the groom both have large families. This was kind of a hint, I suppose.

So back to dinner. The bride is talking about some co-workers who had asked if they were invited to her wedding. She said that she'd already sent her save the date cards (this is when I realized I didn't make the invitation list) and made a point to say that she felt it was very rude of them to ask if they were invited. Did I make a faux pas here? Should I just assume I'm not invited to things unless told otherwise?

I'm not terribly upset about not being invited, because at the same dinner, the bride went on to say how she was only inviting people if she felt their gift would cover the cost of their plate (which she pointed out was $80), and perhaps compensating the poor folks who didn't get invited to the wedding by inviting them to her bridal shower. The other women in our group told her both these things were rude and unacceptable. Later on when they found out I hadn't been invited they all apologized to me, saying they would have steered the conversation away from the wedding if they'd known. I said it was okay, they didn't know, and in fact I hadn't known myself until she said she'd already sent her save the date cards. Because of all this, one of our group has decided not to attend the wedding (and offered me her place, which I thanked her for but declined) and another said the more she hears about the situation, the more disappointed she is.
« Last Edit: July 07, 2016, 01:15:14 AM by KatGamer »

Mustard

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2016, 03:44:50 AM »
I can see why everyone thought you were invited, given that the bride was talking about the wedding.  She does seem clueless though - and grabby.  I have never heard that wedding invitations could be transferable though! I think you've dodged a bullet by not being invited.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2016, 05:08:59 AM »
If you have a reasonable expectation of being invited and there are significant logistics to arrange, like an out of state wedding, I don't think it is horribly rude to ask if you are invited.

Personally, I probably wouldn't ask; if the invitation came after I already had other plans arranged, I'd decline.

And I agree with Mustard; it sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2016, 06:32:25 AM »
It might be a slight faux pas, but if you're good friends, I can kind of see why you'd ask if you needed to make travel arrangements.

The Bride definitely showed bad form in openly talking about her wedding in front of you - given that you'd expressed interest in attending but she knew she wasn't going to invite you. If the Bride was my friend, I'd be scaling back on this friendship.

weaselfrance

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2016, 08:37:53 AM »
Any impoliteness on your part in asking if you were invited to the wedding is a drop in the ocean compared to the bride's behaviour. You asked because you needed to think about the logistics and had the sense to take her hint.

Bride to be was:

a) talking about an event to which you haven't been invited in front of you
b) making it clear she and her groom are inviting people who can get them expensive gifts (I suppose this means that they think your gift wouldn't cover your plate)
c) inviting people to a shower to get more presents but not inviting them to the wedding (have read enough on this site to know that's a no-no even though I've never been to a shower in my life).
d) seems to be either deluded or egotistical enough to think that coming to this shower is some kind of compensation for missing out on her wedding.

Good for those who called her out on this and I hope she has the sense to listen to the advice she's received.

Not OK for someone to try to give you her invitation for the wedding. At all! Don't go if you don't want to, for whatever reason, but it's not acceptable to substitute someone else for you. Especially as they're expected to splash out $$$ for the honour of attending.

Edited for typo
« Last Edit: July 07, 2016, 08:41:10 AM by weaselfrance »

Carotte

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2016, 08:45:32 AM »
I can see why everyone thought you were invited, given that the bride was talking about the wedding.  She does seem clueless though - and grabby.  I have never heard that wedding invitations could be transferable though! I think you've dodged a bullet by not being invited.

That's the least you can say, it's quite a laundry list of faux pas!
And how awkward for those who were invited too, that *wink wink, nudge nudge* "Oh by the way I'm expecting at least 80$ gifts from you guys" is appaling.

As for asking, no, I don't think you were out of line since you were part of a social group of people who were invited, it was normal to think you might be. Thats a bit like inviting 9 out of ten cousins, it seems weird to leave out just one 'just because' (barring something like 10th being a massive boor you sweared never to see again..)
Now that you know her motivation to build the guest list I'd say a casual good ridance to this person!

Hmmmmm

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2016, 12:58:05 PM »
I don't think someone should ask if they will be invited to any event. It is up to the hosts to issue the invitations. If that requires communicating information earlier than issuing the invitation, they send save the dates.

Yes, there is the potential of them not sending save the dates and causing you to have scheduling conflicts or travel arrangement problems. But that's on them. They'll just have less guests able to celebrate their wedding with them.

And I completely agree you are lucky to not be invited to this event.

lakey

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2016, 03:46:19 PM »
1.
Quote
Because of all this, one of our group has decided not to attend the wedding (and offered me her place, which I thanked her for but declined)
Yikes. One guest does not have any right to "offer her place" to someone who was not invited.
2. I don't think you should ask if you are invited because many couples are facing some really hard decisions about who has to be cut from the guest list, and when someone asks if they're invited, it just makes it tougher on the couple. I can see why you were confused because it is a bit odd to invite everyone from a group, except 1. But again, they probably just had to start limiting.
3. Inviting people, who are not invited to the wedding, to a shower looks like a gift grab.
4. Coming right out and telling people that they are expected to give a gift worth at least $80 is very tacky. If you can't handle the $80 per plate cost, have a meal you can afford at a venue you can afford. When I was younger, most wedding receptions were held in church halls or similar halls. Everyone ate, drank and danced, and no one had to go into debt to pay for it.

gramma dishes

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2016, 03:58:02 PM »

3. Inviting people, who are not invited to the wedding, to a shower looks like a gift grab.


If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ...   :-\

It is a gift grab. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2016, 04:08:56 PM »
I get that you'd want to be able to plan things in advance (ask for time off, save for the plane ticket, etc.), and would want to know if you were invited.

But that's what the save-the-date is supposed to be for. You would ideally wait.

Now, of course, the couple might not send one, and you'd still be waiting... Though in that case, you simply say, "Oh, shucks, I didn't know about the invitation in time, and I can't get the time off."

However, I vote "not really polite" to say, "I hope you'll let me know early if I'm invited, so I can ask for the time off," or even "Are you planning to invite me? I understand if it's a small wedding, but I'm just thinking about how hard it can be to get the time off."
   I understand the urge to do that, though.
  Her, "I hope, but it's a small wedding" is a nice clue—and points to you for picking it up!

Points also to you for not creating an awkward situation in the middle of her rudeness.

I think it was pretty rude of her to complain about the coworkers in front of all of you.

(and yes,the coworkers were kind of rude as well. But probably this bride needs to stop talking so much about her wedding)

DianeRN

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2016, 09:00:04 PM »
I may be misinterpreting the whole story, but I think KatGamer is asking if she has already made a faux pas by asking about an invitation a few months ago. The story of the dinner was to state that the bride said that it was rude to ask if one was being invited to a wedding.

lilfox

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2016, 09:09:55 PM »
<snip>

I'm not terribly upset about not being invited, because at the same dinner, the bride went on to say how she was only inviting people if she felt their gift would cover the cost of their plate (which she pointed out was $80), and perhaps compensating the poor folks who didn't get invited to the wedding by inviting them to her bridal shower. The other women in our group told her both these things were rude and unacceptable.

<snip>

This person is your friend?  I'd reconsider that definition.  She might just have a bad case of Bridezilla-itis, but wow.

About the invitation, I think the only way to go is wait to receive a save-the-date and also make some low-key contingency plans if you feel you would attend if invited.  I can see why you would ask, though, if the bride had been talking about wedding stuff with the group that you are clearly a part of.

ladyknight1

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2016, 07:57:19 AM »
How often do you (general) get save the date cards?

We've been invited to 4 weddings in a year and did not receive one such card.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
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gramma dishes

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2016, 08:55:24 AM »
^^^  We've never ever received one.

Alicia

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2016, 09:00:06 AM »
How often do you (general) get save the date cards?

We've been invited to 4 weddings in a year and did not receive one such card.
Every wedding I have been invited to in the last decade has sent out save the date cards.