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Author Topic: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?  (Read 4082 times)

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gellchom

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #15 on: July 08, 2016, 09:30:30 AM »
Once every never I disagree with Toots!

Actually, I only slightly disagree. 

If it's a good enough friend or a relative, and you have good reason to believe there is a good chance you will be invited, and you really do need to make travel or vacation day request plans, I think it's okay to ask, certainly if the alternative is to have to skip the wedding if you don't find out until the invitations go out, which will disappoint them as well as you. 

I've had a cousin ask if kids will be invited, for example, because her family had to make travel choices.  I didn't mind a bit, and I absolutely preferred it to her having to decline. 

However, I do agree that it's definitely a know-your-audience situation.  And certainly is put in plenty of "disclaimers" -- like, "Sorry to ask, and it's absolutely okay either way, but I need to put in for my vacation days now ..." or the like.

Carotte

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #16 on: July 08, 2016, 11:09:37 AM »
Once every never I disagree with Toots!

Actually, I only slightly disagree. 

If it's a good enough friend or a relative, and you have good reason to believe there is a good chance you will be invited, and you really do need to make travel or vacation day request plans, I think it's okay to ask, certainly if the alternative is to have to skip the wedding if you don't find out until the invitations go out, which will disappoint them as well as you. 

I've had a cousin ask if kids will be invited, for example, because her family had to make travel choices.  I didn't mind a bit, and I absolutely preferred it to her having to decline. 

However, I do agree that it's definitely a know-your-audience situation.  And certainly is put in plenty of "disclaimers" -- like, "Sorry to ask, and it's absolutely okay either way, but I need to put in for my vacation days now ..." or the like.

I think there's even a way to hint at the fact that you'd like to know if you're invited, maybe not everyone will pick up on that, and then you're left either not asking or straight up asking, but something like asking if they've finished the invite list or sent the invites yet... add an annectode, ask in between something else regarding the wedding, hope they'll pick up on that...


gellchom

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2016, 11:18:47 AM »
Once every never I disagree with Toots!

Actually, I only slightly disagree. 

If it's a good enough friend or a relative, and you have good reason to believe there is a good chance you will be invited, and you really do need to make travel or vacation day request plans, I think it's okay to ask, certainly if the alternative is to have to skip the wedding if you don't find out until the invitations go out, which will disappoint them as well as you. 

I've had a cousin ask if kids will be invited, for example, because her family had to make travel choices.  I didn't mind a bit, and I absolutely preferred it to her having to decline. 

However, I do agree that it's definitely a know-your-audience situation.  And certainly is put in plenty of "disclaimers" -- like, "Sorry to ask, and it's absolutely okay either way, but I need to put in for my vacation days now ..." or the like.

I think there's even a way to hint at the fact that you'd like to know if you're invited, maybe not everyone will pick up on that, and then you're left either not asking or straight up asking, but something like asking if they've finished the invite list or sent the invites yet... add an annectode, ask in between something else regarding the wedding, hope they'll pick up on that...

Definitely also a know your audience situation.  I wouldn't mind one bit being asked directly in these circumstances; in fact, I'd welcome it.  But I would absolutely hate being hinted at; I'd feel manipulated.  YMMV.

tabitha

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2016, 05:06:28 PM »
I may be misinterpreting the whole story, but I think KatGamer is asking if she has already made a faux pas by asking about an invitation a few months ago. The story of the dinner was to state that the bride said that it was rude to ask if one was being invited to a wedding.

And your response to katgamers question is? 

(Mine is I can't tell for sure without knowing the relationship, but also agree you're better off sans invite!)

greencat

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2016, 06:10:24 PM »
After thinking about it a bit, I think it is a bit rude to ask at all.  The bride's response to the original question was tactful.  I can also understand being peeved at co-workers, who aren't always also people who are social associates, fishing for an invite.

However, the bride's comments about "cover your plate" and only inviting people who could do so were rude, rude, rude.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2016, 11:34:08 PM »
I may be misinterpreting the whole story, but I think KatGamer is asking if she has already made a faux pas by asking about an invitation a few months ago. The story of the dinner was to state that the bride said that it was rude to ask if one was being invited to a wedding.

And your response to katgamers question is? 

(Mine is I can't tell for sure without knowing the relationship, but also agree you're better off sans invite!)

Well, clearly the Bride considers it rude for a person to ask if they might be invited to a wedding. Which raises another point - isn't it considered rude to point out someone else's rudeness? Which is basically what the Bride did here (given that she (the Bride) knew the OP asked about being invited several months ago). The only saving grace is that at least the Bride didn't publicly "name and shame" the OP in front of their mutual friends.

sammycat

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2016, 12:28:55 AM »
I'm not terribly upset about not being invited, because at the same dinner, the bride went on to say how she was only inviting people if she felt their gift would cover the cost of their plate (which she pointed out was $80), and perhaps compensating the poor folks who didn't get invited to the wedding by inviting them to her bridal shower. The other women in our group told her both these things were rude and unacceptable. Later on when they found out I hadn't been invited they all apologized to me, saying they would have steered the conversation away from the wedding if they'd known. I said it was okay, they didn't know, and in fact I hadn't known myself until she said she'd already sent her save the date cards. Because of all this, one of our group has decided not to attend the wedding (and offered me her place, which I thanked her for but declined) and another said the more she hears about the situation, the more disappointed she is.

Well, isn't she a charmer.  Why is she your friend again?  I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding of someone like that. I'm glad your other friends know better and let BTB to know how wrong and rude she is.

It also highlights how distasteful this whole 'cover your plate' mindset is, no matter which angle it's coming from.

FTR, I've never received nor seen a save the date card.

ETA:  Just because it appears someone can spend $X on a wedding present, doesn't mean they actually will.  By the same token, some of the most expensive wedding presents we received were from those I would've least expected to have been able to afford it. So, using someone's perceived finances as a benchmark for what they might spend on any given thing isn't a good idea.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2016, 12:38:27 AM by sammycat »

sammycat

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Re: Is it rude to ask if you're invited to a wedding?
« Reply #22 on: July 09, 2016, 12:34:53 AM »
If it's a good enough friend or a relative, and you have good reason to believe there is a good chance you will be invited, and you really do need to make travel or vacation day request plans, I think it's okay to ask, certainly if the alternative is to have to skip the wedding if you don't find out until the invitations go out, which will disappoint them as well as you. 

I've had a cousin ask if kids will be invited, for example, because her family had to make travel choices.  I didn't mind a bit, and I absolutely preferred it to her having to decline. 

However, I do agree that it's definitely a know-your-audience situation.  And certainly is put in plenty of "disclaimers" -- like, "Sorry to ask, and it's absolutely okay either way, but I need to put in for my vacation days now ..." or the like.

Definitely also a know your audience situation.  I wouldn't mind one bit being asked directly in these circumstances; in fact, I'd welcome it.  But I would absolutely hate being hinted at; I'd feel manipulated.  YMMV.

I agree.

DH and I have been invited to a few events via facebook (not weddings) where it wasn't clear whether our kids were invited or not. These were close enough friends where I could just ask straight out whether the kids were included or not. No one was offended and it solved the dilemma immediately. For people with a less close relation.ship I probably wouldn't ask, and would err on the side of caution and not take the kids (although I did that once and everyone asked where (then) baby DS was. ::)  If you specifically wanted him there, you should've named him in the invite).