News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 20, 2017, 05:36:47 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84  (Read 19030 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

greencat

  • Member
  • Posts: 3899
  • Trap...Neuter...What was that third thing again?
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #15 on: July 13, 2016, 08:31:30 PM »
"Mom, Dad, we're still anti-marriage.  We don't want a wedding, just a piece of paper so the legal system recognizes our commitment.  We are doing this as soon as possible so we can start having those legal protections as soon as possible.  We already committed to each other for the long term years ago.  We are feeling a bit hurt that you're acting like we haven't been committed to each other for the long-term already, and we'd really like you to stop making comments about (Celany) being officially part of the family now.  She's been my primary partner for a very long time now."

For your parents: "Mom, dad, we did a quick courthouse ceremony so we could get Partner on my health insurance.  We still don't believe in weddings and marriage, this was just paper for the legal system."

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #16 on: July 13, 2016, 09:23:14 PM »
I'm confused regarding the reluctance to not mention it your own parents. If there's no toxicity then I don't understand that stance.

I'd be horrifically hurt if my child/ren didn't think their marriage, of all things, was worth telling me about.  Even if the marriage/wedding isn't seen as important to the couple involved, like or not, it is considered a milestone event and normal passage of life to the general populace and generally warrants mention (at the very least) to family and close friends. An occasion could arise in the future where married or non-married status could have a bearing, and finding that out in the heat of the moment could be awkward.  If there is major toxicity, or a CD, then ignore that paragraph.

As for your situation, I'd stick my original date and plan, tell both sets of parents before or immediately after (seeing as you've already told one set, then I think it's fair to tell the other set, barring any toxicity or CD). Then I'd compromise with the inlaws by having a party/reception when they come back into your neck of the woods. That may mean organising it yourself and then informing the parents that it's on at X date, if there's a chance they'll try and steamroll you. And unless there's some major toxicity with your own parents, I'd definitely invite them too. I'd stick to my guns about it being low key, but I'd still go ahead and let the people who care about you share in this life occasion.

CuriousParty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1059
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2016, 10:53:33 PM »
I haven't thought this all the way through to a final "Here's what I suggest!" script, but as I was reading the responses what I kept coming back to was - you are having a language problem. You are not getting "married", really, in the way that they use the word "married" because you don't really believe in "marriage" the way that the mean"marriage." They didn't see your lifelong commitment as the same as marriage, not because they think your commitment is in itself lesser but because their word for life long commitment IS "marriage," so to them this is different.

Which is not to say they are correct, but from the perspective of their language they are not wrong either.

So my general suggestion is to change your language, and use your own instead of theirs. You are not getting "married"/making a lifelong commitment. You are changing your legal status to reflect the commitment already in place, and ensure legal recognition of that commitment. I'd explain to them, once, that this is what you are doing, that the legal paperwork calls it marriage but you do not, and then stick to whatever language (even if it's a mouthful) that you have chosen, until they understand what you are doing. I might even add that this legal arrangement is flexible, and is subject to readjustment in whatever way best fits your family as you evolve.

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33792
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2016, 11:07:18 PM »
Wanting to have his old friend be the witness has a certain dissonance with the idea of "we're not really getting married; this isn't a traditional thing; it's just for the insurance."

I think Curious Party is right--the semantics, and the meanings (because that's what semantics is--it's about meaning, not just about word choice, because words mean things), are not clear.

But the whole "you need to invite our siblings" is baloney, and you can just ignore it; just say, "Sorry, Mom & Dad, this is our choice." And then stop talking about it with them. If they bring it up, be puzzled. "We've already talked about this."

Alicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 774
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2016, 11:14:55 PM »
You keep mentioning polyamourous Yet you are surprised that his family thinks you are more family by planning to marry your partner. Polyamourous people i know are 3 or 4 people in a pretty much equilateral triangle or square relationship with all 3 or 4 or more people being about equal in the relationship.  Getting married shows legally and socially that you two are the importance lifelong relationship and the non married partner or partners is the lesser relationship.  So how does your non engaged polyamour partner or partners feel about being relegated to lesser status legally and socially? If what you really mean is open relationship then disregard all of this. 
If his parents were willing to pay health insurance until fall would you be ok with delay of marriage till fall?
« Last Edit: July 13, 2016, 11:21:45 PM by Alicia »

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2016, 09:37:53 AM »
I agree with he posters who say that what's going on here is confusion.  I don't see malice or manipulation.  I certainly understand your reaction to "the wedding is for the family, not the couple"!  But in this context it sounds to me like what they meant was more like "we want to have a celebration; even though it's not important to you, it is to the family."  Anyway, although they shouldn't have said that, that's not the issue.

I'd be confused, too -- you say it's meaningless emotionally, just a legal formality for insurance,but you chose the date so that a special person could be a witness, not a random stranger at the courthouse.  Can't you see how a parent wold find it hurtful that their presence is meaningless to their child?

I'm not saying this is insincere or hypocritical; there's not anything wrong at all with not being perfectly consistent.  My point is just that you're sending some mixed signals, so keep that in mind when interpreting their words and requests.

As other posters have said, as you want them to respect your feelings, beliefs, and values, you need to do the same for them. You don't want to hear them talking about how they feel about things -- and we can all understand that! -- but your partner just gave them a pretty big earful about how he feels.  I know it can be tiresome, but loving, healthy families naturally care about what their loved ones, especially their own children, are doing.  Your marriage is meaningless to you, but their child's marriage is a Big Deal to them.

That said, you are entitled to do things the way you want -- you just can't insist that everyone look at it the way you do.  So be tactful and understanding, just as you want them to be.  I think some of the suggested "scripts" you've gotten such as greencat's are good.  And I agree with sammycat about letting them give you some kind of party, if you can stand it.  Invite your parents. 

You do need to tell your families about your new legal status.  You may not think this marriage means anything, but if the deity forbid occurs, a hospital, morgue, or court certainly will.

« Last Edit: July 21, 2016, 12:03:46 PM by gellchom »

Celany

  • Member
  • Posts: 1661
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2016, 10:39:59 AM »
ok, some clarifications:

- This is all really confusing to us too. We've both been staunchly anti-marriage for ourselves for quite a while. For me, most of my 30s. For partner, his whole life. He's somewhat confused that his parents don't remember all the talks that they'd had in the past about that (when he was much younger, and asking them about marriage, and forming his feelings on it) and he wonders if (since he was so young when those talks happened) they think he grew out of those feelings. Which is definitely something to address.

- From the p0ly side of things, everything you mentioned is what we don't like about getting married, as marriage laws currently stand, Alicia. Which is why we hadn't gotten married before, and we're not thrilled to be getting married now.

- My girlfriend is married (I was in her wedding), and she (and her husband) have similar feelings to ours. They definitely want kids, and after months of talking to lawyers and thinking of different documents to draft for protections in case of one of them becoming sick, or in terms of what would happen with the kids if one of them died, they decided having the protections of marriage were more important than their ideals, though it was a bitterish conclusion.

- My mom probably has borderline personality disorder, has a history of mental illness, and a history of making things all about herself. During doing hospice care for my aunt a few weeks ago, she literally said "I'm sick of everything not being about me! When's it going to be about me?!". This was in regards to my other (non-dying aunt) explaining to my mom that when non-dying aunt decided to have her friends (who are also nurses, healthy aunt is also a nurse) come over to help with Auntie's care, my mom got angry and said "well, you didn't consult me, and I don't know how I feel about that". Keep in mind that Nurse Aunt has been the primary go person for my dying aunt since she was diagnosed with cancer, and had been her caregiver for the past few weeks, since dying aunt went sharply downhill (dying aunt was by her own choice, doing hospice in Nurse Aunt's home - hospital bed in the living room and daily home health visits and everything). So, that said, if my mom needs to ask the question "when it is going to be about me?" in that situation, trusting her to NOT make my wedding all about her is...not something I'm willing to do. And I'm an only child. Who she didn't really want, but she's Catholic (she told me this when I was a kid). While we have a decent-ish relationship as adults, it's still fraught with all kinds of insanity, and sometimes she acts like a rational, awesome person, but other times, she's an absolute terror.

- Partner's parents are generally awesome people. So awesome that we went on a week-long road trip for Christmas last year together. Let me tell you...8 hours a day, most days, with your partner's parents, for close to a week...it's an experience, even when they're awesome. But it was actually mostly a good experience, and we all had some really great bonding time together.

- We DO want to explain our feelings to them, not coming from a place of looking for their approval, but from a place of just explaining "this is how we feel. it's not up for debate, and we're not changing our mind, but we would like to at least give you some words to see if you can understand". They are generally very good at looking beyond themselves and have previously been capable of saying "that's not for me, but hearing your logic, I understand why it is for you".

- In regards to Partner's childhood friend coming, sure, we could have asked a rando (or two) to be our witnesses. But that felt crappy. Can't explain why. But it did. He wanted his childhood friend. I wanted my girlfriend. Like I said, we have mixed feelings about this and we're really feeling our way as we go.

- Last night, I learned that Partner's aunt, after spending 8 years living with her girlfriend, got married, and they didn't tell anybody right away OR have any kind of party. Of course, for them, part of it was not being ABLE to get married for years, but we now have a clear precedent of "Auntie Rachel did this and ya'll didn't have a fit, so simmer down here".

- Can't remember if I mentioned, but partner does have a (female) sibling. Who had the perfect BWW a few years ago. So they did get *a* BWW to participate in.

I'll go into what we've decided to do in the next post, as this one is getting longish.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Hmmmmm

  • Member
  • Posts: 8879
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2016, 10:59:54 AM »
ok, some clarifications:

- This is all really confusing to us too. We've both been staunchly anti-marriage for ourselves for quite a while. For me, most of my 30s. For partner, his whole life. He's somewhat confused that his parents don't remember all the talks that they'd had in the past about that (when he was much younger, and asking them about marriage, and forming his feelings on it) and he wonders if (since he was so young when those talks happened) they think he grew out of those feelings. Which is definitely something to address.

snip


From a stranger on the internet, your plans for the legal union does make it appear to me that he has outgrown some of those feelings. You and he are arranging for friends to be present at the union and hosting an after ceremony lunch with them. That sounds like you are celebrating the union. And most people normally celebrate something they are excited about, not something they are doing because they have to or the "law requires it". I don't celebrate when I go renew my passport or when we ordered my kid's social security cards. I also didn't announce it before hand to anyone. They were just legal things I needed to do in order to be able to do other things (like travel internationally or get them on our insurance plans).

I know you've said that you're bringing your friends because you need 2 witnesses. Maybe it's different in your area but here, the court can usually provide a witness if you do not invite guests. And your being very specific about who you want to be your witnesses.

So do you see why they may feel that his ideas have changed?



Celany

  • Member
  • Posts: 1661
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2016, 11:01:48 AM »
So I read the email that Partner's parent sent to him, as well as his response. Partner was clearly upset and hurt when he sent his email. He wasn't mean or histrionic, but he basically said something like "after being p0ly for years, and knowing the reasons I'm p0ly and my feelings on marriage, I feel hurt about some of your reactions. I also feel hurt that you would try to demand that Celany and I put on a large, expensive celebration, especially after you heard both of us say that we specifically wouldn't do that. I get that we need to tell the whole family, but if everybody is going to have the reaction of 'well this is what you MUST do to celebrate and "make it official"', then surely you can see why I DON'T really want to tell people or turn this into a big thing, when it's not a big thing to us, not in the way it is to you.

They already wrote back and apologized for coming on too strong, and asked again for information to clarify how we feel. And also said "and even if you just have links to websites where someone has written things you agree with, we'd love to be able to read those". I appreciated that, in that it sounds more like they really just want to try to understand, and not debate.

They also pointed out that as the oldest male grandchild (the next one is something like...4 years old), chances are good that there are going to be a lot of strong feelings, especially from his surviving grandfather. And they ended it with something like "pretty much everybody is going to question you on this, so hopefully us bringing it up first will help you decide how you want to handle that, and what depth of answer you want to give people", which also sounds more like they want to try to understand now, versus convince us that we're wrong.

So last night, we decided that we're going to tell my parents, either a day or two before we get married, or just after. And we'll deal with that fallout if if happens. We also decide that we're fine with the idea of having a weekend where we have my parents come visit, and his parents come visit, and we can all have a celebratory dinner (and his sister and her husband too, if they want). If his family (or mine, I guess) wanted to host some kind of celebration for us that is something like a dinner or casual party, we would be OK with that, but we really have zero interest in planning any kind of large celebration for ourselves.



One thing that a couple of posters mentioned, which is part of what I think partner and I need to make clear to people is that this does NOT mean to us what it means to them. And that part of this disconnect here is that partner's parents are taking this civil ceremony as a sign that we've become more committed and are entering into a specific kind of relationship status/dynamic that we are NOT entering into. We already fully committed to each other. Like I said earlier, if we got a divorce later, because one of us had a partner who got really sick and had crap insurance, so we divorced so one of us could marry that partner, that would NOT be a weakening of our relationship. That's us making the best of a bad situation.

We're getting married so my partner has better health insurance. So he's not paying thousands of dollars a year to get a fraction of the care that I have. So he can actually go to a dentist and an eye doctor every year, and pay $30 a session for a therapist instead of $100 (or more). So that if he has a bad allergic reaction to something in his eyes (like happened the other week) he can go to an eye doctor right away without worrying that it will cost hundreds (if not more than a thousand) to make sure that the problem really *is* just allergies and not a serious eye problem.

So to partner's parents point, I think it will be important to explain to people (like my parents) that yes, we're getting married. For health insurance. We already made our commitment to each other something like two years ago. We're still still going to celebrate our first date as our anniversary and not our wedding date. This isn't a big deal to us, and while we do appreciate good wishes, we're not doing a big celebration and we don't want any crap about that, because it's our choice to make and that's it.

This is really exhausting. I know I'm feeling even punchier about it than before, because with my aunt dying, I'm feeling really tapped out emotionally. Our plans were put into place just before she got really sick, so it's an unfortunately confluence of events, but I wonder if it's worth pointing out to people that my aunt *did* just die, so my emotional reserves and patience are low.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Celany

  • Member
  • Posts: 1661
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2016, 11:07:37 AM »
ok, some clarifications:

- This is all really confusing to us too. We've both been staunchly anti-marriage for ourselves for quite a while. For me, most of my 30s. For partner, his whole life. He's somewhat confused that his parents don't remember all the talks that they'd had in the past about that (when he was much younger, and asking them about marriage, and forming his feelings on it) and he wonders if (since he was so young when those talks happened) they think he grew out of those feelings. Which is definitely something to address.

snip


From a stranger on the internet, your plans for the legal union does make it appear to me that he has outgrown some of those feelings. You and he are arranging for friends to be present at the union and hosting an after ceremony lunch with them. That sounds like you are celebrating the union. And most people normally celebrate something they are excited about, not something they are doing because they have to or the "law requires it". I don't celebrate when I go renew my passport or when we ordered my kid's social security cards. I also didn't announce it before hand to anyone. They were just legal things I needed to do in order to be able to do other things (like travel internationally or get them on our insurance plans).

I know you've said that you're bringing your friends because you need 2 witnesses. Maybe it's different in your area but here, the court can usually provide a witness if you do not invite guests. And your being very specific about who you want to be your witnesses.

So do you see why they may feel that his ideas have changed?

Our after ceremony lunch is going to be beer and all you can eat crab legs. For 4 people. Not really what I'd call a major celebration (and yes, we specifically mentioned that to his parents, who said something like "but what about wine and lobster?" to which we said "we like beer. and crab legs.").

And given that he has told them (both when he told them the news, and in email twice now) that his feelings *have not changed*, no, I don't see it. I can see why they'd want clarification, sure. Or just more information in general. But given that he way he started was "This isn't the big deal for us that it is for you, but Celany and I are getting married, and we thought you should know" and we both said that we just want to do it and get it over with, but don't particularly want to celebrate it, I feel like that's pretty clear.

I have no idea if my state would provide random people, though I suspect not (partner looked into the legal part, not me, and he would have mentioned that, I think). So our thinking was "if we HAVE to have *A* witness, for egalitarian purposes, let's have 2. And if we HAVE to have them, they might as well be people that we love, because that would be less weird than asking a random friend 'hey, want to be my witness?'".
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Zizi-K

  • Member
  • Posts: 2090
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2016, 11:10:46 AM »
So I read the email that Partner's parent sent to him, as well as his response. Partner was clearly upset and hurt when he sent his email. He wasn't mean or histrionic, but he basically said something like "after being p0ly for years, and knowing the reasons I'm p0ly and my feelings on marriage, I feel hurt about some of your reactions. I also feel hurt that you would try to demand that Celany and I put on a large, expensive celebration, especially after you heard both of us say that we specifically wouldn't do that. I get that we need to tell the whole family, but if everybody is going to have the reaction of 'well this is what you MUST do to celebrate and "make it official"', then surely you can see why I DON'T really want to tell people or turn this into a big thing, when it's not a big thing to us, not in the way it is to you.

They already wrote back and apologized for coming on too strong, and asked again for information to clarify how we feel. And also said "and even if you just have links to websites where someone has written things you agree with, we'd love to be able to read those". I appreciated that, in that it sounds more like they really just want to try to understand, and not debate.

They also pointed out that as the oldest male grandchild (the next one is something like...4 years old), chances are good that there are going to be a lot of strong feelings, especially from his surviving grandfather. And they ended it with something like "pretty much everybody is going to question you on this, so hopefully us bringing it up first will help you decide how you want to handle that, and what depth of answer you want to give people", which also sounds more like they want to try to understand now, versus convince us that we're wrong.

So last night, we decided that we're going to tell my parents, either a day or two before we get married, or just after. And we'll deal with that fallout if if happens. We also decide that we're fine with the idea of having a weekend where we have my parents come visit, and his parents come visit, and we can all have a celebratory dinner (and his sister and her husband too, if they want). If his family (or mine, I guess) wanted to host some kind of celebration for us that is something like a dinner or casual party, we would be OK with that, but we really have zero interest in planning any kind of large celebration for ourselves.



One thing that a couple of posters mentioned, which is part of what I think partner and I need to make clear to people is that this does NOT mean to us what it means to them. And that part of this disconnect here is that partner's parents are taking this civil ceremony as a sign that we've become more committed and are entering into a specific kind of relationship status/dynamic that we are NOT entering into. We already fully committed to each other. Like I said earlier, if we got a divorce later, because one of us had a partner who got really sick and had crap insurance, so we divorced so one of us could marry that partner, that would NOT be a weakening of our relationship. That's us making the best of a bad situation.

We're getting married so my partner has better health insurance. So he's not paying thousands of dollars a year to get a fraction of the care that I have. So he can actually go to a dentist and an eye doctor every year, and pay $30 a session for a therapist instead of $100 (or more). So that if he has a bad allergic reaction to something in his eyes (like happened the other week) he can go to an eye doctor right away without worrying that it will cost hundreds (if not more than a thousand) to make sure that the problem really *is* just allergies and not a serious eye problem.

So to partner's parents point, I think it will be important to explain to people (like my parents) that yes, we're getting married. For health insurance. We already made our commitment to each other something like two years ago. We're still still going to celebrate our first date as our anniversary and not our wedding date. This isn't a big deal to us, and while we do appreciate good wishes, we're not doing a big celebration and we don't want any crap about that, because it's our choice to make and that's it.

This is really exhausting. I know I'm feeling even punchier about it than before, because with my aunt dying, I'm feeling really tapped out emotionally. Our plans were put into place just before she got really sick, so it's an unfortunately confluence of events, but I wonder if it's worth pointing out to people that my aunt *did* just die, so my emotional reserves and patience are low.

I've been reading your posts and updates, and I think you are handling it all really well and very thoughtfully.

I did just want to comment on the bolded. I actually don't think you have to do that. People get married for all sorts of reasons. The idea of a love marriage that binds you to the other person for a lifetime is a relatively new concept. People got married to legitimize children, to unify families politically, to cement economic relationships, as a result of arrangement, to celebrate a religious sacrament, etc. In the long history of the institution, marriage has often meant vastly different things to different people. Today, lots of people are getting married to access the benefits that the legal structure confers. It's a screwy system that requires you to be legally partnered in order to have access to decent health care. But all you can do is make the best choices for yourselves given the systems you find yourself in.

I think that, if people ask, you can certainly disabuse them of their misunderstandings. But I don't know that you need to be proactive. That could come across as defensive and possibly insecure in your positions, which you are not. Just live your life. Who cares what people think or assume?

Celany

  • Member
  • Posts: 1661
  • the soul of a cat, in the body of a person...
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #26 on: July 14, 2016, 11:18:21 AM »
I totally agree with that Zizi-K!

In forming my feelings about marriage (in my early 30s), I read a number of sources on this history of marriage, and when the subject comes up randomly (but especially in the recent context of gay marriage) I'm the first person to give people a rundown on the meaning of marriage through history, and how love being a part of marriage is a very recent invention. In the past, in some cultures, it was considered to be "in poor taste" to love/fall in love with your spouse, because love was too volatile a feeling to mix with the dynasty/political/economic/family alliances that were the actual point of marriage happening!

I like the idea of not being proactive though, in not starting by explaining, but seeing how people react, and then having a couple of succinct comments ready to handle a reaction that is something other than "that's nice" or "congrats" or "oh, ok, <bean dip>" if they ask when the BWW is, and we say we're not doing one because we don't want to.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Alicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 774
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2016, 11:47:50 AM »
It seems to me that you feel differently aboutarriage then many others. You do not need to convince or change the minds of others. The only people who need to be on the same page is your partner or partners.  You are not likely to change your parent's or in laws opinions. So go be you do what makes you and your partner happy as long as it is legal. 
Live your life.
Trying to change others opinion on marriage says that their marriage is not important as well and that is not likely to go over well. Understand that public and family will view marriage as more then going to the dmv. You are not going to change minds so don't. Live your life and don't worry about others opinions differing. Also by celbrating at all you are doing conflicting info. If truly it is no different than the dmv for you just go do it. Forget the celbratory meal just go. But clearly you do think it is important and worth celebrating at least a little.

Tea Drinker

  • Member
  • Posts: 2153
  • Now part of Team Land Crab
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #28 on: July 14, 2016, 11:48:20 AM »
You keep mentioning polyamourous Yet you are surprised that his family thinks you are more family by planning to marry your partner. Polyamourous people i know are 3 or 4 people in a pretty much equilateral triangle or square relationship with all 3 or 4 or more people being about equal in the relationship.  Getting married shows legally and socially that you two are the importance lifelong relationship and the non married partner or partners is the lesser relationship.  So how does your non engaged polyamour partner or partners feel about being relegated to lesser status legally and socially? If what you really mean is open relationship then disregard all of this. 
If his parents were willing to pay health insurance until fall would you be ok with delay of marriage till fall?

That is one way that people do p0ly. I have friends who are in that sort of three-person marriage. They say things like "I have a loving wife and a loving husband," and it's not relevant to that where the paper marriage is. (There is one, and like what Celany is planning, it's mostly for health insurance reasons.)

But that's not the only way to do it: I refer to what I'm doing as p0lyamory in part because I have three serious, long-term relationships. Yes, I live with and am married to one partner, and we have shared finances. The other two relationships are also serious commitments; in fact, one reason my husband and I are living where we are is to be near my girlfriend. We're still defining the things p0lyamory means; the word is newer than any of the things it describes.

(There are also lots of ways people do monogamous marriage, but it's easy to overlook that because the same words are used in almost every case.)
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

lmyrs

  • Member
  • Posts: 1764
Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #29 on: July 14, 2016, 12:17:55 PM »
It seems to me that you feel differently aboutarriage then many others. You do not need to convince or change the minds of others. The only people who need to be on the same page is your partner or partners.  You are not likely to change your parent's or in laws opinions. So go be you do what makes you and your partner happy as long as it is legal. 
Live your life.
Trying to change others opinion on marriage says that their marriage is not important as well and that is not likely to go over well. Understand that public and family will view marriage as more then going to the dmv. You are not going to change minds so don't. Live your life and don't worry about others opinions differing. Also by celbrating at all you are doing conflicting info. If truly it is no different than the dmv for you just go do it. Forget the celbratory meal just go. But clearly you do think it is important and worth celebrating at least a little.

Celany has two friends that are doing the favour of coming into town to witness a legal document/ceremony that requires witnessing. Celany is taking them for lunch in return to thank them for the effort. It's hardly a wedding reception and I see a few people claiming that the act of taking your friends out for dinner after doing you a favour is somehow bringing extra meaning to the thing. It's not.

I have a friend who is a notary who has notarized documents for me in the past. If we are meeting somewhere to do that, I will take her for lunch or a coffee to thank her. It doesn't mean that getting my passport renewed is suddenly a life event. She did me a favour. I thanked her. If she came in from out of town to do it, I'd thank her a lot.