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Author Topic: Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84  (Read 19039 times)

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shortstuff

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #30 on: July 14, 2016, 01:15:55 PM »
It seems to me that you feel differently aboutarriage then many others. You do not need to convince or change the minds of others. The only people who need to be on the same page is your partner or partners.  You are not likely to change your parent's or in laws opinions. So go be you do what makes you and your partner happy as long as it is legal. 
Live your life.
Trying to change others opinion on marriage says that their marriage is not important as well and that is not likely to go over well. Understand that public and family will view marriage as more then going to the dmv. You are not going to change minds so don't. Live your life and don't worry about others opinions differing. Also by celbrating at all you are doing conflicting info. If truly it is no different than the dmv for you just go do it. Forget the celbratory meal just go. But clearly you do think it is important and worth celebrating at least a little.

Celany has two friends that are doing the favour of coming into town to witness a legal document/ceremony that requires witnessing. Celany is taking them for lunch in return to thank them for the effort. It's hardly a wedding reception and I see a few people claiming that the act of taking your friends out for dinner after doing you a favour is somehow bringing extra meaning to the thing. It's not.

I have a friend who is a notary who has notarized documents for me in the past. If we are meeting somewhere to do that, I will take her for lunch or a coffee to thank her. It doesn't mean that getting my passport renewed is suddenly a life event. She did me a favour. I thanked her. If she came in from out of town to do it, I'd thank her a lot.

Yes, but the problem is how the in-laws view and define marriage, and for them, hearing about how Celany and partner are getting married, and then having dinner and drinks with their 2 closest friends, it sounds like a celebration.  It sounds like partner's parents are trying really, really hard to understand and read up on things.  But it's possible their initial reaction was hurt, because they hear about something that to them, is a life event.  Then they hear about dinner which, when it takes place immediately after the "life event," to them, sounds like a celebration.  A celebration that they won't get to take place in. 

It sounds so confusing to me, so I applaud all parties involved for trying to see the other point of view.  Plus it sounds like there are very strong feelings on each side, and a lot of emotions. 

One thing to add: Celany, partner's mom got to have *a* Big White Wedding, but that was not his wedding.  Partner's mom probably doesn't see that as being equivalent.  It might even be worse for you, because mom got to have pictures, dress up, and tell her friends about a wedding... and now she realizes she won't have that this time.  So the initial "weddings are for family" might have been her reaction when she realized this.  Thankfully it sounds like she is accepting your boundary. 

Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #31 on: July 14, 2016, 01:20:21 PM »
Celany has two friends that are doing the favour of coming into town to witness a legal document/ceremony that requires witnessing. Celany is taking them for lunch in return to thank them for the effort. It's hardly a wedding reception and I see a few people claiming that the act of taking your friends out for dinner after doing you a favour is somehow bringing extra meaning to the thing. It's not.

I have a friend who is a notary who has notarized documents for me in the past. If we are meeting somewhere to do that, I will take her for lunch or a coffee to thank her. It doesn't mean that getting my passport renewed is suddenly a life event. She did me a favour. I thanked her. If she came in from out of town to do it, I'd thank her a lot.

That more of reflects how we feel. They're doing us a favor by coming. We're in NYC, and my GF did this exact same thing with her husband and told us to expect it to take awhile. So she's giving up a work day to do it. The friend flying in is giving up a few days to do it (didn't occur to me to mention before, but the friend flying in comes and visits NYC once or twice a year to see my partner and other friends, and was due for a visit. She's going to be visiting with other people after our ceremony/the next day or so). Afterwards, we're all going to be hungry, and we're going to eat (and partner and I are going to pay, out of thanks). But there's not going to be any speeches at this meal, and we're not even going to be able to get a reservation because we have no idea how long things will take.

I wonder if it's worth mentioning to his parents in particular stuff like "We're going to eat because we're hungry and we all like each other and would like to hang out a bit afterward. There will be no speeches, or special decor, or fancy decorations." because reading some of the responses, and the idea that saying something like "we're going out to eat afterwards" evokes a kind of "well, obviously you're doing a celebration thing if you're going out to eat" thought in people isn't something that I'd considered before. But now I wonder if by virtue of saying "we're getting married on X day" EVERYTHING we do on this day has taken on a cast of "we are doing this in celebration of getting married" versus "we're kind of going to have a normal day, except for the getting married part.".

I mean, we're going to get up, get showered, put on clothing that is nice, but not "traditional wedding-esque" (I'm going to wear the Burning Man dress that I'm making for this year because it I like it, and this can also be a test run for Burning Man. I assume partner will wear a button down shirt & pants, but I really have no idea), get married, go out to lunch (crabs & beer!). Then...GF will go home, I imagine. Partner's friend...I dunno. Maybe they'll go out? Maybe the three of us will? I'll probably want partner to have some time alone with his friend (if he wants), so maybe I'll go to Barnes & Noble to read for a few hours before heading home to keep watching the new episodes of Criminal Minds that are on Netflix.

So most of this is pretty...boring and normal.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #32 on: July 14, 2016, 01:28:16 PM »
Celany, partner's mom got to have *a* Big White Wedding, but that was not his wedding.  Partner's mom probably doesn't see that as being equivalent.  It might even be worse for you, because mom got to have pictures, dress up, and tell her friends about a wedding... and now she realizes she won't have that this time.  So the initial "weddings are for family" might have been her reaction when she realized this.  Thankfully it sounds like she is accepting your boundary.

That is probably true, and an interesting point.

Partner and I have continued to text about it off and on today, in part because he's still really confused about his parents' reaction, and is trying to remember when the last time was that he talked to them about marriage, just because...he's still very confused.

He's talked to his grandfather within the last few years about it, because his grandpa did a "now that you're 30, it's time to seriously think about marriage and babies" talk, which partner politely told him was none of his business, and he reiterated his feelings on weddings and monogamy (and babies, which is "no, probably not", much like me).

But he really doesn't remember when the last time was that he and his parents talked, and since they're pretty hands-off in general, this whole thing has really thrown him. But as an adult, they've never asked him if he was considering marrying anybody that he was dating, even though most of the people he's dating have been longer (3+ years) relationships. With his sister, they *did* ask her a few times (not rudely, more curiously), and so he's assumed all these years that they really got him being p0ly and not having any interest in marriage.

I don't know. It feels really weird to him. I mainly care about whether or not they continue to just accept what we're doing and even if they don't like it, understand that it's not their choice.

He and I are debating doing a FaceTime with them to talk. When he and I talked about the possibility of planning an actual wedding for people, we both got REALLY stressed and upset and unhappy about it (we were doing a "consider all the options" kind of exercise). He's debating if seeing us both look really unhappy about it will help make it clear that it's really, absolutely not what we want, in any way, shape, or form.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Hmmmmm

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #33 on: July 14, 2016, 01:49:36 PM »
ok, some clarifications:

- This is all really confusing to us too. We've both been staunchly anti-marriage for ourselves for quite a while. For me, most of my 30s. For partner, his whole life. He's somewhat confused that his parents don't remember all the talks that they'd had in the past about that (when he was much younger, and asking them about marriage, and forming his feelings on it) and he wonders if (since he was so young when those talks happened) they think he grew out of those feelings. Which is definitely something to address.

snip


From a stranger on the internet, your plans for the legal union does make it appear to me that he has outgrown some of those feelings. You and he are arranging for friends to be present at the union and hosting an after ceremony lunch with them. That sounds like you are celebrating the union. And most people normally celebrate something they are excited about, not something they are doing because they have to or the "law requires it". I don't celebrate when I go renew my passport or when we ordered my kid's social security cards. I also didn't announce it before hand to anyone. They were just legal things I needed to do in order to be able to do other things (like travel internationally or get them on our insurance plans).

I know you've said that you're bringing your friends because you need 2 witnesses. Maybe it's different in your area but here, the court can usually provide a witness if you do not invite guests. And your being very specific about who you want to be your witnesses.

So do you see why they may feel that his ideas have changed?

Our after ceremony lunch is going to be beer and all you can eat crab legs. For 4 people. Not really what I'd call a major celebration (and yes, we specifically mentioned that to his parents, who said something like "but what about wine and lobster?" to which we said "we like beer. and crab legs.").

And given that he has told them (both when he told them the news, and in email twice now) that his feelings *have not changed*, no, I don't see it. I can see why they'd want clarification, sure. Or just more information in general. But given that he way he started was "This isn't the big deal for us that it is for you, but Celany and I are getting married, and we thought you should know" and we both said that we just want to do it and get it over with, but don't particularly want to celebrate it, I feel like that's pretty clear.

I have no idea if my state would provide random people, though I suspect not (partner looked into the legal part, not me, and he would have mentioned that, I think). So our thinking was "if we HAVE to have *A* witness, for egalitarian purposes, let's have 2. And if we HAVE to have them, they might as well be people that we love, because that would be less weird than asking a random friend 'hey, want to be my witness?'".

First, I want to say I re-read my post and I'm not sure why I used the term "outgrown" his feelings. I think I had your phrase of "grown out of" because I do not believe any changes in feelings towards marriage has to do with maturity level. Second, I'm not wanting to argue or create more strife for an already stressful time. I'm happy to disengage if you prefer. I'm just hoping my comments can assist you and your partner have more patience with the comments coming from his parents and why they may feel at a loss on appropriate way to react.

I don't think it matters that the lunch is crab and beer (which sounds wonderful to me) for 4. It is still an event that seems to indicate you are acknowledging this ceremony as something other than a legal change. I had a friend who left work around 10am for "an appointment", got married, had a nice long lunch at a beautiful location with just her new spouse and then they both returned to work. In my opinion, this was was no less a celebration of their marriage than a BWW for 400. It was their "celebration" to mark their marriage. I had other friends who were life long partners who needed to marry because of the same reason you are. We had no idea they legalized their union for about 6 years. They told no one because it really was of no interest to anyone other than their HR departments and the IRS.

The other comment made that made me wonder was why did your partner feel his parents should know. Why did he feel they should know? You've clearly stated it makes no change to your lives other than for insurance. So if you came to me and said "I think you should know that I'm doing X" then I would assume you were telling me this because you expected this knowledge to have some type of impact.

As you've said, it's been a long time since any conversation on the subject occurred. Their navigating new water too.

Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #34 on: July 14, 2016, 02:10:43 PM »
I think you're bringing up really good points that help me at least intellectually understand where other people are coming from, even if I don't understand emotionally, Hmmmmm.

I think a lot of it comes down to the feelings we attach to stuff and events. To me, a celebration isn't a celebration unless we're toasting or making a special effort, or something. Like, if we brought a bottle of champagne to lunch, or were going to give speeches, or were going to do gifts, that would be a celebration. But we're not doing any of those things, so in my mind, that is not a celebration.

I can understand the concept that other people feel differently. Though that makes me wonder - would there be any way for the 4 of us to eat afterward *without* it feeling like a celebration? To you?

I'm asking because I'm curious. Not judging.

My partner wanted to tell his parents for two reasons - the first one being that people generally do, and he gives them a heads up on all kinds of things, big and small. Like travel. He usually mentions to them if he's traveling, just so they know. If something comes up. For him, it's kind of like a basic heads up.

The other reason he wanted to tell them is if something happened to him. He thinks it would be good for them to know that I'm his wife NOW, and will made medical decisions for him *before* something happens, instead of it being a concurrent shock along with someone bad happening to him.

I agree with both of these things, and were my family situation more normal, I wouldn't be questioning telling my parents at all. For the exact same reasons. Unfortunately, my mom makes that hard.

If my parents were dead (for the sake of further understanding), chances are good that I wouldn't tell my remaining aunts/cousins that I got married. Because we're not close, live nowhere near each other, and if something happened to me, they'd find out long after it actually happened. As my parents are alive, there seems to be some kind of "tell the parents, tell everybody" thing going on, which I kind of understand. I mean, honestly, my first reaction to something about this (much like my first reaction to someone telling me they're pregnant) is to be like "ok, and how do you feel about that?" and then adjust my reaction accordingly. My reaction to someone who was having a baby and was super-excited, wanted to talk all about that would be vastly different than my reaction to someone who was like "I'm having a baby, but it's not for 6 months, it's not a huge deal to me right now, and I'll let you know when/if I feel like talking about it".

With us getting married, I worry that telling people that we're getting married then will entail processing all their feelings about it, and how it should happen, and who should be there, and a bunch of other stuff that is really nobody's business, but me and partner.

Which may or may not be the case. His best friend and my girlfriend both had the reaction of "congrats" then "do you want to talk about it? how do you feel?" His friend specifically asked what changed in his feelings about marriage that he decided to get married, out of curiosity. My GF asked too, but when I said "It was like you and your partner", her response was pretty much "Got it. Well, I'm happy to be your witness, and don't let anybody convince you that you need to do more than you're doing now".

Maybe we both naively assumed that his parents (and other people) would have similar reactions.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

ladyknight1

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #35 on: July 14, 2016, 02:17:17 PM »
As someone who isn't in the same situation, I intellectually understand your reasons for getting legally married.

If you and partner used language like "legally married" it may be easier for family members to understand that this is not a BWW/momentous occasion, since you have been committed to each other and are in a long term relationship and that part is not changing.

I do think it is unlikely either set of family members will see additional people in your romantic relationships as equal to you and your legally married spouse as far as committed relationships go. I don't know how much that matters to you.

ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #36 on: July 14, 2016, 02:22:32 PM »
I do think it is unlikely either set of family members will see additional people in your romantic rel@tionships as equal to you and your legally married spouse as far as committed rel@tionships go. I don't know how much that matters to you.

Sigh. A lot.

That's on our "We'll deal with it if/when it happens" list.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

magicdomino

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #37 on: July 14, 2016, 02:25:26 PM »
"This isn't a wedding-type wedding.  It's a legal matter, like merging two businesses."

LadyL

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #38 on: July 14, 2016, 02:39:26 PM »
Celany, I feel like some of the discussion here is being interpreted as, if you act at all celebratory or joyful after your wedding, you are excluding your in-laws from that joy and celebration. However, as someone who has had four sets of family or close friends elope in the last few years, my happiness for them was not mitigated because I wasn't there physically. My MOH actually eloped with her partner and while I had a brief moment of being bummed that I didn't get to celebrate with her at her wedding, that was maybe 5% of my feelings and the other 95% was YAY GOOD FOR YOU GUYS! Same with my stepbrother who eloped last month - he and his wife befriended their two witnesses that day and the spontaneity and joy they felt was so obvious in their photos.

 Even if the post-ceremony dinner is simply to mark "yay better health benefits" I think you are entitled to mark this life transition however you want.

shortstuff

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #39 on: July 14, 2016, 02:41:03 PM »
I think you're bringing up really good points that help me at least intellectually understand where other people are coming from, even if I don't understand emotionally, Hmmmmm.

...


If my parents were dead (for the sake of further understanding), chances are good that I wouldn't tell my remaining aunts/cousins that I got married. Because we're not close, live nowhere near each other, and if something happened to me, they'd find out long after it actually happened. As my parents are alive, there seems to be some kind of "tell the parents, tell everybody" thing going on, which I kind of understand. I mean, honestly, my first reaction to something about this (much like my first reaction to someone telling me they're pregnant) is to be like "ok, and how do you feel about that?" and then adjust my reaction accordingly. My reaction to someone who was having a baby and was super-excited, wanted to talk all about that would be vastly different than my reaction to someone who was like "I'm having a baby, but it's not for 6 months, it's not a huge deal to me right now, and I'll let you know when/if I feel like talking about it".

This might be some of the disconnect, and it doesn't even have to deal with opinions on the institution of marriage.  In my personal experience, I've never had anybody share news with me that they didn't want to discuss.  So your hypothetical baby example is not one that I, personally, would even conceive of happening (pun not intended).  To me, the fact that someone is sharing news means by default they want to have some discussion about it, and now that it's "out in the open" the news can now start spreading. 

So, I can totally see the catch 22 here.  You want to respect partner's parents by keeping them in the loop, but by virtue of saying something, you've essentially put the topic on the table, and now they're allowed to reference it. 

I am in general an emotional person, and my emotions guide me in interactions, and I view interactions through that lens.  So it seems like there's another spectrum here... just like we have "askers vs hinters," introverts vs extroverts.  Celany, you don't sound like this is an emotional event for you, am I right?  Nothing wrong with that, but it seems to make sense to me with how you mentioned you were seeing all this 'intellectually.'

Hmmmmm

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #40 on: July 14, 2016, 02:50:38 PM »
I think you're bringing up really good points that help me at least intellectually understand where other people are coming from, even if I don't understand emotionally, Hmmmmm.

I think a lot of it comes down to the feelings we attach to stuff and events. To me, a celebration isn't a celebration unless we're toasting or making a special effort, or something. Like, if we brought a bottle of champagne to lunch, or were going to give speeches, or were going to do gifts, that would be a celebration. But we're not doing any of those things, so in my mind, that is not a celebration.

I can understand the concept that other people feel differently. Though that makes me wonder - would there be any way for the 4 of us to eat afterward *without* it feeling like a celebration? To you?

Yes. If you'd said to your friends "We'd like to take you guys out to lunch to thank you for taking your time to do this." That would seem less like and event to mark the legal ceremony. That you pre-planned the lunch and even communicated to his parents what your plans were indicates to me that the lunch is to mark the ceremony versus thanking your friends for a favor or just a convenient way for everyone to eat.

I don't think a celebration needs to be a big thing to be a celebration. It could be semantics but any time I mark a positive event in any, I see it as celebrating it. An ice cream cone after the kids came home with good report cards was a celebration. Inviting a friend over for a glass of wine after we finished sending out 200 thank you notes was a celebration.

I'm asking because I'm curious. Not judging.

My partner wanted to tell his parents for two reasons - the first one being that people generally do, and he gives them a heads up on all kinds of things, big and small. Like travel. He usually mentions to them if he's traveling, just so they know. If something comes up. For him, it's kind of like a basic heads up.

The other reason he wanted to tell them is if something happened to him. He thinks it would be good for them to know that I'm his wife NOW, and will made medical decisions for him *before* something happens, instead of it being a concurrent shock along with someone bad happening to him.

My perception is that by telling them prior to the event seems to imply to me that the event is a bigger deal, not just the impact of the event. He could have as easily waited till after the event and said "BTW, Celenay and I legalized our union. She is now officially my next of kin." Maybe it's because I've not had living parents as an adult, but I don't see that I would have called them up to say "I thought you should know that I'm meeting with a lawyer next week to change my will. My partner will now have my power of attorney." Telling them prior it would seem to invite discussion or comment or seem to imply they needed to know prior to the outcome.

I agree with both of these things, and were my family situation more normal, I wouldn't be questioning telling my parents at all. For the exact same reasons. Unfortunately, my mom makes that hard.

If my parents were dead (for the sake of further understanding), chances are good that I wouldn't tell my remaining aunts/cousins that I got married. Because we're not close, live nowhere near each other, and if something happened to me, they'd find out long after it actually happened. As my parents are alive, there seems to be some kind of "tell the parents, tell everybody" thing going on, which I kind of understand. I mean, honestly, my first reaction to something about this (much like my first reaction to someone telling me they're pregnant) is to be like "ok, and how do you feel about that?" and then adjust my reaction accordingly. My reaction to someone who was having a baby and was super-excited, wanted to talk all about that would be vastly different than my reaction to someone who was like "I'm having a baby, but it's not for 6 months, it's not a huge deal to me right now, and I'll let you know when/if I feel like talking about it".

And you wouldn't be wondering why they were telling now if they didn't want to talk about it (well, other than trying to explain physical appearance change). And having a baby will change someone's life. You've indicated that other than insurance there is no change in your lives so I'm not really relating the two.

With us getting married, I worry that telling people that we're getting married then will entail processing all their feelings about it, and how it should happen, and who should be there, and a bunch of other stuff that is really nobody's business, but me and partner.

Which may or may not be the case. His best friend and my girlfriend both had the reaction of "congrats" then "do you want to talk about it? how do you feel?" His friend specifically asked what changed in his feelings about marriage that he decided to get married, out of curiosity. My GF asked too, but when I said "It was like you and your partner", her response was pretty much "Got it. Well, I'm happy to be your witness, and don't let anybody convince you that you need to do more than you're doing now".

I even find it interesting they congratulated you. What was the congratulations for... his being able to join your health insurance?  That's fine if it was. Just like if someone said 'we refinanced our house for 2% less interest rate" I'd say "Congratulations." But that's not usually why someone says Congrats upon hearing an impending marriage.

Maybe we both naively assumed that his parents (and other people) would have similar reactions.

Your GF is living a similar life so it is much easier for her to understand where you are coming from. I do think it is naive to believe that his parents would intuitively understand how your viewing the change in legal status. He's shared information with them. They are trying to process what they are to do with this information.


lmyrs

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #41 on: July 14, 2016, 03:10:02 PM »
I've had the following conversations with my mother:

Mom: "What are you doing this weekend?"
Me: "My friend Lilly is coming into town so we're going to go down to the park and then go out for lunch."

Lunch is not a celebration and telling my mom about it doesn't make it one.

Mom: "Did you get your document notarized?"
Me: "Not yet. I'm meeting Sally on Sunday for lunch and she's going to sign it."

Again, lunch isn't a celebration. It's a thanks for the favour.

I don't see how taking someone for lunch for doing you a favour (when one of them is an out of town friend that is staying with you for a regular visit) makes this some big important occasion. Should Celany and her partner shake hands with their friends on the courthouse steps and go their separate ways? They could, but it seems impolite to not say thank you to your friends for taking significant time out of their days/lives to help you out. And, since one of them is staying with them, when is a good time for them to eat? If they all go back to Celany's home and order pizza is that a celebration too? If Celany just makes sandwiches? Or do they have to avoid lunch all together if they don't want it deemed a big deal?

Hmmmmm

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #42 on: July 14, 2016, 04:42:32 PM »
I've had the following conversations with my mother:

Mom: "What are you doing this weekend?"
Me: "My friend Lilly is coming into town so we're going to go down to the park and then go out for lunch."

Lunch is not a celebration and telling my mom about it doesn't make it one.

Mom: "Did you get your document notarized?"
Me: "Not yet. I'm meeting Sally on Sunday for lunch and she's going to sign it."

Again, lunch isn't a celebration. It's a thanks for the favour.

I don't see how taking someone for lunch for doing you a favour (when one of them is an out of town friend that is staying with you for a regular visit) makes this some big important occasion. Should Celany and her partner shake hands with their friends on the courthouse steps and go their separate ways? They could, but it seems impolite to not say thank you to your friends for taking significant time out of their days/lives to help you out. And, since one of them is staying with them, when is a good time for them to eat? If they all go back to Celany's home and order pizza is that a celebration too? If Celany just makes sandwiches? Or do they have to avoid lunch all together if they don't want it deemed a big deal?

I agree that just because you take someone to lunch or tell someone prior it doesn't make it a celebration. But in your first instance if you'd said: "My friend Lilly finished up her thesis. She's coming into town and we are going to the park and then lunch."
I'd feel that there was a celebratory aspect of the weekend activities.

What I surmised from Celany's posts is the following was communicated to her partner's parents.
"I thought you should know, Celany and I are getting married at city hall. It'll be at the end of July when BFF is in town. He and Celany's GF will be our witnesses. We're planning to go have all you can eat crab and beer afterwards for lunch."

I would ascertain from that narrative that the ceremony was important or the OP's wouldn't be focused on having two of the most important people in their lives present as witnesses. It's not like they were trying to keep a secret and these were the only two people they felt they could trust to be the witnesses. By also indicating the 4 would go out for lunch to a predetermined location would lead me to think that the lunch was to be a celebration.

It's not like the parent's said "Hey what do ya'll have planned next weekend" and the info was shared. It was the SO who chose to make a point about sharing details about the ceremony and the after event lunch.

I did note that I'd view the lunch differently if it had been presented as a thank you for the favor. But I didn't see where Celany indicated that was the reasoning for the lunch.

Again, I have no idea what's in the parent's mindset. I'm just sharing how I would interpret the information presented. I definitely realize not everyone would also react in the same manner. But Celany seemed so shocked by the parent's seeming to jump to the marriage being a bigger deal. I was just trying to give her some insight to potential reason.

#borecore

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #43 on: July 14, 2016, 04:49:53 PM »
Does your partner currently have another committed partner?

If not, I could see that affecting how they view this union. They might have thought, "Oh, Celany's the only one we've heard about in a while. Maybe she's 'the one' he never thought he'd find?" I'm not saying that's the "right" reaction, but it is one I could see having if I weren't 100% up on the 'how Partner's romantic life works' end of things.

Switching gears, frankly, I don't know many people I know who would know intuitively how to handle this particular announcement as you've described it. I think the stumbles you've seen are quite minor compared to how they might have reacted (see, e.g., how your parents are anticipated to react). They're figuring it out as they go along (just as you two are working out/have worked out exactly how the mechanics of your marriage will operate).

They do genuinely seem to be trying to understand and accept. They might be doing a bit of projecting or mis-stepping along the way, though! I certainly hope it doesn't wind up hurting their son.

I hope your marriage is everything you want it to be going forward!

Cali.in.UK

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #44 on: July 14, 2016, 06:43:42 PM »
Hugs. I recently got married (two weeks ago) and there were definitely a lot of opinions about who should come/what DH and I should have done. I can't remember who said it but I did get some good advice along the way: "many people will have opinions about what you should do for your wedding but the only two opinions that matter are yours and your partners."

I also did not want a huge wedding so having a lot of people insist that things had to be a certain way was quite stressful for me. Even after the wedding we are still getting second-hand information from friends/family that some long-lost person was deeply hurt to not be invited. I've washed my hands of it now because its over, but just know that a lot of things that will feel like a big deal ahead of time will not matter after it is over.

Good luck!