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Author Topic: Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84  (Read 19163 times)

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Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #75 on: July 19, 2016, 02:39:07 PM »
I see what you're saying.

Honestly, if they got that nitpicky and/or started questioning things to that level, I think I'd start to revise my opinion of them being generally easy going, reasonable people.

I'm exhausted. Talking about what to make for dinner is exhausting to me right now (thank goodness for having enough disposable income for ordering in, or else I'd be eating a lot of microwavable noodles). Wading through my feelings on marriage, why it's not a big deal to me (personally), and why I don't want to have any kind of big party to celebrate it is too much to deal with. Just getting my work done, eking out enough Burning Man prep on a daily basis so I don't have a panic attack, working on my Aunt's stuff, and managing to keep myself fed is about all I can handle at this point.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Black Delphinium

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #76 on: July 19, 2016, 02:51:06 PM »
(((Celany)))

Coming back to your earlier question, if his parents do reach out to you, I think it'd be perfectly acceptable to say "I'm sorry, but due to other circumstances in my daily life, wedding discussions are off the table for me. Please understand that while I do respect you and your opinions/concerns, I am currently not in any shape for prolonged or repeated discussions on this topic."
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel. ~The Marquis De Carabas

greencat

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #77 on: July 19, 2016, 03:54:48 PM »
Maybe you and your partner need to have a rinse and repeat statement you can make to them?  "We're getting legally married next month so (Partner) can share (Celany's) insurance.  We are not having a party.  We are not waiting until October.  Please stop asking us about it."  Just have it sitting in your Sticky Notes on your Windows desktop or Memo on your phone or whatever the Mac version of Sticky Notes is and copy and paste it any and every time they ask about it.  Take the work out of it for you, and the negotiation out of it for them.

gellchom

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #78 on: July 20, 2016, 08:34:43 AM »
In her column in my paper this morning, Carolyn Hax, writing on another topic that also involved an adult child and parent issue, wrote something that reminded me of this discussion:

"Your job is to be yourself, not to explain yourself.  Get to that point and there's no fight left to have."

Tea Drinker

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #79 on: July 21, 2016, 11:10:17 AM »
I think this is a time to not answer phone calls or email from your partner's family, and if they do email, have your partner write back with an answer to any factual questions and something like "Celany is dealing with [stressful things] right now on top of her full-time job, and the stress is making her chronic health stuff worse, so she doesn't have the energy for anything social, even email with family. I guess you're stuck talking with me, the son you've only known since he was born." The phrasing there is deliberately light and might not fit your partner or his family; the key point is "I'm handling everything that doesn't specifically have to be Celany's job, including talking to family and making sure we have food in the house."
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

TootsNYC

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #80 on: July 30, 2016, 07:18:58 PM »
Quote
If his mom and/or dad contact me separately, would it be eHell approved to remind them that my aunt just died, and I'm doing a ton of stuff on that front, plus with my chronic health issues and full time job, I just don't have the brain to manage all of this and redirect them back to partner? Something like "I appreciate you reaching out to me, and perhaps some of this would be OK to discuss later, but we're in the midst of dividing recently deceased Aunt's possessions up, closing her accounts, and settling her estate, so between that, work, and my health, I don't have the energy to take on more. Partner is working things out though, and I know he wants to talk to you more about things, so you should definitely follow up with him"?

I would say, no, it's not OK to remind them of all these stresses.
But totally OK to just hand the phone to Partner. And say, "I'm going to stop you right there--Partner is handling all that stuff."

But don't list all the reasons they should have remembered that they shouldn't be bothering you with this.

It's Partner's arena; they talk to Partner.
You say, "I'm leaving all that to him."

And defintely this:
I think this is a time to not answer phone calls or email from your partner's family, and if they do email, have your partner write back with an answer to any factual questions. . .

But again, I'd leave out the bit about how stressed you are.

In her column in my paper this morning, Carolyn Hax, writing on another topic that also involved an adult child and parent issue, wrote something that reminded me of this discussion:

"Your job is to be yourself, not to explain yourself.  Get to that point and there's no fight left to have."

Or as TootsNYC says: "Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them."


lorelai

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #81 on: July 30, 2016, 08:36:33 PM »
Or as TootsNYC says: "Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them."

Are you quoting another person with your username? Or are you talking about yourself in the third person? The latter is making me giggle a little bit if it's true.  :) Just wanted to clarify!

TootsNYC

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #82 on: July 31, 2016, 12:24:42 PM »
Or as TootsNYC says: "Don't talk about your boundaries. Live them."

Are you quoting another person with your username? Or are you talking about yourself in the third person? The latter is making me giggle a little bit if it's true.  :) Just wanted to clarify!

I'm quoting myself in the third person. Somehow, late at night when I was typing that (I'm just back from Europe, so it was 6 hours later to me than to the clock), it seemed conceited to say, "As I always say." Today, after some sleep, quoting myself in third person seems completely silly.

Thanks for laughing at it, instead of some other reaction!

chigger

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" (longish)
« Reply #83 on: July 31, 2016, 03:57:05 PM »

Just get married, like you intended to, at the courthouse with your witnesses and let your family know afterwards. I believe you are really over thinking this.

ETA: this is a marraige of convenience,so why let people force you into something you don't want?
« Last Edit: July 31, 2016, 04:01:05 PM by chigger »

Celany

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #84 on: August 04, 2016, 12:52:14 PM »
Well, I told my mom & dad yesterday.

It went kinda well, in that she seemed to be crying happy tears mostly, and said that she wished I'd told them a few days sooner, so they could have come. I figured it would be more diplomatic to say nothing than to say "We specifically do not want you to come", so I mainly focused on how this was for health insurance with my partner, and we'd already made our emotional commitment to each other, and I reminded her that I'd told her over a year ago that we had decided to spend the rest of our lives together.

I called her a few hours later (on a pretense, mostly), and she still seemed fine. She did ask if we could FaceTime today, also with my Aunt (her younger sister). And she said that she (my mom) and my dad were p*ssed, but in a way that seemed mostly light hearted.

I just got done FaceTiming today, and I'm exhausted.

Today was the giant guilt trip. My dad said nothing, pretty much. Well, no, actually, we talked about the cats, and he seemed like his normal, emotionally-removed self.

My mom went on a royal tear, with my aunt somewhat backing her up. Crying, telling me that I'm a horrible daughter. Telling me what a life changing event this is, and how it "changes everything". I kept saying "no, it doesn't for us" "No, this isn't a big deal to us" and she kept insisting that we were WRONG that is is a Very Big Deal and that we are Very Very Wrong. And that we were essentially screwing my family over by not having a wedding.

Finally, in exasperation, I laid it out for her like this:

- I understand that this is a big deal TO YOU.
- I understand that you are hurt that you will not be there.
- I understand that this changes a lot FOR YOU*
- I understand that you completely disagree with how we're doing this.
- I am sorry that this is painful for you**. What we are doing is not because we want you to be sad or upset or unhappy.

BUT

- We are doing the right thing FOR US.
- This is what WE want to do.
- THIS CHANGES NOTHING FOR US
- While we respect that she has very different feelings than we do about this, her feelings do not trump, negate, or get valued as more important to us than our own feelings.

and I finished it with

- If partner or I fall in love with someone else, and it makes sense to divorce in order for one of us to marry this new person (probably because of health insurance reasons) we will do that.

The above was the best example that I could give to get her mind wrapped around the idea that this really wasn't a big, irrevocable deal to us.

She was pretty appalled by that last one (She shrieked "WHAT?!??!?!?!" in a glass-breaking voice), I think, but after I laid that out for her, she did finish up, just by saying that she wanted me to think really, really hard about what I was doing, and then talk to her about it in a few days.

I told her that I'm generally happy to talk to her in a few days, or whenever, but that there was no thinking that I was going to do that would change the way I felt about this.

And then I talked to my dad a bit more about the cats, and then we hung up.

In other news, I either gained weight, miscalucated, or both, so the dress I've been making for Burning Man this year definitely isn't going to work for going to City Hall, and probably not going to make it to Burning Man, so we're going dress shopping after work today. I could use a really nice new dress anyway (one that actually fits), so...yay?

Not really, I actually hate clothes shopping, but partner is going with me, and afterwards, we're going to The Slipper Room for the All Boy Review (a boy-lesque show), so that'll be fun.

I mostly feel sad and exhausted right now, but hopefully that will pass.

Anybody have any hugs on offer?


*I'm a bit worried that part of what this "changes" for her is that she's going to think now she can go on a crusade for me to have children. I'll worry about that nonsense if/when it starts.

** To me, this is a great example of when "I'm sorry you were hurt" can be a *very* appropriate (and non-PA, not avoiding responsibility) thing to say. I am sorry that my mom is hurt. I am not out to hurt her. But doing it "her way" would have been even more painful for us (not to mention not at all what we want), so while I am sorry she is hurt, I know that we're doing the right thing for us, and I'm not sorry that we're doing what we're doing.

« Last Edit: August 04, 2016, 12:54:50 PM by Celany »
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

ladyknight1

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #85 on: August 04, 2016, 01:18:21 PM »
First, I'm sorry your mom's emotions about the ceremony were dumped on you. You are pursuing the best option for you and your partner, and they may never understand, but they need to accept that.

Second, boo on the dress not fitting and I hope you find one that fits and will work.

ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

Another Sarah

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #86 on: August 04, 2016, 01:24:41 PM »
((((Celany))))
You are not responsible for other people's feelings. Chin up, you are doing nothing wrong. Also I find dress shopping much easier if I know there'll be cake at the end.  ;)

Chez Miriam

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #87 on: August 04, 2016, 01:52:27 PM »
((((Celany))))
You are not responsible for other people's feelings. Chin up, you are doing nothing wrong. Also I find dress shopping much easier if I know there'll be cake at the end.  ;)

{{{Hugs}}}

Another Sarah is right about the cake, but (maybe) forgot to add about allowing a bit of 'expansion room'?  ;)

Your mum is hurt; you did nothing to hurt her, so your "I'm sorry you were hurt" is all that need be said about that; I'm glad you managed to phrase it that way.  Hope the stresses are easing up for you (at least a bit)...
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

Mustard

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #88 on: August 04, 2016, 02:23:49 PM »
Your mom may be hurt, but you've done nothing wrong.  You have been very honest about the situation which may be difficult for her, but she will either get over it - or not.  You haven't told her any untruths just to placate her; I applaud you for that

greencat

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Re: "The wedding is for the family, not the couple" UPDATE #84
« Reply #89 on: August 04, 2016, 03:31:10 PM »
I do have to say that some friends of mine in a similar situation divorced for legal reasons because the female half of the couple wanted to have a baby with her other male partner.  They're all still together and the kid effectively has four parents!