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Author Topic: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes  (Read 7824 times)

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Mopsy428

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Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« on: July 18, 2016, 06:47:30 PM »
I saw this on-line, and I didn't see this posted here (I searched), so I thought I would see what you all thought: Here http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/07/dear_prudence_my_son_eloped_and_i_m_stuck_planning_his_wedding.html is the link.

Essentially, Mom is upset because she is planning a wedding for her son and his "fiancee" who is really his wife because they eloped last week. Mom feels lied to and denied. Prudie pretty much says, "Reread your letter. It's no wonder they eloped. It's not about you. Happy couple isn't doing anything wrong. Get over it."

I think Prudie missed the mark on this one. I understand why Mom is upset, and I think it's a bit dishonest of the HC to plan a "wedding", tell everyone they are getting married, when they are all ready married.

I did have a few questions, though. If Wife thought wedding planning was too stressful, why is she going through the second "wedding"? It seems like you wouldn't avoid that much stress by getting married beforehand. Also, what is Mom's involvement in the wedding planning? I'm not sure what I would do if I was the mother, but I probably would (calmly) mention to my son that I knew he was all ready married, and I was done planning for the "wedding" unless he came clean with his guests.

Thoughts?

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2016, 07:28:01 PM »
I saw this on-line, and I didn't see this posted here (I searched), so I thought I would see what you all thought: Here http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2016/07/dear_prudence_my_son_eloped_and_i_m_stuck_planning_his_wedding.html is the link.

Essentially, Mom is upset because she is planning a wedding for her son and his "fiancee" who is really his wife because they eloped last week. Mom feels lied to and denied. Prudie pretty much says, "Reread your letter. It's no wonder they eloped. It's not about you. Happy couple isn't doing anything wrong. Get over it."

I think Prudie missed the mark on this one. I understand why Mom is upset, and I think it's a bit dishonest of the HC to plan a "wedding", tell everyone they are getting married, when they are all ready married.

I did have a few questions, though. If Wife thought wedding planning was too stressful, why is she going through the second "wedding"? It seems like you wouldn't avoid that much stress by getting married beforehand. Also, what is Mom's involvement in the wedding planning? I'm not sure what I would do if I was the mother, but I probably would (calmly) mention to my son that I knew he was all ready married, and I was done planning for the "wedding" unless he came clean with his guests.

Thoughts?

Maybe she isn't. It doesn't sound like the LW has spoken with the couple since the elopement, and we only have her assumption that the wedding celebration is still going to happen. It's not even clear from her letter if invitations have been sent out. One thing we do know for certain is that the couple has not been sharing all of their wedding plans with her, since she was not directly told about the elopement. It's entirely possible that the couple intends to cancel/stop rescheduling their wedding and simply plans to announce their elopement as a done deal.

Mopsy428

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2016, 07:30:23 PM »
You know, I didn't think of it that way. I just assumed since Mom was still planning it, the HC was still going forward with the plans.

shhh its me

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2016, 07:33:39 PM »
I think relationship wise it was pretty good advice, I think it may have come down to let it go you can't do anything to change the past VS blow up the bridge in the name of self righteous anger.

 Future MIL sounds a little hyperbolic and a lot dramatic after having to reschedule twice I can understand the desire to say "That's it we're getting married today!" and either ; then no matter what happens on "the big day" it will be ok we're married  we can get through it." or "We will tell mom next week we're not doing the big day."   Etiquette wise it wasn't the best advice

Two Ravens

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2016, 08:12:52 PM »
I can understand a bit why the MIL feels betrayed. They didn't even tell her they got married, she overheard her other son talking about it.

But if she doesn't want to be involved with the wedding anymore, she just needs to stop doing it. Drop the whole thing entirely and "let it goooo," in the words of Elsa.

Dazi

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2016, 08:39:14 PM »
I don't think Prudie is off the mark at all. They choose to elope. That is their right to get married however they wish. There's ZERO evidence that "a charade wedding" will be happening, only the deluded MIL's assertion that it will. The happy couple hasn't told the MIL they are married, YET. We have no idea if they told her two minutes after this letter was sent in or if they waited 6 months.
Meditate. Live purely. Quiet the mind. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine. ---Gautama Buddah





gramma dishes

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2016, 08:57:41 PM »
I think it interesting that the LW says "... I only found out because I overheard my youngest son telling his girlfriend about it! I am very hurt. I was denied and lied to. Neither of them know that I know ..."

So her older son and his wife didn't tell her, she "overheard" her younger son discussing it with his girlfriend.  Neither son knows she knows.  How did it happen that just by accident she just happened to overhear a private conversation her younger son was having with his girlfriend?   ::)

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2016, 09:11:38 PM »
Love how Prudie said that her son's wedding wasn't about her and stop trying to make it about her.

weaselfrance

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2016, 03:10:50 AM »
I thought it was interesting that she seems to be blaming the daughter-in-law for this. She's no longer a fine, upstanding young woman! Yes, the bride found the wedding planning situation stressful, but LW's son was presumably on board with the civil ceremony and brought his brother along as a witness. This isn't the bride's 'fault'. Not much real sympathy expressed for what the happy couple have gone through so far either.

The wedding only took place last week and it looks like LW wrote this as a knee jerk response to overhearing a conversation not meant for her. It may well be that bride and groom have subsequently sat both of the families down and told them what happened, cancelling the big white wedding.

Or maybe we should keep an eye out for a new member looking for advice, along the lines of 'My DF and I eloped after having to cancel our wedding several times due to horrible family stress. My now MIL has been adamant she's 'owed' a big white wedding with a priest and all the relatives. How do we tell her what we've done and handle the fall out from her?'  ;)

Edited for typo
« Last Edit: July 19, 2016, 03:14:39 AM by weaselfrance »

Mopsy428

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2016, 07:20:08 AM »
I think it interesting that the LW says "... I only found out because I overheard my youngest son telling his girlfriend about it! I am very hurt. I was denied and lied to. Neither of them know that I know ..."

So her older son and his wife didn't tell her, she "overheard" her younger son discussing it with his girlfriend.  Neither son knows she knows.  How did it happen that just by accident she just happened to overhear a private conversation her younger son was having with his girlfriend?   ::)

They were having it in front of her? He was speaking on the phone at 100 decibels? Lots of people slip and have conversations they shouldn't be having in front of people.


Mopsy428

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2016, 07:30:59 AM »
Love how Prudie said that her son's wedding wasn't about her and stop trying to make it about her.

It's not about her, but if HC is expecting her to pay or help plan, she deserves a bit of respect. Eloping and not telling her and then having a sham wedding is not very respectful or adult. Either call it a reception or don't have one, but don't pretend to get married when you all ready are. That is deceptive. Mom should take a deep breath, wait to see if they tell her they are married, and if the HC decides to not say anything to her and excepts Mom to help plan the "wedding", then Mom can say to the HC, "Look, I know you are all ready married. I'm not helping to plan your 'wedding' anymore, seeing as you are all ready married."

The letter coincides with a "wedding" that my friend went to where the HC had the ceremony then said, "Guess what! It's actually our 1 year anniversary!"  ::) That's all I can think of when I read this letter.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2016, 11:11:16 AM by Mopsy428 »

Celany

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2016, 09:31:01 AM »
I think Prudie's response is pretty spot-on.

I also wish we knew more about whether or not the wedding planning is going to continue, and I'd also love to know what the events and family illnesses are that derailed the wedding. Just out of curiosity and also to know which side of the family they were on. If the new-wife had, say, a grandmother die suddenly, or someone else close to her, I can see how she'd have gotten too stressed and also potentially feel like wedding planning has gotten to be too much.

Either way, mom coming at it like she was wronged sounds like it's only going to make the situation worse and make relations even more painful between everybody. I hope she gets her head on straight and rethinks confronting them.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

wolfie

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2016, 10:52:12 AM »
To me it read like Mom was taking over the wedding planning and the HC didn't want to deal with it anymore and just eloped.

magicdomino

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2016, 12:03:17 PM »
To me it read like Mom was taking over the wedding planning and the HC didn't want to deal with it anymore and just eloped.

That was my impression as well.

lakey

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Re: Dear Prudence - 7/14 - Son Elopes
« Reply #14 on: July 19, 2016, 01:21:30 PM »
Quote
I can understand a bit why the MIL feels betrayed. They didn't even tell her they got married, she overheard her other son talking about it.

But if she doesn't want to be involved with the wedding anymore, she just needs to stop doing it. Drop the whole thing entirely and "let it goooo," in the words of Elsa.
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I agree with this. Then again, there may be some backstory we don't know about.
I do think that honesty matters and that if they are already married, they are free to have a celebration, just be honest about it. I would have no problem attending their celebration; I would have a problem if they invited me but misled me about what was going on. Be upfront with people.