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Author Topic: STD for just a reception?  (Read 6779 times)

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gellchom

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2016, 07:57:09 PM »
I'm confused by those saying that STDs are used for many reasons and that the OP shouldn't look into it too much. Don't most (all?) STDs say what you should save the date for?

Dh and I eloped and then a year later had a vow renewal/reception for family and friends. That was very clearly stated on the STD; there was no confusion that it was a wedding-like event, but NOT a wedding.

One would hope, but some might emphasize style over substance.  We got one last year that was just a picture along with the first names and date, and never received any more information.  We ended up having to make some phone calls to determine if we were actually invited.

Of the last few save the dates for weddings I've received, none have indicated that a ceremony would occur. I have one on my fridge right now that just has a photo of the couple with wedding bells as a boarder, Save the Date, their first names and the Date and the city location. Another has a several photos of the couple with "We hope you'll be able to  join us as we celebrate the union of Jane and John on November 5th in City, State" and there's a listing of their website below and a note that a formal invitation is to follow.  Those seems to be typical in my experience.

Now that you mention it, that's my experience, too.  There are 4 on my freezer now.  One (my daughter's) says "save the date for the wedding of DD and DSIL."  The other three all just say "Save the Date! / Thusnelda and Cuthbert / [date] and two have website URLs.  (My favorite one has a picture of the bride and groom at age 12 or so, facing each other and holding hands, laughing, at summer camp where they met.)

kudeebee

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2016, 11:37:59 PM »
I can see how someone might wanting more details if they could foresee a conflict. For instance you and your DH had tentatively planned to go out of town that weekend but would change your plans to attend a wedding. But for some reason a reception only event doesn't rate as high on your scale of priorities so you'd keep your travel plans if it was a reception only. If that's the case then I'd give a call to another in the know relative and ask.

Thanks everyone, for all the input!

As I said in the OP, the issue raised by Hmmmmm is one that I can see causing problems - DH's family is expecting a wedding, not a reception, and this will probably hit them like a ton of bricks. It won't be the first wedding in the grandchild layer, but he was the first grandchild. People may be flying in from many states away, with the expectation of a wedding, not a reception. I've asked around here at work today and the general consensus is that an STD is for a wedding. I'm in Ohio, so maybe it is different in other areas of the US.

And I'd contact the relative (groom's Mom) except that she has a not very well disguised hatred of me (and all the other spouses  >:D ) I just texted DH to ask him if he knows if they got married. He works at a summer camp and he's home for 3 days. I'm sure he will be mighty confused at my question until I show him Facebook tonight!

I don't understand why you need to know what is going to happen three months from now right at this moment.  You should receive an invitation in the next 4-6 weeks and then you will know.  You have seen on FB that they are probably married, so chances are good it will just be a reception, but you never know what will occur.

I can understand if you may have a conflict like a pp stated, but you will surely know well in advance.  If you don't know what is going on before you need to finalize plans for something else, have dh talk to his sister.

As to people flying in expecting a wedding, I would expect that they would know what is going on--exact date, time, etc--before they made flight plans.  Again, either receiving an invitation or asking about details so they can plan.  If I was flying anywhere or driving a long distance, I would want the timeline of events so I could plan for the trip and wouldn't just book tickets/take days off without knowing.

o_gal

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Re: STD for just a reception? - Update
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2016, 06:16:27 AM »
And now I change my question to: Should you receive an STD even though you're going to be B-listed;D

Wedding is Oct 22. And yes, the answer is that it is a wedding, with vows and a reception. We just received the invitation in yesterday's mail (Sep 20). That puts us 4 and a half weeks out from the wedding. And the RSVP date is Sep 16. So by all indications, we are on the B list. They probably received some regrets and then could send out more invitations.

My personal opinion is that if you are going to have different lists of people, you don't send STDs. If you send them only to your A list, then you run into the possibility that someone on your B list would not know the date and then couldn't make it. Especially since the B list people will receive the invitation much later than the A list people. And the opposite is that if you send them to all your people (A, B, and C list), you've set up an expectation in people's minds that they are going to receive an invite. And then you end up not inviting the B and C list people, who've kept open a day or whole weekend. Just too many minefields to navigate.

gellchom

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Re: STD for just a reception? - Update
« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2016, 07:55:18 AM »
And now I change my question to: Should you receive an STD even though you're going to be B-listed;D

Wedding is Oct 22. And yes, the answer is that it is a wedding, with vows and a reception. We just received the invitation in yesterday's mail (Sep 20). That puts us 4 and a half weeks out from the wedding. And the RSVP date is Sep 16. So by all indications, we are on the B list. They probably received some regrets and then could send out more invitations.

My personal opinion is that if you are going to have different lists of people, you don't send STDs. If you send them only to your A list, then you run into the possibility that someone on your B list would not know the date and then couldn't make it. Especially since the B list people will receive the invitation much later than the A list people. And the opposite is that if you send them to all your people (A, B, and C list), you've set up an expectation in people's minds that they are going to receive an invite. And then you end up not inviting the B and C list people, who've kept open a day or whole weekend. Just too many minefields to navigate.

First of all, not everyone calls this a "B list," as you will presumably be treated exactly the same as all other guests.  There is no rule that hosts cannot add people to their guest lists after the first invitations have gone out.

Second, you are making a big assumption that your invitation was sent only after they received declines.  You got it well before the wedding -- especially, in fact because you did get a STD.  (Isn't that what they are for-- to give plenty of notice?)  Many people send invitations earlier, but not everyone does.  And I can tell you from experience that a few always get severely delayed in the mail for no apparent reason, or one is discovered on the floor of the car that didn't make it to the post office, etc.

The fact that you received a STD is much stronger evidence that you were always on the list than the shortish time frame is evidence that you were an afterthought. 

But anyway, there is no rule that all invitations go out the same day.  We always send the out of town invitations earlier than the in town ones, intentionally.  It's certainly wise to send them to groups who know each other at about the same time, of course, to avoid hurting feelings or anyone making unkind assumptions. 

What is a rule is that you only send STDs to those who will definitely be invited.  And you did get an invitation, and it was timely, even if other guests got theirs earlier.

I do think that these hosts should have removed the RSVP date, if in fact this invitation was sent out after it. 

This is another down side to sending STDs out to everyone, not just people who need travel arrangement time.  I think it's created problems and needless pressure on hosts.  When people assume that that's the case, they feel like afterthoughts or "B list" if they get an invitation and not a STD.  But the hosts can't always finalize the guest list that far out.  We send them almost exclusively to out of town guests.  So I agree with you there.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2016, 07:59:52 AM by gellchom »

Outdoor Girl

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2016, 08:08:04 AM »
Receiving the invitation after the RSVP date is a clear indication that the OP was B-listed.

I'll hopefully be planning a wedding within the next two years.  I will not be sending STDs.  But I will be talking to the people who are most important for BF and I to have at the wedding to make sure we plan for a time they will be able to attend.  And then the invitations will go out about 12 weeks in advance, longer if we plan for prime summer season when hotels are at a premium.

There will be no B-list.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

ladyknight1

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2016, 08:29:30 AM »
Receiving the invitation after the RSVP date is a clear indication that the OP was B-listed.

I'll hopefully be planning a wedding within the next two years.  I will not be sending STDs.  But I will be talking to the people who are most important for BF and I to have at the wedding to make sure we plan for a time they will be able to attend.  And then the invitations will go out about 12 weeks in advance, longer if we plan for prime summer season when hotels are at a premium.

There will be no B-list.

POD.

There is no way that this is not rude.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

Hmmmmm

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2016, 08:55:09 AM »
Receiving the invitation after the RSVP date is a clear indication that the OP was B-listed.

I'll hopefully be planning a wedding within the next two years.  I will not be sending STDs.  But I will be talking to the people who are most important for BF and I to have at the wedding to make sure we plan for a time they will be able to attend.  And then the invitations will go out about 12 weeks in advance, longer if we plan for prime summer season when hotels are at a premium.

There will be no B-list.

I disagree. If I were to receive the invite late after having received an STD then I would assume there was a problem with the mail delivery, not jump to being on the B list. And I would be immediately on the phone to the couple saying that I'd just received the invitation this week and realized it was past the RSVP date and is it too late to accept.

lmyrs

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #22 on: September 21, 2016, 09:29:03 AM »
If I received a STD and I got an invite after the RSVP date, I'd assume it was a mailing error. Or my invite was mislaid. Or any other reason. It wouldn't cross my mind that I was in a second tier of invites.

o_gal

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2016, 12:26:35 PM »
I disagree. If I were to receive the invite late after having received an STD then I would assume there was a problem with the mail delivery, not jump to being on the B list. And I would be immediately on the phone to the couple saying that I'd just received the invitation this week and realized it was past the RSVP date and is it too late to accept.

If I received a STD and I got an invite after the RSVP date, I'd assume it was a mailing error. Or my invite was mislaid. Or any other reason. It wouldn't cross my mind that I was in a second tier of invites.

Hmmmmm points out that in the case of receiving an invitation late, the invitee should get in touch with the couple to explain why they would be receiving the response back late. However, if the invite was mislaid and the couple just then realized it, shouldn't they get in touch with the invitee and explain why they received an invite after the RSVP date?

I think the timeline still points to a B-list: RSVP date was Sep 16. If they received a response back from another 3 or 4 person group, then they could prepare another invitation and mail it out on Sep 17. Invitation wings its way across country, lands in my mailbox 3 mailing days later (Sep 20).

They also addressed it to "o_gal_husband and o_gal ourlastname and family", so they also did not specify my DS's name. And the invitation has a border with glitter, "The Herpes of the Craft World"  >:D

HannahGrace

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2016, 01:15:41 PM »
I disagree. If I were to receive the invite late after having received an STD then I would assume there was a problem with the mail delivery, not jump to being on the B list. And I would be immediately on the phone to the couple saying that I'd just received the invitation this week and realized it was past the RSVP date and is it too late to accept.

If I received a STD and I got an invite after the RSVP date, I'd assume it was a mailing error. Or my invite was mislaid. Or any other reason. It wouldn't cross my mind that I was in a second tier of invites.

Hmmmmm points out that in the case of receiving an invitation late, the invitee should get in touch with the couple to explain why they would be receiving the response back late. However, if the invite was mislaid and the couple just then realized it, shouldn't they get in touch with the invitee and explain why they received an invite after the RSVP date?

I think the timeline still points to a B-list: RSVP date was Sep 16. If they received a response back from another 3 or 4 person group, then they could prepare another invitation and mail it out on Sep 17. Invitation wings its way across country, lands in my mailbox 3 mailing days later (Sep 20).

They also addressed it to "o_gal_husband and o_gal ourlastname and family", so they also did not specify my DS's name. And the invitation has a border with glitter, "The Herpes of the Craft World"  >:D

Wait are you seriously complaining because the invitation said "and family" instead of a specific name?  I feel like you have gotten to "jerk eating crackers" level with this invitation / event. Sounds like declining might be your best option.

magicdomino

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2016, 01:19:29 PM »
Receiving the invitation after the RSVP date is a clear indication that the OP was B-listed.

I'll hopefully be planning a wedding within the next two years.  I will not be sending STDs.  But I will be talking to the people who are most important for BF and I to have at the wedding to make sure we plan for a time they will be able to attend.  And then the invitations will go out about 12 weeks in advance, longer if we plan for prime summer season when hotels are at a premium.

There will be no B-list.

Oh, not necessarily.  For some reason, my niece didn't mail any of her invitations until just before the wedding.  I don't remember what the deadline for RSVP was, but the invitations were mailed about a week or two before they needed the headcount for the catering.   No STD either.  That was unfortunate because when my sister-in-law called to tell me that the wedding was in three weeks, I'd just paid for a non-refundable vacation at that same time.  Too bad, I would have liked to have gone to the wedding.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2016, 01:30:54 PM by magicdomino »

gellchom

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2016, 01:25:11 PM »
Wait are you seriously complaining because the invitation said "and family" instead of a specific name?  I feel like you have gotten to "jerk eating crackers" level with this invitation / event. Sounds like declining might be your best option.
And the glitter.  Yes, it's a mess, but neither that nor the "and family" prove anything about the reason for the late invitation.  You got an STD; that shows they knew even back then they definitely wanted to invite you.  But you can choose to ignore that and make your assumptions based entirely on the RSVP date.

I get it that you are offended that you received your invitation after the RSVP date, and perhaps the hosts should have said something to you about it (maybe they still will, you know) if there was some sort of glitch.

But it does sort of sound like you want to be mad at these people.  We all have jerks eating crackers in our lives, so we understand the feeling!  But step back a bit and decide what is and isn't a big deal here.

Hmmmmm

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2016, 01:44:35 PM »
Wait are you seriously complaining because the invitation said "and family" instead of a specific name?  I feel like you have gotten to "jerk eating crackers" level with this invitation / event. Sounds like declining might be your best option.
And the glitter.  Yes, it's a mess, but neither that nor the "and family" prove anything about the reason for the late invitation.  You got an STD; that shows they knew even back then they definitely wanted to invite you.  But you can choose to ignore that and make your assumptions based entirely on the RSVP date.

I get it that you are offended that you received your invitation after the RSVP date, and perhaps the hosts should have said something to you about it (maybe they still will, you know) if there was some sort of glitch.

But it does sort of sound like you want to be mad at these people.  We all have jerks eating crackers in our lives, so we understand the feeling!  But step back a bit and decide what is and isn't a big deal here.

I still maintain that the invite being late could be a lost in the mail issue. In the last year I remember:
-MIL didn't receive a shower invite I mailed at the same time as others until 4 weeks later.
-I received an invitation to a 50th bday the day of the party but I'm sure it was mailed at the same time as others.
-DD and I both received individual shower invites. Mine arrived a week before hers but again I'm pretty sure they were mailed at the same time.
-My sisters and I did a group gift. I got my thank you note within a week as did another sister. The out of state sister didn't get hers for 3 weeks.

I just think I'd be happier about attending the event if I just didn't assume poor behavior on the part of the couple.

Chez Miriam

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2016, 01:51:55 PM »
At some of various places I have lived, I routinely received mail for other people at other addresses.  Royal Mail an work beautifully, but it can mess up spectacularly.

In the UK we are allowed to just take mail around to our neighbour's and push it through their letterboxes [I think you must not do that in the US?].  Sometimes, a pile of letters wouldn't be checked for a week or so after we got back from holiday, so a letter could have sat in our house for up to a month.  Sometimes, I would just put it back in the letterbox [if I didn't know the street, or I was especially fed-up with receiving wrongly delivered mail at that time] for the postman to have another go at delivering correctly.  If it was for the jerk who left our place filthy when he moved out [that I ended up cleaning because the agent was...  inefficient >:(], who continued to use our mailing address for the three-and-a-half years that we lived there, I would sit on it for a while if it was from the Inland Revenue [our equivalent of the IRS] and then post it to them with writing all over the envelope telling them he no longer had any legal right to use that address.  I regarded it as: he showed no urgency telling them he moved, so no urgency attaches to me to make sure he doesn't get fined for paying his taxes late.  But I had been religiously taking all his mail to the agent for six months before I got so fed up that I stopped caring about him receiving his letters. >:(

TL;DR: there may be many reasons why a letter arrives later than it should have done.

Hmmmmm posted as I was typing, so it's pretty much another version of that! ;)
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

o_gal

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Re: STD for just a reception?
« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2016, 02:35:22 PM »
Wait are you seriously complaining because the invitation said "and family" instead of a specific name?  I feel like you have gotten to "jerk eating crackers" level with this invitation / event. Sounds like declining might be your best option.
And the glitter.  Yes, it's a mess, but neither that nor the "and family" prove anything about the reason for the late invitation.  You got an STD; that shows they knew even back then they definitely wanted to invite you.  But you can choose to ignore that and make your assumptions based entirely on the RSVP date.

I get it that you are offended that you received your invitation after the RSVP date, and perhaps the hosts should have said something to you about it (maybe they still will, you know) if there was some sort of glitch.

But it does sort of sound like you want to be mad at these people.  We all have jerks eating crackers in our lives, so we understand the feeling!  But step back a bit and decide what is and isn't a big deal here.

Nope, not mad at all. I'm not offended, I'm not mad, and I'm certainly not at the JEC stage. Both DH and I are really looking forward to the wedding. The use of various smileys is the only way to really convey amusement. With the "herpes of the craft world", I was trying to crack a joke. My apologies - it didn't go over that way.

But to address ;D one thing - people are saying that I am complaining that the invitation did not say my DS's name. I believe that's an actual point of etiquette. When you address the outer envelope, you can put something like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". And then the inner envelope is supposed to name all the people who are specifically invited. That's why it's generally frowned upon to address an invitation "and guest". We talk all the time on this forum about how the person who addresses the invites should get the significant other's name. My DS is the groom's cousin - they've known each other since groom was 17 and DS was born. So I decided to point out that among the possible faux pas is the fact that the inner envelope was addressed to my husband, myself, and "family".