News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 22, 2017, 06:26:05 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.  (Read 4454 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Jlspin1986

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« on: July 28, 2016, 09:07:16 AM »
My sister got married 2 years ago and while we were having lunch the other day she tells me that her ex emailed her out of the blue. Apparently he wants to rekindle some sort of friendship "with nothing extra." I don't buy it. This guy is not the type of person to just be friends. My sister is the type of person to stay in contact with her ex's. I asked her how she would feel if her husband did the same with an ex. She replied, "I would feel like he is searching for something other than me and I would be jealous." Her husband is a very jealous person and if he ever found out he would probably leave her.

I want to give some advice to her, but I don't really know what to say.

Moonie

  • Member
  • Posts: 553
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2016, 09:30:04 AM »
If I were you, I'd stay out of this completely. Nothing good can come of it especially if she contacts him, her husband finds out, and finds out you knew about it, too.

Zizi-K

  • Member
  • Posts: 2090
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2016, 09:31:56 AM »
I hope your sister decides to pass up this "offer."

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 967
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2016, 11:30:33 AM »
Your sister brought this up. You gave her your opinion, which I think contained good advice. Whatever happens from this point on is your sister's issue. When it is someone as close to you as a sister, I think it is okay to give advice ONCE.

Your sister is an adult, she will have to accept the consequences of whatever she decides to do. Other posters are right, stay out of it. If she's foolish enough to follow up on this guy's proposal, it's on her.

Cali.in.UK

  • Member
  • Posts: 1000
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2016, 11:36:59 AM »
I think it is okay to say "I don't think that is a good idea" and then stay out of it. Sometimes when people want to do something that they know is bad they will confess it to someone else to gauge that person's reaction, or ask their permission - like a social/moral blessing of sorts.

Years ago when I was teaching English abroad to businesspeople I remember a student of mine, a woman who was married with a kid talking about how she ran into a ex who she discovered was living in her neighborhood. She kept mentioning the idea of meeting up with him secretly and it really felt like she wanted me to give her permission to do it. She would say, "I want to meet him for a drink, I'll say I'm at work" (pause and look at me for reassurance). It was very weird and uncomfortable, I just bean dipped and at one point the most bold thing I said was "that would be playing with fire" and changed the subject. I didn't want to be involved at all in the impending drama.

Mustard

  • Member
  • Posts: 1975
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2016, 11:41:08 AM »
Another vote for telling her nothing good will come of it, then backing off.  If she thinks she has your 'permission' it will all be your fault when the brown stuff hits the apparatus with rotating blades.

Jlspin1986

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2016, 12:33:42 PM »
Years ago when I was teaching English abroad to businesspeople I remember a student of mine, a woman who was married with a kid talking about how she ran into a ex who she discovered was living in her neighborhood. She kept mentioning the idea of meeting up with him secretly and it really felt like she wanted me to give her permission to do it. She would say, "I want to meet him for a drink, I'll say I'm at work" (pause and look at me for reassurance). It was very weird and uncomfortable, I just bean dipped and at one point the most bold thing I said was "that would be playing with fire" and changed the subject. I didn't want to be involved at all in the impending drama.

That is so true about telling someone something to get their approval. My sister does that to me all the time. Probably because I'm older. I've digested everyone's advice and I'm going to see what comes out the other end. ;) Probably just going to keep my mouth shut.

cass2591

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3589
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2016, 06:24:52 PM »
A few people reported this thread for various reasons and all had valid reasons. You asked what to say to her, and IMO the answer is in your OP.

"I asked her how she would feel if her husband did the same with an ex. She replied, "I would feel like he is searching for something other than me and I would be jealous." Her husband is a very jealous person and if he ever found out he would probably leave her."

She's your sister, not a casual acquaintance. Be honest.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

MariaE

  • Member
  • Posts: 5055
  • So many books, so little time
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2016, 02:52:09 AM »
Keeping in touch with an ex can definitely be done - I'm in touch with most of mine, and have established friendships with a few. However, it requires 3 things to work:
* Your gut feeling says he's above board when he says "friendship and nothing else".
* You don't have any inclination to keep it a secret.
* Your significant other is okay with it.

(All 'yous' general, of course).

From your OP it doesn't seem like these three requirements are fulfilled here, so I'd advice your sister to put her husband's feelings first in this case, and not rekindle a friendship.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Jlspin1986

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2016, 07:42:30 AM »
A few people reported this thread for various reasons and all had valid reasons. You asked what to say to her, and IMO the answer is in your OP.

"I asked her how she would feel if her husband did the same with an ex. She replied, "I would feel like he is searching for something other than me and I would be jealous." Her husband is a very jealous person and if he ever found out he would probably leave her."

She's your sister, not a casual acquaintance. Be honest.

That's kind of harsh. I wanted to say more to her, but this is tricky situation. It's not which dress should she wear. It's weather or not to keep secret relationship from her husband. I wanted to tread very lightly, but as other had said it's probably best to stay out of it.

Hmmmmm

  • Member
  • Posts: 8883
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2016, 08:15:32 AM »
A few people reported this thread for various reasons and all had valid reasons. You asked what to say to her, and IMO the answer is in your OP.

"I asked her how she would feel if her husband did the same with an ex. She replied, "I would feel like he is searching for something other than me and I would be jealous." Her husband is a very jealous person and if he ever found out he would probably leave her."

She's your sister, not a casual acquaintance. Be honest.

That's kind of harsh. I wanted to say more to her, but this is tricky situation. It's not which dress should she wear. It's weather or not to keep secret relationship from her husband. I wanted to tread very lightly, but as other had said it's probably best to stay out of it.

I think you may be missing that this is an etiquette board, not a relationship one. From an etiquette perspective, you've given her your input when she asked and then you should stay out of her marriage. If she asks again you repeat "no, I do not believe it is healthy to have a secret relationship, whether with an Ex or anyone else."

Maybe we are missing the point of your etiquette question.

Jlspin1986

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2016, 08:55:58 AM »
You're right. I will find a relationship forum instead.

Thank you

nicolwht

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2017, 03:06:27 PM »
stay in contact with ex... why God tell me why

VorFemme

  • Member
  • Posts: 13802
  • It's too darned hot! (song from Kiss Me, Kate)
Re: Advice for keeping in contact with your ex.
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2017, 04:51:02 PM »
If there is a good reason (such as kids or the nieces & nephews on that side of the family really feel that you are a member of their  family even after a twenty year marriage breaks up or whatever) - having objective witnesses being present is not a bad idea...

Preferably someone the ex- doesn't want to upset (police or the parents of the ex- come to mind), but at any rate, someone who can put a stop to potential problems before anything goes bad.

One sibling's ex- thought that their precious could do no wrong and the witnesses ended up being the police, at least a few times.  The other sibling's ex- had parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews who had spent 20 years with my sibling as a part of their family and they weren't ready to give up one aunt/uncle in favor of keeping only their parent's sibling (who had not bought presents, wrapped them, played board games growing kids, etc.).
« Last Edit: January 30, 2017, 04:57:07 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?


Sorry, this topic is locked. Only admins and moderators can reply.