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Author Topic: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)  (Read 8272 times)

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Redneck Gravy

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You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« on: August 01, 2016, 04:32:46 PM »
This is a story relayed by a friend...

Her brother (YB) is living with her older brother (OB) and his wife SIL.   SIL is one of those people that knows everything there is to know about everything and whatever opinion she has is how everyone should feel/think/act.

YB has had a recent string of bad luck and lost his high paying job in the oil business and had no savings.  He also smokes (always outside), SIL has never smoked and hates everything about it - the cost, the health issues and the smell.  She wants YB to stop smoking and since he is strapped for cash right now, she has decided that he will quit smoking, because, you know, she has decided.  YB has no intention of quitting, period.

Friday evening they were all leaving a burger place after dinner and YB saw a gentleman outside smoking and stepped outside and bummed a smoke before everyone loaded up to go home.  Enroute to OB & SIL's home SIL proceeded to berate YB for begging from strangers and how mortified she was.  YB calmly stated that it is acceptable for the subculture of smokers; to bum a cigarette from a stranger once in awhile is perfectly normal.  She continued to disagree and argue, passionately apparently.   

OB (a former smoker) finally spoke up and said "SIL you are truly clueless about this subculture, it is perfectly normal and an accepted practice among smokers.  Now, if one is bumming cigarettes all the time then they are directed to the nearest store where cigarettes are sold or the bummee holds out their hand for a contribution to replacement costs.  Just this once admit you don't know what you are talking about and get off his back."

My friend (also a smoker) said that SIL called her for support but friend agreed with YB and OB.  Then SIL switched to OB being rude to her.  And while I agree that her OB could have said it better, nicer and perhaps in a more polite manner, SIL should have just let it drop. 

Opinions from smokers and non smokers welcome.  Is that another subculture?  Would you consider that rude and/or begging?         

greencat

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2016, 04:44:04 PM »
As a non-smoker, while I recognize that smokers often do "bum a smoke" off strangers when they are out of their own, and it's not therefore abnormal, I've also always thought it was crass, because I was taught not to ask strangers for their personal possessions.  Addiction does make people do things that aren't acceptable social behaviors.

Peppergirl

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2016, 04:56:16 PM »
Former Smoker: Bumming smokes is just a 'thing', at least it used to be.  Acceptable as a one-off, but not as a habit (from the same person).  SIL sounds like a pill, but he is living in her house, so he'd be wise to tread carefully.

One thing we used to do in my group when I was a teen is offer the person a quarter. "Hey, can I bum a smoke?  I'll gladly pay!" Most times the one lending the cigarette said no, but occasionally someone took me up on it.  >:D

Switching to menthols later in life seemed to cut down on people wanting to bum smokes from me.  I smoked them up until a couple years ago when I quit. 

Nowadays smoking is so freaking expensive, I'm not really I'd be so free about lending them out, but I still don't think he did anything wrong. And even if so, it certainly wasn't her business to say something.

But I digress.  Mortified? Really?  Drama queen, much?  She has nothing to be embarrassed about..it sounds to me like she's the type that just wants to make everything about her, and will use any excuse to do so.
« Last Edit: August 01, 2016, 04:59:02 PM by Peppergirl »

Hmmmmm

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2016, 05:03:53 PM »
I smoked for a few years in my 20's. I never had complete strangers bum cigarettes from me unless we were in a bar. But I seldom smoked anywhere other than my patio, my car and a bar so probably not the best barometer. I have seen strangers approach my BIL who still smokes for a cigarette and he's fine with that. But I've never seen him approach a stranger and bum a cigarette.

If I were the SIL, I wouldn't have cared much about the bumming, but might have been irritated if we were having to wait or if his clothes smelled of smoke in the car. But SIL needs to realize you'll never nag someone to quit smoking.

Peppergirl

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2016, 05:11:18 PM »
I smoked for a few years in my 20's. I never had complete strangers bum cigarettes from me unless we were in a bar. But I seldom smoked anywhere other than my patio, my car and a bar so probably not the best barometer. I have seen strangers approach my BIL who still smokes for a cigarette and he's fine with that. But I've never seen him approach a stranger and bum a cigarette.

If I were the SIL, I wouldn't have cared much about the bumming, but might have been irritated if we were having to wait or if his clothes smelled of smoke in the car. But SIL needs to realize you'll never nag someone to quit smoking.

This. Those are legitimate gripes, for sure.  She sounds like a pill, otherwise I'd wonder if she was just misdirecting her frustration.  At least his brother stuck up for him, although he probably should have done so more gently... for his sake as well as the brother.  Marital discord will only exacerbate the living situation.

diesel_darlin

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2016, 05:54:52 PM »
Im a former smoker turned vaper. It really is fine with most people to give out one or two cigarettes to someone.

I have noticed that the same pretty much applies in vaping as well. I have had people ask me to share my liquid with them, and I did so, as long

as I had enough for myself.

 I have had coworkers that I asked for their social so I could claim them on my taxes as dependents, though.  ;D

I agree with the others, shes just a pill. He would probably do well to not smoke around her, lest he hear her wrath again.

Bert

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2016, 06:07:45 PM »
Former Smoker: Bumming smokes is just a 'thing', at least it used to be.  Acceptable as a one-off, but not as a habit (from the same person).  SIL sounds like a pill, but he is living in her house, so he'd be wise to tread carefully.

One thing we used to do in my group when I was a teen is offer the person a quarter. "Hey, can I bum a smoke?  I'll gladly pay!" Most times the one lending the cigarette said no, but occasionally someone took me up on it.  >:D

Switching to menthols later in life seemed to cut down on people wanting to bum smokes from me.  I smoked them up until a couple years ago when I quit. 

Nowadays smoking is so freaking expensive, I'm not really I'd be so free about lending them out, but I still don't think he did anything wrong. And even if so, it certainly wasn't her business to say something.

But I digress.  Mortified? Really?  Drama queen, much?  She has nothing to be embarrassed about..it sounds to me like she's the type that just wants to make everything about her, and will use any excuse to do so.

I smoked up until a few years ago.  The prices I see on a pack now days would give me a little pause as well if I were still smoking.

I agree that it was really none of her business, and certainly not so out of the ordinary as to ellicit that type of reaction. 

I always found that it was pretty common behavior to have others ask for one, though I found it a bit annoying in most instances.  Especially when at a party or bar within walking distance to any sort of store.  I'd say yes or no as I felt the situation warranted, but certain people would ask a lot more than others.  In my less polite moments, after being asked more than once, I have responded with "you know they sell these right?".

Bales

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2016, 06:10:31 PM »
Former smoker here and yep, it happens.  Often it was my friends (and the ones that did it often - usually as they were trying to quit themselves, but recognized they were asking frequently - gave me money).  I was also approached a few times by strangers - the most memorable being after an obstacle course race.  If it wasn't to ask for a cigarette, it would be to ask for a light.  And it was also acceptable to say, "sorry, I only have enough for me today." 

We know that SIL wants to be right - to the point of berating her own friend who disagreed with her - and I applaud both YB and OB (her husband, right?) for standing their ground, but my goodness, she sounds exhausting.  I think I'd be working on strategies to avoid her despite living with her!

Vall

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2016, 06:19:21 PM »
I've smoked a pack a day for 35 years (this October).  I agree with YB & OB.  I have no problem giving a cigarette to a stranger.  I've been without occasionally and it's not enjoyable.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  If someone bums as a habit, I say no or charge them.  I also agree that SIL does not know what she's talking about.  It would be unusual for a person who has never smoked and hated to be around it to really know the culture of smokers (which I'm sure varies a bit by location and economic class).

Kiwipinball

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2016, 06:43:23 PM »
I'm not a smoker so I can't speak to the subculture issue (certainly sounds like it's acceptable). I do wonder though, if some (a lot?) of her anger about that was anger about him smoking in general. I know he's not smoking inside the house, but even smoking outside brings in a LOT of smell. I have had roommates in the past who have claimed to be non-smokers but really smoke outside. I made them go out on the driveway (they're renting a room in my house). I am also clearer up front what I mean by non-smoker. If she's that anti-smoking, having a smoker live with her is not a good fit. It's not for me. I wouldn't berate someone for bumming a cigarette. I also wouldn't let someone who just smoked in my car.

It sounds like she's difficult about other things as well, so it may not be displaced frustration/anger at the situation, but that was my first thought. Not appropriate to do either way though.

PastryGoddess

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #10 on: August 01, 2016, 06:48:29 PM »
It sounds like he bummed a smoke, not that he actually smoked the cigarette. 

GreenEyedHawk

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2016, 09:44:46 PM »
As a non-smoker, while I recognize that smokers often do "bum a smoke" off strangers when they are out of their own, and it's not therefore abnormal, I've also always thought it was crass, because I was taught not to ask strangers for their personal possessions.  Addiction does make people do things that aren't acceptable social behaviors.

This is me as well.  I quit smoking probably about ten years ago now and my bf still currently smokes.  I could be quite happy if he never gave me anything ever again if he would just freaking quit.

But I can't hassle him into it.  It doesn't work that way.  Of the pair of us, I am the only one employed.  I hate when he bums smokes, but I don't say anything.  It reflects on him, not me.  And if anyone asks him why he doesn't buy a pack, he can explain it himself.  I don't think too many people are going to fault me for refusing to finance his (expensive and health-ruining) habit. 
"After all this time?"
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lakey

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2016, 12:29:08 AM »
Quote
but my goodness, she sounds exhausting.  I think I'd be working on strategies to avoid her despite living with her!

Well, one strategy would be to get your own place. What the SIL is annoyed by isn't what I would be annoyed by. I would be annoyed with someone who had to live indefinitely in my house because he had had a good paying job, but no savings.
I think SIL should stop worrying about his bumming a cigarette from a stranger, and try to encourage him to put his cigarette money into a savings account so that he can eventually move out.

rose red

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2016, 09:49:22 AM »
As a non-smoker, while I recognize that smokers often do "bum a smoke" off strangers when they are out of their own, and it's not therefore abnormal, I've also always thought it was crass, because I was taught not to ask strangers for their personal possessions.  Addiction does make people do things that aren't acceptable social behaviors.

I think it's weird too. I can't imagine walking up to a stranger and asking to bum a French fry or a cookie from their pack.

As for the OP, I think SIL is the type who can't admit they are wrong. YB was actually polite when explaining but she won't let it go, and not in a calm manner either.

auntmeegs

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Re: You don't know the subculture... (smokers)
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2016, 10:45:52 AM »
As a non-smoker, while I recognize that smokers often do "bum a smoke" off strangers when they are out of their own, and it's not therefore abnormal, I've also always thought it was crass, because I was taught not to ask strangers for their personal possessions.  Addiction does make people do things that aren't acceptable social behaviors.

I think it's weird too. I can't imagine walking up to a stranger and asking to bum a French fry or a cookie from their pack.

As for the OP, I think SIL is the type who can't admit they are wrong. YB was actually polite when explaining but she won't let it go, and not in a calm manner either.

Trust me, it really is an acceptable social behavior amongst smokers (I was one for 20 years).