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Author Topic: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!  (Read 10946 times)

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Danika

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2016, 02:24:08 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

Zizi-K

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #16 on: August 08, 2016, 02:55:17 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

LadyL

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #17 on: August 08, 2016, 03:07:36 PM »
I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.


Our wedding was about 130 people, and if we had invited kids under 10 there would have been about 12-15 small children at our evening wedding because a lot of the relatives my age have a small child or two. That's a lot of kids for a night time adult event never mind a wedding. In our case there were plenty of logistical reasons to not opt for a babysitter or kids section (the $1 million dollar damage insurance policy we needed to take out to use the venue being one factor), but part of it was we also wanted the rare chance to interact with our parent friends not in "parent mode." Rather than "excluding people we cared about," our motivation was for them to be able to experience the event fully without worrying about Junior spitting up on the irreplaceable statue or whatever.

I realize that some people might not be phased at all by tantrumming or loud children at a wedding ceremony or reception, but I also know HCs who spent $$$ on videography who would be sad to have the audio just be screaming instead of their vows. I have attended several weddings where I couldn't hear half the ceremony because of a kid making noise, and I found that annoying (mostly that the parents weren't carrying them out), never mind if I was the one getting married. But as with all things YMMV.

wolfie

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #18 on: August 08, 2016, 03:26:28 PM »
.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

that's nice for you. The nursing mom I knew was far from discrete and loved to make sure everyone knew that she was nursing her kid and made sure she was the center of attention - no matter what the gathering. I was just glad that she stopped coming to book club before we had to talk to her about it because she was making people uncomfortable. You can't extrapolate your experience to every one else's. People have reasons for excluding who they exclude and you trying to make them feel bad for that is pretty rude.

Runningstar

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #19 on: August 08, 2016, 03:37:45 PM »
While I understand the issues of child free might mean that some adults cannot attend due to cost/availability of child care, it still is ok in my opinion to have adult only.  Nursing babies is a bit tricky because most of my friends nursed for the first year.  So while a newborn is what you might mean to be ok, a one year old can be a bit of a handful to keep quiet and still.  My friend Nancy nursed hers for 18 months, and her kids were non-napping, adorable but very very inquisitive children.  How would you make the cut off?

I have always thought that the child free weddings are partly due to the children not being old enough to understand, remember, or enjoy the festivities and for either size of venue, atmosphere, cost the couple has decided not to include them.

Celany

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #20 on: August 08, 2016, 04:20:09 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

re the bolded - that's nice for the bride, I guess, but being a guest at a wedding where the poopy diaper is right next to you, or within smelling distance? That is HUGELY distracting and also very unpleasant! Likewise, being the guest at a wedding near a screaming child. If I got dressed up, picked out a gift, and got geared up to celebrate the wedding of somebody I cared about, I'd be really unhappy to have to deal with a screaming child while trying to eat/celebrate/enjoy the ceremony/reception. Or a poopy diaper. Ugh.

And while I've seen some well-behaved children at weddings (or out in the world), I've seen enough absolutely awful ones with parents who give zero craps about pwecious that being around children of unknown parenting quality can be kinda stressful. Like the woman in the OP, what if pwecious ran up to me and knocked into me hard and I said something to the mother or even told the child to be more careful and she flipped out on me? That would be really awful and potentially disrupt the event for anybody within earshot. At least at a child-free wedding (or event) one doesn't have to worry about stuff like that happening.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Hmmmmm

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #21 on: August 08, 2016, 04:44:44 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

I don't think making a decision to have a child free event necessarily has anything to do with cost or concern the hosts have with whether "they" are impacted or aware of a baby. Having a baby, nursing or not, does change the dynamics for those around them. If I want an adult event where my guests are treated to an adult only evening doing adult only things, then that's my choice. I shouldn't have to change my event because a nursing mom has made a decision that she can't find alternative method of feeding a child for 3 to 5 hours. I know there are many nursing mothers who work full time. They figure it out. And where do you cut off "nursing mother".  I've seen several articles about mom's nursing well past the first year. So do you decide to open it up to any nursing mom including the ones still nursing her 2 year old?

Zizi-K

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2016, 05:53:38 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

I don't think making a decision to have a child free event necessarily has anything to do with cost or concern the hosts have with whether "they" are impacted or aware of a baby. Having a baby, nursing or not, does change the dynamics for those around them. If I want an adult event where my guests are treated to an adult only evening doing adult only things, then that's my choice. I shouldn't have to change my event because a nursing mom has made a decision that she can't find alternative method of feeding a child for 3 to 5 hours. I know there are many nursing mothers who work full time. They figure it out. And where do you cut off "nursing mother".  I've seen several articles about mom's nursing well past the first year. So do you decide to open it up to any nursing mom including the ones still nursing her 2 year old?

Good question! I don't know. I'm not suggesting that it's an etiquette rule that requires a hard and fast cut-off. I think that people who nurse kids above 1 are doing so in conjunction with food, not exclusive. Usually BF happens in the mornings and at night, not exclusively all day long. But I'm sure there are exceptions. For myself, I was thinking more the newborn situation. To each their own. If I knew anyone that was planning a wedding and asked my opinion, I would encourage them to not take such a hard line against nursing infants, but...no one is lined up to do that! It is sad to me that the sheer possible presence of children is viewed as such an ambiance-destroying nuisance.

I think we can all agree that people are entitled to invite who they want to their events, and that invited guests have to go along with those parameters or decline. I do not at all defend or condone the wife in the OP's scenario accosting the OP and yelling at her. I don't think she should have brought her kids, given the nature of the invitation. If she wanted to talk to the OP about it, she should have done so calmly and well in advance of the event, and she should have been prepared to hear 'no' graciously.

shortstuff

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2016, 06:54:01 PM »
I agree that the lines of communication should be open. My own wedding was child-free, but I was of an age and demographic during which time none of the guests had very young children or infants.

Inviting "children" (all minor children of the invited guests) can mean a huge addition to the number of guests, requiring more seating, additional meals, etc. However, a nursing baby does not add those kinds of things. If someone had asked if they could bring a nursing baby to my wedding, I would have said yes. I would assume that this guest knows to remove the child if it starts screaming. A quiet baby costs the bride and groom nothing, so I cannot see telling family and friends to not attend because of a baby. To me that is just very strange priorities--excluding people you care about for the odd chance that a baby will make noise and that the parents will not deal with it?

My wedding was child free and that meant my three year old niece was not invited. I don't think my priorities were strange in the least. I wanted my guests to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding and reception without having to worry about keeping up with their kids and quite frankly, having children attend changes the tone of a wedding significantly.

I have to say that I find your comment about people like me having "strange priorities--excluding people you care about..." to be pretty judgemental and kinda rude. We all have a vision of what our weddings will be like and there is nothing wrong with that. Babies are not going to remember weddings, but the bride and groom will remember a child crying, having a tantrum, having a smelly diaper or any number of other things. It's great if the HC is cool with having little ones attend, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or indicative of "strange priorities" if another HC chooses differently.

POD

When DH and I created our wedding guest list, there were some friends we trusted to remove their children if they were loud and causing a disturbance during the ceremony. There were also friends we did not trust to do that. We couldn't just say "you, considerate friends, with the well behaved children, you can bring your kids. And you, friends who think that a clapping and singing baby is cuter than me hearing my fiance's wedding vows, don't bring your kids." So we said "no kids under age 10."

And when we later attended other weddings where kids had been invited with the same folks who we knew wouldn't remove their loud children, we found we'd been right. Their kids talked and screamed during vows and that's all we heard.

I guess it depends on what kind and size of wedding that you have. My wedding was something like 200 people. As I said, I didn't invite young kids, but no one I knew really had them at the time. At the size of my wedding, a nursing baby would not have changed the dynamic in the least. I have noticed, from other wedding related threads here and elsewhere, that brides tend to have an overwrought sense of how much they will be aware of all things going on at all times during their wedding. When there is 200 people in the room, that is definitely not the case. You are having your individual conversations with people, circulating, dancing, drinking, eating etc. If there is a crying baby way across the room during loud music and dancing, it's highly unlikely that you'd be aware of it. If a poopy diaper happens 20 rows back during your vows, you're not going to be aware of it. The number one thing that recent brides told me when I was getting married was how much of a blur the whole thing was going to be, and I found that to be pretty accurate.

I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

I don't think making a decision to have a child free event necessarily has anything to do with cost or concern the hosts have with whether "they" are impacted or aware of a baby. Having a baby, nursing or not, does change the dynamics for those around them. If I want an adult event where my guests are treated to an adult only evening doing adult only things, then that's my choice. I shouldn't have to change my event because a nursing mom has made a decision that she can't find alternative method of feeding a child for 3 to 5 hours. I know there are many nursing mothers who work full time. They figure it out. And where do you cut off "nursing mother".  I've seen several articles about mom's nursing well past the first year. So do you decide to open it up to any nursing mom including the ones still nursing her 2 year old?

Good question! I don't know. I'm not suggesting that it's an etiquette rule that requires a hard and fast cut-off. I think that people who nurse kids above 1 are doing so in conjunction with food, not exclusive. Usually BF happens in the mornings and at night, not exclusively all day long. But I'm sure there are exceptions. For myself, I was thinking more the newborn situation. To each their own. If I knew anyone that was planning a wedding and asked my opinion, I would encourage them to not take such a hard line against nursing infants, but...no one is lined up to do that! It is sad to me that the sheer possible presence of children is viewed as such an ambiance-destroying nuisance.

I think we can all agree that people are entitled to invite who they want to their events, and that invited guests have to go along with those parameters or decline. I do not at all defend or condone the wife in the OP's scenario accosting the OP and yelling at her. I don't think she should have brought her kids, given the nature of the invitation. If she wanted to talk to the OP about it, she should have done so calmly and well in advance of the event, and she should have been prepared to hear 'no' graciously.

And here's another YMMV situation for ya, the moms I know who nursed were generally in the mindset of not going out anywhere with an infant.  In my circle, which admittedly is very small, those are the moms least likely to go anywhere.  So while I agree that a nursing infant can be unobtrusive, I just simply wouldn't think to make an exception for them, because IME I wouldn't be expecting it. 

I offered to let everyone close to me invite their kids, but most chose to leave their young ones at home.  I did have 2 cousins-once-removed at my wedding, ages 8 and 11.  My dad got all huffy about "children at a wedding" until I told him to shush, I had invited them, and they came with their mother from out of the country, and where did he expect them to stay?  So even unexpected sources can have strong opinions! 

buvezdevin

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2016, 08:50:56 PM »
Ziti-K, it may make you less sad to realize that no one is saying the presence of children, or sheer possibility of their presence is an ambience-destroying nuisance.  At any wedding or other event, the decision to include or not include children has an impact on a number of aspects of the event, and may lead to some guests declining, or being all the more happy to attend without children or, with as the event particulars provide.  The ambience is usually not negatively impacted either way, other than by those who cannot comprehend a decision different than they would make were it their decision to make.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

Jape

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2016, 08:54:02 PM »
Let me preface this by saying I have NO problem with child-free weddings and believe it is up to the couple to decide who to invite.  But I'm not sure I understand the mindset of "I didn't invite children because I wanted my friends to have a night off".  I think that's disingenuous.  You didn't invite the children because you didn't want them.  That's fine.  Why not own it?  Because what you're saying is effectively, "I want my friends to have a night off whether they want it or not."  Because they might not see it as a night off.  It might mean more work for them, having meals prepared, clothes/toys/stroller/portable cot packed and transported, babysitter booked/paid for...  A wedding was a logistical nightmare for us when our children were small.  We didn't have family locally and we had just moved to the area and didn't know anyone to babysit.  We made it work and were happy to accommodate our friends' wishes, but it was more work than taking them would have been.  It's not a reason you should invite the children - but call it for what it is.  You don't want children at your wedding.  That's your right and no-one should question it, regardless of your reasons.   

Zizi-K

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2016, 08:59:04 PM »
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I'm not judging anyone for having a child free wedding. I do think its pretty crappy to exclude nursing moms when all of the nursing moms I know keep their babies quiet and happy through discrete nursing. Toddlers and young kids are harder to keep under control, but they can also be watched by other people (like a babysitter) much more easily than a nursing baby.

that's nice for you. The nursing mom I knew was far from discrete and loved to make sure everyone knew that she was nursing her kid and made sure she was the center of attention - no matter what the gathering. I was just glad that she stopped coming to book club before we had to talk to her about it because she was making people uncomfortable. You can't extrapolate your experience to every one else's. People have reasons for excluding who they exclude and you trying to make them feel bad for that is pretty rude.

whoa! stating my opinion is not "trying to make other people feel bad." I hope you do not feel bad because of opinions that internet strangers express! I included all of that background about my experience as a way to explain my perspective. obviously if you have different experiences than your perspective will be different. sorry that a nursing woman made you feel uncomfortable!

Zizi-K

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #27 on: August 08, 2016, 09:01:18 PM »
Ziti-K, it may make you less sad to realize that no one is saying the presence of children, or sheer possibility of their presence is an ambience-destroying nuisance.  At any wedding or other event, the decision to include or not include children has an impact on a number of aspects of the event, and may lead to some guests declining, or being all the more happy to attend without children or, with as the event particulars provide.  The ambience is usually not negatively impacted either way, other than by those who cannot comprehend a decision different than they would make were it their decision to make.

wow...as I said, I had a child free wedding! So, I can comprehend it. this topic is really pushing some buttons...

buvezdevin

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #28 on: August 08, 2016, 09:02:17 PM »
Let me preface this by saying I have NO problem with child-free weddings and believe it is up to the couple to decide who to invite.  But I'm not sure I understand the mindset of "I didn't invite children because I wanted my friends to have a night off".  I think that's disingenuous.  You didn't invite the children because you didn't want them.  That's fine.  Why not own it?  Because what you're saying is effectively, "I want my friends to have a night off whether they want it or not."  Because they might not see it as a night off.  It might mean more work for them, having meals prepared, clothes/toys/stroller/portable cot packed and transported, babysitter booked/paid for...  A wedding was a logistical nightmare for us when our children were small.  We didn't have family locally and we had just moved to the area and didn't know anyone to babysit.  We made it work and were happy to accommodate our friends' wishes, but it was more work than taking them would have been.  It's not a reason you should invite the children - but call it for what it is.  You don't want children at your wedding.  That's your right and no-one should question it, regardless of your reasons.   
I understand your point.  I don't think (though may have missed such a post) that it's been said a child-free wedding is done to make it easier, or harder for anyone.  Yes, to make it child-free so guests are not in parent mode was offered as an example.  While I agree with, and understand your point that perhaps it involves more effort for parents to attend any event, I think your suggestion that people own their choice implies a need to defend that choice - I suggest a defense is not a reasonable request or requirement whether the event includes or does not include children of any age.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

greencat

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Re: No babies at the wedding? Well, mine are coming!
« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2016, 09:06:04 PM »
It's not very consistent to say you're not judging for having a child-free wedding, and then say that it's crappy to exclude a certain category of children.  Nursing babies are not inanimate objects that never cause a fuss, nor are they not children.  Having a baby at an event does certainly change it.