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Author Topic: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding  (Read 13012 times)

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080140

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SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« on: August 09, 2016, 09:28:51 AM »
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« Last Edit: October 31, 2016, 01:29:41 PM by 080140 »

Outdoor Girl

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2016, 09:41:34 AM »
You are correct that cohabitating couples should be considered social units, the same as a married couple would.  Long term dating but not living together is a little less of an imperative but I, personally, would invite the partner, especially if I had met them on a few occasions. 

I think your first step is to assess the friendship.  If she is a drama llama, you have to decide if the friendship is worth maintaining.  And if you decide it isn't all that important to you, one way or the other, you decline the invitation, you send a nice card, perhaps with a small cheque, and hope for the best.

If you know who the bridesmaids are, perhaps you could contact one of them and ask if they knew if your BF was meant to be included in your invitation.  They should know, based on what the bride has said.  If the answer is no, he wasn't to be included, then you can decide whether or not you want to fly solo.  If you do decide to go on your own, your gift should reflect your own budget, giving what you would have if your BF were not in the picture.  She can't say anything, considering she is the one who isn't recognizing the significance of your relationship in the first place.

And if you do decide to buy a new dress for the wedding with the money you are 'saving', don't tell anybody but BF.  ;)
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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maksi

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2016, 09:46:53 AM »
I think the timing might be relevant here, too. Since you only recently moved in together and became a social unit, is it possible she didn't know? Or you hadn't moved in yet by the time they finalized the guest list?

HannahGrace

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2016, 09:53:11 AM »
It sounds like you are being petty. Is this someone you care about? If so, why are you being punitive with your gift, "cutting" the amount because you are upset? Honestly if you are feeling that negative about her and/or the wedding, just don't go.

Two Ravens

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2016, 09:55:30 AM »
It sounds like you are being petty. Is this someone you care about? If so, why are you being punitive with your gift, "cutting" the amount because you are upset? Honestly if you are feeling that negative about her and/or the wedding, just don't go.

Agreed.

080140

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2016, 10:10:10 AM »
I think the timing might be relevant here, too. Since you only recently moved in together and became a social unit, is it possible she didn't know? Or you hadn't moved in yet by the time they finalized the guest list?

We moved in together in May.  Since we've began cohabiting I've been to her bridal shower, bachelorette party and we've gone on numerous double dates with them in our hometown and their state.  They know.

rose red

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2016, 10:17:30 AM »
Maybe it's petty, but we've all had our moments :-\. As long as you don't make PA comments or give them a nasty gift, you are acting within the bounds of etiquette (so what if you give them a toaster instead of a big screen TV? They're both nice gifts and are not a "punishment"). You're on a tighter budget now.

eta: I see you're giving a check. Your budget was when he was going to give a gift too and now he's not; half of that money was his gift. So you're just giving what you were going to give in the first place.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2016, 10:25:12 AM by rose red »

Oh Joy

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2016, 10:24:36 AM »
Welcome to posting!   Of course, it's confusing and hurtful that your fella's not invited.  But I do want to encourage you to add one perspective to your picture, which you may encounter yourself with your future wedding planning:

The happy couple is in the awkward position of evaluating and publicly determining whose significant others are significant enough to be invited and whose aren't.  Being that they're in their mid-twenties, they could easily have several dozen friends and cousins who are unmarried but are involved with someone.  It's not as simple as cohabitation, once you add in keeping separate mailing addresses, length of term, children, and then any children of the significant other.  Which cousin's girlfriend "counts" and which doesn't?  And how in the world do you research all of these people to figure out whether you're inviting one unmarried cousin/sorority friend or four more people you've never met or heard of?  It's hard, and it's not just about the money, even though space and money are a factor.  You can trust that they did the best they could in drawing the boundary, or decide they didn't, but I suggest that their decision was more about their overall guest list and dynamics than it is about you and your guy.

Either way, I will agree that your punitive financial response sounds petty.  If you'd enjoy going solo, then go solo and have fun.  If you don't want to go solo, then decline and send a nice card.  If she's not a good person and you don't want her as a friend, start the slow fade.

Best wishes.

Hmmmmm

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2016, 10:28:02 AM »
1) In most cases, co-habitating or long term dating are treated as a couple. However, I do know of a few people who do not extend that same level of commitment to cohabiting because of cultural or religious views. They've chosen to not treat you two as a social unit. You must decide if you want to accept a social engagement as a single person. (It would be interesting to note how they are treating other couples)

2)I don't come from a culture where the cost of the gift has anything to do with the number of people who attend the wedding or the cost of the event. It's instead a personal decision you make based on your finances and relationship with the couple. So I'd give a gift from you to them since your BF was not invited. There is no reason your BF should be involved in this gift.

3) You say she will be offended if you don't attend. You're offended by her actions and will be resentful going forward. Your relationship will actually never be the same in my opinion whether you attend or not. So you must decide if you'd rather go and be resentful which will most likely cause you to pull further away in the relationship or not go and have her pull further away.

side note: I'm really surprised the bachelorette party has occurred before the invites were even out. Is that becoming more common?

Cali.in.UK

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2016, 11:10:35 AM »
I agree with PPs that you should ask someone (besides the bride) if you BF is invited. Since this girl is a sorority sister of yours, I'm assuming that you will know a fair bit of guests at the event, so maybe you could ask one of the other guests you know. If he isn't invited, then you can decide if you want to go or not. At least you will know other guests at the event. I got married this summer and I was worried about the guest list getting out of hand. When we were initially planning I had a super long list of people and then realized we just could not afford that, so we took some people off. All I know is that with weddings, the couple gets pressured by everyone and it is not possible to make everyone happy so it is most likely not personal if they did not invite your BF.

On another note, I don't think its petty to reduce the size of the check if your BF is not invited. If that was his intended "gift" to the couple but they are not inviting him, why should he give them a gift? I think its fine to just give the amount you want to give, and your BF shouldn't have to give anything if he doesn't want to.

Sophia

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2016, 11:40:29 AM »
I would decline and say it was because it would be wrong to attend a wedding that your bf wasn't invited to. 

HannahGrace

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2016, 11:49:07 AM »
I would decline and say it was because it would be wrong to attend a wedding that your bf wasn't invited to.

That would be a clear path to causing drama and ending a friendship. I'm not sure that is what OP is looking for.

shortstuff

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2016, 11:56:02 AM »
3) You say she will be offended if you don't attend. You're offended by her actions and will be resentful going forward. Your relationship will actually never be the same in my opinion whether you attend or not. So you must decide if you'd rather go and be resentful which will most likely cause you to pull further away in the relationship or not go and have her pull further away.


This is so wise Hmmmmm. 

When I read the OP, my first thought was of the timeline, too.  Assuming the typical wedding timeline, the bride picked a venue and drew up a guest list 6-12 months ago.  12 months ago, OP, you were still in a new-ish relationship.  6 months ago, you weren't cohabitating yet.  It could be simple logistics... but I don't really think it explains everything. 

For instance, did you get a Save the Date?  How was that addressed?  Again, assuming typical timeline of 6 months prior to wedding (and I'm thinking wedding is Oct, since invites usually go out 2 months in advance), that would have been received in April... before you moved in with BF. 

Personally, if they planned for you to come as a single, and then saw your relationship progress, it would have been nice and kind of them to explain the single invite, ie space limitations, too late to change headcount (doubtful), blanket ban on all + ones (possible, if many sorority sisters are coming).  But I don't necessarily see it as a huge snub.  She could be one of those brides who 'had to' invite all the family, and only have a few spaces leftover for friends.  That happened to my friend - out of 100-110 guests, she had 4 friends present, and 3 of us were bridesmaids. 

IMHO, there are too many potential maybes and what ifs here, so just decline the rsvp saying that you already have plans with your bf.  And accept the fallout.  You've already been to all the pre-wedding events, so if she turns drama-llama and you feel the need to JADE to preserve some friendship, there's your excuse.  (I know OP doesn't have to JADE, but she might want to if they are ever in group events and she wants to minimize drama).

HannahGrace

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2016, 12:06:57 PM »
3) You say she will be offended if you don't attend. You're offended by her actions and will be resentful going forward. Your relationship will actually never be the same in my opinion whether you attend or not. So you must decide if you'd rather go and be resentful which will most likely cause you to pull further away in the relationship or not go and have her pull further away.


This is so wise Hmmmmm. 

When I read the OP, my first thought was of the timeline, too.  Assuming the typical wedding timeline, the bride picked a venue and drew up a guest list 6-12 months ago.  12 months ago, OP, you were still in a new-ish relationship.  6 months ago, you weren't cohabitating yet.  It could be simple logistics... but I don't really think it explains everything. 

For instance, did you get a Save the Date?  How was that addressed?  Again, assuming typical timeline of 6 months prior to wedding (and I'm thinking wedding is Oct, since invites usually go out 2 months in advance), that would have been received in April... before you moved in with BF. 

Personally, if they planned for you to come as a single, and then saw your relationship progress, it would have been nice and kind of them to explain the single invite, ie space limitations, too late to change headcount (doubtful), blanket ban on all + ones (possible, if many sorority sisters are coming).  But I don't necessarily see it as a huge snub.  She could be one of those brides who 'had to' invite all the family, and only have a few spaces leftover for friends.  That happened to my friend - out of 100-110 guests, she had 4 friends present, and 3 of us were bridesmaids. 

IMHO, there are too many potential maybes and what ifs here, so just decline the rsvp saying that you already have plans with your bf.  And accept the fallout.  You've already been to all the pre-wedding events, so if she turns drama-llama and you feel the need to JADE to preserve some friendship, there's your excuse.  (I know OP doesn't have to JADE, but she might want to if they are ever in group events and she wants to minimize drama).

Yes exactly. The timelines and logistics for a wedding are drawn out and complicated. It's almost never a case of "ha, I will save $50 on a meal! Forget that guy!"  There are logistics of venue size, table size / number of chairs, and other considerations. All of this stuff probably got decided a while ago when you were in a new relationship. Now, if it were me and you were my good friend, i would have gotten in touch with you before you got the invitation and said, "just so you know, we did the initial guest list with just you. Obviously at this point we would have invited your SO but we don't have the room right now. Presuming we will get at least a few declines, I would love to invite him. I'm sorry I can't go ahead and do that yet, but I hope you know that I want him to be there if I can make it work." She didn't do that, but that may be how she feels.

I just think it is a pretty lousy way to think about a friend to focus on her being "cheap."  And I have been the person who lived with her boyfriend and wasn't invited to his friend's wedding. It happens, it's not because people are cheap, it's because weddings are a nightmare to orchestrate.

lakey

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2016, 02:59:20 PM »
Quote
The joke is really on this cheap couple as my BF makes more than both of their salaries combined and we are normally very generous with our friends and family.   I'm inclined to take what we're "saving" on their wedding gift and treat myself to a a new dress or two.

This bothers me a lot. It's possible, since their income is so much lower than your BF's, that they are having to make some hard decisions about the guest list. It's possible that the bride doesn't realize that she was supposed to invite your BF by name. It's possible that the bride's family and/or the groom's family put a lot of pressure on them to invite a huge number of relatives. In any case, it just sounds like you don't like this woman very much, and you may be justified in that. In which case, why go? Send her a card and enjoy the weekend with your BF.
It just seems that too often weddings devolve into a lot of superficial details, obligations,  and hurt feelings that take away from the happy, celebratory occasions that they should be. Don't go because you think that you must, go because you want to. If you think that she disrespected your BF, then don't go.