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Author Topic: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding  (Read 13019 times)

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Zizi-K

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2016, 03:07:44 PM »
OP, I don't think you're being petty.

Who knows why your BF wasn't invited? Well, the bride does, but she didn't see fit to contact you about an obvious breach of etiquette--that you invite people as social units who are living at social units. If she would have contacted you with an excuse about the venue size, budgetary limitations or whatever, apologized and said she wished she could invite your BF but hoped you could still make it-- you'd probably feel a lot better about the whole thing, and you'd probably attend without a second thought. But she didn't do this, and all of the speculation in the world about why your BF was omitted is just that--speculation. You can speculate generously (weddings are hard!) or you can speculate ungenerously (she's being cheap!), but you just don't know.

Now, it happens all the time that brides and grooms are not well-versed in the nuances of addressing invitations. There's a small chance your boyfriend is invited. I think its enough of a possibility to check in with some of your sorority sisters (maybe one who is married and one who is living with her BF) to see how their invitations arrived. If there is, then, some reason to suspect that maybe he is invited, you can certainly shoot her a text or email saying, "Hey, got your beautiful invitation! Just wanted to clarify, BF is not invited, is that correct? Just wanted to double check." There have been enough stories on here where people assumed their partners were not invited only to show up alone while everyone else brought their partners, because of some ambiguity in the way the invitation is written. I would only do this if you suspect some error.

But if you know for a fact that she meant to leave your boyfriend off, I think you have a couple of options: decline, or go alone. There are a lot of factors that might go in to this decision, and you can parse it any way you like.

As for the gift, wedding gifts are determined by: your financial means and your affection for the couple. I wouldn't fault you if your affection for the couple had declined, given their omitting your BF and not addressing that omission in a direct and kind way. So I don't think it is unreasonable that you might given someone who you've demoted in your affections from a good friend to an acquaintance. You've already, presumably, given her a bridal shower gift and spent money on the bachelorette party, so to give a slightly less generous gift for the wedding certainly isn't cheaping out.

mime

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2016, 03:27:18 PM »
Welcome OP!

So your reaction is probably colored by two things:
 Your friend has a history of being cheap and used to getting her own way (with a bit of drama added in for good measure?)
 You have recently taken a new step with your BF towards becoming a package-deal, and naturally want to be treated that way.

I can totally understand your reaction to the invitation. I think PPs have a good point about the timeline and that the invites may have gone out when you were less-serious and that you haven't been in close touch with each other for her to understand that there's a Long Term commitment taking shape with you and BF.

Also-- is it possible that the sorority sisters are all being invited as singles (unless actually married)? Marriage is where some people draw the line at social units because it is so cut-and-dried, and I've seen many cases where coworkers or old school friends all go to a wedding without their SOs, even spouses of many years (although I suppose the spouses were probably invited). It can't hurt to ask around to see what the deal is with other mutual friends in committed relationships.

I also understand the thoughts about the gift giving. I'd have some of that going through my mind as well. I totally agree with rose red on it: make sure your actions are kind and keep the unkind thoughts to yourself. If it helps: my DH (of 20+ years) and I have mostly-combined finances. If we were giving a gift as a family, then it comes from our shared money and the amount absolutely reflects that. If either of us is giving to a person or organization that is important only to one of us, then the money comes from our individual resources, and the amount is about half of what it could have been (he and I make about the same amount of money). So I understand and agree that if this is an event for you and not for BF, then you give a gift from your own resources since it is not a family event or family expenditure. Giving less than you originally budgeted sounds like it makes a lot of sense in this case.

I do think you should go to the wedding, though, as you were considering. Have fun with your friends at the wedding and if anyone asks about BF, just state matter-of-factly that he wasn't invited. It is even possible that another girl or two is also wondering why her own BF wasn't invited and this could make them feel better to know that they're not the only one.

After that, don't let the whole thing take up too much space in your mind. As time moves forward, you and BF will be treated as a permanent couple more and more regularly. This may just be an awkward transitional moment as your friend's perspective on your relationship is still evolving.    :-\


gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #17 on: August 09, 2016, 04:59:37 PM »
You have gotten some excellent advice in some very wise posts.

Consider also that you and your sorority sisters may actually have a lot more fun without having to take care of your boyfriends and husbands.  Sort of like how reunions are so different when just the alums are there.  I remember my daughter asking if her boyfriend could be invited to her brother's wedding -- I said, "I'm sure they'd be happy to let you bring him, but consider whether you really want him there -- you're going to want to be having fun with the other bridesmaids and your cousins, but he won't know anyone else there [and at the time he didn't speak much English], so you won't be able to leave him to do things with the other girls."  She'd never thought of that!  So I'd definitely find out if the others are planning on attending solo before you decide even to ask about BF.

I know that most people consider a cohabiting relationship a must-invite SO situation (I do, too).  But others consider it a gray area, which is more understandable than you might think: after all, some people who are very serious about each other are forced by circumstances to be in long-distance relationships, while others (not you) who are cohabiting are in a vague are-they-a-couple-or-more-like roommates? zone.  And that definitely goes for non-cohabiting "steadies."  There isn't a one-year rule; it's just a handy bright line you can use if you need to have some sort of cut-off.  Remember to that as engaged couples must be invited together, and couples do have the option to become engaged, their choice not to have done so has to be respected just as much as their choice to do so (if ever) will be -- i.e., if you want to be treated as a universally-recognized social unit, then become one.  If you aren't ready or don't want to do that, then consider that that has meaning from the other direction, too.

So I agree that the bride may have had so many different types of relationships to consider or such a limited number that she could invite that she may have simply decided to invite her girlfriends solo or not invite them at all, or something like that.  And even if she did commit an etiquette faux pas, I definitely wouldn't fling it in her face.  You said you all get along well; why would you assume she was trying to dis you? 

If you had reason to think that whoever sent out the invitations didn't know that you had moved in with your boyfriend, or that they do expect you to bring him (and just don't know how to address invitations), you could consider carefully asking (others have suggested wording) whether he is expected or not, being careful to assure them that you aren't fishing for an invitation, just making sure you aren't misunderstanding.  But if they say no, do not under any circumstances chastise her.  If she was wrong, then she was wrong, but it's not for you to school her.  Believe me, you will make some mistakes (knowingly or unknowingly) when you plan your own wedding -- everyone does.  Be as understanding and helpful as you hope your guests will be.

And that goes also for how you approach your gift decision.  You can give any size gift, but give it with love, not spite.  And please, please don't say the things you've said here to your other friends, much less the bride -- you will regret it.  I do understand how you feel, but I have to agree that it did sound awfully petty.

Zizi-K, I disagree about the advice that the bride should have, well, kind of JADEd about it, for all the usual reasons!  I think HCs just need to make their decision and go with it.  However, you addressed the overall issue for the OP very well:
Quote
You can speculate generously (weddings are hard!) or you can speculate ungenerously (she's being cheap!), but you just don't know.

Pooky582

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2016, 07:11:13 PM »
 I would be declining this invitation. But, since it is a good friend, I would also be sending a congratulatory card with said check around wedding time. That way, she will know you were still thinking about them and wishing them well. They know very well that you live together and that you are serious. I don't think it's alright to invite one person and not both in this situation.  I would not enjoy myself knowing my b/f was purposefully left off the list. Remember, this is someone they know and socially with often, and know that he lives with their friend.

And I know this is the petty part, but when OP and b/f get married, it would be bad etiquette to only invite her friend and not the husband. So why is a cohabitating couple treated differently? What if they had been living together ten years and never had intention of getting married? Where is the line?

And if OP is correct in saying that it's most likely a financial reason, then maybe they won't mind another decline.

Zizi-K

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #19 on: August 09, 2016, 08:27:34 PM »
You have gotten some excellent advice in some very wise posts.

Consider also that you and your sorority sisters may actually have a lot more fun without having to take care of your boyfriends and husbands.  Sort of like how reunions are so different when just the alums are there.  I remember my daughter asking if her boyfriend could be invited to her brother's wedding -- I said, "I'm sure they'd be happy to let you bring him, but consider whether you really want him there -- you're going to want to be having fun with the other bridesmaids and your cousins, but he won't know anyone else there [and at the time he didn't speak much English], so you won't be able to leave him to do things with the other girls."  She'd never thought of that!  So I'd definitely find out if the others are planning on attending solo before you decide even to ask about BF.

I know that most people consider a cohabiting relationship a must-invite SO situation (I do, too).  But others consider it a gray area, which is more understandable than you might think: after all, some people who are very serious about each other are forced by circumstances to be in long-distance relationships, while others (not you) who are cohabiting are in a vague are-they-a-couple-or-more-like roommates? zone.  And that definitely goes for non-cohabiting "steadies."  There isn't a one-year rule; it's just a handy bright line you can use if you need to have some sort of cut-off.  Remember to that as engaged couples must be invited together, and couples do have the option to become engaged, their choice not to have done so has to be respected just as much as their choice to do so (if ever) will be -- i.e., if you want to be treated as a universally-recognized social unit, then become one.  If you aren't ready or don't want to do that, then consider that that has meaning from the other direction, too.

So I agree that the bride may have had so many different types of relationships to consider or such a limited number that she could invite that she may have simply decided to invite her girlfriends solo or not invite them at all, or something like that.  And even if she did commit an etiquette faux pas, I definitely wouldn't fling it in her face.  You said you all get along well; why would you assume she was trying to dis you? 

If you had reason to think that whoever sent out the invitations didn't know that you had moved in with your boyfriend, or that they do expect you to bring him (and just don't know how to address invitations), you could consider carefully asking (others have suggested wording) whether he is expected or not, being careful to assure them that you aren't fishing for an invitation, just making sure you aren't misunderstanding.  But if they say no, do not under any circumstances chastise her.  If she was wrong, then she was wrong, but it's not for you to school her.  Believe me, you will make some mistakes (knowingly or unknowingly) when you plan your own wedding -- everyone does.  Be as understanding and helpful as you hope your guests will be.

And that goes also for how you approach your gift decision.  You can give any size gift, but give it with love, not spite.  And please, please don't say the things you've said here to your other friends, much less the bride -- you will regret it.  I do understand how you feel, but I have to agree that it did sound awfully petty.

Zizi-K, I disagree about the advice that the bride should have, well, kind of JADEd about it, for all the usual reasons!  I think HCs just need to make their decision and go with it.  However, you addressed the overall issue for the OP very well:
Quote
You can speculate generously (weddings are hard!) or you can speculate ungenerously (she's being cheap!), but you just don't know.

I agree completely that it might be more fun to go alone and have fun with the sorority sisters. Something to consider.

But I disagree about my scenario with the bride being JADEing. I think of JADEing as something you do in response to being questioned. If the bride would have freely offered up something proactively, I think that's a different thing. I also don't think there's is (or should be) such a hard and fast rule against JADEing. It's highly dependent on the relationship you have with someone. If I decline an invitation for a milestone birthday, for example, from a friendly acquaintance, I generally would not give an excuse. It would just be, "Sorry, wish we could make it!" But if I can't attend my own mother's milestone birthday? That would be pretty awful of me (given our very good relationship) just to be like "Sorry, catch you next time!"  In any case, the bride is doing something unusual to rude, depending on your perspective, by not inviting the OP's boyfriend. Most people can anticipate that this decision might cause some hard or hurt feelings. Her being proactive in addressing it would go a long way to smoothing things over. This is, of course, speculation, given that the bride has not addressed it at all, leaving the OP to experience some hard and hurt feelings.

Runningstar

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #20 on: August 09, 2016, 08:54:01 PM »
I hope that you go to the wedding, and have a great time.   Give what you want to. 

RainyDays

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #21 on: August 09, 2016, 09:10:58 PM »
OP, did you know the date of the wedding ahead of time? Had it been assumed, this whole time, that you would be going (meaning, at the shower/bachelorette party/when you saw your friend since her engagement)? If yes, then I would still go. To decline after all that, that would definitely put a strain on the friendship.

I understand your disappointment. Perhaps you should bring that up to your friend sometime in the future, about how much it hurt -- maybe there's a side you don't know (although I wouldn't bring it up with the bride before the wedding). And if it was just obliviousness on her part, it would give her the opportunity to apologize and for you to move past it, instead of staying resentful.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #22 on: August 10, 2016, 06:19:47 AM »
Given that (a) you and your SO are living together; and (b) the Bride has met him on several occasions, I do think she ought to have invited him. Whether she meant to or not, it definitely comes across as a snub, to me.

That said, I too wonder whether the other partners of the sorority sisters are invited? I have heard of people inviting co-workers to their wedding, but not their spouses. I don't agree with that personally, but other people don't seem to have an issue with it - the idea is that the co-workers (or in this case, sorority sisters) will all sit together since they know each other, and have a great time without their partners. (And yes, the Happy Couple gets to save on some costs!).

OP, this is what I'd do: attend the wedding, but give a small gift only. Aside from the fact that your SO wasn't invited, you probably spent money on the Bride's bridal shower gift, and possible drinks/entertainment at her bachelorette, right? So I think a small gift / cheque is perfectly acceptable here.

And I'd also keep my eyes open at this wedding. If it turns out the Bride has invited the boyfriends of other girls there (and yours was the only one not invited), I'd definitely pull back on this friendship.

Margo

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #23 on: August 10, 2016, 07:55:30 AM »
If you didn't already know tha date of the wedding, then I'd be inclined to decline due to a prior committment, and send a card and gift.

If you've known the date for a long time then that is much harder, and in those circumstances I aould agree with the suggestion to contact the MoH or a bridesmaid to ask whether they know if your partner was left off the invitation accidentally.

if you do decide to go, i think that you are fine to plan for, and give a gift that you as a single individual cna easily afford. There is no right or wrong amount to give and presumably if you went to her bechelorette you'e already given her a gift.
I thin kthat, depending on you friendship, you could raise it at a later stage to let her know it did hurt you that shexcluded your partner.

equally - you're looking at how offended she may be, but it is reasonable also to think about her actions and how they make you feel. If she does something rude or thoughtless and that results in you chosing not to go to the wedding, then that is as much her responsibility as yours.

I find as I get older I have less tolerance for, or willing to accommododate one-sided friendships or sensitivities. I've dound that isome cases, it is mostly thoughtlessness, and actually being willing to tell the other person how  you feel and how their actions affected you can behelpful.  In other cases, it has meannt that a friendship has petered out, and I cannot say I have regretted that.

Elisabunny

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #24 on: August 10, 2016, 10:46:21 AM »

And I know this is the petty part, but when OP and b/f get married, it would be bad etiquette to only invite her friend and not the husband. So why is a cohabitating couple treated differently? What if they had been living together ten years and never had intention of getting married? Where is the line?


Because a married couple is legally (and spiritually, if you are religious) a single unit.  They have made a legally-recognized commitment to each other.  An engaged couple has made it known that they are planning that commitment.  A cohabiting couple who has chosen not to get married, not even in the common-law sense, cannot say the same.
 
You must remember this: a ghoti is still a fish...

rose red

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #25 on: August 10, 2016, 11:01:32 AM »

And I know this is the petty part, but when OP and b/f get married, it would be bad etiquette to only invite her friend and not the husband. So why is a cohabitating couple treated differently? What if they had been living together ten years and never had intention of getting married? Where is the line?


Because a married couple is legally (and spiritually, if you are religious) a single unit.  They have made a legally-recognized commitment to each other.  An engaged couple has made it known that they are planning that commitment.  A cohabiting couple who has chosen not to get married, not even in the common-law sense, cannot say the same.
 

Also, a couple living (or even dating!) together for ten years is not the same. Like others pointed out, the OP only just started dating when the HC were perhaps already planning and putting down deposits. It would be nice if they can squeeze him in, but we don't know what is happening. We don't even know if other guests' SO are invited either.

gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #26 on: August 10, 2016, 12:15:58 PM »
I'm troubled by the idea of the OP making her decision about attending based primarily on the HC's not having invited her boyfriend.  I suppose that if the expense of attending this wedding will mean she can't attend something else that the two of them would do together, or if she just plain doesn't think she will enjoy it if she goes solo, then it makes sense. 

But not just because of the bride's having breached etiquette in not inviting him (even if that weren't a debatable point).  I don't think that retaliation or pique is a healthy way to approach relationships, especially, as here, with someone you really like.  It reminds me of the occasional post about refusing to attend an event if the hosts address the envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or send one invitation to adult children and their parents and the like.  I get it about being PO'd about such things, but it always strikes me as so petty to refuse to attend over it, and I wonder if the posters really would do that.

So let's say that yes, bride was wrong and even rude not to invite Boyfriend.  I understand it hurting or offending, but if you want to go to the wedding, why cut off your nose to spite your face?  It's not like she shot him -- at most it's an etiquette breach; the OP has made very clear that that HC likes Boyfriend and the OP herself -- there is no reason to assume malice or intentional offense. 

So, OP, I would separate the strands out here.  If you want to be friends with Bride and you want to attend the wedding, then go, and have fun.  You might carefully inquire to make sure that Boyfriend isn't in fact expected, but if he isn't, then just decide what you want to do.  Maybe ask yourself whether you would attend solo if he were invited but had a conflict, and then do that.

If you feel it's necessary, address the issue of his non-invite separately (if at all), preferably after the wedding -- certainly not at it!  If you accept the invitation, you have the duty to be a gracious guest, no matter what others do.


sammycat

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #27 on: August 10, 2016, 07:41:13 PM »
(she can be overly sensitive and was notorious in college for putting on a tough persona only to crumble and cry/play victim when called out on her behavior or when she didn't get her way).
After some discussion my BF, I am leaning towards attending for the sake of our friendship

I would not attend.

The bride will apparently be offended if OP doesn't attend.  Yet BTB doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she's being more offensive by not inviting the OP's live-in partner/bf.  The boyfriend isn't a stranger to the BTB, or the OP's latest flavour of the month. Not inviting him then would be understandable. She's been on numerous double dates with him and OP for heaven's sake. 

If I attended this wedding I'd feel both offended and resentful.  I'll attend events that I'm not particularly keen on for people I care about.  But this is definitely a case where I would not be prioritising the BTB's feelings/wants over my own relation.ship and feelings.  The BTB sounds a bit too much like hard work anyway and rather manipulative. I don't waste my time on those sorts of people.  Only attending to stop her from being upset and/or offended wouldn't be a good enough reason to attend.  If she's prepared to let the friendship die over that then it wasn't worth trying to maintain and likely would've died off soon enough anyway.

2)I don't come from a culture where the cost of the gift has anything to do with the number of people who attend the wedding or the cost of the event. It's instead a personal decision you make based on your finances and relationship with the couple. So I'd give a gift from you to them since your BF was not invited. There is no reason your BF should be involved in this gift.

Pod.  I find the notion that the value of the present is determined by the number of people on the invitation/attending to be odd. It's only something I've come across here.

Maria16

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #28 on: August 10, 2016, 08:08:11 PM »
Out of your 10 closest other friends/sorority sisters attending, who are unmarried/not engaged, are they bringing their boyfriend? Use that as a barometer- like are certain girls invited with their boyfriend because they are closer with the bride to be? If so, then it would be fair to reconsider attending if it seems she doesn't rank your friendship as highly as some others. If you can overlook this issue and have fun with the other single, for the evening, girls there then you should attend, but that is unlikely. If it will be all couples and you, I would definitely skip.
I'm sure they aren't basing their financial future on your boyfriend's paycheck so don't worry about that part. Send the gift that you can afford and feel is appropriate.

VorFemme

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #29 on: August 10, 2016, 08:41:00 PM »
Ack - - this is not as easy a "call" as it might look at first glance...the various etiquette "umpires" ahead of me have all brought up various points to consider.

In the end, it boils down to the OP's being the one who knows the HC.  She is the only one who can contact either the BTB or members of the wedding party (who might have helped address those invitations) as to whether or not the other sorority sisters are invited with or without their live-in, a formally betrothed fiancÚ, or a spouse.  If they are and she is not...well, that would incline me to think twice about going...whether by myself or with her SO, if it turns out that the invitation was awkwardly worded & he is expected.

Did the OP know the actual date back at the time of the engagement party, hen nights, or shower - or was that information finalized only in the final invitation?  Because I have been in the situation of being told that something would be the XX weekend of month only to have something go crosswise in the planning and the final date in the invitation was a different date (long story).  And other plans had been made for the weekends around that event that could not be changed to free the time for that invitation (work event was one of them & it would not have gone over well at all for me to miss it).  So we ended up not going to the event that changed dates to overlap other plans...and we got flack from the event we missed as well as flack from even considering changing the existing commitment. 

Catch-22, danged if you do and danged if you don't really does apply to a lot of situations.  It sounds like the BTB will take it personally if you don't show up to her wedding "just because your then-BF wasn't added to her wedding plans months before you two moved in together" and she won't take it well that you had other plans for the time of her wedding, no matter why you didn't have the information earlier to keep that time free (becase the invitation came *after* other plans were made.  There you were, thinking that you were leaving *her wedding day/night/weekend* free, and you were caught up in something that meant you have existing plans that (at least potentially) overlap *her wedding*.

I guess the final thing to consider, is this:  do you and your SO consider the HC someone that you want and expect to be friends with in five years, ten years, twenty years, or longer?  Or do you already see your interests diverging and your future "friendship" cooling and distancing over the next year or two?

Because if this is already taking more work to keep it going than you two want to put into it, is it worth keeping the BTB "happy" to avoid drama now, expecting the friendship to keep going? 

Or would you two be just as happy not dealing with this situation and future drama?  Pleading a previous engagement on that weekend and sending a card & gift (whatever size you two want to send) is one way of dealing with things - but whatever you do - be prepared for there to be some fallout with the HC as friends or acquaintances, even if you haven't applied a "nuclear option".  Weddings tend to be considered very important events and missing one, no matter why, is going to take a very good explanation to get "forgiveness" from most people, even if they aren't Drama Llamas.

I still remember finding a wedding invitation two years after the wedding (it came in while I was out of town and there was no mention of it having come in from VorGuy until after the wedding, when I was asked why we hadn't come)...I am not sure to this day if they believe me (that I never saw the invitation in time to make plans to go).
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?