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Author Topic: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding  (Read 13009 times)

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #30 on: August 11, 2016, 06:06:11 AM »
I'm troubled by the idea of the OP making her decision about attending based primarily on the HC's not having invited her boyfriend.  I suppose that if the expense of attending this wedding will mean she can't attend something else that the two of them would do together, or if she just plain doesn't think she will enjoy it if she goes solo, then it makes sense. 

But not just because of the bride's having breached etiquette in not inviting him (even if that weren't a debatable point).  I don't think that retaliation or pique is a healthy way to approach relationships, especially, as here, with someone you really like.  It reminds me of the occasional post about refusing to attend an event if the hosts address the envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or send one invitation to adult children and their parents and the like.  I get it about being PO'd about such things, but it always strikes me as so petty to refuse to attend over it, and I wonder if the posters really would do that.



I dunno, I don't always think it's about pettiness and/or retaliation. When someone snubs you (or your SO, in this case), or otherwise does something a bit rude and disrespectful, it's ok to put down some boundaries. Or at the very least, re-evaluate the friendship.

To use the envelope example - imagine if you (general you) have married but kept your maiden name, and made it clear to your friends that you want to be addressed by your maiden name. Imagine if you have politely corrected one particular friend many times on this point. And then she gets engaged and addresses your wedding invitation to "Mr and Mrs John Smith". I'd be pretty annoyed, and I'd definitely question the friendship. At the very least, if she can't be bothered remembering something that is important to me (like being called by my own name), or worse, is doing it on purpose to make a point, I'd re-evaluate how close we really were.  And if that involves deciding not to attend her wedding, so be it.

gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #31 on: August 11, 2016, 08:52:59 AM »
I'm troubled by the idea of the OP making her decision about attending based primarily on the HC's not having invited her boyfriend.  I suppose that if the expense of attending this wedding will mean she can't attend something else that the two of them would do together, or if she just plain doesn't think she will enjoy it if she goes solo, then it makes sense. 

But not just because of the bride's having breached etiquette in not inviting him (even if that weren't a debatable point).  I don't think that retaliation or pique is a healthy way to approach relationships, especially, as here, with someone you really like.  It reminds me of the occasional post about refusing to attend an event if the hosts address the envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or send one invitation to adult children and their parents and the like.  I get it about being PO'd about such things, but it always strikes me as so petty to refuse to attend over it, and I wonder if the posters really would do that.






I dunno, I don't always think it's about pettiness and/or retaliation. When someone snubs you (or your SO, in this case), or otherwise does something a bit rude and disrespectful, it's ok to put down some boundaries. Or at the very least, re-evaluate the friendship.

To use the envelope example - imagine if you (general you) have married but kept your maiden name, and made it clear to your friends that you want to be addressed by your maiden name. Imagine if you have politely corrected one particular friend many times on this point. And then she gets engaged and addresses your wedding invitation to "Mr and Mrs John Smith". I'd be pretty annoyed, and I'd definitely question the friendship. At the very least, if she can't be bothered remembering something that is important to me (like being called by my own name), or worse, is doing it on purpose to make a point, I'd re-evaluate how close we really were.  And if that involves deciding not to attend her wedding, so be it.

That very thing has indeed happened to me!
And it is extremely annoying. 
But I can't say it's ever been malicious.   It's usually just due to how very hard it is to keep track of hundreds of people's preferences.  I'm amazed at how close some of the people who goof up our names are -- and we e been married 34 years, and I've never used any other name than my own since birth.  I have made the same mistake myself, even though I'm hyper sensitive to the issue.  The other common reason is someone just trying too hard d to "formal up" terms of address, KWIM?
Anyway, although I do agree that if someone is willfully ignoring your choice, that's weird, and I'd wonder if there's some hostility going on.  But it's a friend or relative, who likes me enough to invite me, right?  So probably not.  Even if so, and even if I were plenty annoyed, I don't think I'd boycott their wedding over it.

So same here.  We don't know what the reason Boyfriend's name isn't on the invitation.  He could actually be invited, or it could be a complete snub, or they may not know or agree that unengaged SOs are social units.  Or, and this is my guess, the HC may be dealing with limited space or funds and dozens of young, single guests who are in all different types of relationships and they were having so much trouble figuring out a coherent guideline that would work not just in theory but with their specific group that they threw up their hands and just said "engaged or married only" or even "no spouses"!

An objective rule doesn't always solve things.  Suppose you decide to include all SOs who cohabit or have been SOs for one year.   Sounds good!  But then you look at your group and see that applies to 8 of 12, and one has a SO of 10 months and one of 6 months and one in a new relationship.  Not so easy anymore.

Alicia

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #32 on: August 11, 2016, 09:27:11 AM »
Traditional you became a social unit by engagement or marriage. Up till then it is a grey area with so many variables that no there is not an obligation to invite short of engagement even if it would have been nice.
If you want to attend do so. Give a gift based on your budget and affection for the couple.

Pooky582

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #33 on: August 11, 2016, 11:05:05 AM »

And I know this is the petty part, but when OP and b/f get married, it would be bad etiquette to only invite her friend and not the husband. So why is a cohabitating couple treated differently? What if they had been living together ten years and never had intention of getting married? Where is the line?


Because a married couple is legally (and spiritually, if you are religious) a single unit.  They have made a legally-recognized commitment to each other.  An engaged couple has made it known that they are planning that commitment.  A cohabiting couple who has chosen not to get married, not even in the common-law sense, cannot say the same.
 

Also, a couple living (or even dating!) together for ten years is not the same. Like others pointed out, the OP only just started dating when the HC were perhaps already planning and putting down deposits. It would be nice if they can squeeze him in, but we don't know what is happening. We don't even know if other guests' SO are invited either.

If no SO's are invited, because she wants all the sorority sisters together, that's one thing. But unless the bride has discussed that with them all in advance, how is the OP supposed to know? And etiquette also says you aren't supposed to fish for invitation, so she is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

There are extenuating circumstances all of the time. If I started dating and subsequently married within a year of knowing my SO, but the couple getting married never met him, my new husband is expected to be invited. But, another couple, who've been apart of their lives for years, have lived together for years, aren't considered a unit, and therefore, do not warrant an invitation for both? That doesn't make sense. I didn't choose my guests to my wedding based on legality. Claiming that unless you are engaged or married, your relationship isn't legitimate, is insulting. My now husband and I were invited to, and attended, four weddings before we were engaged, but we lived together. All of them considered us a unit. And when we invited our friends with SO's who did not yet live together, we sent the SO their own invitation. We didn't leave them out just because they happen to not live together or be engaged yet.

I understand the need for cutting costs, or simply being cheap, as the OP said may be the case. But there are other ways to do that, then. Inviting half of a couple isn't how you save money, especially if the invitee is a good friend. If you feel the need to do that, maybe neither person should be inivted.


So, if the OP and boyfriend are someone the HC often socialize with, and will likely continue to do so after the wedding, my personal feeling is that it is awkward and rude to not include both.


Edited to fix a spelling mistake.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2016, 11:07:40 AM by Pooky582 »

rose red

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #34 on: August 11, 2016, 11:20:16 AM »
^ I think you misunderstood me (maybe I didn't write clearly). A couple dating for a while is of course a unit and invitations should be for both. Thatís not the same as a couple who just stared dating.

I donít know what the deal is with this bride, but itís tossed out there that when she started planning the wedding, she didnít plan room for the OPís new BF. Now that they are living together, sheís in a difficult position. Or there may be some other reason. Who knows unless the OP ask?

So the OP needs to decide. Ask? RSVP "no?" Go alone and be happy for a friend? Just don't go with a bad attitude.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2016, 11:24:12 AM by rose red »

LtPowers

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2016, 02:39:57 PM »
Traditional you became a social unit by engagement or marriage. Up till then it is a grey area with so many variables that no there is not an obligation to invite short of engagement even if it would have been nice.
If you want to attend do so. Give a gift based on your budget and affection for the couple.

Miss Manners, never one to pry into individuals' private lives, considers cohabiting couples to be effectively engaged, even if not officially so. They are a social unit.


Powers  &8^]

rigs32

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #36 on: August 11, 2016, 05:32:59 PM »
Perhaps many of you would find me petty as I would not attend this wedding if I were the OP.

While we can debate the requirements for inviting social units, they have met and spent time with the BF on many occasions.  To not invite him seems like a snub.  I'd rather not be invited to a wedding than invited without my long term SO.

I also don't think declining should be troubling.  I see the flip side - if I attend solo and pretend like it's no big deal when I'm hurt, that seems like very passive or doormatty (I know that's not a real word) behavior to me. 

kudeebee

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #37 on: August 11, 2016, 11:18:38 PM »
I think the only way you are going to find out if SO is invited is to ask the HC, probably the btb.

It could be, as others have stated, that they only invited the sorority sisters and not their so's if they aren't engaged or married.
Maybe your so is invited and the hc assume that you know that even though the invitation is only addressed to you.

A pp poster gave some wording that you could use if you call the btb and ask.  I wouldn't call bridesmaids as they most likely won't know who was/wasn't invited.  I wouldn't call other sorority sister's either--that could be an awkward conversation.


Twik

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #38 on: August 17, 2016, 01:19:16 PM »
Something I find rather odd here:

We moved in together in May.  Since we've began cohabiting I've been to her bridal shower, bachelorette party and we've gone on numerous double dates with them in our hometown and their state.  They know.

This is more than simply a friend of the bride now has a partner. They've socialized with the couple repeatedly, then invited only *one* of the couple to the wedding.

This appears to be extreme cluelessness, if not worse. It's pretty well the epitome of "not done."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

auntmeegs

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #39 on: August 17, 2016, 02:34:36 PM »
Something I find rather odd here:

We moved in together in May.  Since we've began cohabiting I've been to her bridal shower, bachelorette party and we've gone on numerous double dates with them in our hometown and their state.  They know.

This is more than simply a friend of the bride now has a partner. They've socialized with the couple repeatedly, then invited only *one* of the couple to the wedding.

This appears to be extreme cluelessness, if not worse. It's pretty well the epitome of "not done."

POD to this!  And if they are really trying to keep costs down and only include fiancťs and spouses, Friend should have called the OP to explain why her live-in partner, whom she has met and socialized with, could not be included. 
This happened with my cousin.  Her fiancť has a huge extended family and the numbers were getting overwhelming.  Her mother called and explained the situation and asked if my sister and I would be upset if they only invited us and not our husbands.  We totally understood and were not the least bit upset.  And also GIRL'S WEEKEND!

Winterlight

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #40 on: August 17, 2016, 05:17:09 PM »
Welcome OP!

So your reaction is probably colored by two things:
 Your friend has a history of being cheap and used to getting her own way (with a bit of drama added in for good measure?)
 You have recently taken a new step with your BF towards becoming a package-deal, and naturally want to be treated that way.

I can totally understand your reaction to the invitation. I think PPs have a good point about the timeline and that the invites may have gone out when you were less-serious and that you haven't been in close touch with each other for her to understand that there's a Long Term commitment taking shape with you and BF.

Also-- is it possible that the sorority sisters are all being invited as singles (unless actually married)? Marriage is where some people draw the line at social units because it is so cut-and-dried, and I've seen many cases where coworkers or old school friends all go to a wedding without their SOs, even spouses of many years (although I suppose the spouses were probably invited). It can't hurt to ask around to see what the deal is with other mutual friends in committed relationships.

I also understand the thoughts about the gift giving. I'd have some of that going through my mind as well. I totally agree with rose red on it: make sure your actions are kind and keep the unkind thoughts to yourself. If it helps: my DH (of 20+ years) and I have mostly-combined finances. If we were giving a gift as a family, then it comes from our shared money and the amount absolutely reflects that. If either of us is giving to a person or organization that is important only to one of us, then the money comes from our individual resources, and the amount is about half of what it could have been (he and I make about the same amount of money). So I understand and agree that if this is an event for you and not for BF, then you give a gift from your own resources since it is not a family event or family expenditure. Giving less than you originally budgeted sounds like it makes a lot of sense in this case.

I do think you should go to the wedding, though, as you were considering. Have fun with your friends at the wedding and if anyone asks about BF, just state matter-of-factly that he wasn't invited. It is even possible that another girl or two is also wondering why her own BF wasn't invited and this could make them feel better to know that they're not the only one.

After that, don't let the whole thing take up too much space in your mind. As time moves forward, you and BF will be treated as a permanent couple more and more regularly. This may just be an awkward transitional moment as your friend's perspective on your relationship is still evolving.    :-\

I agree with this. Go if you want to, have fun with your friends.
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Twik

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #41 on: August 19, 2016, 02:32:18 PM »
If it were me, I wouldn't have much fun socializing with boors who felt my SO was good enough to hang out with, but not a real "friend".
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #42 on: August 19, 2016, 03:08:23 PM »
If it were me, I wouldn't have much fun socializing with boors who felt my SO was good enough to hang out with, but not a real "friend".

But why would that make them "boors"?  Would you call them that if they felt that way about your best friend or your beloved sister?  Would you refuse to socialize with them if they didn't include your best friend or dear sister, even though they know and have hung out with them?

Yes, I know, etiquette doesn't require them to invite your friend or sister, as it does your spouse or fiance (and in some cases and according to some authorities your boy/girlfriend), to most social events.  So they haven't committed an etiquette no-no by not inviting BFF or Sis. 

But it's still a matter of someone who is important to you and that you are crazy about just not being a "friend" to them as well.  Most of us have plenty of contexts -- book groups, teammates, work friends, etc. -- where we rarely socialize with and in fact don't even particularly care about their SOs, certainly not as much as we do them.  I.e., we don't consider the SOs "friends."   I don't see how that makes anyone a boor.

Twik

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #43 on: August 24, 2016, 11:22:56 AM »
Traditional you became a social unit by engagement or marriage. Up till then it is a grey area with so many variables that no there is not an obligation to invite short of engagement even if it would have been nice.
If you want to attend do so. Give a gift based on your budget and affection for the couple.

Miss Manners, never one to pry into individuals' private lives, considers cohabiting couples to be effectively engaged, even if not officially so. They are a social unit.


Powers  &8^]

Agreed. It's rather odd to claim that two people living together as partners are not "social units" in a society where marriage and engagement are now being treated as options. The only grey area I could see would be "are these people partners or merely sharing living quarters?" and if you don't know them well enough to tell that, you might not want to invite them to your wedding anyway.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

wolfie

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #44 on: August 24, 2016, 11:28:04 AM »
Traditional you became a social unit by engagement or marriage. Up till then it is a grey area with so many variables that no there is not an obligation to invite short of engagement even if it would have been nice.
If you want to attend do so. Give a gift based on your budget and affection for the couple.

Miss Manners, never one to pry into individuals' private lives, considers cohabiting couples to be effectively engaged, even if not officially so. They are a social unit.


Powers  &8^]

Agreed. It's rather odd to claim that two people living together as partners are not "social units" in a society where marriage and engagement are now being treated as options. The only grey area I could see would be "are these people partners or merely sharing living quarters?" and if you don't know them well enough to tell that, you might not want to invite them to your wedding anyway.

there is also something odd about celebrating your partnership by telling other people their partners don't matter.