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Author Topic: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding  (Read 12946 times)

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Huh

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #60 on: September 01, 2016, 09:06:32 AM »
If you are angry he wasn't invited and don't want to go without BF, then don't go. Send a check and a card of congratulations just from you. If she asks why, tell her your BF wasn't invited and you'd rather not go to it without him. You said she'll get mad if you don't go and your relationship will be messed up, you're already mad that he wasn't invited and your relationship is messed up. So...

If however, you are only temporarily mad and will get over it (I am like this) then go and have a fun mini-reunion with the other sorority sisters, and again, bring a check and card of congratulations just from you, because you were the only one invited. And whenever you do get married, make a mental note to invite all couples, or give singles a plus one, or whatever.

Me personally, I would go (as I said I get mad and get over it) and have a fun girls-only night with my friends. Honestly, my ex would never go to weddings or would sulk and make me miserable and leave early if he did go, and DH will go to weddings because he loves me and understands it's a social obligation, but given a choice, he would rather not go. And my guy friends express similar thoughts, so my thought is your BF may not be too sad about not being invited.

gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #61 on: September 01, 2016, 12:24:38 PM »
If you are angry he wasn't invited and don't want to go without BF, then don't go. Send a check and a card of congratulations just from you. If she asks why, tell her your BF wasn't invited and you'd rather not go to it without him. You said she'll get mad if you don't go and your relationship will be messed up, you're already mad that he wasn't invited and your relationship is messed up. So...

If however, you are only temporarily mad and will get over it (I am like this) then go and have a fun mini-reunion with the other sorority sisters, and again, bring a check and card of congratulations just from you, because you were the only one invited. And whenever you do get married, make a mental note to invite all couples, or give singles a plus one, or whatever.

Me personally, I would go (as I said I get mad and get over it) and have a fun girls-only night with my friends. Honestly, my ex would never go to weddings or would sulk and make me miserable and leave early if he did go, and DH will go to weddings because he loves me and understands it's a social obligation, but given a choice, he would rather not go. And my guy friends express similar thoughts, so my thought is your BF may not be too sad about not being invited.

This is a very good post.

It clarifies that there are two questions here:

1) Were the hosts/HC rude or otherwise wrong not to invite the OP's boyfriend?

2) What should the OP do -- go without him or stay home?  (Assuming she either checks and finds out that he is not expected or that she just assumes he isn't.)

I think that the answer to #2 should not depend upon the answer to #1.  Even if you do feel that they were rude or unkind not to invite him, I wouldn't boycott or punish over it as if it were the only factor in the decision whether to attend.  (If you want to give a smaller gift than if he were invited -- not to punish, just because you feel you'd give less from one than from two -- that's okay.)

Not because opinions differ, but because if she just doesn't feel like going alone, then she doesn't have to -- whether they were right or wrong not to invite him.  And if she does feel like going, then she should -- whether they were right or wrong not to invite him.

OP, maybe look at it the same as if he were invited but couldn't or didn't want to attend.  Would you still want to go?  Then go.  If not, then don't.

Personally, even if I found out that the girls were all expected to bring dates, or if I were a married guest whose husband was invited, I'd still check with the others to see what most of the are doing.  It might well be a lot more fun if it's just the girls -- certainly it wouldn't be much fun to be the only one there with a guy in tow.

AzaleaBloom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #62 on: September 02, 2016, 09:10:57 AM »
I was once in a wedding, and the bride had made noises about me bringing my boyfriend (now husband).  When I got the invitation, his name was not on it.  Since I considered myself close to her, I simply sent her a quick text and checked to see whether or not he was invited - while making it clear it was fine either way.

Turns out the bride thought the the RSVP card saying "number attending" made it perfectly clear that he was invited.  I gently pointed out to her that without his name on the envelope, it actually wasn't clear.

If you are as close to this bride as you say you are, then just ask.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #63 on: September 03, 2016, 02:50:47 AM »
I'm curious as to how the "married or engaged couples only as a benchmark" works when the couple is question are unmarried, but cohabiting and have children together (and let's assume that this wedding is kid-friendly, and children of married guests would normally be invited).

Would it really be ok (from a strict etiquette point of view) to invite your friend and her children, but not her partner? Or do you invite just your friend (and not the partner and kids)? How would this work?

gellchom

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #64 on: September 03, 2016, 07:09:06 AM »
I'm curious as to how the "married or engaged couples only as a benchmark" works when the couple is question are unmarried, but cohabiting and have children together (and let's assume that this wedding is kid-friendly, and children of married guests would normally be invited).

Would it really be ok (from a strict etiquette point of view) to invite your friend and her children, but not her partner? Or do you invite just your friend (and not the partner and kids)? How would this work?

Perfect illustration of the reason for the principle of looking at your actual group first, then deciding what benchmark makes sense for this event.

And, very important: remember that in any case it's only a minimum.   You don't even always have to be consistent, certainly when you're dealing with separate groups:  your single college buddy is unlikely to feel discriminated against because you didn't let her bring a date just because your cousin and unmarried partner of twenty years and their three children are there (assuming she even knows their marital status).  Weddings often include children who are relatives but not all guests' children.   In your example, feels to me like that group would be invited as a family anyway, not as a couple.

I'd even feel very different about decisions and even requests to invite relatives' fairly serious boy/girlfriends even if not all single guests' are, especially if the family is spread out.  In our family, that request means, "Looks like we are headed for marriage ourselves; time for Petunia and the family to meet each other." 

I think it's really only a problem within a group of similarly situated people who know each other -- like these sorority sisters.  Which gets me right back to looking at the real group, not starting with an abstract benchmark, and then you'll know what to do.

TootsNYC

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #65 on: September 03, 2016, 04:32:09 PM »
People can have whatever standard or cutoff they want, and married or engaged couples is one that makes sense to a lot of people.  But to me, the bottom line is this:  the friend has socialized with the OP and her boyfriend, several times, and knows they live together and that he isn't just a flavor of the month.  This warranted at least a phone call or an email to the OP explaining why her SO was not invited to the wedding.

Yes, this would make someone automatically on the list, no matter what the official status was.

Do I have a relationship with this person?

greencat

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Re: SO not Invited to Friends Wedding
« Reply #66 on: September 29, 2016, 03:28:47 PM »
I had to deal with a similar situation recently, and I feel grateful to EHell for letting me be able to establish to my boyfriend that "Your name is the only one on the envelope, it doesn't say +1 or 'and guest,' I've only met the groom twice and the bride once, the invitation is only for you."  Yes, for most purposes we are a social unit, but in this case we aren't qualifying.