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  • November 23, 2017, 04:33:15 PM

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Author Topic: What is your perception of this word and its inclusion on a wedding invitation?  (Read 8913 times)

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Sharnita

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In my early 40s - I find this offensive and it would be the end of any invitations that I accepted from these people.

I'm curious - do you literally mean that you would decline to attend any event for this family for the rest of your life?  No baby showers, birthday parties, graduations, holidays, anniversaries, etc. ever?

I'm wondering the same thing. It's very easy to judge some random couple you will never meet and only read about on the internet. But would you (general you) feel the same about a cousin, sibling, best friend, godchild, niece/nephew, etc. for making one clueless joke?

eta: I'm in my 40's and took it in the "uncool" meaning. I seriously doubt they even thought of the disabled meaning.

Yes. I did mean that. And even the "uncool" meaning quite frankly offends me. If I decline, I have a reason for it. We say that invitations aren't a summons. Calling names or delivering insults because people exercise the option of declining an invitation will damage relationships. And if they are willing to insult me or other people over that, I don't want to involve myself in future invitations.

Sharnita

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)


rose red

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)

We'll have to agree to disagree. I can't wrap my mind around ending friendships or cut off family when there is no offence meant. And I'm glad I won't be cut off if I ever do (and have done) something clueless but not deliberately malicious. But we are all different people with different life experiences so....agree to disagree if the best way to go.

VorFemme

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Bad choice of phrasing - if you're going to do a formal event, stick to formal phrasing.

Did they think of how the invitation will look in their wedding album in a few years?  Nope, or they'd have stuck to something that won't look **** (whatever the new "in" word choice might be in 2025 for "so last generation" with an eye roll thrown in by the teenagers who don't remember going to the same wedding when they were four or five years old).
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

Surianne

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)

No, I wouldn't think it was reasonable to cool a relationship over simple joking or teasing, unless there was some other background or malicious intent.  Joking like this from someone I already like wouldn't even be a blip in my radar.

Sharnita

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)

No, I wouldn't think it was reasonable to cool a relationship over simple joking or teasing, unless there was some other background or malicious intent.  Joking like this from someone I already like wouldn't even be a blip in my radar.

I guess I don't think of insulting people as "simple joking or teasing".

HannahGrace

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)

No, I wouldn't think it was reasonable to cool a relationship over simple joking or teasing, unless there was some other background or malicious intent.  Joking like this from someone I already like wouldn't even be a blip in my radar.

I guess I don't think of insulting people as "simple joking or teasing".

This isn't an insult against any person in particular. It's clunky phrasing that they probably got from an ill conceived template. Even in your counter example, to me that's clearly a joke (even if an annoying one). I just don't hold people I care about to standards of perfection. We all have said things we think twice about later.

Carotte

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Let's flip it.

Imagine, a couple decides to elope. If they didn't invite me and I "jokingly" tell them they are lame because they didn't invite me, would it be reasonable for them to feel offense? (I think so) Would it be reasonable for them to cool our relationship? (I think so)

No, I wouldn't think it was reasonable to cool a relationship over simple joking or teasing, unless there was some other background or malicious intent.  Joking like this from someone I already like wouldn't even be a blip in my radar.

I guess I don't think of insulting people as "simple joking or teasing".

What you see as insulting might been meant as joking/teasing, and vice versa. It will depend on cultures, geography, level of familiarity, actually wording things the right way, generation, education...
Just look at some words between the UK, AUS and the US, where one can be just a banal swear word, almost a term of endearment or the worst insult. I'm sure you can find a similar divide inside just one country.
As for 'lame' where it used to be about someone, it's now at least half about something. For me it's not "you're lame for not coming" it's "this situation (of you not coming) is lame".


Unless you trully believe they wanted to insult you you shouldn't assign malice to what can be explained by stupidity/miscommunication.


Danika

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It's possible that the couple thought of the word lame in the context of "the situation is lame" if someone can't come to their wedding. (ETA: I posted this at the same time as Carotte. Our minds think alike ;) )

The way if I have a health issue that makes my life hard, I can be angry and my spouse can be angry. We're not mad at *me* because I didn't ask for the problem, we're mad at the situation.

My DH is bad with words. He is highly educated but not in language arts and he uses words incorrectly all the time. Generally, it doesn't cause offense. Usually he just makes himself look far less intelligent than he is. But once in a while he'll say something incorrectly or repeat a news story with inaccurate "facts" and it causes offense. Even to me. And I have to correct him and say he used a word incorrectly.

I think wedding invitations, or anything in print, really, should be edited and triple checked. But I could see my DH doing something like this and really not thinking it was offensive.

That's why I'd have to take into account my history with the couple before I got too offended. I'd have to try to remember if they're just not really attentive to details and definitions.

I appreciate a PP's point of view that actions have consequences. But think I think about my DH and that he's a great person with many qualities and it'd be a shame for people to write him off as a friend or acquaintance because he has a bad command of uncommonly used adjectives.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2016, 02:53:12 PM by Danika »

Peppergirl

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I appreciate a PP's point of view that actions have consequences. But think I think about my DH and that he's a great person with many qualities and it'd be a shame for people to write him off as a friend or acquaintance because he has a bad command of uncommonly used adjectives.

POD

Hmmmmm

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I wouldn't end a good friendship or distance myself from a close relative because they chose to use the word in their response cards. But a close friend or relative I'd say something directly too about their poor choice and how it could cause offense to their guests. Just because no offense was meant doesn't mean your actions aren't offensive. And I believe a good friend should make you aware when you've caused unintentional offense.

But a distant relative or a person who I didn't know well or have infrequent interactions with? Yeah, this would color my perception of them and how they viewed their guests and the importance they think people should put on attending "their event". It definitely wouldn't cause me to want to foster a closer relationship with the couple. In most cases if I have to turn down a wedding invitation I'm usually sorry I can't attend. In this case I'd think "lucky me not having to go."

Huh

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Bad choice of phrasing - if you're going to do a formal event, stick to formal phrasing.

Did they think of how the invitation will look in their wedding album in a few years?  Nope, or they'd have stuck to something that won't look **** (whatever the new "in" word choice might be in 2025 for "so last generation" with an eye roll thrown in by the teenagers who don't remember going to the same wedding when they were four or five years old).

POD. A black-tie formal wedding has a carnival-type announcement with yay and lame for the RSVP? You're sending mixed messages, people.

mandycorn

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I wouldn't end a good friendship or distance myself from a close relative because they chose to use the word in their response cards. But a close friend or relative I'd say something directly too about their poor choice and how it could cause offense to their guests. Just because no offense was meant doesn't mean your actions aren't offensive. And I believe a good friend should make you aware when you've caused unintentional offense.

But a distant relative or a person who I didn't know well or have infrequent interactions with? Yeah, this would color my perception of them and how they viewed their guests and the importance they think people should put on attending "their event". It definitely wouldn't cause me to want to foster a closer relationship with the couple. In most cases if I have to turn down a wedding invitation I'm usually sorry I can't attend. In this case I'd think "lucky me not having to go."

I recognize the ableist nature of this word so I don't use it personally, but it doesn't bother me much when other people use it in a way that refers to things or situations, not people - language changes over time and I can recognize that this is a word that has multiple meanings at this point.

Regardless of that, Hmmmm's point is the crux of it for me - if it's one of hundreds or thousands of interactions I have with the couple, it's not going to color my perception of them much, or at all. If it's the only contact I've had with them in years, it's going to have a much bigger impact.

In a more extreme example, my best friend uses the R word to refer to things she dislikes (she doesn't use it to refer to people) - it bothers me (and the fact that she uses it around me knowing it bothers me bothers me more), but she doesn't do it very often and she apologizes when she remembers that I dislike it so it's a one in a thousand interaction with her and I recognize it's an unpleasant aspect of her as a whole person. If I hear an acquaintance do it, that's a maybe one in one or one in five interaction, so it colors my perception of them much more.

In the world of weddings as big events, a couple needs to be a lot more careful and savvy about their extended audience than they do when they're just conversing with close friends or family and remember that this is an interaction with people who don't all have the same level of knowledge of and familiarity with them. Just for that reason, it seems wise to be more thoughtful and formal to reduce the risks of having an unintentional interaction.
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln 

lkb

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If I'm close enough to the couple to get an invitation, I probably wouldn't let it affect my decision to attend, but I would be put off by the wording and play off of it in my head:

"Hmmm, so I expect to be in the hospital, preparing to give birth at about that time, so I'm lame?"

"Hmmm, the wedding is at the opposite end of the country from me and I have no vacation time/travel funds, so I'm lame?"

"Hmmm, the Dunder Mifflin/Teapots Inc. merger is being finalized the next day and I'm the account manager, so I can't attend, so I'm lame?"

"Hmmm, I have three bambinos who are not invited and I don't have childcare, so I'm lame?"

I realize that an invitation is not a summons, nor an invoice, but such wording may affect whether the couple receives a gift and the size of that gift.