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Author Topic: S/O Hax shower  (Read 2274 times)

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S/O Hax shower
« on: August 15, 2016, 09:39:18 AM »
1) not my situation - just hearing about it second hand and wondering if there is compromise to make everyone happy.

2) Similar enough to the Hax issue that I wonder if I should have a separate post, but hoping there are happier answers...

Bride is aware of the etiquette that shower invites should not include those not invited to wedding. 

Bride worked with Bridesmaids to invite those she is closest to (not all of wedding invitees) to a shower. 

Members of the church the Bride and Groom attend (and the groom grew up in) are vocally upset with Bride (directly to Bride and through intermediaries) that the church isn't being given an opportunity to celebrate with and gift the couple for their wedding. 

Bride is concerned that uninvited church members would assume they are invited to reception (wedding ceremony is at the church).  Some church memebers (close to bride/groom/family) are invited, others (less close) are not.

I can't tell from where I am if the Grooms Mother wants the shower or is being pressured into it, but she has joined in the pressure on the bride.  Reception is to be at Grooms family property.  Unless this causes such friction a month out from the wedding that plans have to change.

Is there a correct response for this situation?

(I think there is nothing stopping individual church members from gifting the couple and expressing their best wishes outside of an organized event, but that apparently has not occurred to the church members.)


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Re: S/O Hax shower
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2016, 09:58:57 AM »
It is true that only wedding guests should be invited to showers. There is an exception: it is ok for coworkers to host a shower for a BTB with the full understanding that they may not be invited to the wedding. I think a church situation is really similar--depending on the church and its norms. If the church ladies are in the habit of throwing bridal showers for congregants, then great--they could set one up for the bride, and she could attend it without guilt. However, from the OP, it sounds like they are grumbling about not be invited to a shower that someone else is throwing, they are not saying they want to throw one themselves. That's wrong. One cannot grumble their way into an invitation! Plus, if they get invited to the shower that the bridesmaids are throwing, then those attendees would have reason to think that they are being invited to the wedding.

I think the bride should just ignore the comments. They can get over it.


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Re: S/O Hax shower
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2016, 10:07:35 AM »
I know that shower invites should not be sent to people who aren't invited to the wedding, but I also know that it is very common in many churches to throw a bridal shower for a member (or a member's fiancÚ) even though they are not invited to the wedding. It may help to think of it as having its own rules of etiquette. It happens in offices, too, where there's a shower-lunch with celebration and gifting.

If this group of people wants to honor and celebrate the couple as they have done with other couples in the past and are not expecting invitations, the bride can absolutely accept (or decline, of course) without being rude.

I can understand the bride's concern about reception misunderstandings. Some churches consider ceremonies to be open to all, so anyone could go to the wedding if they choose. I don't know if that is very common; it was the case at my church. I'd really expect the church members to know as much as the general public that you don't go to a wedding reception without an invitation. Is there a reason for this concern-- like a history of members crashing wedding receptions?

In any case, the church members are rude to vent at the bride about her wanting to decline their hospitality.


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Re: S/O Hax shower
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2016, 02:07:03 PM »
What is wrong with these church people???  Or, maybe this bride???


The church ladies announce that the church will celebrate the couple's upcoming marriage by having a cake for them at the fellowship hour after church in three weeks; everybody come! Fellow church members are not to be invited to family or friend showers. Duh.

The church members that want to do so can bring gifts; the church members that don't, won't. It's a celebration, not a shower (though the ladies at my church often call it a shower, and I bring a gift almost always).

And the couple attends, the organizer makes a little speech, the pastor leads everyone in a little prayer, and everybody eats cake!!!  And other food.

And then after most people are done eating, the organizer says, "Some of us have presents for you!" And there's a little present opening, and some oohing and aahing.

Nobody from the church thinks they're invited to the wedding reception.
       They may all think that they're welcome to attend the religious ceremony, just as they would be welcome to attend Sunday morning worship or an afternoon "baptize all the babies" ceremony, but they won't think they should go to the catering hall or wherever.

It's exactly the same way a work shower should go.


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Re: S/O Hax shower
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2016, 04:03:11 PM »
It seems like this is the way the church in the OP's story rolls, too.  If it is, and the bride is refusing on the ground that etiquette would then require her to invite them all to the wedding and reception, she is failing to recognize (or refusing to acknowledge) that this church has its own local etiquette and customs that do not require the couples to invite all these people to the wedding. 

If she has some other reason for not wanting this party, whatever they call it, then fine, etiquette doesn't require her to have it.  That won't prevent any hurt feelings or a reputation for being stuck-up, though -- and an etiquette defense won't help one bit.