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  • November 24, 2017, 06:35:39 PM

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Author Topic: Dear Abby: Do you send a thank-you note to a guest who ruined the reception?  (Read 6891 times)

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Venus193

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This morning's Dear Abby has this question and some interesting responses:

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/8/28/0/guests-behavior-at-wedding-earns-no#disqus-comments





weaselfrance

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This morning's Dear Abby has this question and some interesting responses:

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/8/28/0/guests-behavior-at-wedding-earns-no#disqus-comments

I'd send the 'thank you' to them both and spend little time with both in the future. I am intrigued that lots of the guests were upset and left after the drunk man was asked to leave. We'll never know for sure, but there are different ways of throwing someone out. Tactfully, firmly and in a no fuss way or with lots of noise and drama. I can't help suspecting the latter and that it was this scene, not the wrecking of the DJ's laptop that caused guests to leave early.

Semperviren

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I'm assuming that the music was all loaded onto the DJ's laptop and he was no longer able to play music after it was ruined, thus shutting down the dancing, which is why guests began leaving.

#borecore

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I agree that the nite should be sent and that the boorish guest's name should be included in some manner, but I think keeping it Curt is just fine.

I can see being uncomfortable and making my excuses to leave after the music stopped and I witnessed a nasty confrontation. Too bad for the newlyweds, but also I don't have to stay somewhere where I'm uncomfortable.

lakey

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I would send a short, simple thank you note, but I wouldn't have much to do with the man unless he showed that he truly took responsibility by doing something about his drinking problem. An apology without doing something about the problem, isn't much of an apology.  In my experience this kind of behavior goes along with a serious drinking problem. Dumping a drink on a laptop because you don't like the volume of the music is not normal behavior.

Oh Joy

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I think it's simple; if you keep the gift, you write a thank-you note.

Venus193

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The latest comments include that he should have been required to reimburse the couple for the DJ's services and I agree with that.





LifeOnPluto

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I think if the HC want to keep the gift, they need to send a thank you note (for the gift only, not for Mr Drunk and Wife's attendance).

But I wouldn't blame the HC if they chose to return the gift and never see this couple again.

sammycat

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The latest comments include that he should have been required to reimburse the couple for the DJ's services and I agree with that.

Yes, I agree too.

As for the thank you note - IF I sent one, it'd be short and curt to the wife only, just mentioning the gift. Normally I include a thank you for coming and sharing the event with me/us, but this is one time where that wouldn't apply. 

I might even just return the gift altogether and cut these people out of my life permanently. If I ran into the wife socially I'd be civil, but the husband would get the CD.

Cali.in.UK

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I was really surprised that so many posters were coming to the defense of the guy, I wonder if they would feel as charitable if it were their own wedding. The comment that annoyed me was "the guy feels bad enough already", what?? The DJ easily could have sued him if he did not pay for the equipment that he intentionally destroyed in front of a room of witnesses. So the drunk man paying the DJ isn't a sign of remorse, he was doing what was legally obligated of him.

I also agree that he should have reimbursed the couple for the DJs wedding fee. Its very expensive, and their night ended early because of his behaviour. If it were me, I don't know if I would be able to stomach writing a thank you card to someone who ruined my reception. If DH felt strongly about it, I might find a very generic thank you card and write "thank you for the gift" and sign my name but nothing more.

I would be tempted to write a second letter to the drunk guy explaining how damaging his actions were and ad something about hoping that he could get the help he needed.

wolfie

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This morning's Dear Abby has this question and some interesting responses:

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/8/28/0/guests-behavior-at-wedding-earns-no#disqus-comments

I'd send the 'thank you' to them both and spend little time with both in the future. I am intrigued that lots of the guests were upset and left after the drunk man was asked to leave. We'll never know for sure, but there are different ways of throwing someone out. Tactfully, firmly and in a no fuss way or with lots of noise and drama. I can't help suspecting the latter and that it was this scene, not the wrecking of the DJ's laptop that caused guests to leave early.

I don't think you can quietly pour water on the DJ's laptop and break it. So the guest started the scene with his actions. After that happened all eyes would have been on the guest and the DJ and it didn't matter how he was kicked out - it would have been very public. And I doubt he would have gone quietly.

I would return the gift - there is no way I could look at it without remembering what happened and who needs that?

artk2002

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I'd send the 'thank you' to them both and spend little time with both in the future. I am intrigued that lots of the guests were upset and left after the drunk man was asked to leave. We'll never know for sure, but there are different ways of throwing someone out. Tactfully, firmly and in a no fuss way or with lots of noise and drama. I can't help suspecting the latter and that it was this scene, not the wrecking of the DJ's laptop that caused guests to leave early.

If the guests felt that the couple weren't discreet enough in throwing the boor out, so much that they got upset and left the reception, then the couple needs a new set of friends. The ones that they have are too stupid to understand who the bad person in the scenario is. But I see this kind of thing thrown out occasionally at eHell -- blaming the victim for dealing with the situation rather than blaming the perpetrator for starting it in the first place.

Personally, I find it much more believable that people left because the music stopped.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Winterlight

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You do have to send a thank you note for the gift, but you don't have to have much to do with him in future. I think he should have covered the DJ's fee, since he essentially ended the party with his actions.
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Kaypeep

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This is a tough one.  I think the easy and right thing to do is to send a very short but polite TY for the wedding gift.  Only because of the wife (innocent party) and if they used it (or cashed it, if it's a check) and it seems the party pooper is a longtime family friend.

For me the tough part is how do you handle the apology?  They sent a note.  That's great.  They tried to make right with the DJ, and that's gratifying as well. But this is a huge incident and I don't know what I would do.  I think replying to the wedding gift is a red herring, the bigger issue is how do you move forward with this "friend"?  If you accept the gift and send a TY, are you in turn forgiving his behavior and accepting the apology?  I think the wedding gift TY is part of a bigger problem for the letter writer.

I would send a polite TY for the wedding gift.
I would send a second reply to the boor regarding his apology and tell him that you appreciate the apology, but that it's still too soon to consider this incident forgotten.  So for the time being, you think it's best to keep your distance socially because you are too angry and hurt over the destruction of one of the most important days of your life.

I'd speak to the wife personally and share my thoughts.  That I don't hold her responsible, that I appreciate the apology, but the hurt is too raw and deep right now to resume socializing with them as a couple but you'd be okay with seeing her alone.  Perhaps with time my feelings might change.

ladyknight1

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POD Kaypeep. It's difficult to be polite to the wife, who did nothing wrong, but keep your distance from the party who made a scene and was destructive.

I do have to say that I don't think I would ever be in his company again, whether or not I were hosting.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien