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  • November 22, 2017, 08:22:43 PM

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Author Topic: Dear Abby: Do you send a thank-you note to a guest who ruined the reception?  (Read 6864 times)

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cicero

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Wow, this was extremely inappropriate behavior. I would not want to have anything to do with these people. I am with those who say to return the gift and let this friendship go. (until and unless this person goes through a 12-steps or similar program).



I'd send the 'thank you' to them both and spend little time with both in the future. I am intrigued that lots of the guests were upset and left after the drunk man was asked to leave. We'll never know for sure, but there are different ways of throwing someone out. Tactfully, firmly and in a no fuss way or with lots of noise and drama. I can't help suspecting the latter and that it was this scene, not the wrecking of the DJ's laptop that caused guests to leave early.
i think that's a really big leap. we have no idea that that's what happened. i think that drama and noise-inducing component of the wedding was the drunk guest, not the groom (who did exactly the right thing).


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Twik

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I must admit I'm a bit nonplussed by all the commenters on that article going, "Well, you're not perfect yourself, how dare you not forgive this poor man who only ruined your memories of a significant life event by his deliberately destructive behaviour." I sincerely hope that most people have never gotten to the point of drunkenness when they start destroying other people's property. It's not like he accidentally tripped and ended up pouring a drink on the electronics.
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Venus193

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I was shocked that anyone commenting on that letter thought it petty to be upset at a ruined wedding reception.  Considering what it cost them in the first place and that this man ruined it by ending the music I would be furious.  I'd also be furious with Mother for being so cavalier about it.

The groom's reaction was understandable.   This drunk was a boor who ruined the reception for all the guests, not just the couple.





Twik

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And as others pointed out, it probably wasn't a quiet, "Oops, my hand slipped, whatya gonna do?" I bet the act of frying the laptop came after a lot of arguing, and was followed by same. It's one thing to lose the music (hey, maybe someone could have substituted an iPod or something), but a nasty drunk causing a fight on top of it would signal "Time to go home, folks."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

CocoCamm

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I would be returning the gift without a word and try my best to pretend these people don't exist. And I say these people because I don't give the wife a total free pass. This is the person she's hitched her wagon to and when one half of a social unit behaves badly, this badly, it certainly reflects on the couple as a whole.

Mustard

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I would write a thank you note, post it and then try to forget the whole incident by getting on with the fun of being married.

rose red

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Yeah, if they keep the gift, the note can be short and simple:

Dear To Lisa and Joe,

Thank you for the wedding gift.

From Kathy and Marc

jedikaiti

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TBH, if I were in their shoes, I'd probably just return the gift. After that incident, I'm not sure I'd ever want to see that gift again.
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VorFemme

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My vote is for a short thank you note if they want to keep the gift or returning it if they want to make a point of not being made to remember the events of that night whenever they see it.

Or a short thank you note followed by donating the gift in question to a worthy cause - possibly one that helps alcoholics...but keep that information private (between the HC).

But the man who did that would not be someone that ever found himself socializing with the bride & groom again, if they knew he would be invited.  Which might mean that they'd be leaving any events where he (and his wife) turned up, even if they said something nice to her on their way out while delivering a cut (sublime, infernal, or direct) in his general direction. 

And, if & when they choose to start inviting Drunken Boor to anything - any potential event would probably be one that alcoholic beverages would not be available at...
« Last Edit: August 29, 2016, 09:06:22 PM by VorFemme »
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sammycat

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I was really surprised that so many posters were coming to the defense of the guy, I wonder if they would feel as charitable if it were their own wedding. The comment that annoyed me was "the guy feels bad enough already", what?? The DJ easily could have sued him if he did not pay for the equipment that he intentionally destroyed in front of a room of witnesses. So the drunk man paying the DJ isn't a sign of remorse, he was doing what was legally obligated of him.

I also agree that he should have reimbursed the couple for the DJs wedding fee. Its very expensive, and their night ended early because of his behaviour. If it were me, I don't know if I would be able to stomach writing a thank you card to someone who ruined my reception.  SNIP

I agree.  His behaviour isn't the slightest bit acceptable, and anyone who thinks it is, or that it's "okay" now he's apologised, needs to take a good hard look at themselves.  I'm sure they wouldn't be quite so cavalier if it was their own wedding in question. I wouldn't even acknowledge his "apology". It's meaningless. Forever more, whenever I thought of my wedding that'd probably be the most dominant memory. No amount of apologising or grovelling would make that right.

Thinking about it more, I change my earlier response where I'd said I'd send a curt thank you to the wife only. My response now is to return the present (as I definitely wouldn't want to be reminded of that man or the incident each time I looked at it) and cut both the husband and wife out of my life.


hopeful4

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While the guy did apologize, it reminds me of a demonstration I saw... A young mom was trying to teach her kids about how some actions/words cannot be undone with an apology no mater how sincere.  She took a glass plate and threw it hard on the ground.  Of course the plate broke.  Then she said "I'm sorry!" and then pointed out that, even after her apology, the plate was still broken. 

AzaleaBloom

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I was more than a little irritated with the responses justifying what the guy did with "Well, the music probably WAS too loud!"  I must have missed the memo where destroying someone's equipment over loud music at a wedding receiption is considered a-okay.

mime

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Re: Dear Abby: Do you send a thank-you note to a guest who ruined the reception?
« Reply #27 on: September 06, 2016, 04:15:21 PM »
TBH, if I were in their shoes, I'd probably just return the gift. After that incident, I'm not sure I'd ever want to see that gift again.

Here's where I land, too. Their gift would remind me of them, and I wouldn't want that.

It is very good that they apologized and made an effort to make things right with the DJ, so we can all move on from here, but "moving on" doesn't mean we're around each other anymore. I see that commenters on Dear Abby don't really agree with my POV. That's fine. We all have our own boundaries, and this would have crossed mine, even if it weren't at my wedding.


bopper

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Re: Dear Abby: Do you send a thank-you note to a guest who ruined the reception?
« Reply #28 on: September 20, 2016, 04:08:35 PM »
I like Dear Abby's letter "We'll think of you when we use it"...i.e., we will think of your horrible behavior every time we use it.

lakey

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Re: Dear Abby: Do you send a thank-you note to a guest who ruined the reception?
« Reply #29 on: September 20, 2016, 05:34:46 PM »
Quote
While the guy did apologize, it reminds me of a demonstration I saw... A young mom was trying to teach her kids about how some actions/words cannot be undone with an apology no mater how sincere.  She took a glass plate and threw it hard on the ground.  Of course the plate broke.  Then she said "I'm sorry!" and then pointed out that, even after her apology, the plate was still broken.

I agree. An apology is sometimes not enough. Whatever is the cause of this unacceptable behavior, whether substance abuse, anger management, or immaturity,  would have to be addressed for there to be continued contact.

Years ago I had a roommate whose father was an alcoholic. She took her fiance to the parents' home for a weekend visit. At night her father got drunk, had a big, loud tantrum, causing roommate and her fiance to leave. The parents called to apologize later that weekend. My roommate's response was not to simply accept the apology, but to ask, more than once, whether the dad was going to get rehab. He wasn't. He didn't think he needed it. She didn't cut them out of her life completely, but she seriously limited her visits with them. She didn't have anymore overnight visits with them. It just wasn't worth the stress.