News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 25, 2017, 05:12:20 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama  (Read 18009 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

weaselfrance

  • Member
  • Posts: 84
Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« on: August 28, 2016, 07:34:17 AM »
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3749398/BEL-MOONEY-son-s-baby-free-wedding-destroying-family.html

From the British newspaper 'The Daily Mail'. Man is getting married and doesn't want his sister's small children to attend the wedding. Sister is upset by this and also by the fact that the happy couple won't fall in with her idea of making her a bridesmaid and her husband an usher. The grooms parents are refusing to financially contribute to the wedding and are talking about not going.

This is after they brought family members uninvited to a restaurant to celebrate the engagement of the happy couple, to the bafflement and astonishment of the bride's family.

They are also unhappy that the sister's mother in law won't be invited to the wedding.

Since we hear so much from those who try to deal with boundary stomping, self centred and unreasonable people here, I just thought it was interesting to hear things from the perspective of a boundary stomper.

I agree with the advice the letter writer was given.

Mustard

  • Member
  • Posts: 1976
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2016, 07:46:08 AM »
I think Bel Mooney is absolutely right in her advice; what a crew!

weaselfrance

  • Member
  • Posts: 84
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2016, 07:57:10 AM »
It's not actually a child free wedding, the bride is having two young bridesmaids IIRC. Makes me wonder how badly behaved the excluded children are. A 10 month old can't cause too much havoc (mainly just noise in my experience), but a three year old....

iridaceae

  • Boring in real life as well
  • Member
  • Posts: 3573
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2016, 08:41:52 AM »
Mom is going to earn the family a cut direct. She can't believe her daughter-in-law's mother isn't invited?

I'm guessing son is the odd man out in that family.
Nothing to see here.

Mary Lennox

  • Member
  • Posts: 576
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2016, 09:41:49 AM »
The son's reason for not wanting the kids there is one of the reasons I'm leaning towards a child-free wedding (if/when it happens). I want my parents to enjoy their night as parents of the bride, not race around as carers of the grandchildren because my DB & SIL both switch off their parental responsibilities whenever there is another adult in the area. The difference would be that my parents would understand my decision - they may not agree, but they wouldn't try to change my mind and frankly, if it meant I would see less of DB & family, I could totally live with that.

Chickadee

  • Member
  • Posts: 431
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2016, 12:38:51 PM »
I agree that the groom's Mom is pushing things, but one thing in the letter stood out to me. At the engagement dinner the husbands of the bride-to-be's sisters were not invited. I thought that was kind of strange. I know I would be horribly hurt if my husband's sister organized a family dinner but only invited him.

Other than that, the family of the groom are major boundary pushers.

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2016, 05:27:41 PM »
Quote
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #2 on: Today at 07:57:10 AM »
Quote
It's not actually a child free wedding, the bride is having two young bridesmaids IIRC. Makes me wonder how badly behaved the excluded children are. A 10 month old can't cause too much havoc (mainly just noise in my experience), but a three year old....

I think it's kind of common to have a child free wedding where only children who are in the bridal party are invited.
But you have a point. If the sister of the bride is having crying jags over something like this, I wouldn't trust her to take proper care of her children at the wedding, much less be a reasonable bridesmaid.  She sounds a bit childish herself. And why on earth do these people think that the groom's sister's mother in law is entitled to be invited?

Then the father of the groom is refusing to go to his own son's wedding because they didn't get their own way?
I feel sad for the poor groom. Wait till the poor couple has to figure out what to do about Christmas and major holidays. I see more childish temper tantrums in their future. If they're smart they will stand firm or they're going to be continuously expected to cave in to these cry babies.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2016, 06:34:12 PM »
I agree that the groom's Mom is pushing things, but one thing in the letter stood out to me. At the engagement dinner the husbands of the bride-to-be's sisters were not invited. I thought that was kind of strange. I know I would be horribly hurt if my husband's sister organized a family dinner but only invited him.

Other than that, the family of the groom are major boundary pushers.

Yes, that struck me as wrong and rude too.  I had to reread that part of the letter a few times to make sure I had it right. Unfortunately it seemed I did.  I'm trying to imagine inviting my sister to my engagement party/announcement but telling her that her husband wasn't invited. It just doesn't compute.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2016, 06:39:00 PM »
I think it's kind of common to have a child free wedding where only children who are in the bridal party are invited.

Yes, that's what we did, and I've been to many similar weddings. 

We had a 4 1/2 year old flower girl, who was impeccably behaved throughout. She was the daughter of my cousin.  We did not invite any other young children, including those belonging to other cousins.  A few weeks before my wedding was the wedding of another cousin.  Part way through the ceremony another cousin's child (18-24 months?) started carrying on during the ceremony.  That confirmed that we had made the right decision in not inviting any other children other than our flowergirl.  And quite honestly, even if she hadn't been part of the wedding party, I'd still have invited her, as (a) she was a favourite relative of mine; and (b) I knew she'd behave, and if she didn't, her parents would deal with it immediately.

If the sister of the bride is having crying jags over something like this, I wouldn't trust her to take proper care of her children at the wedding, much less be a reasonable bridesmaid.  She sounds a bit childish herself. And why on earth do these people think that the groom's sister's mother in law is entitled to be invited?

Agreed.  I can just see her palming the kids off to grandma and grandad, and/or not attending to them appropriately. I can fully see the groom's point about wanting his parents to focus on him and his bride on the day, not be focused on the grandkids instead.  I imagine this is the sort of family where the parents and grandparents would try and force the kids into being part of all the photos, etc.

My head was spinning with the expectation that the family and in-laws of in-laws were supposed to be included! There was so many in-laws that the LW wanted invited that I actually lost track of all the relation.ships.

The LW mentioned being willing to hire an entertainer.  I wondered if that was for the children. If so, that's so inappropriate that I can't even comprehend it. If the B&G wanted a kids' entertainer at their wedding they'd have said so by now.

Oh Joy

  • Member
  • Posts: 1983
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2016, 08:45:16 PM »
...
The LW mentioned being willing to hire an entertainer.  I wondered if that was for the children. If so, that's so inappropriate that I can't even comprehend it. If the B&G wanted a kids' entertainer at their wedding they'd have said so by now.

I've found it not uncommon to have a babysitter-type hired for a wedding, not to care for the kids, but to host a corner of crafts and such where the young guests play.  I think the LW was wrong on many levels, but I didn't see offering to fund one as being too out of line in trying to find a way to make it work.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2016, 09:12:41 PM »
...
The LW mentioned being willing to hire an entertainer.  I wondered if that was for the children. If so, that's so inappropriate that I can't even comprehend it. If the B&G wanted a kids' entertainer at their wedding they'd have said so by now.

I've found it not uncommon to have a babysitter-type hired for a wedding, not to care for the kids, but to host a corner of crafts and such where the young guests play.  I think the LW was wrong on many levels, but I didn't see offering to fund one as being too out of line in trying to find a way to make it work.

That's fine if the bride and groom initiate the idea and want kids there. But this offer is from a very self absorbed mother/grandmother who seems more intent on making her son's wedding day be about her daughter and her family instead. That right there would have me digging my heels in if I were the son or his fiancee.

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8132
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2016, 06:26:22 AM »
If your son wants his wedding to be an infant-free zone, that doesn’t make him a nasty person, just a normal man who wants his mum and dad to focus on him for once, and not be fussing over his sister or her kids.

I think this line is key. I suspect that the LW has a habit of fawning all over her DD, SIL and grandchildren at family events, to the exclusion of her son. I think it's perfectly reasonable of him to want just one day where he and his Bride (and not the grandkids) are the centre of attention.

That said, I do agree it's odd that (a) the fiancee didn't know the name of the SIL; and (b) her sisters' husbands and children weren't invited to the restaurant for the engagement announcement.


Cali.in.UK

  • Member
  • Posts: 1000
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2016, 11:44:34 AM »


That said, I do agree it's odd that (a) the fiancee didn't know the name of the SIL; and (b) her sisters' husbands and children weren't invited to the restaurant for the engagement announcement.

Yeah, I think there is a lot of background going on here that frame the OP. That's why I prefer to read questions on ehell because the OP can then respond to questions, whereas those write-in questions sometimes create more questions for the readers. It sounds like there was probably some previous weirdness with either the son or the son's fiance which is clouding the way the family is reacting to the wedding.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Member
  • Posts: 10102
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2016, 12:06:07 PM »
I agree with the columnist. The LW, her husband and daughter need to grow up, not assume that their way is the only way and apologize to their son for being idiots.

Either that or keep it up, and their son is likely to decide that his bride's family will be their only family.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Member
  • Posts: 10102
Re: Problem page letter - child free wedding drama
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2016, 12:10:17 PM »

That said, I do agree it's odd that (a) the fiancee didn't know the name of the SIL; and (b) her sisters' husbands and children weren't invited to the restaurant for the engagement announcement.

1. Maybe the bride forgot in the stress of having a whole bunch of unexpected guests crash the event. We don't know how often they'd met in the past.
2. Maybe the BILs had other commitments. At least one of them has a young child, so he might have stayed home with the baby. We only have the LW's words to go on, and she's not the most objective viewer here.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls