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Author Topic: Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26  (Read 4885 times)

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RainyDays

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Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26
« on: September 25, 2016, 05:50:43 PM »
I am in a wedding in a few months. The wedding is on a Saturday, and the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is the Friday before. The wedding location is about an hour an a half from where we live, and so DH and I have worked out childcare for Friday evening through Sunday afternoon, and are staying at a local hotel those two nights.

I had been assuming (I know, I know) that the rehearsal would be around 6, with dinner to follow. Assuming because that's been my experience in the past -- after work so everyone can get there. Today I found out, through happenstance, that the rehearsal is actually at 4pm, and the dinner following is at 6pm in another town that is even farther away. The BTB apologized that she hadn't actually let anyone know what the plan was (apparently, she and the MoTG had only just worked out the details), but it seems she was just taking for granted that everyone involved would be taking off on that Friday. The odds that we will make the dinner by 6, never mind the rehearsal at 4, are slim. The BTB has said she understands if we can't make it and to just let her know.

This is where I need some etiquette help. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous, and that I should just leave work early, he'll leave early, and we'll go to both. I am a teacher, and taking time off during the school year is strongly discouraged. Of course it is done, it happens. But I really like my job and try to do my absolute best, and that means not calling a sub if it's not totally necessary.

The other side, the side that DH is seeing, is that -- while I am so happy for the BTB and I am glad I was asked to be a part of the big day (it was expected that I would be asked, not a surprise), I really am just so blah about the whole thing. I really wish I could turn back the clock and just be a guest who shows up and nothing more. Although that would have caused many many hurt feelings.

SO. If you made it through all of that. What are my obligations here? Do I really need to take time off of work to participate in the rehearsal? Can I say, I'm very sorry, but taking off of work is not an option here and I will do my best to be at the dinner afterwards?
« Last Edit: September 27, 2016, 09:32:15 PM by RainyDays »

Zizi-K

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2016, 06:14:38 PM »
The BTB has given you an out, I would take it. Rehearsals are nice, but it's also not that complicated to be in a wedding! I would just say sorry, you can't make it to the rehearsal unless it starts later. Then go out for a nice dinner with your DH and meet the rest of the gang at the hotel bar for drinks after they return from dinner.

rose red

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2016, 06:45:53 PM »
It sounds like the bride understands. If you can make it to at least part of the dinner (dessert?), they can fill you in on what happened during rehearsal.

There are many jobs where I would say "take the day off/leave early" but not for a teacher (unless you have to, of course).

JoieGirl7

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2016, 10:40:14 PM »
I think your DH is right.  You should take part of the day and go up and be there.

Or, just bow out of being in the wedding party and just be a guest.  Frankly, I wouldn't want someone in my wedding party who was "blah" about the most important day in my life so far.

Miss Cathy

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2016, 08:23:00 AM »
We had no rehearsal at all for my wedding. I'm sure you can be filled in on what you need to do in a moment...basically, walk down the aisle and move to the side, and sit when the other bridesmaids sit. I think that, while the bride has given you lots of notice, she shouldn't think badly of you if you decide to go to work the day before the wedding.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2016, 09:04:31 AM »
If you were excited about being in the wedding would you take the afternoon off so you could attend the rehearsal? I would let the honest answer to that question quide my bahavior.

I wold do everything possible to try and make the rehearsal dinner on time.

lmyrs

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2016, 10:19:37 AM »
The bride has given you an out, and you are free to take it. But I wouldn't. For a couple of reasons:

1. The bridal party really should be attending rehearsal. I've never been one to demand the bridal party take part in showers, bachelorettes, creating centrepieces and bouquets, etc. But attending rehearsal and the wedding are really the 2 things that you should do as a bridesmaid or groomsman.
2. The bride giving you an out doesn't mean that you won't be hurting her by taking it. She's choosing to accept it and not be a bridezilla, but it will likely hurt her, even if only a little.
3. Sometimes, being in a wedding is complicated. I've been to well over a hundred Catholic weddings. I've been bridesmaid in two Catholic weddings. And, when I went to rehearsal for the Ukrainian Catholic wedding I was a bridesmaid in, I was lost. There were entire pieces that I had never seen nor heard of and if I hadn't been at rehearsal, it would have been embarrassing. If you can not be at rehearsal, you better find another bridesmaid that night and walk through it with her.

The BTB has given you an out, I would take it. Rehearsals are nice, but it's also not that complicated to be in a wedding! I would just say sorry, you can't make it to the rehearsal unless it starts later. Then go out for a nice dinner with your DH and meet the rest of the gang at the hotel bar for drinks after they return from dinner.


If you do decide to skip rehearsal, do not go for a nice dinner with your husband instead. Figure out a way to make it to that dinner. Because, it's one thing to say, "I can't take time off work." It's another all together to say, "Not only could I not take a couple hours off work, but when I finally did get here, you were so unimportant that I thought it better for me to have some alone time with my husband than show up at the dinner that you're hosting." You want hurt feelings - that's a great start.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2016, 10:30:02 AM »
I would compromise, I think.  I wouldn't panic about getting to the rehearsal for 4:00.  Who plans a rehearsal for that time when they know one of the attendants is a teacher and it is very difficult to get time off?!?!?

But what I would do is see about missing the last period of the day.  If you are elementary school and they still do afternoon recess, we used to only have one period after that.  So if you trade off with your fellow teachers for recess duty, make arrangements so you can leave at the start of recess and thus guarantee that you can get there for dinner.  Get your DH to take more time off and have him meet you at your school with the car loaded and ready to go.   :)  (This is what my Dad did every Friday when my Mom was in hospital in a city far away.  We'd leave early on the Friday and spend the weekend in the city to be with Mom.)

Regardless, I would leave in enough time for you both to make the dinner, or at least dessert and coffee.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

RainyDays

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2016, 11:05:45 AM »
OP here.

For what it's worth, I am happy and excited for the BTB's marriage, and I am happy and excited about her wedding, especially in her presence. It's my DH to whom I express my "blah-ness" about being IN the wedding. I have been wedding dress shopping, bridesmaids dress shopping, helped throw one bridal shower and participated in a second. I am also joining in with the bachelorette party in a few weeks. I am present and happy for them all. It's just been a very stressful time of year and I wasn't anticipating this level of commitment.

As far as my job, I am a high school math teacher. Finding a substitute who knows their math well enough to make my absence not a big deal is impossible. Subs at the high school level are bodies in the classroom to keep control, so me leaving work early will actually affect the pace of the curriculum. Of course I will leave practice for my students to do, but it won't be nearly as beneficial as if I had been there. That's why teachers are strongly discouraged from taking off.



I'm having a hard time imagining what I would do if I were really "yay!!!" about being in the wedding, and the reason is because I'm a bit stuck on the fact that BTB assumed I could take off work without even asking. I'm pretty sure everyone else involved either has VERY flexible work schedules (at least 2 work from home, including BTB) or don't work at all.

I am actually in a second wedding this fall as well, and that BTB (BTB2, if you will ;) ) has taken into account that all of us work and planned the rehearsal accordingly. Of course, she has a 9-5 too, so maybe it wasn't as big a "leap" for her to understand typical jobs.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2016, 11:25:38 AM »
She's really not asking that much and if you think she is then you should bow out.

She shouldn't have to worry about you not being at the rehearsal and maybe not getting to the rehearsal dinner.

It doesn't matter that you don't share your lack of enthusiasm with her.  It's showing in your prioritizing of your obligations to her as a member of her bridal party.

There is no shame in just going as a guest.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2016, 11:40:23 AM »
I just wanted to point out that the 4pm rehearsal time could have been set by the church.  My niece's church required them to vacate the sanctuary by 5:30 as there was a 7pm wedding that night. I've also seen some churches that do a lot of weddings that don't want their ministry having to spend every Friday night doing rehearsals till 7pm so they try to get them done by 5pm.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2016, 11:57:01 AM »
She's really not asking that much and if you think she is then you should bow out.

I disagree; asking a teacher, or anyone with inflexible work hours, to take time off for the rehearsal is asking too much, IMO.  I have flexible hours; I can take an hour or two of vacation time and not have to burn a whole or half day.  My BF?  Can't.  He has to book a minimum of a half day off if he needs to leave early or come in late.

Kudos to BTB2 for considering her attendants schedules.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Devils Advocate

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2016, 01:24:24 PM »
OP here.

For what it's worth, I am happy and excited for the BTB's marriage, and I am happy and excited about her wedding, especially in her presence. It's my DH to whom I express my "blah-ness" about being IN the wedding. I have been wedding dress shopping, bridesmaids dress shopping, helped throw one bridal shower and participated in a second. I am also joining in with the bachelorette party in a few weeks. I am present and happy for them all. It's just been a very stressful time of year and I wasn't anticipating this level of commitment.

As far as my job, I am a high school math teacher. Finding a substitute who knows their math well enough to make my absence not a big deal is impossible. Subs at the high school level are bodies in the classroom to keep control, so me leaving work early will actually affect the pace of the curriculum. Of course I will leave practice for my students to do, but it won't be nearly as beneficial as if I had been there. That's why teachers are strongly discouraged from taking off.



I'm having a hard time imagining what I would do if I were really "yay!!!" about being in the wedding, and the reason is because I'm a bit stuck on the fact that BTB assumed I could take off work without even asking. I'm pretty sure everyone else involved either has VERY flexible work schedules (at least 2 work from home, including BTB) or don't work at all.

I am actually in a second wedding this fall as well, and that BTB (BTB2, if you will ;) ) has taken into account that all of us work and planned the rehearsal accordingly. Of course, she has a 9-5 too, so maybe it wasn't as big a "leap" for her to understand typical jobs.

I guess my question would be are you forced to take the whole day just to leave early?  At least where I am from (Midwest) our highschool gets out at 2:55.  Also each day is divided into periods (so you would miss perhaps one period).  Are you actually teaching class until 4? 

If you are only missing a period or two of class--I would find a sub.  Surely your students will survive if you are gone one day---considering you have a few months, there are a variety of ways to plan for this that would not put you or the students behind.  If you have to miss the whole day---then I would leave as soon as school ended and make the dinner. 

Luci

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2016, 01:50:03 PM »
She's really not asking that much and if you think she is then you should bow out.

I disagree; asking a teacher, or anyone with inflexible work hours, to take time off for the rehearsal is asking too much, IMO.  I have flexible hours; I can take an hour or two of vacation time and not have to burn a whole or half day.  My BF?  Can't.  He has to book a minimum of a half day off if he needs to leave early or come in late.

Kudos to BTB2 for considering her attendants schedules.

I agree with Outdoor Girl.

If you can't find someone in the department (or science department) to cover for you and actually teach, your obligation is with your students. You accepted the request to be in the wedding with a full heart and expecting usual scheduling. The bride understands, trusts you to get caught up, and isn't taking it as an insult. By the way, there is little more boring than being a reader and having to go a rehearsal when a two line comment tells you all you need to know. You didn't say what your capacity is.

lakey

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2016, 02:38:49 PM »
Quote
I guess my question would be are you forced to take the whole day just to leave early?  At least where I am from (Midwest) our highschool gets out at 2:55.  Also each day is divided into periods (so you would miss perhaps one period).  Are you actually teaching class until 4? 

Sometimes these issues are determined by union contracts, school policies regarding hiring substitutes, or reality.
In my area a substitute teacher would be at least a 1/2 day. Even then, they often can't get anyone for a half day, because subs don't want to tie themselves up for a half day's pay.

Also, I initially thought that she should take the day or half day off until she updated that she was a high school math teacher. I taught elementary school. Subs can usually handle the lessons pretty well for fourth grade. High school math can be a different matter. A lot of people with BA degrees are flummoxed by calculus or trigonometry that they haven't seen since high school.

Unless the ceremony is very different from what the OP is used to, another bridesmaid should be able to fill OP in on the details. Heck, with a smartphone someone might be able to record what the clergyperson, presider tells the wedding party.

If it were me, I would be packed and ready to go, have the husband handle getting the kids together with the caregiver, leave the school immediately upon students being dismissed, get on the road quickly, and arrive as quickly as possible, hopefully at least making the 6 o'clock dinner.