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Author Topic: Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26  (Read 4854 times)

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RainyDays

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2016, 03:03:22 PM »

I guess my question would be are you forced to take the whole day just to leave early?  At least where I am from (Midwest) our highschool gets out at 2:55.  Also each day is divided into periods (so you would miss perhaps one period).  Are you actually teaching class until 4? 


Our school day goes to 3:30. I'd miss two class periods and the study hall at the end of the day (yes, I have students who come to it, it's not a freebie period).

And lakey is correct about finding part-day subs; it's hard to get a part- or half-day sub. If there happens to be a sub in the building that day who has planning during one periods I need, I'd likely "borrow" that sub for that period. If I can't find a sub, and there's none in the building that could slide into that slot, then it would fall on a colleague to sit in on my class during their planning period, which is far from ideal.

Basically, it'd be easier to find a sub for the full day than to find a sub for part of the day. Stupid, I know.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think I'm going to politely bow out of the rehearsal and just book it to get to the dinner by 6. Maybe someone can cover the last 10 minutes of the study hall or something so I can avoid getting caught behind a bunch of buses, lol.

BTB is not getting married in a church. The site coordinator asked her what time she wanted the rehearsal to be at. BTB decided on dinner at 6 and worked backward from there to get to 4pm.

gramma dishes

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2016, 04:49:32 PM »
Maybe someone can cover the last 10 minutes of the study hall or something so I can avoid getting caught behind a bunch of buses, lol.

You know, if you have a good reputation at your school (and you're so sincere that I'm pretty sure you don't make a habit of asking favors) and assuming your principal likes you, he or she might possibly be willing to sit with your class for part of that study hall. 

Bert

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2016, 05:38:15 PM »
I feel like when events that require the attendance of the wedding party creep into normal work hours, then it is up to the Bride and Groom to tell people that when they ask people to be in their wedding party.  OP, it sounds like you are already making some sacrifices (child care, hotel room, etc...) to be there, so its not as though you are treating this with no care or forethought, and it sounds to me like the bride understands that.

Asking someone to use their vacation time is a different ask for different people.  For some, it is no big deal, but for others, that's basically the equivalent of asking for a good sum of money.   

Bales

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2016, 05:48:53 PM »
I think you made the right decision.  There is no reason to bow out at all over this one scheduling conflict.  Most rehearsals I've been to are informal and just basic staging to ensure everything is all set.  If you are not the MOH or someone with a special function, then it's not a big deal.  Sure, you should be there, but the bride seems to understand the conflict and isn't making a big deal about it, so you don't need to go with the nuclear option of suggesting you resign your position entirely. 

Hopefully they will start dinner with some cocktails or appetizers so you can get there in time to enjoy the dinner and company, plus catch up on any details you need for the actual wedding.

sammycat

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2016, 06:03:01 PM »
She's really not asking that much and if you think she is then you should bow out.

I disagree; asking a teacher, or anyone with inflexible work hours, to take time off for the rehearsal is asking too much, IMO. I have flexible hours; I can take an hour or two of vacation time and not have to burn a whole or half day.  My BF?  Can't.  He has to book a minimum of a half day off if he needs to leave early or come in late.

Kudos to BTB2 for considering her attendants schedules.

I agree with Outdoor Girl.

If you can't find someone in the department (or science department) to cover for you and actually teachen, your obligation is with your studts. You accepted the request to be in the wedding with a full heart and expecting usual scheduling. The bride understands, trusts you to get caught up, and isn't taking it as an insult. By the way, there is little more boring than being a reader and having to go a rehearsal when a two line comment tells you all you need to know. You didn't say what your capacity is.

I agree with the bolded.  I'd do my best to make the 6pm dinner, but I think it's very unreasonable to expect someone to give up part of their income and/or holiday hours to attend a wedding event. 

It doesn't sound as though the BTB is being a bridezilla about it, so I'd take her at face value that she won't mind you being late.

Margo

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2016, 07:44:11 AM »
Quote
If it were me, I would be packed and ready to go, have the husband handle getting the kids together with the caregiver, leave the school immediately upon students being dismissed, get on the road quickly, and arrive as quickly as possible, hopefully at least making the 6 o'clock dinner.

This is what I would do.

Let the Bride know that unfortuantely, you won't be able to leave work until 3.30 but you will do everything you can to be there as soon as possible, and that you look forward to seeing her and to the dinner and wedding.

I'd also, separately, speak to one of the other members of the wedding party to ask that they make a little time at/after the dinner to tell you about the rehearsal and anything specific  you need to know - little things like where to sit/stnad after you have walked in with the bride, who is walking with who etc.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2016, 01:47:13 PM by Margo »

Zizi-K

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2016, 10:02:53 AM »
The bride has given you an out, and you are free to take it. But I wouldn't. For a couple of reasons:

1. The bridal party really should be attending rehearsal. I've never been one to demand the bridal party take part in showers, bachelorettes, creating centrepieces and bouquets, etc. But attending rehearsal and the wedding are really the 2 things that you should do as a bridesmaid or groomsman.
2. The bride giving you an out doesn't mean that you won't be hurting her by taking it. She's choosing to accept it and not be a bridezilla, but it will likely hurt her, even if only a little.
3. Sometimes, being in a wedding is complicated. I've been to well over a hundred Catholic weddings. I've been bridesmaid in two Catholic weddings. And, when I went to rehearsal for the Ukrainian Catholic wedding I was a bridesmaid in, I was lost. There were entire pieces that I had never seen nor heard of and if I hadn't been at rehearsal, it would have been embarrassing. If you can not be at rehearsal, you better find another bridesmaid that night and walk through it with her.

The BTB has given you an out, I would take it. Rehearsals are nice, but it's also not that complicated to be in a wedding! I would just say sorry, you can't make it to the rehearsal unless it starts later. Then go out for a nice dinner with your DH and meet the rest of the gang at the hotel bar for drinks after they return from dinner.


If you do decide to skip rehearsal, do not go for a nice dinner with your husband instead. Figure out a way to make it to that dinner. Because, it's one thing to say, "I can't take time off work." It's another all together to say, "Not only could I not take a couple hours off work, but when I finally did get here, you were so unimportant that I thought it better for me to have some alone time with my husband than show up at the dinner that you're hosting." You want hurt feelings - that's a great start.

Just to clarify, I thought that the OP was saying that it would be difficult/impossible for her to get to the dinner because it was even farther out than the rehearsal location. If they can make the rehearsal dinner, then I agree they should go. But I disagree that it would case bad feelings to skip it. Obviously they wouldn't say "Oh, we're skipping it because we'd rather have dinner by ourselves!" They would merely explain that they couldn't make it in time, and would look forward to meeting everyone back at the hotel.

gellchom

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2016, 01:29:24 PM »
Quote
If it were me, I would be packed and ready to go, have the husband handle getting the kids together with the caregiver, leave the school immediately upon students being dismissed, get on the road quickly, and arrive as quickly as possible, hopefully at least making the 6 o'clock dinner.

This is what I would do.

Let the Bridge know tha unfortuantely, you won't be ableto leave work until 3.30 but you will do eveything you can to be there as soon as possible, and that you look forward to seeing her and to the dinner and wedding.

I'd also, separately, speakt to one of the other members of the wedding party to ask that they make a little time at/after the dinner to tell you about the rehearsal and anythign specific  you need to know - little things lik where to sit/stnad after you have walked in with the bride, who is walking with who etc.

This.  I'm sure you can find out what to do from someone else.  But I agree you should try to be there for as much as you can.  I'm not sure of the timing and geography, but I agree it would be wrong to just go out with your husband if you could get to the rehearsal dinner, even if late. 

There's no need to turn this into a drama from either direction.  It sounds like the bride is fine with whatever you do.  So just get there as soon as you can. 

I bet you are going to have a lot more fun than you're anticipating.  Enjoy the weekend.

Sophia

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2016, 03:35:55 PM »
I think you made the right decision too.  The others can fill you in at the dinner, and otherwise just follow what everyone else is doing.   

doodlemor

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2016, 04:22:19 PM »

As far as my job, I am a high school math teacher. Finding a substitute who knows their math well enough to make my absence not a big deal is impossible. Subs at the high school level are bodies in the classroom to keep control, so me leaving work early will actually affect the pace of the curriculum. Of course I will leave practice for my students to do, but it won't be nearly as beneficial as if I had been there. That's why teachers are strongly discouraged from taking off.

Former teacher here.  I understand about the curriculum.  Even in elementary, subs don't always do things the way that is planned.  One of my friends who taught high school math said that she got the curriculum the summer before she began, and planned the elements that had to be taught for every single day then.  The students needed specific concepts for the end of year tests.

The only alternatives I can think of is for you to take 1/2 day off, and to get other math teachers to cover your afternoon classes.  This might be unacceptable to both the union and the administration, though.  Or, would it be possible for a sub to monitor a lesson that you video taped at the beginning of the day, in which you taught the same material to another class?  That too would be fussy, though, and require some careful planning with the taping.  It's always possible that the sub wouldn't be able to play it, also.

Both of those scenarios are rather complicated.  Your bride friend has given you an out - don't feel guilty if you take it.

kudeebee

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2016, 09:13:49 PM »
That is early in the day for a rehearsal.  Many people probably have to work that day and probably weren't planning on taking vacation time to get to rehearsal and the dinner, especially if the venue/dinner were fairly close.

Even if you are able to leave at 4, it could be iffy to get to even the rehearsal dinner, depending on how much farther away it is, traffic, etc.

I would let the bride know that you won't make the rehearsal and will try for the rehearsal dinner, but can't make any promises.  Tell her you will let her know that day if you can make the dinner or not.

If she planned the rehearsal so early and didn't consult with the bridal party as to how many can make it, then she needs to realize that some of them won't be able to make it.  It sounds like she does realize that from what you stated in your original post, which is great.

RainyDays

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion
« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2016, 09:31:21 PM »
OP with an update.

Thank you all for your opinions. I didn't want to come across as completely inflexible, and wanted to know if I was off base.

I spoke to the btb about my concerns. The initial conversation was left hanging with a "well let me know". Anyway, she said she totally understood and that she would push the rehearsal a bit and make the dinner at 7. I still won't make the rehearsal, and she knows and is ok with it. But now I will definitely make the dinner :)

Thank you again!

lmyrs

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26
« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2016, 01:23:47 AM »
I'm so surprised by the number of people who think that it's crazy to take Friday off before a wedding if you're in the wedding party. Not that I disagree with it entirely. I guess if you're only in weddings in your own home town, it makes sense. I've been a bridesmaid 6 times and it's never been in my home town. So it's just expected that you're going to have to travel during the day on Friday because you're expected at the rehearsal and because most weddings are more than an hour or 2 away.

I get where the OP and others are coming from. I just don't see how it's completely crazy to expect that a member of the wedding party may have to take a day or half a day off work for the wedding. I don't think that's out of the realm of reasonable. I think it's expected in my experience.

I guess that the moral is to consider and ask the question before accepting the role of bridesmaid or groomsman in a wedding that isn't in the same town you currently live.

FauxFoodist

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26
« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2016, 11:09:17 PM »
Why doesn't BTB just push the rehearsal time to 6pm since she had the option of choosing the time?

Sharnita

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Re: Rehearsal Time Confusion. Update 26
« Reply #29 on: October 01, 2016, 07:58:51 AM »
So - I see both sides of it. Totally get the not wanting to take time out of the room. The kids lose a day of instruction. I'm actually shocked/impressed you could get a sub for just the afternoon if you tried. We generally have to take a whole day if we want to do something in the afternoon since subs don't commit to a afternoon job when they could work the whole day for more money.

On the other hand, I wouldn't assume she doesn't "understand" your work commitments. Rehearsal often has to take into consideration the availability of the venue, the schedule of the officiant and maybe musician, etc. Trying to plan around all of that to get the "right" time is tricky. Other people might have mentioned taking Friday off, and she just thought you were one of them.