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Author Topic: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people  (Read 12075 times)

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NFPwife

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2016, 02:23:43 PM »
I'm going to go opposite of the posters. But this is coming from the assumption you have a relatively healthy relationship with your family and that there's been a since of "family" social obligations in the past (like your parent's friends sent graduation presents)

Your parent's offered to help pay for the wedding but you turned them down and suggested they instead fund a tradition of your fiancÚ's family.

You already have a guest list of 165. They've asked to expand it by 3 more (maybe this was 3 families so maybe a total of 9?). Let's estimate 75% of your guest list attends so that's 123. If 5 of these additional 9 show up, would you even notice them in the group of a 100?

Unless there are other circumstance like they've been trying to control other areas or if they invite these then your fiancÚ's family will want to add 10 more, then I'd probably go ahead and invite these people. I just doesn't seem like such a big deal that I'd want to fight the battle. Especially if it's a "social reciprocation" issue your parents feel obligated to.

You could let them know that you are getting top the max of your budget and would they be willing to pay for these people if they did attend since it is more of their social obligation than yours.

I am along with this line of thought (no math for me please).  My parents invited around 10-12 people to our wedding, some came, some didn't - I couldn't even tell the difference.  I know that sometimes we want to put our foot down about these matters, but ask yourself - for the sake of peace, who will care 1 or 5 years from now

 

Here's how it could matter 1-5 years from now, if the OP gives in, it could set the precedent that her parents get to have a say in matters between her and her husband and could lead to the boundaries being blurred.

OP, I think the biggest thing here is to decide, with your finance, if you want these extra people there. Basically, is this a hill you're willing to die on? If it is, set the boundary calmly and gently and don't shift. The worst thing you could do is say "no" and then shift to "yes" with repeated askings.

I do see the point that the brunch is a tradition of the groom's family and having the bride's parents sponsor that could make things seem uneven. I might shift that to telling the bride's parents that they can sponsor whatever sort of celebration they'd like and they can have greater control of that guest list - maybe it's an engagement party, a picnic when you get back from the honeymoon, a brunch, etc.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2016, 02:41:35 PM »
Wow, that's an interesting leap to boundary crossing. 

Her parents asked, not demanded. 

It might lead to her parents knowing that if they ask for something from their daughter, whom they have raised to be considerate, polite and reasonable, she is going to work with them when they have a request.


 

NFPwife

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2016, 02:51:49 PM »
Wow, that's an interesting leap to boundary crossing. 

Her parents asked, not demanded. 

It might lead to her parents knowing that if they ask for something from their daughter, whom they have raised to be considerate, polite and reasonable, she is going to work with them when they have a request.

Given the OP's update, particularly them asking her to change things on FB, I didn't think it was a leap or even a bit of a hop. I think the OP is going to need to assert herself and re-draw the parent-child boundaries now that she's an adult. She can start here, or not, but I'm predicting that it will be necessary.

lakey

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2016, 03:41:09 PM »
Quote
Am I being mean if I say no?
No, you aren't.  This is your wedding, not your parents. You already have a long guest list, it is reasonable of you to not invite people you have no real connection to. I don't know why your parents want you to invite people that aren't likely to come, and with whom you have little connection.
Then there is the issue that if you do this for your parents, you could also be put in the position of having to do the same for your fiance's family.

The good thing about paying for your own wedding is that you have control of the decision making. Don't give up that control.

Simply tell your parents the truth, that the guest list is already 165 people. Perfectly reasonable.

gellchom

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2016, 03:55:37 PM »
Wow, that's an interesting leap to boundary crossing. 

Her parents asked, not demanded. 

It might lead to her parents knowing that if they ask for something from their daughter, whom they have raised to be considerate, polite and reasonable, she is going to work with them when they have a request.
I agree.  Someone posted on another thread that there has been a disturbing number of posts that suggest that giving in, ever, on anything, means that you will be steamrolled on everything, always, forever, so it's important to make everything a must-win, zero-sum battle.  And that just isn't so. 

In fact, in my experience, the opposite is more likely to be the case: people who are generous of spirit about letting someone else have what they want sometimes when it's not really a problem are much more likely to get cheerful compliance when they do say no about something else other times -- as well as being more likely to get a yes from others when they are doing the asking.

Here, as you point out, the parents simply asked.  If the OP, as I suggested above, sits down and goes over the list (of, say, 20) with them, maybe they will decide together that 10 are folks who definitely won't come but would love to get an invitation; 6 aren't really all that important to Mom and Dad to invite after all; 2 have about a 20% chance of coming, and the remaining 2 might well come if invited.  Now it sounds like a very different question, doesn't it?  That is, if the question really is whether it would be a big deal to invite them (especially if Mom and Dad are going to help pay, and of course if there is room at the venue).  I don't mean that the OP must then invite the last 4, because it's only probably 0-2 more guests, but what they will be discussing is specifically whether to invite the Smiths and the Joneses, not any of the big abstract questions.

NFPwife

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2016, 04:05:21 PM »
Wow, that's an interesting leap to boundary crossing. 

Her parents asked, not demanded. 

It might lead to her parents knowing that if they ask for something from their daughter, whom they have raised to be considerate, polite and reasonable, she is going to work with them when they have a request.
I agree.  Someone posted on another thread that there has been a disturbing number of posts that suggest that giving in, ever, on anything, means that you will be steamrolled on everything, always, forever, so it's important to make everything a must-win, zero-sum battle.  And that just isn't so. 

In fact, in my experience, the opposite is more likely to be the case: people who are generous of spirit about letting someone else have what they want sometimes when it's not really a problem are much more likely to get cheerful compliance when they do say no about something else other times -- as well as being more likely to get a yes from others when they are doing the asking.

Here, as you point out, the parents simply asked.  If the OP, as I suggested above, sits down and goes over the list (of, say, 20) with them, maybe they will decide together that 10 are folks who definitely won't come but would love to get an invitation; 6 aren't really all that important to Mom and Dad to invite after all; 2 have about a 20% chance of coming, and the remaining 2 might well come if invited.  Now it sounds like a very different question, doesn't it?  That is, if the question really is whether it would be a big deal to invite them (especially if Mom and Dad are going to help pay, and of course if there is room at the venue).  I don't mean that the OP must then invite the last 4, because it's only probably 0-2 more guests, but what they will be discussing is specifically whether to invite the Smiths and the Joneses, not any of the big abstract questions.

I don't think every single thing has to be a battle and said that the OP needs to decide, with her finance, how important it is to them. If they cannot invite one extra guest, for whatever reason, then they say "No," politely and charitable, and hold the line. If they are willing to negotiate, then having the conversations you've suggested make sense. I think the first, most significant, thing is that they make the decision as a couple. They can ask the OP's parents for the information and why this is important to them and then consider all those things when coming to that decision.

Psychopoesie

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2016, 06:03:38 PM »
Since we're talking about a couple who are paying for their own wedding, love the fiancÚ typo (finance).  :) :)

JeanFromBNA

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2016, 07:05:16 PM »
It sounds like your parents need wedding announcements.  Why don't you offer to let them pick them out and pay for those (with photos, if they want)?

greencat

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2016, 07:40:24 PM »
"Sure Mom and Dad, give me their addresses so I can send them a wedding announcement."
"No, I'm not going to be sending them an invitation - after all, they haven't seen me in five/ten/twenty years.  It would just seem like I was trying to get more gifts, and I'd hate for people to think I was greedy."

NFPwife

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2016, 08:47:27 PM »
Since we're talking about a couple who are paying for their own wedding, love the fiancÚ typo (finance).  :) :)

:) It's less a typo and more, "I don't have the symbol for the acute accent on this tablet.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2016, 06:13:27 AM »
OP, do your parents come from a culture/religion where weddings are really all about the parents of the HC, and their social standing in the community? In other words, do your parents see weddings as an excuse for the parents of the Bride and Groom to invite all their peers, and show off their child who's getting married? If so, I think that's something you should take into account. You certainly wouldn't be rude in refusing to invite the extra 20+ people, but I think there'd be more reason to consider inviting some of them at least.

Otherwise, I'd push back, and suggest to your parents that they host a "post wedding BBQ" (or something) where they can invite all their friends and acquaintances, and introduce them to your new husband.

Huh

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #26 on: September 28, 2016, 08:39:55 AM »
If they just really want to let their friends/family know their daughter is getting married, which is what I think OP said - that they thought they wouldn't come but just wanted to let them know - then I really don't understand why the parents can't just write/call the would-be invitees and tell them themselves that their daughter is getting married.  ??? Why is an invitation needed?

If the parents were paying or helping to pay, I'd say they get a bit more input in the guest list because they are hosts or somewhat the hosts. But the couple is paying for it themselves. It's their decision, they are the hosts.

Venus193

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2016, 08:48:12 AM »
I've been on this forum for a very long time and there have been situations where parents wanted to pay for additional guests only to have it escalate into insistence that the couple cut their guest list to accommodate yet more guests the parents wanted to invite.  If the OP's parents try to tell her to change her Facebook postings when they're not even on Facebook, I can see this happening to their wedding.

When you pay for your own wedding, you get to decide the guest list.  Punto, fin.  Politely decline your parents' offer and close the subject.





Tea Drinker

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2016, 11:32:20 AM »
Saying no would not be mean, and never invite people unless you would be happy if they said yes and attended the event. The relative nobody has seen in twenty years may be delighted that you (or your parents) thought of them, and decide that this is a perfect excuse for that long trip to your part of the world that they've been thinking about for ages.

When my grandparents invited people from all over to a celebration of their sixtieth anniversary, they were delighted that most of those people said yes and came to New York for the occasion. Those people included a cousin once removed, who flew over from London. That's a happy story because they wanted all those guests, and the budget and venue had room for them.

It sounds as though you have invited the same level/degree of kinship of your relatives and your fiance's, and you already have a lot of guests. There's no rule that you have to invite your father's cousins just because your fiance has more first cousins than you do. It also sounds as though you have had to exclude some of your own friends because you already have so many guests, which is another reason not to invite friends of your parents who you don't feel a connection to. That might be another point to bring up, if you don't want to just do the stone wall of repeatedly saying no and changing the subject: since there isn't room for all of your good friends, there also isn't room for your parents' friends. (That assumes they're capable of and interested in reasons/a discussion; if they would try to convince you that Fergus from church who you barely remember is more important than your best friend from high school, go straight to the bean dip.)
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JoieGirl7

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #29 on: September 28, 2016, 01:29:27 PM »
Your parents sound like parents. 

I think you were a bit rude to suggest to them that they could host a gathering that is a tradition with your fiancÚ's family but presumably not with your parents.

And you mention that your fiancÚ has a huge extended family...  what is the division of guest from each side?  Could it be that most of your list is your fiancÚ's family?

The way to have a productive discussion about this is to try and see if from your parents' point of view.  I would think that they would feel that as parents of the Bride they would have some input into the guest list--That this would not be a privilege that they had to purchase.

At the very least, you could offer to send announcements to some of these people and then you don't have to worry that they will show up.