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Author Topic: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people  (Read 12016 times)

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greencat

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #45 on: September 29, 2016, 03:11:18 PM »
Oh and one other thing I forgot to say. I agree with those who say that if some of those people do end up coming, it's extremely likely that they won't be much more than a blip on your radar, if that. With upwards of 150 people there, you will not really have time, nor will you be expected, to say more than "thank you for coming" or "nice to see you" and have them say "you're a beautiful bride" before you move on to someone else.

I know that argument of "I don't want a bunch of people I don't even know at my wedding." I totally agree that it's your wedding and you should decide who you want there. But look at it this way. If you were having 20 guests and two of them were someone you didn't know, that's 10%. At a wedding of 175, two people is just over 1%. Not a huge sacrifice, really, for the sake of your parents, who, again, based on your posts, seem to be pretty willing with their financial contribution.

But it's more like 20 people, according to the OP, who her parents want to add to the invitation list.  If they showed up, they would make up ten percent of her wedding guests.  It is a combination of the type of guests (people the OP doesn't know or barely knows) and the quantity (20 people is a lot!) that her parents want to invite which puts my hackles up - and presumably, the OP's.

lowspark

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #46 on: September 29, 2016, 03:21:07 PM »
Oh and one other thing I forgot to say. I agree with those who say that if some of those people do end up coming, it's extremely likely that they won't be much more than a blip on your radar, if that. With upwards of 150 people there, you will not really have time, nor will you be expected, to say more than "thank you for coming" or "nice to see you" and have them say "you're a beautiful bride" before you move on to someone else.

I know that argument of "I don't want a bunch of people I don't even know at my wedding." I totally agree that it's your wedding and you should decide who you want there. But look at it this way. If you were having 20 guests and two of them were someone you didn't know, that's 10%. At a wedding of 175, two people is just over 1%. Not a huge sacrifice, really, for the sake of your parents, who, again, based on your posts, seem to be pretty willing with their financial contribution.

But it's more like 20 people, according to the OP, who her parents want to add to the invitation list.  If they showed up, they would make up ten percent of her wedding guests.  It is a combination of the type of guests (people the OP doesn't know or barely knows) and the quantity (20 people is a lot!) that her parents want to invite which puts my hackles up - and presumably, the OP's.

Yeah, I understand that. That's why as gellchom suggested, it's a good idea to sit down and discuss with the parents, just how likely it is that each individual family unit will actually show up, taken in context with how important it is to the parents to invite that family.

Out of the 20 if all 20 show up, yeah, that's a larger percentage. If it's only 2 or 3, then not so much.

I think it's important to look at the detail rather than just refuse outright. Again, this is based on the assumption of a good relationship with the parents that seems to exist based on what the OP has already posted.
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gellchom

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #47 on: September 29, 2016, 03:27:02 PM »
Oh and one other thing I forgot to say. I agree with those who say that if some of those people do end up coming, it's extremely likely that they won't be much more than a blip on your radar, if that. With upwards of 150 people there, you will not really have time, nor will you be expected, to say more than "thank you for coming" or "nice to see you" and have them say "you're a beautiful bride" before you move on to someone else.

I know that argument of "I don't want a bunch of people I don't even know at my wedding." I totally agree that it's your wedding and you should decide who you want there. But look at it this way. If you were having 20 guests and two of them were someone you didn't know, that's 10%. At a wedding of 175, two people is just over 1%. Not a huge sacrifice, really, for the sake of your parents, who, again, based on your posts, seem to be pretty willing with their financial contribution.

But it's more like 20 people, according to the OP, who her parents want to add to the invitation list.  If they showed up, they would make up ten percent of her wedding guests.  It is a combination of the type of guests (people the OP doesn't know or barely knows) and the quantity (20 people is a lot!) that her parents want to invite which puts my hackles up - and presumably, the OP's.

Remember that the OP said: "My parents think that these people probably won't come."  The OP would be wise to find out why they think that -- they may have good reasons.  These may be elderly or infirm people, or people who don't travel, or people that they happen to know have a child of their own getting married that weekend, etc.  If the estimated possible attendance is, say, 0-4, it's a very different question, isn't it?

greencat

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #48 on: September 29, 2016, 03:31:20 PM »
Oh and one other thing I forgot to say. I agree with those who say that if some of those people do end up coming, it's extremely likely that they won't be much more than a blip on your radar, if that. With upwards of 150 people there, you will not really have time, nor will you be expected, to say more than "thank you for coming" or "nice to see you" and have them say "you're a beautiful bride" before you move on to someone else.

I know that argument of "I don't want a bunch of people I don't even know at my wedding." I totally agree that it's your wedding and you should decide who you want there. But look at it this way. If you were having 20 guests and two of them were someone you didn't know, that's 10%. At a wedding of 175, two people is just over 1%. Not a huge sacrifice, really, for the sake of your parents, who, again, based on your posts, seem to be pretty willing with their financial contribution.

But it's more like 20 people, according to the OP, who her parents want to add to the invitation list.  If they showed up, they would make up ten percent of her wedding guests.  It is a combination of the type of guests (people the OP doesn't know or barely knows) and the quantity (20 people is a lot!) that her parents want to invite which puts my hackles up - and presumably, the OP's.

Remember that the OP said: "My parents think that these people probably won't come."  The OP would be wise to find out why they think that -- they may have good reasons.  These may be elderly or infirm people, or people who don't travel, or people that they happen to know have a child of their own getting married that weekend, etc.  If the estimated possible attendance is, say, 0-4, it's a very different question, isn't it?

I don't think it's polite to invite people while hoping they don't attend.  You send people you don't hope to have in attendance at your wedding an announcement, not an invitation.  Invitations are for people who you want to attend your wedding.

gellchom

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #49 on: September 29, 2016, 03:45:31 PM »
Oh and one other thing I forgot to say. I agree with those who say that if some of those people do end up coming, it's extremely likely that they won't be much more than a blip on your radar, if that. With upwards of 150 people there, you will not really have time, nor will you be expected, to say more than "thank you for coming" or "nice to see you" and have them say "you're a beautiful bride" before you move on to someone else.

I know that argument of "I don't want a bunch of people I don't even know at my wedding." I totally agree that it's your wedding and you should decide who you want there. But look at it this way. If you were having 20 guests and two of them were someone you didn't know, that's 10%. At a wedding of 175, two people is just over 1%. Not a huge sacrifice, really, for the sake of your parents, who, again, based on your posts, seem to be pretty willing with their financial contribution.

But it's more like 20 people, according to the OP, who her parents want to add to the invitation list.  If they showed up, they would make up ten percent of her wedding guests.  It is a combination of the type of guests (people the OP doesn't know or barely knows) and the quantity (20 people is a lot!) that her parents want to invite which puts my hackles up - and presumably, the OP's.

Remember that the OP said: "My parents think that these people probably won't come."  The OP would be wise to find out why they think that -- they may have good reasons.  These may be elderly or infirm people, or people who don't travel, or people that they happen to know have a child of their own getting married that weekend, etc.  If the estimated possible attendance is, say, 0-4, it's a very different question, isn't it?

I don't think it's polite to invite people while hoping they don't attend.  You send people you don't hope to have in attendance at your wedding an announcement, not an invitation.  Invitations are for people who you want to attend your wedding.

I don't think it's a question of "hoping they won't attend" -- I think we are talking about "know they very likely won't be able to attend."  Often it is people you wish very much would be able to attend.  Maybe that's how the OP's parents feel about these people, but they know there is little likelihood of attendance. 

When my kids got married, my mother asked us (+HCs and DH and me) to invite our several cousins in South Africa.  We knew that there was no way they could attend, but that they would appreciate an invitation.  Ditto my cousin (and her family) whose own wedding was scheduled the same day as my son's.  Do you think we should not have invited them?

An invitation says more than an announcement; it says "We wish you could be here and we know you would want to be if you could."  For geographically distant families, it's an important way of keeping the bonds close: "You are still inner circle even though we see each other so rarely." 

I can't remember the last time I saw a wedding announcement.  Yes, we all know that they do not mean "nyah nyah we had a BWW and you weren't invited" or "send a gift even though you didn't make the cut," but because they are so rare (at least in my community), and because in our electronic age there are so many other ways to spread news, unfortunately that is how they might come across, even to those who know the rules.  I would feel uneasy about sending them, because no matter who is right, you can't control what others might feel.

Mustard

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #50 on: September 29, 2016, 03:52:21 PM »
Gellchom, I know you said upthread that everyone is different, and communities do things differently but I'm surprised that you invited your cousin to your son's wedding on her own wedding day unless I've read that wrongly.  People indeed do things differently!

shortstuff

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #51 on: September 29, 2016, 06:42:29 PM »
I agree with gellchom about deciding on each guest individually, and with joliegirl about the request sounding like something a typical parent would say. 

It happened to me.  We had a big-to-us wedding, with 160 invited and 110 showing up.  Since I know my own parents well, I offered to let them invite a couple people they are close with, and I also invited extended family I otherwise wouldn't have for their sake.  My parents had a small social circle so it was only 6 invited, 2 showed up. 

My MIL, on the other hand, has a bigger family and a much wider social circle than my parents.  She asked if she could invite her own friends, and we agreed that she could and she would pay for them.  She asked to invite 24 people, 19 came.  At first I was shocked by that number, then worried about "people I don't know at my wedding."  Then I remembered that a wedding is a big deal to the parents too, and my MIL is important to be able to have some of her own friends to celebrate with. 

So, as someone who had almost 20% near or total strangers at my wedding, it really didn't bother me, I had enough time to meet and greet them and still hang out with my own friends and family, and everybody had a great time.  Everyone's experience is different, of course, and my own parents (dad mostly) were pushy, but not toxic about boundaries, so I think it turned out to be a healthy compromise. 

Oh, and at the risk of sounding totally cliche, that extended family I mentioned?  Ended up reconnecting beautifully with my nuclear family and they had a boy's weekend vacation together. 

gellchom

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #52 on: September 29, 2016, 08:00:21 PM »
Gellchom, I know you said upthread that everyone is different, and communities do things differently but I'm surprised that you invited your cousin to your son's wedding on her own wedding day unless I've read that wrongly.  People indeed do things differently!
Well, actually, more the other way around -- he had that date before she was even engaged. 
I wrote about it here.
http://www.weddinghellsbells.com/smf/index.php?topic=89624.0

She had known about my son's date and then months later scheduled her own wedding for the same day (which we found out when she asked my mother to help her pay for a big wedding).  I assume she just forgot or got mixed up about the dates, and she did apologize.  Of course no one owns a date, and though we weren't thrilled, we weren't angry; my problem for which I turned to ehell was just how to make it easier for all the other relatives who were placed in the awkward position of literally having to choose between their relatives.   And it all worked out fine, I'm glad to say. 

Anyway, both couples sent each other invitations, for exactly the reason I said above: "even though we know you can't come, we wish you could."  (Sending each other save the date cards seemed funny to me, though!)

I think people have asked the question here on ehell whether you should send invitations to people you know can't come. Most people say yes, if you would have otherwise, I believe.  But I think that's another thing to decide case by case.

Gyburc

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #53 on: October 14, 2016, 05:53:17 AM »
I don't think it would be mean to say 'no' to the extra people, especially since you are paying for the wedding yourselves.

Regarding wedding announcements, your parents could possibly do something a bit different. When DH and I were married it was a very small affair, close family and friends only in the town where we now live. There were a lot of people from the church where I used to go with my parents in my home town (c. 4 hours away by car) who knew me pretty well without being close friends, and had met DH a few times, and they wanted to wish us well.

So my parents bought a nice sheet cake and some boxes of wine, then arranged with the church to hold a quick casual party to celebrate after the service one week. DH and I weren't there, but I think it all went off very happily. We had a few cards forwarded to us by my parents. No gifts were solicited, BTW!

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SianMcClay

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #54 on: October 14, 2016, 11:23:36 AM »

That sounds nice, Gyburc!  My feeling leans towards the idea that the wedding isn't really about the happy couple.  If it was, why wouldn't they just spend some money on a lovely trip to Paris or Cambodia or Texas...somewhere where they are not and would like to be, together and in love.  And if they have any extra cash, put a down payment on a house or a condo?

A wedding is a celebration of a union, by family and friends, regardless of who is paying.  So although there are plenty of reasons why one wouldn't want parents have a bit of a say on the quest list, it's kind of the way things go when you have family.  It's a like it or not situation.

I like this:   https://youtu.be/RPVehvBWJdI


Huh

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #55 on: October 17, 2016, 08:21:03 AM »

That sounds nice, Gyburc!  My feeling leans towards the idea that the wedding isn't really about the happy couple.  If it was, why wouldn't they just spend some money on a lovely trip to Paris or Cambodia or Texas...somewhere where they are not and would like to be, together and in love.  And if they have any extra cash, put a down payment on a house or a condo?

A wedding is a celebration of a union, by family and friends, regardless of who is paying.  So although there are plenty of reasons why one wouldn't want parents have a bit of a say on the quest list, it's kind of the way things go when you have family.  It's a like it or not situation.

I like this:   https://youtu.be/RPVehvBWJdI

Um, dh and I did exactly what you said, spent our money on a house instead of a wedding. We later held a party at the house to celebrate the wedding and the house.

SianMcClay

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #56 on: October 17, 2016, 09:56:26 AM »
Hi Huh,

That's great that you did that, a lot of people do.  I'm just wondering what the "um" at the beginning of post means.  It reads as somewhat sarcastic to me, but I can't figure out why.  Because your buying a house with your SO and having a party at the house to celebrate (which is awesome) has little to do with my opinions on weddings not being about the HC.

Anyway, maybe I'm wrong and the "um" was more of a "Hey" we felt the same way about weddings so we bought a house instead!  If so then, yeah, we think alike. 

Could me regional, where I'm at an "um" at the beginning of a sentence is usually followed by sarcasm.

Huh

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #57 on: October 17, 2016, 11:36:02 AM »
Hi Huh,

That's great that you did that, a lot of people do.  I'm just wondering what the "um" at the beginning of post means.  It reads as somewhat sarcastic to me, but I can't figure out why.  Because your buying a house with your SO and having a party at the house to celebrate (which is awesome) has little to do with my opinions on weddings not being about the HC.

Anyway, maybe I'm wrong and the "um" was more of a "Hey" we felt the same way about weddings so we bought a house instead!  If so then, yeah, we think alike. 

Could me regional, where I'm at an "um" at the beginning of a sentence is usually followed by sarcasm.

It was meant as a hey we did that thing that you talked about. Didn't mean to sound sarcastic. Should not post without coffee. LOL.

I do understand the parents wanting to celebrate with their friends and relatives and people important to them, but I also get that the couple wants to celebrate with their friends and relatives and people important to them. It's not out of bounds that the parents want to invite people, but I think it tips more in the couple's favor when it comes to invitations to their wedding, especially if they are funding the event.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2016, 11:46:29 AM by Huh »

SianMcClay

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #58 on: October 17, 2016, 04:16:44 PM »
Thanks for being patient with me, Huh.  As I wrote that last post I was thinking, "did I upset or offend Huh? how did I do that?  I must find out!"

But then as I wrote the post I thought, I'm probably writing a very irritating post, maybe I shouldn't.  But then, I just had to know!

Dang these emotionless forums where posters can't sense the meaning behind it all! ::)

Venus193

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Re: I'm paying for my wedding; my parents want to invite their own people
« Reply #59 on: October 17, 2016, 04:24:02 PM »
Not that I've ever had to plan a wedding but I fail to see how parents' wishes take precedence over those of the couple.  Especially when the couple is paying, as is the current trend.  There have been past posts about parents insisting upon inviting bosses and other such people who have no meaning to the couple and no relationship with them and conflicts ensuing because that would limit the number of the couple's friends on the guest list.  This is wrong in my book.