News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 20, 2017, 10:53:39 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? Good update #112  (Read 25292 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

guihong

  • Member
  • Posts: 7008
That's great! It sounds like you handled that really well. Did you mention finding a job and a move out date?

I told Cammie that she had to find a job, even seasonal work, as a condition for staying and pressed that she would need the money to live on in NC.  Assuming she doesn't just up and leave early, her last day is January 1 or 2-which was our word that we gave her in the beginning.  If something egregious happens, I have no problem having her call her relative and go there.



SamiHami

  • Member
  • Posts: 4562
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
I wonder if she will up and leave now that she knows that she won't get what she wants from you/your DD.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

guihong

  • Member
  • Posts: 7008
I wonder if she will up and leave now that she knows that she won't get what she wants from you/your DD.

I wonder that also, as there's really no point to staying here.  She can go to her relative's and start her school.  Doing that would make me feel a little  >:(, as if we were used, but oh well.



FauxFoodist

  • Member
  • Posts: 4987
I wonder if she will up and leave now that she knows that she won't get what she wants from you/your DD.

I wonder that also, as there's really no point to staying here.  She can go to her relative's and start her school.  Doing that would make me feel a little  >:(, as if we were used, but oh well.

Well, she *has* been using you both from the start.  You're a lot more patient and forgiving than I could/would ever be as I would've woken her up and made her get out of DD's bed then told her if she wanted to continue with that attitude for not getting her own way, especially when you are under no obligation to help her, then she could pack up her things and leave your home right then and there (too many problems with helping ungrateful entitled wretches all my life has made me hardened toward such behavior; I really do try to be patient and forgiving but there are those, such as Cammie, who will clearly push and push and push some more, as much as others will let them get away with, as a contrite and grateful person wouldn't have pulled that maneuver with taking over your DD's bed after not getting her own way -- I think I got this way from dealing with my own entitled family members so I certainly wouldn't put up with it from outsiders).

Good update, but it sounds like you're going to have to continue to have a firm hand where Cammie is concerned (she has a lot of nerve saying what she did; it's no wonder she's run out of/running out of individuals to turn to).  I would think it would be a relief to have her leave on the next bus to NC (or, even better, right now and she can wait it out in the bus station).  Since her Halloween job is over and DD is not an option, I, too, wouldn't be surprised if she leaves in the next day or so (I still think you need to have a word with her about her attitude when you all returned home to ensure she stops what she's doing or find another place to stay immediately).

JoieGirl7

  • Member
  • Posts: 7908
"Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans"

Spoken like a he con artist!  Wow!

You were more polite than I would have been.  Not supportive of my kid?! 

My response would have been along the lines of:

"The relationship I have with my daughter is none of your business / get out of my house!!!"

FauxFoodist

  • Member
  • Posts: 4987
"Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans"

Spoken like a he con artist!  Wow!

You were more polite than I would have been.  Not supportive of my kid?! 

My response would have been along the lines of:

"The relationship I have with my daughter is none of your business / get out of my house!!!"

How about, "Oh, but I *do* support and encourage her plans, which is why I don't support your plan to derail hers.  We'll drop you off at the bus station tonight after getting your stuff from our home so you can head to NC straightaway!"

greencat

  • Member
  • Posts: 3899
  • Trap...Neuter...What was that third thing again?
I learned awhile back to take a good whiff of several things before I accept them: free clothes, job offers, and roommates.

It's hard to get strong smells out of clothes.
It's hard to get out of a toxic work environment.
It's hard to get a moocher out of your house once you let them in.

crella

  • Member
  • Posts: 1263
Now that you know she has a relative near her school, perhaps it's no longer necessary for her to stay until January. You made that promise thinking she had nowhere else to go!

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 967
Quote
Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans

I'm afraid I would have laughed at that.
Or here is a line, "Who do you think you are?"
If she's living off someone else's largesse, she doesn't get to question their parenting.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"?
« Reply #54 on: November 03, 2016, 12:53:53 AM »
Hi, all:

Well, as I said, DD, Cammie and I all went out for a bite.  I actually did feel something like a naughty child summoned to the principal, but I stiffened the spine well :).

I told Cammie that #1: Road trip not happening.  #2: Move to NC not happening-unless after Japan, if even then.   Full stop, that's it. 

Cammie asked for reasons why not, and before I started to JADE, I said, "I have told both DD and you why not, several times.  This is not a decision I have to justify.  The answer is no."

Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans  :o  >:(.  I told her, "Playing Devil's Advocate is my job as a parent".  I must have been starting to bristle up, because DD interjected "Momma, take a drink of Coke"  ;D.

I asked Cammie what her plans had been for housing if DD hadn't been in the picture, and of course she said "I would have figured it out by then".

Cammie rode home in silence, then went straight to bed-in DD's bed.  DD is sleeping on the couch, in her own home?  Cammie's pretty angry at me, and at DD for not fighting back. 

DD and I went for a walk where she thanked me, reassured me she wasn't angry but relieved (even if she wanted to go on an adventure-to which I pointed out there's a "right" way to have an adventure).  She did say I was kind of blunt, but it's OK because "you're still learning this assertiveness stuff"  ;D.

I don't really care if Cammie is angry with me-maybe it will spur her to get going.  Turns out she has a relative in the city where her college is, so she wouldn't be homeless.  I wish I'd known that before.

So, I think all went well :).  Thank you!

Wow! What an arrogant, conniving little snot.  I'd have just paid the bill then, left Cammie there, and taken DD home.  Or told Cammie she was out tonight, taken her home to get her stuff and then driven her to the bus stop.  How dare this leech speak to someone like that, someone who has given her (a virtual stranger by now really), a roof over her head and free(?) room and board.  There's no way she'd be staying in my home any longer after that.

And sleeping in DD's bed? Oh ehell no! She'd have been woken up, kicked out of the bed and told to enjoy her last night in my home - on the couch.  Where has she been sleeping until now?

Good on you for standing up for DD and putting a kybosh on even more of Cammie's using by not letting DD go off on Cammie's wild goose chase to NC.

wonderfullyanonymous

  • Member
  • Posts: 1981
I moocher can claim residency, so you may have to go through an eviction process to get them to leave, however, residency is the only thing that is somewhat guaranteed. If you are not receiving any monetary, or housekeeping help from a moocher, you don't have to feed him/her. You don't have to supply the "I only use the $XX shampoo and conditioner because it's the best.

If moocher does not like the rules, remind them, they are free to exit the building though it's door. 

Kimberami

  • Member
  • Posts: 1116
In my home, Cammie's comment would have earned her one free trip to the bus station and a one way ticket to college town.  This person is not your responsibility.  She should not be sleeping in your DD's bed!  Get that freeloader out of your house fast.
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

Alicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 774
Why didn't you or Dd kick the mooch out of dds bed and onto the couch if not the curb?

Hillia

  • Member
  • Posts: 3360
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"?
« Reply #58 on: November 03, 2016, 08:59:45 AM »
Hi, all:

Well, as I said, DD, Cammie and I all went out for a bite.  I actually did feel something like a naughty child summoned to the principal, but I stiffened the spine well :).

I told Cammie that #1: Road trip not happening.  #2: Move to NC not happening-unless after Japan, if even then.   Full stop, that's it. 

Cammie asked for reasons why not, and before I started to JADE, I said, "I have told both DD and you why not, several times.  This is not a decision I have to justify.  The answer is no."

Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans  :o  >:(.  I told her, "Playing Devil's Advocate is my job as a parent".  I must have been starting to bristle up, because DD interjected "Momma, take a drink of Coke"  ;D.

I asked Cammie what her plans had been for housing if DD hadn't been in the picture, and of course she said "I would have figured it out by then".

Cammie rode home in silence, then went straight to bed-in DD's bed.  DD is sleeping on the couch, in her own home?  Cammie's pretty angry at me, and at DD for not fighting back. 

DD and I went for a walk where she thanked me, reassured me she wasn't angry but relieved (even if she wanted to go on an adventure-to which I pointed out there's a "right" way to have an adventure).  She did say I was kind of blunt, but it's OK because "you're still learning this assertiveness stuff"  ;D.

I don't really care if Cammie is angry with me-maybe it will spur her to get going.  Turns out she has a relative in the city where her college is, so she wouldn't be homeless.  I wish I'd known that before.

So, I think all went well :).  Thank you!

Wow! What an arrogant, conniving little snot.  I'd have just paid the bill then, left Cammie there, and taken DD home.  Or told Cammie she was out tonight, taken her home to get her stuff and then driven her to the bus stop.  How dare this leech speak to someone like that, someone who has given her (a virtual stranger by now really), a roof over her head and free(?) room and board.  There's no way she'd be staying in my home any longer after that.

And sleeping in DD's bed? Oh ehell no! She'd have been woken up, kicked out of the bed and told to enjoy her last night in my home - on the couch.  Where has she been sleeping until now?

Good on you for standing up for DD and putting a kybosh on even more of Cammie's using by not letting DD go off on Cammie's wild goose chase to NC.

POD to all of this.  She needs to take her act on the road.

Kaypeep

  • Member
  • Posts: 2551
"Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans"

What a great opening for "What an interesting assumption.  Thank you for your unsolicited advice.  But since you are a guest in our home and not our family counselor, I hope you won't be offended when I tell you I don't really care what you think about my parenting."

Did you reiterate the deadline for the end of her stay?  You may want to put up something in writing, maybe a calendar on the fridge with due dates, and check in with her closer to the leave date to see if she needs help packing/moving to her next place.

I'm sure that her reactions are  more due to her upbringing and dysfunctional living situation of late.  She's scrappy and aggressive because she has to be in order to survive.  But she's out of line making comments about your parenting, and ungrateful in how she's treating you and DD (sleeping in her bed!)  She needs to be put in check more often or the boundaries she's crossing will be so far behind you and DD you can't see them.  If she tries to take the bed again then wake her and say "Hey Cammie, you need to go to your bed now, you're in mine and I'm going to sleep now."  If she continues then call her out.  "Cammie, we need to talk.  We're happy to help and agreed to A, B and C for you in the arrangements for you to stay here, but you've been doing D, E and F.   That wasn't the arrangement.  You need to stick with A, B and C.  Understood?"

Good luck and congrats on your spine strengthening!