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Author Topic: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? Good update #112  (Read 25452 times)

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Chez Miriam

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Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"?
« Reply #60 on: November 03, 2016, 11:28:42 AM »
Such great advice and support here :).

I'm grabbing my popcorn and a Big Gulp for tonight.  Cammie told DD she wanted to talk to me, and by the tone reported by DD, it's about how I meddled and screwed up the road trip that DD originally said yes to.  Fine, I said the three of us (Cammie, myself and DD) are going out to dinner to talk in a neutral space. 

DD came to me yesterday and today, admitting that she isn't of titanium spine material yet and needed my help in getting out of the road trip and the move.  I am glad she feels free to come to me when in a pickle; some teenagers (most?) don't do that and get into trouble.

Cammie does have a strong, pushy personality and I think she seizes on DD's waffling and tries to make her JADE, with arguments at every turn.  DD and I had a talk this morning about how this is a teachable moment, and that while I'm not perfect (and neither is anyone on this board), that I hoped she remembers it's OK to stand up for herself, even if her reasons don't seem justified.  I'm going to have to watch out tonight so that I, a grownup, don't find myself JADEing with an 18 year old.  DD says I've improved my assertiveness, even when unfavorable to herself :D.

Bottom line; road trip and move not happening.  DH has said we would, if we had to, help Cammie with a bus ticket and the ride to the bus.  Am I so wrong to secretly hope she just decides to go on to NC, since Halloween is over?

I'll report back tonight :).

This kind of gets my back up, although I admit I could be overreacting.  The general tone sounds to me like a principal summoning a naughty student to the office for a lecture.  She's not in any position to dictate to you what she wants; she's relying entirely on your generosity and essentially, you get to tell her how things work in your home and with your family.

I think certain people don't realise that getting someone's back up is really the best way to have that person (continue to) block any plans.  I struggle when someone polite and conciliatory wants me to do something I don't really want to; when a person thinks they can push me into doing what they want, that strengthens my spine wonderfully - they really are helping me to turn down their "offer".

Congrats on your spine, guihong!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

BeagleMommy

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OP, you are a lot more patient with this entitled young woman than I would have been.

The moment she made the comment about not supporting your DD would have been the moment I paid the dinner bill, drove her to my home but not let her in, packed up her stuff, and dropped her at the bus station or a homeless shelter.  The nerve!

As for her sleeping in your DD's bed?!  I would have marched into the room and told her in no uncertain terms that her place was on the couch and no where else.

GardenGal

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OP, you did great last night!  Unless Cammie has been sleeping in DD's bed all along, tonight she needs to go back to the couch.  I think she's already thinking about who she can mooch off next, so I wouldn't be surprised if she left soon without any prompting.
"No matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Banzai

laughtermed

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I think Cammie has more than worn out her welcome by being angry with your DD and yourself for not allowing the road trip to NC. From now, you can probably expect more bad attitude from Cammie to you and your DD. Cammie left one church family's home before moving in with you. Now she is causing problems in your home. Staying under your roof-it is  a privilege and not a right. Perhaps you and DD should meet privately and discuss Cammie moving out now. If you pay for a bus ticket to NC for Cammie to move to her relative's home before starting school, that's probably a bargain. You avoid more tension and potential eviction issues if she leaves now.

PastryGoddess

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I may be in the minority here, but I don't see that anything has changed.   :-\

  • You keep calling this person your daughter's houseguest, when in fact she is living in YOUR home.
  • You allowed this entitled person to call a "meeting" to basically chastise you for not doing what she wants you to do.
  • After all of that she got to come back to your home...where she pays no rent, and get into your daughters (probably very comfortable) bed and go to sleep, while your daughter sleeps on the couch.
If I were her, I wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.  She has a comfortable bed to sleep in, a lovely roof over her head, and there are no consequences for her actions. 


I guess I just don't understand what you and your family are getting out of this person being in your home.  It seems like it's all negative for you and all positive for her.  You're doing her a favor and she's throwing it in your face.  Why are you allowing her to treat you like this?


I'm very sorry if I seem harsh, but this whole situation is baffling to me.   :-[

GreenEyedHawk

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I may be in the minority here, but I don't see that anything has changed.   :-\

  • You keep calling this person your daughter's houseguest, when in fact she is living in YOUR home.
  • You allowed this entitled person to call a "meeting" to basically chastise you for not doing what she wants you to do.
  • After all of that she got to come back to your home...where she pays no rent, and get into your daughters (probably very comfortable) bed and go to sleep, while your daughter sleeps on the couch.
If I were her, I wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.  She has a comfortable bed to sleep in, a lovely roof over her head, and there are no consequences for her actions. 


I guess I just don't understand what you and your family are getting out of this person being in your home.  It seems like it's all negative for you and all positive for her.  You're doing her a favor and she's throwing it in your face.  Why are you allowing her to treat you like this?


I'm very sorry if I seem harsh, but this whole situation is baffling to me.   :-[

While I do sincerely admire your generosity and kindness, this is me as well.  You seem like a very kindhearted person and that's a stellar quality but Cammie is totally taking advantage of you.  You know now that she has somewhere to land in NC and can/wants to go to college there so there really is no earthly reason (from what you've posted) that she should still be in your house.  She isn't paying rent and is walking all over your DD. 

As for her comment about you not encouraging your DD's plans, well...if Cammie was really her friend, she wouldn't be trying to derail DD's plans which have been in the works for literal years.  I think Cammie can see your DD's upcoming adventure to Oregon (then Japan Oooooo I'm so jealous!) and her future successes (because it sounds like your DD has her life pretty well put-together) and is jealous.  Cammie may not even realise it herself but she is trying to deliberately mess up your DD's plans that she has worked for.  Nobody who tries to interfere in my life like that gets to stay in it for long.
"After all this time?"
"Always."

sammycat

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I may be in the minority here, but I don't see that anything has changed.   :-\

  • You keep calling this person your daughter's houseguest, when in fact she is living in YOUR home.
  • You allowed this entitled person to call a "meeting" to basically chastise you for not doing what she wants you to do.
  • After all of that she got to come back to your home...where she pays no rent, and get into your daughters (probably very comfortable) bed and go to sleep, while your daughter sleeps on the couch.
If I were her, I wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.  She has a comfortable bed to sleep in, a lovely roof over her head, and there are no consequences for her actions. 


I guess I just don't understand what you and your family are getting out of this person being in your home.  It seems like it's all negative for you and all positive for her.  You're doing her a favor and she's throwing it in your face.  Why are you allowing her to treat you like this?


I'm very sorry if I seem harsh, but this whole situation is baffling to me.   :-[

While I do sincerely admire your generosity and kindness, this is me as well.  You seem like a very kindhearted person and that's a stellar quality but Cammie is totally taking advantage of you.  You know now that she has somewhere to land in NC and can/wants to go to college there so there really is no earthly reason (from what you've posted) that she should still be in your house.  She isn't paying rent and is walking all over your DD. 

As for her comment about you not encouraging your DD's plans, well...if Cammie was really her friend, she wouldn't be trying to derail DD's plans which have been in the works for literal years.  I think Cammie can see your DD's upcoming adventure to Oregon (then Japan Oooooo I'm so jealous!) and her future successes (because it sounds like your DD has her life pretty well put-together) and is jealous.  Cammie may not even realise it herself but she is trying to deliberately mess up your DD's plans that she has worked for.  Nobody who tries to interfere in my life like that gets to stay in it for long.

Add me to this as well.  Until/unless Cammie is kicked out, nothing has or will change.

LifeOnPluto

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Not that I'm trying to excuse Cammie's behaviour in any way (I think she is acting like a complete entitled brat), I can see why the OP is trying to steer a middle course. Cammie is only 18 - yes, that's legally an adult, but it's still very young. And if it's the case that Cammie has indeed come from a dysfunctional family, I'd wager that much of her behaviour stems from simply trying to be tough and survive the best way she knows how. On a certain level, it must be incredibly scary to be 18, with no parental support, no finances, trying to make your own way in the world.

With all that said, I agree that the OP should focus on getting Cammie out of the house sooner rather than later. Personally, I'd be contacting her relative in North Carolina, and seeing if they were willing to take her in. And if you can afford it, I'd also offer to pay for Cammie's bus fare - just to get her off my plate.

(And I'd also Google tenancy laws in Arkansas, just so you have a clear picture of what your rights are, and whether Cammie could be considered a tenant - I'd hate for you to wind up in a situation where Cammie - due to the length of time she's been with you - is legally a tenant, with all the accompanying rights, etc)

kudeebee

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OP--It is time for Cammie to move out.  I would be telling her that she needs to be out in two days.  She can call her relative in NC and make plans to move there.  If they can't take her in yet, then she needs to go to the homeless shelter or a church and get some help from them.

Her attitude towards you and your family is unacceptable.  You are not responsible for her, you are responsible for your dd and your family.  Cammie has taken advantage of you long enough.  Keep that spine firm and move Cammie out of your house so your family's life can get back to normal.

FauxFoodist

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Not that I'm trying to excuse Cammie's behaviour in any way (I think she is acting like a complete entitled brat), I can see why the OP is trying to steer a middle course. Cammie is only 18 - yes, that's legally an adult, but it's still very young. And if it's the case that Cammie has indeed come from a dysfunctional family, I'd wager that much of her behaviour stems from simply trying to be tough and survive the best way she knows how. On a certain level, it must be incredibly scary to be 18, with no parental support, no finances, trying to make your own way in the world.

As someone who (not by my choice) had teen users like Cammie staying in my home (when I was 16), I would've preferred my parents to kick out those users (which they didn't).  It really didn't help them to let them stay there and really was a detriment to my well-being.  I suppose if my parents had been parental towards those individuals and laid down rules (then enforced them), it would've helped them (and me).  However, my parents never did that, just like the OP hasn't yet read the riot act to Cammie for her poor attitude and disrespect towards her and her DD.

YummyMummy66

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Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"?
« Reply #70 on: November 12, 2016, 05:13:39 AM »

Then Cammie said she wished I was more supportive of DD, instead of always asking questions or throwing out the negatives for any idea, that I should encourage her plans  :o  >:(.



I would have said to Cammie, that you have been encouraging DD's plans, but the plans we are discussing right now, are not DD's plans, but yours.   

Cammie is clearly not thinking about your DD, but about herself and her plans and the easiest way for her to accomplish those plans.

Hope everything continues to work out.

coolio

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Any update? Is the houseguest still there?

guihong

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UPDATE

Cammie is still here, and boy, was this a mistake.  Y'all were right; we meant well from our heart, but this was a goof with the capital G.

*She's a terrible slob.  DD and I are no great shakes, which makes me sound like a hypocrite, but I have told DD that I fear entering her room because I might take a fall from Cammie's stuff all over the place.  DD knows Cammie will get upset if she moves her stuff, so she's been making do trying to keep her stuff together and trash picked up,etc.  The bright side: DD is doing all her laundry :).

* We found out the reason she isn't staying with her own family or with the relative in NC is that she never told them about NC.  She mentioned the idea awhile ago while still there, and her family told her why it was a bad idea to jump into (for the same reasons I gave during our dinner out).  She has no sense of money management nor maturity yet, in some ways.  So, she was apparently going to ask for help from her family to get a place here in Little Rock, then, surprise!!  turn up in NC.  I wonder why she thinks her family won't want to see her place in LR-I would have, if it was DD or DS's place.

I also thought, when was she going to tell DD that her family didn't know or even approve?!  We've never met them, but I would have felt terrible by extension since, by being there, DD knew of Cammie's plans before her own family.

*She told DD that her cat was making so much noise, she "threw it down the stairs"  :-\.  It turned out to be a joke (we hope), but who does that?  This, and the keeping NC a secret, came very close to "kicking her out" territory.

*In the beginning, she and DD often hung out together.  Now, Cammie more often than not goes out with friends (including boys) without inviting DD, then comes back whenever.  We're essentially a convenience.  I have a feeling another more major reason she left home in the first place was that her family wouldn't allow this.

*Cammie has rarely spoken to me, and never in a conversation, since the night in November where I put the kabosh on NC (road trip and moving).  DD says she is avoiding me.

The only reason she is still here is that DD says we gave our word that she could stay until January 11. 

DH says he's not above calling the police if there's drama, but my own concern is that she'll leave stuff here "for us to keep for her".  Uh, no.  I put my foot down; when she leaves, she has a week to send us an address and we will send her things.  Anything left past that, is donated or considered DD's.  We know she still has two bags full of stuff at the home of the family she stayed with prior to us.  There is also a box of Hot Pockets in that family's freezer that Cammie refuses to give up or allow anyone else to eat (mind, she left there in early October).  She has refused to share anything with DD, too.  No way!  Any food left behind is thereby ours.

I know DD is conflicted.  DH and I have told her, just give the word and she's out.  And, if anything egregious happens after this, she's out, word or not.

What a terrible move.  I admit it.

Thanks for listening  :-[




Mustard

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Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #73 on: December 18, 2016, 09:25:02 AM »
January 11th? Sheesh.... I would like to think that you could start 2017 without this cuckoo in your nest.  Do you think your daughter would be relieved if you advised Cammie of her options, with the emphasis on leave now?

Chez Miriam

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Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #74 on: December 18, 2016, 10:32:04 AM »
Does she have her own key to your house?  If not, you can put a stop to the "whenever" of her return by stating a curfew - and if she breaches that a couple of times she's out.

{{Hugs}}  This still sucks for you, and if it goes on till 11th Jan, it's bound to put a bit of a dampener on your festive season, I would have thought.

I would also say to her that when she leaves, she has a week to collect her belongings/food, otherwise it gets donated/eaten - I'm guessing she hasn't had enough sanctions-followed-through to believe that life won't always revolve around her.  If she cares about her stuff, she will collect; if she doesn't, it can go to a good home.  I don't see why the Guihong family should be unpaid storage/out of pocket [shipping her stuff to the next place] because this young woman isn't really responsible enough to be living without supervision.

I feel for you, and this seems like just another instance of "no good deed goes unpunished" [as I'm sure previous posters will have said]. >:(
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich