News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 20, 2017, 07:05:06 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? Good update #112  (Read 25283 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Luci

  • Member
  • Posts: 7645
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #75 on: December 18, 2016, 11:05:03 AM »
Oh, that poor child! Sincerely, not sarcastically. She has a really tough time ahead, either the facing reality or struggling along from day to day as she is now. You have done all you can, and I admire you for it. I think she needs a lot of guidance you and we cannot provide.

How are you going to handle Christmas? I'm assuming you celebrate th way most of us do with the tree and gifts and family and maybe church. That has got to be awkward!

I truly agree that her 'stuff' needs to be confined to a certain area and disposed of within a week after she is gone. I hope you have the strength to toss her stuff on the lawn and deadbolt the house on the 12th.

I also admire you daughter for being determined to stick to her word despite how abysmally you all are being treated.

Good luck.

LadyL

  • Member
  • Posts: 3429
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #76 on: December 18, 2016, 12:29:50 PM »

I also admire you daughter for being determined to stick to her word despite how abysmally you all are being treated.

Good luck.

I don't. To be frank, I think OP's daughter is getting a crash course in letting people walk all over you. Cammie is a bad roommate, with less status than a tenant on a lease, and  she is using OP and their daughter. She made a joke about hurting your cat!!  >:( If there was ever a time to say "no more - you need to pack and be gone by the weekend" this is it. Leaving the choice to your daughter, who is not the adult head of household, seems misguided if not cruel. You're forcing her to be the bad guy when it's your house and should be your rules. If Cammie was a moocher crashing at your daughter's first apartment, I could see providing guidance but not mandates - but this is your home!!! I think you need to model for your daughter what are acceptable ways for people to treat you when you're doing them a favor.
 

GreenBird

  • Member
  • Posts: 458
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #77 on: December 18, 2016, 12:32:50 PM »
Stop waiting.  Evict her now.  You're trying to "keep your word", but you agreed to let her stay as a guest, not to be a crash pad for a hostile, pot-stirring, obnoxious, confrontational slob who is clearly taking advantage of you all.  As far as I'm concerned, the deal is null and void, and Cammie is the one who voided it.  The sooner she's gone, the better.  She's only going to escalate as the 11th gets closer, and there's no point in waiting to see what that escalation is going to look like. 

You already have plenty of justification for sending her on her way.  Do it now.  Show your daughter that it is not all right to let someone use you as a doormat just because you tried to do something nice for them.  You've given Cammie more than enough chances to shape up; now is the time to stand up for yourself and your daughter.   

crella

  • Member
  • Posts: 1262
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #78 on: December 18, 2016, 01:54:30 PM »
Quote
She told DD that her cat was making so much noise, she "threw it down the stairs"  :-\.  It turned out to be a joke (we hope), but who does that?  This, and the keeping NC a secret, came very close to "kicking her out" territory.


What does she have to do to get kicked out? She has lied, multiple times to multiple people, tried to get your daughter to give up on Japan. She summoned you to a meeting and didn't like what you said, so she ignores you in your own home, and now she's 'joking' about hurting the cat.

Quote
There is also a box of Hot Pockets in that family's freezer that Cammie refuses to give up or allow anyone else to eat (mind, she left there in early October).  She has refused to share anything with DD, too.

She just sounds very off. She has less than a month to the date she is supposed to move out of your home. Has she anywhere to go? Is she making plans? Have you had any contact with any of her family?

Quote
DH and I have told her, just give the word and she's out.

She shouldn't have to, and she is probably putting up with a lot just so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. She may even be afraid of her. I think now it's up to you guys to make the decision and shield your daughter from whatever reaction Cammie will have to being kicked out. I think your daughter is in over her head with a master manipulator.

Quote
Cammie and DD went to nursery school and early elementary school together, then haven't seen one another until a few weeks ago

This bothered me then, and it bothers me now. They're 18. I'm assuming that early elementary means maybe 1st to 3rd grade. They hadn't seen each other in a decade, but she managed to latch on to your DD and move in. How much about her did your DD even remember? As the parents and the homeowners I think you have every right to terminate the deal for her to stay until January and have her move out right away.

Hillia

  • Member
  • Posts: 3360
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #79 on: December 18, 2016, 02:00:43 PM »
Do not agree to store her stuff, even for a week.  You know she'll never come back for it, so you'll be stuck tripping over it until you pay to ship it to her at her convenience.  Anything she doesn't take with her goes in the trash that day.  I am astonished that somewhere there is a house full of adults being held hostage by this little good over a box of Hot Pockets.  She won't "let" then get rid of it?  New flash, sweetheart:. You don't get any say whatsoever on what I do in my home.  And I agree that you need to take control of this situation.  Your dd is being abused in her own home and you are allowing it.  Cammie has lost the right to any consideration from you by constantly and deliberately breaking every rule of being a houseguest.  She's failed to uphold her end of the bargain; you are no longer obligated to uphold yours.

ladyknight1

  • Member
  • Posts: 11904
  • Not all those who wander are lost
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #80 on: December 18, 2016, 02:51:08 PM »
Cammie is a serial moocher. There have been no consequences to her using other people, and there continue to be people that will allow this.

You are doing no one a favor by letting this continue.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

TurtleDove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7253
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #81 on: December 18, 2016, 03:04:37 PM »
I don't understand why you are treating Cammie as though *she* is the head of your household. OP, *you* should be the one calling the shots. Make Cammie leave now. Don't figure out a plan for her, don't apologize to her. Give her perhaps a couple days to vacate your house. If she has a key, take it or change your codes and locks. Take her belongings to the dump if she leaves anything. She is not a value add to your DD, and she is destroying your serenity in your own home. She is actively abusing your DD and you. Stop allowing her to do that. Immediately. Before Christmas. Now.

Psychopoesie

  • Member
  • Posts: 2038
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #82 on: December 18, 2016, 03:50:03 PM »
Make her leave, please. I know it's hard (I hate confrontations too) but polish up your spine and do it.

The comment about the cat is really disturbing. Consider the way Cammie interacts with you all. It's not a joke. It's a threat.

This isn't about keeping your word, it's about dealing with someone who is abusing your hospitality and goodwill.


kudeebee

  • Member
  • Posts: 2702
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #83 on: December 18, 2016, 03:53:22 PM »
I don't understand why you are treating Cammie as though *she* is the head of your household. OP, *you* should be the one calling the shots. Make Cammie leave now. Don't figure out a plan for her, don't apologize to her. Give her perhaps a couple days to vacate your house. If she has a key, take it or change your codes and locks. Take her belongings to the dump if she leaves anything. She is not a value add to your DD, and she is destroying your serenity in your own home. She is actively abusing your DD and you. Stop allowing her to do that. Immediately. Before Christmas. Now.

This so very, very much.  Read the bolded parts over and over and over until they sink it.

You and your dd, heck your whole family, are being taken advantage of big time by a girl who could care less for you and your family!  This has gone on far too long.  You got similar advice from us a month ago.  You chose not to follow the advice, which is your option, and now you are back with the same/similar concerns.

Stop, stop, stop letting her call the shots.  You may have said she could stay til January 11, but what is she doing to keep up her end of the bargain; what is she doing to show gratitude; what is she doing to pitch in?  The comments about throwing the cat down the stairs? the comments she makes to you about your daughter?  the mess she creates, so much that your dd is afraid to move anything that is in her own room in your house?  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  She is using you, your family, your dd, your house as a free ride and nothing more.  She doesn't care about you at all; all she cares about is herself!

Take her key to your house from her.  Tell her that her last day with you is December 21. (I am being generous in giving her 2 days to find a place to stay--she could ask one of the persons she is going out with all the time.)  Give her heavy duty trash bags to pack her stuff in.  Tell her that when she leaves, she must take everything with her and that anything that she leaves will be thrown away.  Tell her that if she isn't here to get her stuff on the 20th, you will place it outside for her to pick up but if it isn't gone by trash day, it will be thrown away.

Then on the 20th, escort her to the door with her stuff.  If she isn't packed, take the trash bags and put her stuff in it for her.  If you feel like it and want her gone, call her a cab and give her $10.  Otherwise she is on her own--let one of her new friends come and get her.

Again, take back control of your house.  It has gone on long enough and needs to stop.  Don't let the fact that it is Christmas sway you.  Your family deserves a peaceful Christmas.

vintagegal

  • Member
  • Posts: 340
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #84 on: December 18, 2016, 04:11:46 PM »
I'm not sure where you live but in many locales she can be treated as a tenant, with all the rights that entails. That could be bad for you if she decides she doesn't want to leave. I would treat her as a tenant immediately, and give her an eviction notice for 30 days from now. And seek advice from a lawyer.

It would be nice if you could just kick anyone out of your house, whenever, for whatever reason, but once she has established  that your house is HER only residence, things are different.

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 967
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #85 on: December 18, 2016, 05:29:34 PM »
I find this thread very frustrating. This girl is an obvious user. She is not your daughter's friend. She latched onto your daughter because she needed a  place to stay. You need to find out what the legal implications of this are. A previous commenter stated it clearly. Once she has lived with you a certain amount of time, there are laws about how you can get her out. There may be a local housing commission or department that you can get information from. Once she goes, I would not give her a week to move her stuff. She is the type of person who will just create more problems for you. It is her responsibility to take her stuff with her.

This girl is walking all over you and your daughter. Good luck.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #86 on: December 18, 2016, 05:34:09 PM »
Why are you showing your daughter that it's okay to be treated as a doormat?  Is this really the example you want to set for her?  Give Cammie 24 hours to find new accommodation and then kick her out regardless.  Moochers and scammers like her will find someone else to leech off in no time; it's how she ended up at your place isn't it?

You're not doing anyone, least of all your daughter, any favours by allowing this to continue. At this point, I'd have to ask why Cammie is more important than anyone else in your family, because by allowing her to abuse you all in this way, that's exactly what it looks like.

TabathasGran

  • Member
  • Posts: 533
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #87 on: December 18, 2016, 06:31:56 PM »
I think it would be a kindness to her to tell her she has overstayed her welcome and get her out immediately.

Allowing her to continue using your family and your home is not helping her, but enabling her.  It is beyond the pale that she is not speaking to you, and that your daughter is tip-toeing around in her own bedroom.

She has no long-term obligations in your area.  I would call her parents and let them know the situation.  Then I would sit her down and tell her she has overstayed her welcome and made it unpleasant for you family to be in their own home.  Tell her she must vacate in 48 hours.  I would not leave her alone in the house for any reason.  I would buy her a bus ticket if her parents are not able to do so.  And I would make darn sure when was on that bus and out of your lives for good.

Bales

  • Member
  • Posts: 388
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #88 on: December 18, 2016, 06:55:04 PM »
I can understand wanting to keep your word and not put her out prior to your agreement, but by the same token, she needs to hold up her end of the agreement.  Tell her if she can't keep her stuff picked up, speak to you with respect, respect your house rules (curfew, cleaning), etc., then she needs to make other arrangements now instead of next month.  I also worry that she will try to claim tenancy, but hope she's not that devious.  In my area it wouldn't work anyway since it's clear she doesn't have her own space and is a guest.  But taking away her key would also aide that argument if you ever needed to make one.

PastryGoddess

  • Member
  • Posts: 6370
Re: How can DD18 tell her houseguest "That won't work for me"? UPDATE #72
« Reply #89 on: December 18, 2016, 07:06:30 PM »
I find this thread very frustrating. This girl is an obvious user. She is not your daughter's friend. She latched onto your daughter because she needed a  place to stay. You need to find out what the legal implications of this are. A previous commenter stated it clearly. Once she has lived with you a certain amount of time, there are laws about how you can get her out. There may be a local housing commission or department that you can get information from. Once she goes, I would not give her a week to move her stuff. She is the type of person who will just create more problems for you. It is her responsibility to take her stuff with her.

This girl is walking all over you and your daughter. Good luck.

I agree,  the fact that you are allowing a person to continually disrespect you in your own home in front of your child is maddening.