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Author Topic: DD's Club Woes - Update #19  (Read 11515 times)

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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #45 on: November 07, 2016, 01:10:19 PM »
I find it telling that the daughters were shocked by what the mother said.  Obviously it hadn't even been brought up with them in the mildest way. 


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #46 on: November 07, 2016, 01:25:20 PM »

I don't see how that's possible considering she didn't let her daughters know that she was seeking a change. It's the OP who ratted her out to her daughter.

She didn't demand it.  In fact, she apparently hinted at it because the OP didn't seem to understand what was really going on, i.e., that the idea wasn't coming from the girls. 

The only misstep here really is the OP going around Betty and talking to her daughter because she thinks that girls that age can make their own plans.  In the same breath she says that families should work these things out amongst themselves but what she did was contrary to that.  By talking to the daughter herself she inserted herself where she didn't belong.

I didn't want to jump on the pile up on JoieGirl7, even after I read the phrase, "ratted out", but the bolded statements show that, JoieGirl7 thinks the OP didn't seem to understand what was really going on.  If that's the case, how did OP rat out the mother to the daughter?  What a strange thing to say "OP ratted her out to her daughter".

When my children were younger and more so now, that they are older, other peoples children are often in my home and mine are in the home of others.  When you have other peoples children in your home, especially if you have known them for years, you tend to have conversations with them, you talk about school, about careers and you would certainly talk about a club that had been going of for this amount of time.  You talk to them about anxiety and study skills and self-esteem stay away from religion or politics, but all other life is fine and healthy to talk about kids too.

When my kids are at their friends homes, they talk to their friends parents all the time.  My daughter watched her friends mother survive breast cancer, my son has a friend whose family have values I strongly disagree with, but they love my son, they treat him well, and he needs to learn how to get along with, and appreciate people with whom we may strongly disagree. 

Anyway, I think it was fine to ask OP is she wanted to cut down the meetings or whatever actually happened there...but it's totally odd to not have spoken to her own daughters first.  I just think the concept of OP speaking to a child who attends her home weekly as being wrong somehow, really strange.

She didn't know what was going on.  She thought that the girls didn't want to come as often, not understanding that the club had become an attractive nuisance to her daughters.  That they were so socially invested that it was difficult for them to miss a meeting and it was a problem for their family.

And certainly, Betty should have just put her foot down and told her kids that they would no longer be attending every week.  But, having approached the OP with the topic, it should have stayed there.

I'm not suggesting that children cannot talk to their friends' parents or vice versa.  But, it's obvious to me in the OP, that the OP suspected she was crossing a line by bringing up the topic with the daughter.  If there was something she didn't understand, she should have asked Betty.


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #47 on: November 07, 2016, 01:39:30 PM »
It might not be a bad idea to encourage your DD to talk to the group and have them talk to their parents about how the club is working out for their families and inquire about any adjustments that may need to be made.  If Betty, or another parent, were to call again asking you to solve a problem, then you can always respond with "I'll let my daughter know that there is an issue and I encourage you to discuss this challenge with yours.  That way, they can come together and solve this problem.  Since this is their group, I think this might be a good opportunity for them to work out conflict and of course, as their parents we can encourage and support them along the way."

I like this too, and think it's a good suggestion if there is ever another club that starts that the OP may or may not be tangentially involved in.  In this one situation, 1) the parents really aren't involved and 2) the club has already been ongoing for months. 

I see no way for OP to have known to proactively go around making sure that everyone was still ok with the things they were currently doing.  Since Betty was the one who developed a problem desire to change things, it was up to her to be the one to bring this up. 

I'm of the group that this was not a reasonable request to make of the group.  Her own kids, sure.  But the OP is not in charge so it's not even her decision anyway, and it's snowflakey to try to change an entire group for your own needs, especially un-articulated needs. 

And finally, who cares if the daughters feel left out?  Their parents should, of course, but I think tweens are at an ok age to learn that they may get left out of things, and then learn to handle it. 


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #48 on: November 07, 2016, 01:57:13 PM »
Maybe Betty was hoping that the other parents felt the same about the club meeting too often. If all the parents were tired of scheduling around weekly meetings, it would work out to talk to the girls about cutting down. I'm not saying she went about it the best way, but it's possible she didn't think she was the only parent to feel this way.


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #49 on: November 07, 2016, 02:31:08 PM »
This is not a school function; grades don't depend on it, participation in other events doesn't depend on it, it's not a competition or presentation where everyone needs to participate equally for the group to have success.  It's a group of girls meeting informally to do something they enjoy.  If a parent feels the activity is taking too much family time, all they have to do is tell their own kids, "You can only participate in this activity one a month" or whatever the case may be.  We've seen that the girls have a way to keep as many people involved as want to be; there's zero indication that the group is going to exclude someone for following their parents' rules about family time vs friend time.  Betty is a total snowflake and making a huge problem out of a pretty simple thing.

So what if the activity goes on for a year or more?  If the girls were meeting every week for a year to, say, go swimming or play chess or any other social activity, it wouldn't be a big deal.  The girls would attend when they could, although most would try to attend as many gatherings as possible.  If a given family had plans for the weekend, those girls wouldn't be there for that meeting, with the understanding that they'd be back when they could.  It's not a formal thing, attendance is not compulsory.


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #50 on: November 07, 2016, 02:50:23 PM »
OP, is Betty one of these people who tries to be a "friend" to her kids, rather than, or in addition to, a parent?  I find her unwillingness to be the bad guy ridiculous. That's a parents' job.


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #51 on: November 07, 2016, 03:10:19 PM »
It's the OP who ratted her out to her daughter.

The OP had no reason to think that Colleen wasn't aware of Betty's concerns.  Which is why I don't like the 'ratted out' term.

Yeah, claiming the OP "ratted out" Betty to her DD is a bit of a stretch from this:
Both of Betty's girls came to yesterday's meeting again. Betty texted me during the meeting about how upsetting it was for her family to be "held hostage" by this club, and how disappointed she was that I hadn't done what she asked. I then did something I rarely do. I sat down with her oldest daughter Colleen and asked her about this. She was shocked. Betty has never said anything to her about the club being too much for them.

It's entirely reasonable to feel that Betty discussed this with her DDs beforehand since her DDs are core members who also helped found the club and Betty's request is to change the frequency of the club, thus affecting *all* of the members, not just her DDs.  Seriously, that reasonable assumption leads to such a charged claim as "ratting out" Betty?  The only thing I could see that the OP might've considered doing instead is have this discussion with Betty, Betty's DDs, the OP's DD and, maybe, the other parents and daughters.

OP -- your update was great; good for you for standing up to Betty blaming you for her having to be, well, her DDs parent and not forcing all the other members to have to suffer so her DDs wouldn't be unhappy with her (and who's to say they wouldn't have been unhappy with her had she been successful in changing the frequency of the meetings and, possibly, making the other girls unhappy with them as a result?).


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Re: DD's Club Woes - Update #19
« Reply #52 on: November 07, 2016, 03:47:03 PM »
One of these days Betty will be asking herself why her kids are walking all over her all the while trying to walk all over other people...

As a PP said, what would Betty have done/blamed if the girls had been meeting at the library every week?
Betty could have approached OP as one of the other parents, and as such should have talked with the others as well. No reason to approach her as a "leader/organiser" since she never was.

Of course they're still teenagers and need a minimum of adult "supervison" around them, but they don't need and don't have an actual adult supervisor or "head" Betty can turns to. It's the girls she needs to talk to.
Acting like the girls aren't "in charge" and shouldn't even be consulted is also giving no credit to the girls for their skills in creating and maintaining the club by themselves.

Yes, the adult in charge of their own children should and will have the last word, it's their job as a parent. A job Betty tried to both pass on OP and tried to usurp the other parents by making the decision for all the kids and not just hers.

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