Leaving things on gravesites

[MadMadge43]

Ok, the topic with the dog stealing toys from the gravesite got me to thinking about this.

My mother visits my dad's grave to make sure it's clean and put seasonal flowers on it (she pretty much does a new dried floral arrangement for every holiday, christmas, memorial day, st. patricks). Ok, it's kind of weird, but she enjoys it and doesn't talk to us much about it so we ignore it. I think she still feels very much a responsiblity to make sure his "home" is being looked after. And is much more active doing this after the following incident happened.

About 6 months after he died she called me and asked if I had put roses on his grave. Umm, no. What do you mean? she said she had found two dozen red roses on his grave and didn't know where they came from. She was trying not to sound upset but it did. I drove over to the cemetary, looked at them, yes they had most definitely been placed there, not just thrown or disgarded. I picked them up and put them in the trash. And told my mother it looked like they had just been dropped there, a total lie.

The thing is, as wonderful of a father and husband my dad was he did stray once or twice (I do not know this first hand, but as a teenager I was pretty sure they were both having affairs, and when my girlfriend's husband cheated on her my mother talked to her about it from "a place of experience", I wasn't there for the conversation, but kind of got the jest).

So my question is, if the man you once had an affair with died, would you think it's appropriate to leave flowers, red roses no less on  his grave. Or if you were just a friend that wanted to do something nice, would you pick red roses? Would you maybe call and let the widow know that if came from you?

Or do you honestly think it was some sort of mistake. I don't know it's always bothered me.

[ehellion]

Wow, that's a toughie. When I was a kid, my friend and I used to go visit a graveyard and clean the graves and pick flowers and put them on certain graves (weird? Yes, but we were bored and felt like we were "helping", lol. Of course this was an very old and abandoned garveyard.) Could maybe a stranger just have left them? No, I guess not.

Well, to answer your question with my very highly anticipated opinion (hehe) I would:

not think leaving red roses on his grave if I had an affair with him would be appropriate, but I'm not sure that would stop a gal if she had some kind of guilt or some unresolved issues or feelings.

a clueless friend could possibly leave red roses, if I was the friend, that wouldn't be my flower of choice, though.

if I did leave flowers I wouldn't tell the widow.

It could very well have been an accident, too.

[Lauren]

If you're aware your dad had affairs, than I'm not sure why you're so upset that its possible one of these women left roses on the grave. I don't think they meant to upset your mother (they might not have been aware she went there that often) and put them there as something they had to do. Maybe look it as a fact that someone else loved your father and was remembering him.

[Rose2Bear]

First, I'm sorry about your dad.

To answer your question - to be honest, the scenario of a girlfriend sounds like a strong possibility, especially since it was only six months after his death. While it is certainly possible, I think it is less likely a friend would choose two dozen red roses.  You did the right thing by removing them and telling your mother they looked accidentally placed. Has it ever happened again since? If not, I'd consider it a final farwell from someone and not let it bother you.

[madmusician]

.

If you're aware your dad had affairs, than I'm not sure why you're so upset that its possible one of these women left roses on the grave. I don't think they meant to upset your mother (they might not have been aware she went there that often) and put them there as something they had to do. Maybe look it as a fact that someone else loved your father and was remembering him.

I would be upset if my father's mistress put red roses on his grave and it upset my mother. Honestly if you're going to have an affair with a married man, you have no right to do that, because you have to know it will be potentially upsetting to his family. But just my opinion.

I would say it was either a mistake or a mistress. Either way, let it go and don't worry about it unless it happens again

[Gigi]

The cynical part of me doubts that a woman who has an affair with a married man has any kind of regard or compassion for the man's wife or family either before or after his death.  Placing roses on his grave is just more of the same behavior she exhibited by poaching another woman's husband in the first place.  It could be a way of sticking it to your mom even if your mom never saw the flowers.

I think you did the kind thing in rerassuring your mom.  Why open old wounds?

[Seraphine1]

This happened with my dad's cousin's grave.

"John" had been married for 30 years when he and his wife separated.  They had been apart for about 2 years when they got back together.  About 2 months later, he died of a sudden heart attack at 53.  She was devastated, and to this day (4 years later) has not recovered.

My parents went to visit some family graves shortly after his death, and they found a fresh floral arrangement and a laminated card on John's grave.  Knowing that the wife and grown son had not been there since the funeral (and that the rest of his family had passed on), curiosity got the better of them and they read the card.  It was from a woman he had been seeing during the separation.  She detailed their romance (quite a LOT of detail, frankly), and made some rather disparaging comments about his wife and how stupid he had been for returning to her.  She also accused his wife of being the reason John had a heart attack.  As the card was laminated to protect it from the weather, my only guess was that she was desperate for it to be seen by anyone who would come to visit the grave.

My dad took the card away.  If his wife or her son had seen it, they would have been so hurt.  They knew John had had some relationships during their separation, but the accusations were awful and the woman's intent seemed so over the top.  Right or wrong, my dad didn't want any more hurt in that family, and I'm glad he did it.

[fklwmn]

I think it would be completely inappropriate for a mistress to leave red roses for her deceased lover. But then again, I think having an affair with a married man is completely inappropriate. My point being, a woman who knowinglingly has an affair with a married man may not be operating on the same propriety scale as the rest of us.

If you think that your dad had affairs then I would say that is the most likely explanation for the roses, and I would be upset too. It was probably something the woman felt like she HAD to do, but it was completely disrespectful to the man's surviving family. Of course, the affair itself was disrespectful to his family, so I'm not sure why she'd start showing respect after he passed.

*sigh*

There is also a possibilty that she was not only missing him, but also feeling jealous that the wife was getting the recogntion as the widow, and she deliberately wanted to make a statement to your mother about her presence. Just awful.

I am so sorry that your mother (and then you) had to experience that.

[ZipTheWonder]

I would be upset if my father's mistress put red roses on his grave and it upset my mother. Honestly if you're going to have an affair with a married man, you have no right to do that, because you have to know it will be potentially upsetting to his family.

Then again, a mistress, by definition, isn't really someone who respects other people's boundaries.  So putting out flowers on her lover's grave would be totally consistent behavior -- in spite of the impact it might have (in this case, if true, is having) on the family.  I would be very upset if I knew my father had a mistress -- but by the time she got around to putting flowers on his grave?  Well, it would be unlikely for her to start respecting boundaries just because he had died.

 

[ZipTheWonder]

Right or wrong, my dad didn't want any more hurt in that family, and I'm glad he did it.

I'm going with right.  Waaaaaay right.  This was obviously done with the intent of his widow being intentinally hurt by an affair she may or may not have known about.  Classic hateful spurned lover move, and thank goodness there was an intervention.

[Clara Bow]

Tack, tacky, tacky. If you are the mistress, then you forfeit certain rights. And tending the grave is one of them. That is the place of the family, and since you aren't family, then you have to bow out.
Though I don't think that we can expect a woman who engaged in a relationship with a married man to be oozing class anyway. I think you were right to spare your mother's feelings.

[Lisbeth]

I'm very sorry about your father.

In my own religious tradition (Ashkenazi Jewish), we don't leave flowers on graves, but I firmly believe that anything left on a grave should be left alone, unless the cemetery has rules about what can be left there or unless the item itself is a symbol of disrespect.

I do agree that people who had extramarital affairs with the deceased have no business leaving anything at the grave.  That does strike me as very disrespectful to the rest of the family.

[Sterling]

If any of you ever watch the tv show Brothers and Sisters it has a good description of how some mistresses can behave after the death of thier lover.

I would like to think maybe it was not intentional but it was most likely an old girl friend.  I could even have been one from a very very long time ago.

[Bijou]

Ok, the topic with the dog stealing toys from the gravesite got me to thinking about this.

My mother visits my dad's grave to make sure it's clean and put seasonal flowers on it (she pretty much does a new dried floral arrangement for every holiday, christmas, memorial day, st. patricks). Ok, it's kind of weird, but she enjoys it and doesn't talk to us much about it so we ignore it. I think she still feels very much a responsiblity to make sure his "home" is being looked after. And is much more active doing this after the following incident happened.

About 6 months after he died she called me and asked if I had put roses on his grave. Umm, no. What do you mean? she said she had found two dozen red roses on his grave and didn't know where they came from. She was trying not to sound upset but it did. I drove over to the cemetary, looked at them, yes they had most definitely been placed there, not just thrown or disgarded. I picked them up and put them in the trash. And told my mother it looked like they had just been dropped there, a total lie.

The thing is, as wonderful of a father and husband my dad was he did stray once or twice (I do not know this first hand, but as a teenager I was pretty sure they were both having affairs, and when my girlfriend's husband cheated on her my mother talked to her about it from "a place of experience", I wasn't there for the conversation, but kind of got the jest).

So my question is, if the man you once had an affair with died, would you think it's appropriate to leave flowers, red roses no less on  his grave. Or if you were just a friend that wanted to do something nice, would you pick red roses? Would you maybe call and let the widow know that if came from you?

Or do you honestly think it was some sort of mistake. I don't know it's always bothered me.

It is entirely possible that they were delivered to the cemetery and put on the wrong grave or had been dropped there.  Sometimes people who visit the cemetery might want everyone to have some flowers and so put some on random graves.  Good for you, saying they appeared to have just been dropped there.  It is a pathetic soul who is so selfish that she would stoop to such actions. 

[Amitisoo]

Oops are you sure it wasn't me?

I often walk through and explore cemeteries. If I see flowers or whatnot that have blown away into the pathway or off a grave I will usually place them on a nearby grave. Maybe I should stop doing that.

I do think you did the right thing saying they were dropped there and removing them.