News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 20, 2017, 05:36:31 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Already Married  (Read 3492 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

lowspark

  • Member
  • Posts: 5477
Re: Already Married
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2016, 11:52:55 AM »
I don't think this type of thing is as rare or out-of-the-ordinary as one might think it is.

I know of two different couples who got married in Mexico but did the legal marriage thing here (in Texas) first. I wasn't invited to either wedding (not close enough to be invited, just co-workers, so no biggie) but I knew that they were doing the legal thing here first so I imagine they didn't keep it a secret.

When they do the legal thing here, it's at the office of a justice of the peace, and it takes 10 minutes. So it's not something that 65 people could actually attend and witness. I did attend one for someone who was very close to me as they wanted their "real" wedding to be officiated by someone who wasn't licensed in Texas. So we went to the JP and did the 10 minute thing, and we could barely fit ~12 of us in that office.

I don't think that anyone needs to advertise, "hey we got married legally first and are doing a fake thing at the destination" but I also don't think they necessarily need to lie about it.

It wouldn't bother me at all to find out the couple did a quick, small legal ceremony here, and then did the actual meaningful exchange of vows before their family and friends at a destination and considered that their real wedding.

If you are close enough to the couple to want to attend their wedding, and are willing to spend the money to get to the destination, then I really don't think that the fact that they did legal paperwork in a JP's office (or similar) a week before the real event should make you think any less of them.
Houston 
Texas 
USA 

violinp

  • Member
  • Posts: 3754
  • cabbagegirl28's my sister :)
Re: Already Married
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2016, 12:18:37 PM »
If you don't like it, I would decline to attend. If your DH doesn't like it, he should decline to participate. But it's not really any of your business about any of the rest.

I'm constantly bemused by the sheer number of people that are willing to ascribe the worst motives onto their friends. If you think that they're liars or cheaters or dishonest in general, then stop being friends with them. It's actually really easy. If you're looking for a way, you can start with, "I think you're a liar." That will usually take care of it.

If someone is comfortable spending a large amount of money on something, even if you think they can't afford it, that is also not your business.

I think that this type of thing is becoming more common. Couples have weddings that are "legal" and "ceremonial" for 10,000 different reasons now. Deployment, health insurance, paperwork, jurisdictional challenges, having the legal right to actually get married somewhere. There are places where same sex couples can't get married. There are places where divorced people cannot remarry. I think if we're going to sit and parse that one situation is OK while another isn't, it's a colossal waste of time and energy.

If we love someone and we want them to be happy, then why does it matter when a particular state recognized his union? Why can't we be happy for her and celebrate when she wants?

As for it all being secret, in a perfect world, it wouldn't be. I wish that some people didn't find it necessary. But, unfortunately, that goes back to people ascribing motives to those that they claim to love and it invites judgement and headache. There's a poster on this very site that proposed having a "paperwork" ceremony in the U.S. just to get it done before their actual wedding in Europe and now his parents are trying to turn it into a celebration. That's what happens.

These people are lying to the point of possibly having 65 people travel overseas for a sham ceremony. I would have no problem with a legal wedding at one time and a different ceremony later to satisfy religious requirements or Great - Aunt Muriel's need for whatever...as long as everyone is open and honest about things. This couple isn't even marrying legally at one point with a religious ceremony later for any real reason beyond "I don't want to deal with annoying paperwork." They don't even live in the country they want to marry in, so they themselves, never mind their guests, are spending thousands of dollars on a trip for essentially nothing - they're already legally married and can live as such. If I found out someone close enough that I would be invited to their wedding had just lied about when they legally got married to get me to spend thousands of dollars to travel overseas and see them marry...I wouldn't be pleased. Honor should mean something. A person's word should mean something.

The "fake registrar" bothers me. That's a bit more than just concealing that a legal wedding has already taken place. It smacks of fraud--ethical if not legal fraud.

This sums up what I just said far more succinctly. They're having someone play - act as a legal official of the government, and that's so not okay.

This is exactly what I was talking about. Judgmental attitudes. I'm sure the couple doesn't consider this a sham wedding and that once the legal paperwork was done then nothing else matters. I'm sure that the couple would be happy to leave people who are calling their marriage a sham off of their guest list.

So it's judgemental to be concerned that a couple is going to have someone pretend to be a government official to have the appearance of legality? I don't care what people do in terms of celebrating their marriage and their joining from two to one, as long as they're open and honest. Hiding the fact of their legal marriage so that people are under the genuine misapprehension that they are not actually married yet is really skeevy. If I found myself in the situation of having to legally marry before I could have the marriage blessed by my religious official, there would be no way I would lie about my marital status. If people decided seeing the legal aspect was more important than the religious, and decided not to attend my religious blessing, I wouldn't be mad or hurt, because they made the decision with open eyes. I've lied about some seriously life - altering things before, and it's damaged relationships. I wouldn't ever do that again, and I would be hurt and angry if I was in the position of being deceived.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter



Sorry, this topic is locked. Only admins and moderators can reply.