News: IMPORTANT UPDATE REGARDING SITE IN FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT FOLDER.

  • May 22, 2018, 01:54:19 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: S/O "asking another IL if invited" Finding out you were invited after the fact  (Read 3748 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Ryuugan80

  • Member
  • Posts: 125
    • AO3 Profile
Related to: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=141929.15


I didn't want to throw off the other thread, but it made me curious.

In that case, the OP said that the most likely scenario is that it's just this one spouse trying to shoe their way into a FOO event. But, since the OP's wife is not the host of the gathering (and it's been agreed that it would be rude to go behind her back and ask the host or another spouse to see whether or not he was invited), there's no way of him knowing for sure, short of someone else mentioning it to him.

How would you respond (or how have you responded) to finding out that you WERE in fact invited to something after the fact?
"Yo, those kids are straight up liars, man. All I told them to do was run product. And by product, I mean chewing gum."  - Lie to Me

wolfie

  • I don't know what this is so I am putting random words here
  • Member
  • Posts: 6935
Do you mean where you were invited but your spouse didn't tell you and went alone? I would say that is a relationship problem and you need to discuss that with your spouse.

Ryuugan80

  • Member
  • Posts: 125
    • AO3 Profile
Do you mean where you were invited but your spouse didn't tell you and went alone? I would say that is a relationship problem and you need to discuss that with your spouse.

No, more as a general question. If someone (a friend, colleague, family, etc) either didn't let you know or told you that you weren't invited to something (whether they were lying or just misinformed) and you later found out you were invited from a third party, how does etiquette expect us to act in that situation?
"Yo, those kids are straight up liars, man. All I told them to do was run product. And by product, I mean chewing gum."  - Lie to Me

Writer of Wrongs

  • Member
  • Posts: 355
  • Mysteries, Thrillers & Whodunits, Oh My!
This could create a lot of awkwardness all around, and I think it's one reason it is incumbent on host/esses to extend invitations themselves, rather than relying on third parties. Say Susanna is supposed to invite you to Hortense's party but doesn't. It might have been malicious, or she might have forgotten. Or she might have thought you wouldn't want/be able to attend and didn't want to put you in the position of having to decline - as we hear from brides or hostesses often anyway.

Later, you see Hortense, who says, "I missed you at my party."
You: "I'm sorry to have missed it, but I didn't receive an invitation."
Hortense: "Susanna was supposed to tell you."
You: "Oh, she must have forgotten."

Susanna is to blame for not passing along the invitation, but Hortense should, as a proper hostess, have contacted you herself.

But say it's Hortense's sister Abigail who mentions it.
Abigail: "I thought surely you would be at Hortense's party."
You: "I'm sorry to have missed it, but I didn't receive an invitation."
Abigail: "Susanna was supposed to tell you."
You: "Oh, she must have forgotten. Please pass my regrets to Hortense for missing it."

Note, I personally would not apologize for missing an invitation that I didn't receive *due to the host/ess not communicating,* but I would express regret at having missed a fun occasion where s/he had thought of me, even if only peripherally.

If there was malicious intent, yes, that's a relationship issue. But again, I do think it comes back on the host/ess to personally invite all guests.
Some day, I hope to get paid to kill people. Now, I just do it for fun.

blarg314

  • Member
  • Posts: 9273

Yes, the above is the right approach when a mutual friend or relation was supposed to pass an invitation along. The host knows that you weren't ignoring an RSVP, and that the mutual friend is not to be relied on for passing on invitations.

If it's your spouse or SO who didn't pass on the invitation, that's entirely an internal relationship matter, though, because hosts generally issue a single invitation per social unit.

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8203
I've been in this situation before. My good friend "Amy" was getting married, and her sister "Betty" was hosting her Hens Night. Betty sent the invitations via email, and unfortunately (as I found out later) made a typo in my email address, so I never received the invitation. Betty also did not chase me up (or check the spelling) once I'd "failed" to RSVP by the deadline. I guess she simply assumed I'd received the email, and was attending, and left it at that.

It was actually quite a tough time for me, since our mutual friends were all excitedly talking about Amy's Hen's Night, and I'd assumed that I wasn't invited, and that perhaps Amy and I weren't as close as I'd assumed. For that reason, I didn't want to "fish" for an invitation, so I didn't contact Amy about it.

Fast forward to the Hens Night, when I received a phone call from a mutual friend "Cathy" asking where I was, and that everyone was waiting for me at the restaurant! I explained to Cathy (and to Amy, the next day) that I'd never actually received an invitation! It was a bummer (since I would have really liked to have attended, but I'd already made other plans for that night). Luckily Amy and I hashed it out, and we're still good friends to this day.

In this instance, since Amy didn't have much input into the planning/organisation of her Hens Night (since she was the Guest of Honour), I don't blame her at all.

So in summary - some version of Writer of Wrong's wording is what I used, and would do again.



pierrotlunaire0

  • Member
  • Posts: 4608
  • I'm the cat's aunt!
This once happened to me in a work situation.  The sales department threw a spontaneous after work party, and some of the staff from accounting (which is where I worked at the time) were invited as well for helping with a project.  I was one of the ones invited, but the invitation was given to my direct supervisor (he was invited as well).  Well, my supervisor thought the whole party was a stupid idea (there was some office politics that muddied up the whole thing).

So I didn't find out until the next day that I had been invited, and I found out from an accounting coworker who had not been invited.  This coworker was good friends with my supervisor, and she relayed to me that he thought it was pointless and a stupid ploy by the sales staff, and on and on and on.

I was extremely unhappy with my coworker for telling me all of this, and livid with my supervisor.  I would not have had a problem with attending, and I thought it extremely inappropriate for my supervisor to deny me the opportunity, mainly because he disliked the sales manager.

I did end up speaking about the whole mess with the controller, and although I never received an apology from my supervisor, he was always very careful to keep me in the loop from there on in.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

akm10

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
Had this happen in my early 20's and the one most hurt was my mother.

My parents were part of a large group of people, centered around a main family. Us kids of the same age were thrown together at gatherings and parties. One day at college, I got a call from one of those other kids. We had a casual conversation, and she asked what I was doing that weekend. "just studying, nothing special". I didn't think anything of it.

I find out later that the daughter of the main family was having a 21st birthday party that weekend, and EVERYBODY was invited. Except me. I was overlooked. To add insult to injury, my mother was voluntold to act as a server at the party and as everybody was asking where I was, she spent a lot of time saying "she wasn't invited."  Yes, the girl who called me had been invited and as we went to the same college, my guess is that she was looking to carpool.

I got a call a few days later from one of the parent-organizers apologizing for overlooking me. I was not a memorable child and I was just forgotten. I wasn't super close to the birthday girl, so was easily able to shrug it off. But my mother was super hurt. Mostly because the slight really emphasized our family's "position" in the group - low on the totem pole, easily overlooked, only worthy of being the server at parties, never a guest.

Anna

DollyPond

  • Member
  • Posts: 718

Later, you see Hortense, who says, "I missed you at my party."
You: "I'm sorry to have missed it, but I didn't receive an invitation."
Hortense: "Susanna was supposed to tell you."
You: "Oh, she must have forgotten."


What about a situation where Susanna routinely invites others to Hortense's parties whom Hortense never invited in the first place?

This is a situation I have encountered before:

Susanna extends an invitation to Hortense's party
I show up at the party
Hortense gives me a look of "What on earth are you doing here???"

I have since refused any invitation extended by Susanna that was not also extended by Hortense.