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  • November 25, 2017, 03:53:52 AM

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Author Topic: How to say honeymoon fund?  (Read 6770 times)

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gellchom

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #30 on: June 22, 2017, 01:34:30 PM »
Quote
And please understand, it's not that I don't understand a couple wanting money to fund a nice honeymoon trip with lasting memories, this method is just inappropriate for my generation/social group.  It used to be that guests would call the parents or future couple and ask where they were registered or what they would like - that is when it would me mentioned that a special trip was planned and hinted that cash would be preferred.  Word of mouth is basically how money was collected, I realize GFMe method is more efficient but really, is it more polite?

Quote
What has become of people supporting themselves and their lifestyle: saving and sacrificing for their future?  *snip*

For the OP, if you are writing that there is a page for honeymoon trip donations, just say so and set up the link, you can't win either way in my opinion, there is no "better" wording for begging.

Redneck Gravy, these two points from you seem contradictory. It seems that you're fine with people asking for money toward a honeymoon when the parents hint for it. But if the couple sets up a website, then it's a sign that people don't save and support their lifestyles anymore and that they're begging.

Why is it begging if you have a website but not begging if your parents do it for you?

For what it's worth, I think it's best to just have a page on the website with a link to any store registries and/or a link to any honeymoon registries, without any commentary. People understand how gifts work. They don't need an explanation.

The first bolded is a very good question.

From the point of view of logic, what's the difference?  None, I suppose.  Either way, the guests are getting the message that the couple prefers cash, and outright asking on a website eliminates guests'  having to ask anyone what the HC prefers.

But etiquette isn't based on logic, and it's certainly not based on efficiency.  I mean, then why not just put a note in the invitation asking for cash?  Very efficient.  And rude.  I wouldn't punish someone who did that by refusing to give them a gift.  But I would think it looked mercenary and overly concerned with controlling people's expressions of love and generosity.  And it sends a message that cash is the only thing that would be appreciated.  Even if that's true, it's just not appropriate to announce that to your guests.  HCs are supposed to respect the polite fiction that the thought that people might want to give them gifts hasn't even crossed their minds.  Setting up a registry for things that come in patterns is an exception to that because there is no other way for people to buy them.  But it's still impolite to distribute registry info to people who haven't asked (putting it discreetly somewhere on a wedding website just barely makes it, because the guest has sought it out themselves, which is tantamount to asking).  And so much more so for communicating that you don't really need anything to outfit your household, but you figure you can use your guests' presumed generous impulses as a way to maximize how much you can spend on a vacation right now. 

I feel a big difference between getting an answer after I ask and being notified of the preference without my having asked -- just as I would feel different about asking a friend what she'd like for her birthday and her telling me without my asking. 

Turtledove, I'm sorry that sounded harsh or judgmental.  As I said, I totally get it about preferring experience gifts and treasuring photos and memories of adventures more than objects.  But at least for myself, I wouldn't feel the connection to any one of the individual contributors to a honeymoon fund every time I saw the photos.  As I do every time I look at and use the silver plate platter my great-aunt gave me for my wedding 35 years ago; she had received it as a wedding gift when she married into my family.  Would I choose a silver platter over a vacation memory now?  Nope.  Probably not even back then.  But the value of the gift, and its meaning to me, goes beyond how I feel about the nature of the gift (object vs. adventure) itself.  Like the way I treasure the macaroni picture frames and such that my children made for me. 

I don't think poorly of anyone who chooses otherwise.  But as a gift-giver, it gives me a little less pleasure.  I feel less like I am giving from the heart and more like I'm just contributing to a fund drive. 

HannahGrace, I agree, the point of the gift isn't to make the recipient think of you -- anyway, not the main and certainly not the only point.  But there is a personal element to gifts, too.  Passing the hat feels more appropriate for  trying to collect funds for a family who lost their home in a flood or something, or perhaps even for a wedding gift for a couple who is financially strapped than for a couple who are doing it because they already have everything that they need.

What we as guests will happily do for our dear ones, no matter how they "ask," is one thing.  But the manner in which HCs choose to communicate their preferences (or worse, control guests' generosity) is quite another.  Two different questions.  As I said, I am planning to give this couple with a honeymoon-only registry a check.  But I can't say I was impressed.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2017, 01:44:18 PM by gellchom »

Mommyoops

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #31 on: June 22, 2017, 01:52:20 PM »
Do those honeymoon funds work like GoFundMe where an amount goes to the company? We write a check to give as a wedding gift without going through a third party.
That makes sense. I was actually invited to the shower and wedding. The wedding website they had did have tons of other stuff including the registry and you actually RSVP'd through it. It was via word of mouth that I found out what they wanted most was honeymoon funds. On the actual website was a traditional registry as well. I think I would be a little miffed if all they wanted was cash with no option to give a traditional gift as well.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #32 on: June 22, 2017, 03:00:58 PM »
Quote
And please understand, it's not that I don't understand a couple wanting money to fund a nice honeymoon trip with lasting memories, this method is just inappropriate for my generation/social group.  It used to be that guests would call the parents or future couple and ask where they were registered or what they would like - that is when it would me mentioned that a special trip was planned and hinted that cash would be preferred.  Word of mouth is basically how money was collected, I realize GFMe method is more efficient but really, is it more polite?

Quote
What has become of people supporting themselves and their lifestyle: saving and sacrificing for their future?  *snip*

For the OP, if you are writing that there is a page for honeymoon trip donations, just say so and set up the link, you can't win either way in my opinion, there is no "better" wording for begging.

Redneck Gravy, these two points from you seem contradictory. It seems that you're fine with people asking for money toward a honeymoon when the parents hint for it. But if the couple sets up a website, then it's a sign that people don't save and support their lifestyles anymore and that they're begging.

Why is it begging if you have a website but not begging if your parents do it for you?

For what it's worth, I think it's best to just have a page on the website with a link to any store registries and/or a link to any honeymoon registries, without any commentary. People understand how gifts work. They don't need an explanation.


Gollymolly, I can't disagree with you-they are contradictory.  Begging is begging, it's the method.  It is just the difference in generation/social norms that were acceptable many years ago. 

GFMe is becoming an acceptable alternative, in another few years/decades someone will come up with a better method and a new generation will be outraged at the audacity...

For me, I would just write a check and skip the skimming method of GFMe because it's not easier for me but I can see where it would be for others.

I am more aggravated at the begging for the list I had in my original post - new furniture, new landscaping, a grand vacation, college funds, etc.   


miranova

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #33 on: June 29, 2017, 09:23:59 AM »
I agree that using wording that suggests that tangible things are not welcome at all isn't gracious.  Leave that off and a honeymoon registry won't bother me.

We have some friends getting married and they have a wedding website.  There are 3 registries:  Target, Amazon, and the cruiseline where they are taking their cruise honeymoon.  Three might seem like a lot but honestly I get it.  There are things you can get on Amazon that you can't get at Target and with so many people having Prime accounts now, shipping is already free. Plus none of them had a ton of items.  It came across to me that they were just trying to make things as easy as possible on everyone.  Some people like to shop in person, so Target is for them.  Some people like online shopping, so Amazon is for them, and some people just want to give cash and be done with it, so the cruise registry is for them.  We chose to do the cruise registry and bought them an excursion.  After choosing the amount (which was in increments of $50), there was a 9% fee.  I can't say that I like that, but it didn't stop me from doing it.  Just putting it out there so people know how it works.

I hate shopping and wrapping presents, so in that sense the honeymoon registry is great for me as a giver.   :D
« Last Edit: June 29, 2017, 09:26:00 AM by miranova »

gellchom

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #34 on: June 29, 2017, 01:53:02 PM »
I agree that using wording that suggests that tangible things are not welcome at all isn't gracious.  Leave that off and a honeymoon registry won't bother me.

We have some friends getting married and they have a wedding website.  There are 3 registries:  Target, Amazon, and the cruiseline where they are taking their cruise honeymoon.  Three might seem like a lot but honestly I get it.  There are things you can get on Amazon that you can't get at Target and with so many people having Prime accounts now, shipping is already free. Plus none of them had a ton of items.  It came across to me that they were just trying to make things as easy as possible on everyone.  Some people like to shop in person, so Target is for them.  Some people like online shopping, so Amazon is for them, and some people just want to give cash and be done with it, so the cruise registry is for them.  We chose to do the cruise registry and bought them an excursion.  After choosing the amount (which was in increments of $50), there was a 9% fee.  I can't say that I like that, but it didn't stop me from doing it.  Just putting it out there so people know how it works.

I hate shopping and wrapping presents, so in that sense the honeymoon registry is great for me as a giver.   :D

Miranova, wow, a 9% fee!  That's a big one.  Who pays it, you or the HC?

Why not just send them a check instead, then?

miranova

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Re: How to say honeymoon fund?
« Reply #35 on: July 07, 2017, 11:26:31 AM »
We paid the fee. 

I do agree that 9% is high. I wasn't happy to see that tacked on at the end.  But I guess I was invested at that point.  We wanted to give them the excursion itself, not cash.  Semantics, maybe, but it feels different.  Plus the fee isn't going to break us.