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Author Topic: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9  (Read 7430 times)

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Angel B.

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How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« on: January 21, 2017, 03:59:15 PM »
Hi All! I need a little advice on how to navigate this situation politely.

I'm getting married in 9 months and most of my bridesmaids(except my MOH) are abroad. So it's been tricky trying to navigate things.

I asked my cousin to be one mostly because I thought everyone in my family expected me to. Growing up we were best friends but when we got to jr high/high school, things drastically changed and I gave her the CD for about 5 years. We made up but it's been more she thinks we're back to "normal" but I still keep her at arms length to make sure I don't get hurt again. My family is completely aware of this situation and were very surprised when I asked her.

I've actually found wedding planning very stress free but every time I get stressed, it has to do with her. At my engagement party, she tried to bring her BF to meet the family(We live overseas so it was my DF's first time meeting the family). This was shot down, but caused issues between my cousin and her mom and the rest of the family. I've been looking for bridesmaid dresses with my MOH, and when I've shown the girls, my cousin has decided to try to give me other options that coincidentally were also much cheaper. Options I'd already looked at and vetoed for various reasons like the colour was wrong or I didn't trust the website. She then complained that I said they could just buy any dress as long as it was the right colour, when I actually said I was thinking about that. All of this was done on the group chat I set up to keep in touch with the girls.

I've now found a wonderful dress that I can order through the shop that I've gotten my own dress at. I was even able to get a discount of ordering 5 or more dresses you get one of the dresses for free. This was perfect since I have 5 girls standing up for me, and then everyone would get a 20% discount! My cousin has refused to do this. Instead, she wants to order from a website and be saving literally $30(20 GBP). This also now means the other girls will have to pay full price.

I'm worried this makes me sound like a bridezilla, but I feel like she is being so selfish and difficult.

So my question is how can I ask her if she wants to step down?
« Last Edit: January 22, 2017, 06:23:11 AM by Angel B. »
My greatest treasure is love beyond measure.
-Il barbiere di Siviglia

HannahGrace

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2017, 04:06:43 PM »
Did you ask her, and the other bridesmaids, what their budget was before you started looking at dresses?

Alicia

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 04:21:22 PM »
It is a huge and potentially relationship ending thing to ask someone if they want to step down.
You should probably ask all the bridesmaids what their dress budget is and then meet that. If 30 dollars is nothing to you to the point that you think she is silly for caring over 30 dollars you could offer to pay the 30 dollars.

Alicia

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 04:24:14 PM »
Also I kinda think you were out of line saying she couldn't bring her bf to your engagement party. Unless he is very new. Significant others are usually invited and how many times your DF has met the family is irrelevent to if your bridesmaids should be allowed to bring boyfriends.

Miss Cathy

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2017, 04:45:29 PM »
I think the mistake you made was asking her to be bridesmaid in the first place. It seems everything she does is being viewed through the lens of whatever bad thing she did before, that resulted in the CD. So, if this was your best friend, and she suggested something you didn't want to do, you'd ascribe the best motives to that. Wants a cheaper dress? She must be on a tight budget, or just be naturally thrifty. Wants the bridesmaids in different dresses, same colour? She must have fallen in love with the idea when she saw it on Pinterest. Wants to bring her boyfriend? Must be excited about the relationship. From the information in your post, it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong. But then, I don't know her, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If you ask her to stand down, it's because you haven't forgiven her for whatever she did in the past. That's your right. But try not to make it be about these bridesmaid related issues,

lorelai

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2017, 05:07:46 PM »
I personally think brides should be paying for dresses since it's all about their vision and what they want. If the dress is the only issue, you can resolve this by paying for them all. I don't think there is a polite way to ask someone to step down in this particular case.

rose red

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2017, 05:34:59 PM »
I also don't think there's a polite way to ask if it's Cousin who wants to step down. To me, it sounds like you want her out of the wedding (which may be justified or understandable). If that's the case, then you need to own up to it.

eta: Is it the same dress at both the shop and website? If so, I'm not sure why it matters where the bridesmaids buy them, especially if they can save money at the website. If Cousin is going off on her own and ordering a completely different dress, that's a different issue.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2017, 05:47:32 PM by rose red »

NyaChan

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2017, 06:19:58 PM »
Why can't all the bridesmaids order thru cousin's chosen website to save $30?  The way you describe it sounds like the discount you're getting at your shop isn't as good as what cousin's website is selling at.

For the main question, I think this is very much a case of a not liked person's behavior sticking out to you where another person wouldn't have bothered you as much by doing the same thing.  I could be wrong, maybe she is pestering you at every turn or copping an attitude if she doesn't get her way, but ultimately, you shouldn't have asked someone you didn't like to be in your wedding party.  If you do ask her to bow out, I think you would be making a huge statement and causing yourself a lot of trouble, mainly because nothing she has done seems to merit this removal. 

I'd also rethink how you are approaching this based on the title of your thread.  It doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be in the wedding so as another poster indicated, you should own up to the reality - that you asked her and are now regretting it. 

lakey

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2017, 11:47:54 PM »
Quote
How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
I don't think that there is any way that you can do that without ruining whatever the relationship is. Then this is complicated by the fact that she is a relative, so it may create problems with her parents and other relatives. Your aunt may not have minded that you didn't want her to bring her BF to the engagement party, but asking her if she wants to opt out of being in the wedding problem could be seen in a much more serious light. It doesn't sound to me that the problems so far are serious enough to warrant this. The idea of letting them all order the dresses online, might be a good way to go, especially if they live in different places and would have a hard time getting to the store you have picked out.

Angel B.

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 06:22:47 AM »
Hi all, thanks for the feedback, it's a lot to think about.

Also I kinda think you were out of line saying she couldn't bring her bf to your engagement party. Unless he is very new. Significant others are usually invited and how many times your DF has met the family is irrelevent to if your bridesmaids should be allowed to bring boyfriends.

I didn't say she couldn't, my mom did. He was never invited, it was a family only party which my mother and aunt(not her mom) organised and paid for. They put it on so my grandmother(who is too old to travel) could be a part of the wedding celebrations. My cousin announced she was bringing him to the party so he could meet the family. My family viewed it as her trying to upstage us, our visit was for them to get to know my DF, who they see as becoming a part of the family.

Why can't all the bridesmaids order thru cousin's chosen website to save $30?  The way you describe it sounds like the discount you're getting at your shop isn't as good as what cousin's website is selling at.


The savings my cousin can get only applies to the USA, which would work for one other girl. The other 3 are in the UK and Hong Kong, so the cost to order and ship would be greater than ordering through the shop and I post it to them. I felt ordering from the shop was the best option and my mom was going to take the dresses back to the USA for my cousin and other friend when she came to visit. I did ask the girls if they liked the dress and when I went to look for them, I tried to look for one they could wear again. I actually picked one of the convertible ones where you can change the top based on what looks good/what you'd like. I did run by the cost of the dresses with the girls, none of whom had an issue. All the girls actually make alot more money than I do, except for my MOH. My MOH went with me and we tried to find a dress that wasn't too expensive.

For now, I'm just going to leave it and I'm looking at alternatives for the other girls. I do agree that yes, I am regretting asking her. I suppose a large part of it is I know the history, which I don't want to get into because it's not 100% relevant to this, other than yes, it does colour my perception of alot of what she does.
My greatest treasure is love beyond measure.
-Il barbiere di Siviglia

HannahGrace

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2017, 06:56:13 AM »
OP, are you in the U.K.? I thought it was traditional in the U.K. for the bride to purchase the dresses for the bridesmaids.

NyaChan

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down?
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2017, 10:02:52 AM »
Hi all, thanks for the feedback, it's a lot to think about.

Also I kinda think you were out of line saying she couldn't bring her bf to your engagement party. Unless he is very new. Significant others are usually invited and how many times your DF has met the family is irrelevent to if your bridesmaids should be allowed to bring boyfriends.

I didn't say she couldn't, my mom did. He was never invited, it was a family only party which my mother and aunt(not her mom) organised and paid for. They put it on so my grandmother(who is too old to travel) could be a part of the wedding celebrations. My cousin announced she was bringing him to the party so he could meet the family. My family viewed it as her trying to upstage us, our visit was for them to get to know my DF, who they see as becoming a part of the family.

Why can't all the bridesmaids order thru cousin's chosen website to save $30?  The way you describe it sounds like the discount you're getting at your shop isn't as good as what cousin's website is selling at.


The savings my cousin can get only applies to the USA, which would work for one other girl. The other 3 are in the UK and Hong Kong, so the cost to order and ship would be greater than ordering through the shop and I post it to them. I felt ordering from the shop was the best option and my mom was going to take the dresses back to the USA for my cousin and other friend when she came to visit. I did ask the girls if they liked the dress and when I went to look for them, I tried to look for one they could wear again. I actually picked one of the convertible ones where you can change the top based on what looks good/what you'd like. I did run by the cost of the dresses with the girls, none of whom had an issue. All the girls actually make alot more money than I do, except for my MOH. My MOH went with me and we tried to find a dress that wasn't too expensive.

For now, I'm just going to leave it and I'm looking at alternatives for the other girls. I do agree that yes, I am regretting asking her. I suppose a large part of it is I know the history, which I don't want to get into because it's not 100% relevant to this, other than yes, it does colour my perception of alot of what she does.

Another option could be for you to gather their sizes and handle the ordering from the US.  They can then pay you directly.  That's if you really want that dress and don't think alterations will be necessary.  Otherwise, when you have bridesmaids around the world, I really do think the suggestion to just pick a color and maybe even fabric type would be the easiest option for everyone.  I had a bride who asked for a particular color and general length but left the actual dress choice up to us when we were spread out around the country and it worked really well

Oh Joy

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2017, 10:28:25 AM »
This is kind of an aside, but not entirely...

When I read this thread, it reminded me of the movie Bridesmaids (sheer coincidence!) where Annie's roommates are telling her to move out.  But they phrased it as "We'd like to invite you to no longer live with us anymore."

I understand you've got some 20/20 hindsight about choosing her.  But I do suggest you be more straightforward in the phrasing you're using. 

Best wishes in your wedding planning.  It can get complicated in the most unexpected places!

Cali.in.UK

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2017, 01:27:47 PM »
Hmm, I'm not sure about the banning of cousin's BF at the party. As someone who is not part of the situation and just reading about it, it seems like cousin inviting her BF (which as previous PPs have mentioned is pretty standard) was viewed in a very negative way by you and your mom. Just reading it, it seems like a normal enough thing to do. If you are not allowing anyone else to bring a plus one, then that is more reasonable, but if she is flying from the US with him and she is the only one not allowed to bring a pus one, then it seems unfair.

You had said there was a bad history between the two of you, is it possible that the remaining tension/bad feelings on your end are coloring her actions here? Either way it might be good to just have a one-on-one chat with her and let her know that some of the things she is doing has bothered you. I got married over the summer and I had a friend cause me a bit of stress too because we also had lingering tension. I regret not talking the tension out with her while our friendship was still salvageable. In the end the tension grew and we were both irritated with each other's behaviour the day of my wedding and have not spoken since.

Bales

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2017, 02:08:43 PM »
Sounds like the family did not know the BF and he was not invited, so yes, it was rude to state that she was bringing him.  Since it's family, perhaps I could see asking.  We don't know how long this person has been the BF, but clearly not long enough to meet the family previously.