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Author Topic: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9  (Read 4675 times)

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doodlemor

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2017, 03:28:43 PM »
I've mulled over this thing about cousin wanting to invite her current BF to OP's family's Meet the Fiance Party.

If the party is only family, except for the two extra men, it puts cousin's BF on the same footing as the fiance - Sophia is right.  The two men will "stick out," and the extended family will think that it is a joint party with two bridegrooms.

We don't know much about the history between OP and cousin,  except to know that there have been problems.  Perhaps more ehellions would understand the decision of the party hosts not to include cousin's BF if we knew more of the history.

In any event, it's outside social norms to invite a person to someone else's party.   The whole ehell blog today is on this very subject. 


gellchom

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2017, 03:53:54 PM »
I can understand the annoyance about the bf at the party.   If he were that serious of a bf, they would have met him already.   Bringing him to the party with the purpose of the family meeting the fiance' sets the bf up as equivalent.  That makes it different than a 90th birthday party.  Also, the cousin's bf is local, and the fiance' isn't.   She can introduce her bf to her immediate family some other time.

I don't think that it would set him up as equivalent.  This was the OP's engagement party; her fiance was guest of honor.  I presume he got gifts and toasts.  The boyfriend would just have been an ordinary guest.  That's not at all equivalent.  It would not upstage anyone or anything. 

And there was nothing about wanting to introduce him to her immediate family (she may already have done that anyway).  I agree, some other time would be fine for that.  The point was for him to be able to meet the extended family.  Especially the OP, in fact, because she lives overseas.  That's why it made sense to ask if he could come to this party; when else to do that other than at an extended family event?  In fact, it's so common that it comes up from time to time in the form of someone criticizing the guests of honor who complain at feeling like they have to share even a tiny bit of attention.  And this wasn't even the wedding.

The question someone asked above about whether he would have been included if he had already met the family made me think of something else: how many people would it take before the OP's mom wouldn't have thought it upstaging?  I mean, suppose that his boyfriend had already met some of the family, at least Cousin's immediate family and some of the others.  Does he have to have met more than half of the other guests or something before it wouldn't be "upstaging" to have him there so he could meet the others?    30%?  80%?  I think that it was fine for Cousin to ask, and I bet it wouldn't have bothered the OP if she didn't dislike her (which we can all relate to!  But still.).

Pooky582 makes a good point, though.  This and the dress issue are red herrings.

The question is whether there is a polite way that the OP can fire her cousin as bridesmaid.  And I think the answer is no.  To the extent the dress and party issues are relevant, it's only because they are the only things Cousin has done since the OP asked her to be an attendant, and the question is whether they are bad enough to justify firing her.  There seems to be pretty universal agreement that they aren't.  We can understand the OP's annoyance, but it's not like she slept with the groom or killed the OP's puppy or something.  Way disproportionate.

So it comes down to having to own her real reason for wanting to get Cousin out of the wedding: she doesn't like her.

That would have been enough not to ask her in the first place.  But she did ask her.  Rescinding that invitation would be a huge deal -- and as she is a relative, one with awkwardness for other family members, too -- and to be justified must be based on something other than regretting having asked her.

OP, consider that Cousin being a bridesmaid is probably not going to affect you much on your wedding day; she won't be a point of focus -- but there is no way you can kick her out without that becoming a point of focus, both for you and for the family.  You really don't want to be having that as one of the major memories of your wedding (for you and the family guests).  If you fire her, it will spoil your own pleasure because you will be second-guessing yourself every day before the wedding and perhaps beyond.

Right now you are the gracious and forgiving one who invited Cousin to be an attendant even though she had behaved badly to you in the past; you can stay there, or you can become the one who humiliated Cousin by kicking her out of the wedding for no good reason (and, some might even wonder, planned it all along and only asked her in the first place just to be able to fire her). 

Don't take that risk.  You're never sorry when you behave as your best self, not do the least you can get away with.  You know what the right thing to do is.  I promise you won't regret it.  And you'll be able to stop thinking about her (and how annoying she is!) all the time and focus on your wonderful wedding!


cicero

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2017, 04:46:46 PM »
I don't think OP needs advice about the dresses or the engagement party issue. Those were only offered up as examples of her cousins behavior. Her question was how to approach her cousin with the idea of not being a bridesmaid. And I can't imagine there is a way to do it that won't ruffle any feathers, but if you are truly unhappy with her being apart of this experience, you have to try.

I think that these particular examples *are* relevant.  Because if these are two out of 100 really bad behaviors,  then that is one thing.  But what I and others tried to get clarity on,  is if in fact *these* examples are the entirety of  OP'S  list of complaints,  then I  don't think that *these* incidents warrant a demotion that will cause real family strife.


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julianna

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2017, 09:35:22 PM »
It's generally recommended to order all the bridesmaids dresses together, to make sure they all come from the same dye lot (otherwise, you risk having one of them look slightly different).  I would offer her the $30 difference.


lmyrs

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2017, 02:19:49 PM »
I don't think it's fair to say that if the BF was so important, that he'd already have met the family.

1. The OP's DF hadn't met the family yet and no one is suggesting that he isn't important to the OP.
2. The first time has to be something. Maybe some families have regular Sunday dinners with all their cousins and aunts and uncles but many families have weddings and funerals. We also have some holidays and some other events, but those usually only draw in 50-65 percent of the family. If you want to "meet the family" it's at someone else's event.

When I first started dating DH, it so happened that my mom's family had a big family reunion so DH (then BF) came along and met everyone there. But that was just very good timing as those reunions happen several years apart. Both of my sisters and my brother introduced their future spouses to our extended family at a cousin's wedding. I know that at least one of my cousin's brought a girlfriend to my wedding that I hadn't met yet, though his immediate family was already quite close to her.

The point is, if you can't introduce your SO to your extended family at a family event, then when are you supposed to? If my cousin's BF comes to our Cousin Camping Trip and meets 50% of my cousins but none of  my aunts and uncles, then are they barred from an engagement party since the aunts and uncles haven't seen him yet and so he'll "steal the thunder"? What if he's met grandma and all of the aunts and uncles but only 2% of the cousins? It just seems arbitrary to say that inviting a new SO to someone else's event is wrong.


Maria16

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2017, 07:52:32 AM »
It's generally recommended to order all the bridesmaids dresses together, to make sure they all come from the same dye lot (otherwise, you risk having one of them look slightly different).  I would offer her the $30 difference.

This is so true. They won't be the same color otherwise .

HannahGrace

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2017, 08:26:33 AM »
It's generally recommended to order all the bridesmaids dresses together, to make sure they all come from the same dye lot (otherwise, you risk having one of them look slightly different).  I would offer her the $30 difference.

This is so true. They won't be the same color otherwise .

I thought this was less of an issue with modern fabrics and dyeing techniques than it used to be. In any case I think it's going a bit far to say they "won't be the same color." 

Maria16

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2017, 03:33:51 PM »
Depends how good your eye is. My mom would notice from 2 blocks away. I would probably need to hold the fabrics up together. It's not remotely uncommon and happens constantly with suits, etc.


As for whether there is a polite way to get rid of cousin, we all agree there is not. However, that doesn't mean the bride shouldn't do it anyway, if that will make her much happier. She just must be prepared to deal with any awkwardness and bad feelings. I would find the potential unpleasantness more stressful than allowing things to remain the same so I wouldn't select that option but everyone is different. I also have a drastically different view on the concept of upstaging than many others here. That concept would not occur to me in a context that doesn't involve children and who wore the prettier pricess custome, or something. A group of adults who can't handle an evening where they meet more than one new potential family member without flying into a tizzy and forgetting they are at an engagement party honoring one couple is just outside my frame of reference. Unless the cousin's bf is Brad Pitt or something.

sammycat

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Re: How to Politely Ask Someone if They Want To Step Down? UD #9
« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2017, 04:25:47 PM »
[quote author=Maria16 . A group of adults who can't handle an evening where they meet more than one new potential family member without flying into a tizzy and forgetting they are at an engagement party honoring one couple is just outside my frame of reference. Unless the cousin's bf is Brad Pitt or something.
[/quote]

Pod.  We've had new bofriends/girlfriends/future spouses turn up for the first time at all sorts of family events such as weddings, 21st, christenings, engagement parties, and it's never overshadowed or been a detraction from the main event/person.