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  • November 20, 2017, 07:04:15 PM

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Author Topic: Ignoring The Main Activity  (Read 11116 times)

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Easter Hat

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #45 on: February 03, 2017, 12:13:03 PM »
I agree - not rude.  I dislike watching sports on tv.  I've attended many football parties with my trust phone and found the worst seat in the house and kept myself entertained until after the game.

When it's a more intimate party I will make an attempt to pay attention to the game instead of playing on my phone.  But I have found that the people genuinely interested in the game do not care what I'm doing - no matter the size of the party.

There might be situations where it would be rude to not "participate".  Such as a book group.  If I asked my husband to bring me to a book discussion and he agreed I would be uncomfortable if he cheerfully said hello to everyone in the group and then sat quietly in the circle (or even out of the circle) and focused on his phone.  I'm not sure if I would consider it "rude" but I would find it weird and it might hinder my enjoyment.

The dynamics are sort of the same.  We're all there for a specific reason.  Discussing a book and socializing or watching a game and socializing (though with a sports bar you MIGHT be there for the food and not the game).  In both case the "offender" is not bothering anyone else.  For a reason I can't quite put my finger on it - I put sports into a whole different category which let's ME off the hook.   ;D

Jobiska

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #46 on: February 03, 2017, 12:16:51 PM »
There are so many reasons she could have been paying more attention to her phone--maybe she was the DD as has been speculated, maybe a work colleague had a work crisis or a girlfriend had a love crisis or a babysitter had a baby crisis and she had to keep responding, maybe....well, you get the drift. 

bah12

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #47 on: February 03, 2017, 12:18:56 PM »
So you're all saying it's okay to just sit there and pretty much ignore everyone in your group?

It's for the group to say...not any of us.  If her group is comfortable with the level of interaction they have, then it's totally fine.  Like others have said, you can't know that dynamic looking over from a table away.  You may have noticed that the group wasn't interacting with her or her with them, but how do you know she was ignoring them or vice versa?  Those words are not synonymous.  I could just as easily surmise that they were not interacting with her because they were just as focused on the game as she was on her phone.  But until one of them was actively trying to engage her, you cannot conclude that she was ignoring them.  In my group this is totally normal interaction when some people are watching a game and others aren't interested.  No one gets upset and we interact with each other when the game isn't on.

And, I just thought of this.  I have an acquaintance through work who's teenage son is very hard of hearing.  He has an app on his phone that allows him have conversations in cc and I think sometimes he can use when cc isn't available on the tv to "hear" what is being said.  Maybe she was doing that?

FauxFoodist

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #48 on: February 03, 2017, 12:36:21 PM »
For some reason I can't fathom, the fact that this girl wasn't participating in watching the game seems to bother you. Unless she did something to spoil your enjoyment of the game - other than by minding her own business - she wasn't rude.

I don't think TheaterDiva1 meant to ask whether the girl was rude to her - but rather whether she was rude to her friends. Only her friends can be the judges of that, but in my circle of friends, it would be totally alright.

Thanks Maria - I didn't think her behavior affected me since she wasn't, as a PP put it, "there for my entertainment." I was thinking more of the dynamics within that group and figured that would make an interesting discussion on this board.

See, I didn't get that from the initial post.  Since you included that you tried to engage her twice and were ignored, I thought you were asking if she were rude, period, to all around her.

Anyway, this is where I stand:
There are so many reasons she could have been paying more attention to her phone--maybe she was the DD as has been speculated, maybe a work colleague had a work crisis or a girlfriend had a love crisis or a babysitter had a baby crisis and she had to keep responding, maybe....well, you get the drift. 

We don't know why she appeared to not be interacting with her group.  I don't think she was rude based on what was observed by the OP.

SianMcClay

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #49 on: February 03, 2017, 12:40:28 PM »
While I agree with others that this woman was not rude, I do have some other ideas to throw in the pot.  Let me know if they don't belong here.  I tend to misjudge the point sometimes I think.

I don't think this woman was rude for a few reasons.  First, just because her friends are participating with others outside group, doesn't oblige her to do the same.  Also, how would anyone outside the group know whether she wanted to attend the bar with the group, but had some work she had to do, or be available for and that's what she was doing at the time in mention?  She could be a mid-wife, she could be an AA sponsor (yes, I see the irony, but alcoholics are often able to go to a bar and not drink), she could be answering time important questions for work, who knows?  She could have also been googling "how to enjoy yourself when everyone else is watching the game?"

It sounds like OP experienced a failed hi five, which is always a bit awkward and I can see why he/she thought it odd.

But, if one is in a sports bar and there is a big game on, it may be the "main" activity but it's not necessarily the only activity.  There have been many times where I've walked into a pub for lunch with my book and my pad and paper only to find a loud somewhat crowded dinning room and a "big game on".  Pubs, and even sports bars, function as normal pubs and bars when there are not big events on, so people get used to going to them for other reasons.  (However this woman was with a group that was obviously there for the game). 
When I walk in on a big game, even though I know little about sports, I always end up watching.  I can't read with the racket and I can get in to the sport temporarily, but if I had gone in with other friends to drink and socialize and we found that there was a big game on, we would still drink and socialize because that you can do with the noise.  The roaring of a goal only happens once in a while.

Here's the ideas I'm throwing in. Number 1.  I live near a Tapas place that has a Flamenco dancer on weekends, and often someone singing.  I love the Flamenco dancer.  My eyes burn when I watch her because I'm so mesmerized I rarely blink.  She's from Spain, she in her forties, she a bigger woman than you'd want a dancer to be and for all these reasons she feels totally authentic to me and I feel like I'm on a wonderful vacation.  However, sometimes, there are large parties that come in and eat and drink and be merry and loud and completely ignore this woman when she is dancing.  The thing is I'm not sure that this kind of behaviour isn't expected, that perhaps the show is just an additional plus to the tapas to either be enjoyed or ignored at one's will.  Thoughts?

Number 2.  The piano player in a bar.  These entertainers are providing live background music.  It's expected that people will talk and laugh and make merry, while this person is playing away.  Although you'll find some customers enchanted by the piano players, requesting songs and glaring at the others around them. 

So is the big game at a sports bar, the flamenco dancer at a tapas restaurant or the piano player at the piano bar all on par with each other?  I ask this in response to what I believe is OP's question "is it o.k. to ignore the main activity?"  Because I'm not sure the big game is the main activity for the entire bar, I think it may be the main activity for some patrons, but not necessarily all.

bah12

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #50 on: February 03, 2017, 12:47:22 PM »
I don't think watching a football game is the main activity at a bar...even one billed as a sports bar.  I think it is an activity that is offered, just as drinks (alcoholic and non), food and conversation are also activities for the bar.  I think it's unreasonable to go into a sports bar and request to watch Dr. Phil but I don't think it's unreasonable to go to a sports bar and not pay attention to the game.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #51 on: February 03, 2017, 12:49:28 PM »
For some reason I can't fathom, the fact that this girl wasn't participating in watching the game seems to bother you. Unless she did something to spoil your enjoyment of the game - other than by minding her own business - she wasn't rude.

I don't think TheaterDiva1 meant to ask whether the girl was rude to her - but rather whether she was rude to her friends. Only her friends can be the judges of that, but in my circle of friends, it would be totally alright.

Thanks Maria - I didn't think her behavior affected me since she wasn't, as a PP put it, "there for my entertainment." I was thinking more of the dynamics within that group and figured that would make an interesting discussion on this board.

If your focus was on whether it was rude to go to a group event and not interact with her party, you might want to think about ways to rephrase your initial post. 

Quote
Whenever I went to them, I noticed one girl in their group constantly playing with her phone, not even looking up at all the commotion or paying attention to anything outside her phone. She was like that between touchdowns too (she was right in my eyeline). She was sitting close enough that I tried to include her in a high-five the first couple times, then gave up.

To me, that whole thing seems rude. Why even bother going if you're not going to acknowledge the main event? I can see getting bored and checking your phone during the game, but once you hear everyone screaming around you, wouldn't that be your cue to maybe put the phone down and show some interest?

The bolded implied to me that you thought her interaction with all around her was rude. You also ended your paragraph about her actions with an item that was about you and then opened the next with your opinion of her actions.

But even with her group, unless she was preventing her friends from their enjoyment by pouting or complaining, then no I don't think it's rude. For all we know, she was visiting from out of town, her friends wanted to go to this location known to support their favorite team and she said "No prob. I'm not a fan of football but I'm happy to entertain myself." So she could really have been being a good sport with her actions instead of being a pain.

starbuck

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #52 on: February 03, 2017, 01:30:03 PM »
This kind of reminds me of those comments/memes on social media sometimes, about how sad it is when couples are out to dinner or the cafe and ignore each other for their phones.  DH and I spend more time together than any couple I know. We're best friends and really love being together. When we go out, sometimes we are both on our phones while waiting for our orders or whatnot. Anyone looking at that would judge it as a marriage with emotional distance because they don't see us hiking together, eating 99 percent of meals together, talking over coffee, watching our shows...you get the idea.

Point being, we really have no idea what's going on when we're outside the group/relationship.

TurtleDove

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #53 on: February 03, 2017, 01:38:40 PM »
This kind of reminds me of those comments/memes on social media sometimes, about how sad it is when couples are out to dinner or the cafe and ignore each other for their phones.  DH and I spend more time together than any couple I know. We're best friends and really love being together. When we go out, sometimes we are both on our phones while waiting for our orders or whatnot. Anyone looking at that would judge it as a marriage with emotional distance because they don't see us hiking together, eating 99 percent of meals together, talking over coffee, watching our shows...you get the idea.

Point being, we really have no idea what's going on when we're outside the group/relationship.

100% agreed. Slightly off topic, but it always bothers me to see memes or comments about people "not being in the moment" or "missing out on life" because they are taking pictures or video. Different people enjoy different things in different ways, and one way is not inherently better than another.

Twik

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #54 on: February 03, 2017, 01:43:25 PM »
To me, that whole thing seems rude. Why even bother going if you're not going to acknowledge the main event? I can see getting bored and checking your phone during the game, but once you hear everyone screaming around you, wouldn't that be your cue to maybe put the phone down and show some interest?

Maybe she was hungry?

No, she's not obligated to join in with other people in their excitement. She's neither your guest nor your employee.
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Firecat

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #55 on: February 03, 2017, 01:53:48 PM »
This kind of reminds me of those comments/memes on social media sometimes, about how sad it is when couples are out to dinner or the cafe and ignore each other for their phones.  DH and I spend more time together than any couple I know. We're best friends and really love being together. When we go out, sometimes we are both on our phones while waiting for our orders or whatnot. Anyone looking at that would judge it as a marriage with emotional distance because they don't see us hiking together, eating 99 percent of meals together, talking over coffee, watching our shows...you get the idea.

Point being, we really have no idea what's going on when we're outside the group/relationship.

This could be me and my DH, although in our case, it tends to be a book (or me with a book, and DH with his e-reader). Of course, we might also be both sitting there reading, but holding hands across the table with our free hands. One of the waitresses at a restaurant we go to fairly often has said how "cute" we are (which might seem overly personal, but we see her most times we're in there, so not as odd as it might be).

Semperviren

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #56 on: February 03, 2017, 02:26:40 PM »
I'm a movie buff. Friends of mine host an annual Academy Awards party. It's kind of a big deal, for those of us who are into it-we dress up and get there early to watch the red carpet and have a movie-themed dinner and fill out ballots and hoot and holler during the speeches and the kids make up and hand out out silly "awards" to the adults at the end.

In the group, there are a couple of spouses who just don't really care about all this stuff. They come for the meal and maybe to chat a bit during breaks, but pretty much keep to themselves and do a jigsaw in the corner or mess around on their iPads during the show while the rest of us act like fools. I don't find this rude at all, quite the opposite. Rude, to me, would be sitting there clearly bored out of their minds, sighing and eye-rolling and watch-checking and squashing everyone else's enthusiasm. They're not doing that. They've gamely accompanied a spouse who IS a buff, and had the grace to entertain themselves quietly while others throughly enjoy the show.

I suppose they could just stay home, since they're not really into the Oscars and everyone else is. But I think most of us are glad they come anyway. Just because their enthusiasm level is much lower than ours doesn't mean they're not a good addition to the party.

Take2

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #57 on: February 03, 2017, 02:32:09 PM »
At my very own Super Bowl party last year, I probably watched 20 minutes of the game, roughly. And yet I attended a child's birthday party where I watched more than half of a football party while the kids played dodge ball. Different parties will have different emphasis on the main activity. I am not a huge football fan, and all my friends know that. Any die-hards would be better off at a different party because mine will have lots of football shaped food and lots of chatting and kids running around and beer. Someone could watch the entire game at the party, but they would be the outlier.

Heck, my daughter has been looking forward to this year's SB party for weeks, and she hates football...for HER the main activities are eating queso and the little lemon cakes she is helping me make, and her stepdad's brisket, plus the opportunity to run around upstairs with a gaggle of friends while the grownups watch the dumb game. Her little brother would be fine with or without the party, as long as the game is on. Which one is the better party-goer? I'd say both are happy and contributing to the party's success.

mime

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #58 on: February 03, 2017, 04:30:22 PM »
I think it depends on the group, and on factors that we can't possibly know. I think these are my thoughts, from best to worst (barring any hidden disability or unusual circumstance):

If she was brought along by a significant other and knew that she was going to be disengaged with the rest of us for the whole time, I'd wonder why she came along, but if she's OK with it, then so am I.

If she was invited to hang out at a sports bar where the game was playing, and was interested in the food and conversation but not the game and as a result wound up spending most of the time on her phone because everyone else was engaged in the game, I'd remember not to invite her to that kind of thing again because it was a bad fit. I'd also apologize to her since the event must not have been what she had expected.

If she was invited to catch the game at a fan bar (not quite the same as a typical sports bar), then was on her phone the whole time and never socialized with any of us, then I'd remember not to invite her to that kind of thing again. Honestly, I'd wonder why she even accepted the invitation.

If she came along to catch the game, and the invite was more about the game than the food, and then tried to distract others from the game because she wasn't interested in it and wanted to have a conversation, then I'd try to avoid her so I could engage with the whole group in the game instead. Yep, that's a pet peeve of mine at Super Bowl parties... don't assume I don't like football just because I'm 'the wife'.


pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Ignoring The Main Activity
« Reply #59 on: February 03, 2017, 07:47:16 PM »
I vote she was not being rude.  If the group she was with felt she was rude within the mores of that group, then they are free to not invite her the next time. 

I also feel that she was not rude to people outside her group.  She was not imposing her behavior on you.  She was being quiet and withdrawn.
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