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  • June 25, 2017, 02:16:03 PM

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Author Topic: Including/not offending people when eloping?  (Read 3311 times)

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notexactlybridematerial

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2017, 03:33:36 AM »
Wow thanks for all the responses, guys, you are amazing. I should probably clarify a few things. We are on the other side of the world, it costs thousands for one person to travel here and back, so certainly I don't want to invalidate their feelings on it and would not say to them that it is just signing a piece of paper, but we are uncomfortable obliging his family to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on travelling for something that is not a ceremony, especially when we are not in a financial position to contribute to that. (I don't have any immediate family myself, so it is less an issue for me). Other thing to make things interesting, I can't go back to that country, so letting them throw us a party there is not an option either.

TurtleDove: Yeah you are right about that, however you choose to do it, there will always be people who think that you are getting married "at" them some how, you are a bit doomed with that no matter what. I am just trying to be as warm and compassionate as I can while also not throwing a big white wedding we can't afford and don't want.

gramma dishes: I left that up to my fiance because they are his family after all, he thinks telling them the week before is better.

Mustard: For sure that would make sense if it wasn't such a big distance/expense

Kaypeep: I get this approach too, but the distance and the differences make it easier to be misunderstood. We are settling here, and so it is much harder to get back to a comfortable rapport, which is why I want to try and be proactive and inclusive.

SamiHami: I laughed at your tigers. I don't know that they are so tigerish. If we could be in the same place as them, for sure I'd want to include them, I am just looking for a ways to do that without the prohibitive cost. It is interesting how new dilemmas like these are really, my grandmother moved to another continent to elope with my grandfather, there would have been no way for family to be present at all, and it was not considered a snub, the big wedding with everyone there is mostly a new concept really.

Hmmmmm: Yes! That is exactly what I was trying to do, thank you. But yeah, the party in their country isn't an option. The flowers are a great idea though, thanks for that.

RedneckGravy: Ditto!

Harriet Jones: Well that is terrifying. The timing is a bit impossible really. We don't want to seem like we are going behind their backs and want to make them feel included but yeah, we also don't want them to try that (although I think that is why my fiance thought the week before because probably the tickets would be absolutely impossible then)

Deetee: Thank you for the affirmations! Certainly I wouldn't want to invalidate their feelings if they saw it that way, but in our case, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances, it's not a decision that has anything to do with them personally. Do you think you would have been better if your father had spend some one on one time with you beforehand to show you you are important to him and he values your relationship? Zero issues with it coming from my fiance, he is amazing and never just expects me to do all the emotional labour with his family just because I am the woman, we are very much a team.

gellchom: I mean it is a very memorable acronym, and what better one if you are looking to redress a faux pas :) The distance stuff comes into this, his grandmothers would be completely unable to travel (another reason why we didn't want people to travel, it disproportionately excludes our loved ones with less money and disabilities.) It's not that they are not important to us, or their presence is not important, but yeah, if they spent thousands of dollars to get here, that does illicit a certain amount of expectation we are in no kind of position to fulfil. This is why we want to use everything we can to include them without that. That is a good script

artk2002: This is why I am looking to include them in the first place, but include them within our means, trying to be practical and thoughtful, rather than having a set idea of what it should be. Maybe that is naive, but this is what I'm going for.

Thanks so much again everyone :) You're all epic.





cheyne

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2017, 09:16:46 AM »
For a different perspective, I come from a family that either elopes, elopes with notice or has a teeny-tiny wedding.  It may be the military heritage (people getting married on leave from war or their overseas base) but no one in my family feels "snubbed" when a couple marries this way.  The "snubby" feeling comes when a member of the family has a huge blow-out and certain people for whatever reason are not invited.

You say you cannot travel back to your DF's country, where his family lives, which is thousands of miles away.  Well, that kinda puts paid to a big wedding where his family is, yes?  If you don't have the money to host a wedding where you live now, why would you invite anyone at all?  Most people will feel a bit hurt, but will come to realize that you two did the only thing you can do, get married and announce it later.

My advice would be to get married and tell the family after the fact. 

Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.

kudeebee

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2017, 11:28:21 PM »
If df does tell them a week early and if they do buy tickets and show up, what will you do? Will it change your plans, will you feel like you need to host them with a dinner?  Can you afford to do this?  Will they push for a different ceremony?  I know you say the tickets are thousands so they probably won't come, but you never know.

I agree with getting married and then telling them afterwards.  Have the ceremony you want, the celebration that you want.

When you tell them, don't be apologetic. SamiHami had a good suggestion  "Hey guess what! We are MARRIED! We just knew the moment was right, so we went for it. It was so romantic, just the two of us..."

Twik

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2017, 01:05:55 PM »
I agree with the previous poster that this is really your fiancé's job to settle with his family. Your job is to settle with yours. Otherwise you'll become what Miss Manners described as "poor dear Franklin and that girl." The girl who bears all the blame for "poor dear Franklin" not doing the right thing (whatever his family thinks the right thing is).

This is another part of "beginning as you mean to go on." It's not your job as the female partner to manage all the emotional/social issues of your union. Even more than housekeeping and bills, this chore should be split fairly.

If you can speak to your family members openly about why this choice worked for you, it will likely cause less fireworks than little gift packages.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Andicatt

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2017, 01:01:22 PM »
Can you Skype the wedding?  That way everyone who wants to see you get married can.   :)

Team HoundMom

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2017, 01:51:37 PM »
I agree with getting married and then telling them afterwards.  Have the ceremony you want, the celebration that you want.

When you tell them, don't be apologetic. SamiHami had a good suggestion  "Hey guess what! We are MARRIED! We just knew the moment was right, so we went for it. It was so romantic, just the two of us..."

Isn't the whole point of eloping to not have anybody there?  I know a couple who walked up to a drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas in July and didn't tell anyone until Christmas Eve.  I joked that she had *my* dream wedding.

I personally think eloping is the best way to go, but my husband insisted that his mom be at ours so we had all our parents and 2 best friends each in Las Vegas.  It was perfect. 

IMHO, your wedding is that ONE DAY that you and your husband get that's all yours.  Make it unique to you as a couple.

gellchom

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2017, 02:53:30 PM »
IMHO, your wedding is that ONE DAY that you and your husband get that's all yours.  Make it unique to you as a couple.

I can see that point of view, but to me, it's almost the opposite: the wedding is the most "public" day of the marriage.  It's the day that you change your status in the community from singles to a couple, a new family.  It's every day after that that you two are on your own and it's private, just about you.

maksi

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2017, 02:57:31 PM »
I think there's no point in telling them in advance, it will only make them feel like they should try to participate. Even if it's probably impossible with such a short notice, they might feel pressure and guilty about not being able to do something that you're definitely not even wanting them to do.

Call them afterwards and/or send the little pics and all you were planning to, tell them that you'll raise a toast (or eat cake, whatever suits best) to celebrate the next time you all meet.

miranova

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2017, 04:22:20 PM »
Three things

1) It is absolutely you and your fiance's choice how and when to get married. 100%.
2) There is no way that the families will not see it as snub. It is a snub.

Well, I totally disagree, but I am biased since I eloped.  It was absolutely NOT a snub.  A snub, to me, requires intent.  Neither I nor my husband intended to upset anyone.  And maybe we were naive, but we truly thought everyone would just be happy for us and glad that they didn't have to spend any money on us.  We were both previously married, and just could not bring ourselves to ask our families to go through the expense and hassle again.  We just wanted to be married, it wasn't about sending any kind of message to anyone, which is what a snub implies.

Of course, this didn't stop my MIL from being mortally offended and going on and on about how we did this "to her" for the next five years.  Again, I was naive.  I do NOT regret our decision in the slightest and I stand behind it.  My family and most of his were fine with it and just happy for us.  One unreasonable person being ridiculously pouty for five years over something doesn't mean we did something "wrong".  It just means we have a difficult family member.  I am 100% certain that she would have been offended about something if we had done it her way anyway.

I do agree to acknowledge feelings of disappointment.  That's totally fair. People are allowed to feel things and to have disappointments.  But they don't get to guilt you or treat you like you did something wrong.  This is your decision.  Be prepared for hurt, but don't give in to massive guilt tripping.

TootsNYC

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2017, 10:44:37 PM »
Here's where I would fall, as a mother.

Either tell me in enough time that I can be there (so, I need to save up vacation time, avoid other entanglements, and get an affordable plane ticket).

Or don't tell me until after. And live with the idea that, even though I love you, I'm going to be pretty hurt. You will send the message that you didn't want me at the wedding.

Because if you tell me a week ahead of time, when I can't get there, it's just rubbing my nose in the idea that you don't want me there.

You are in total control of the ceremony and any reception--nobody can do anything there that YOU don't want to do. You don't have to have a huge fuss. You can invite parents only (w/ enough advance notice that it's actually possible for them to come), have a City Hall wedding and lunch at McDonald's afterward, if that's what you want.


RainyDays

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #25 on: June 13, 2017, 09:28:17 AM »
Here's where I would fall, as a mother.

Either tell me in enough time that I can be there (so, I need to save up vacation time, avoid other entanglements, and get an affordable plane ticket).

Or don't tell me until after. And live with the idea that, even though I love you, I'm going to be pretty hurt. You will send the message that you didn't want me at the wedding.

Because if you tell me a week ahead of time, when I can't get there, it's just rubbing my nose in the idea that you don't want me there.

You are in total control of the ceremony and any reception--nobody can do anything there that YOU don't want to do. You don't have to have a huge fuss. You can invite parents only (w/ enough advance notice that it's actually possible for them to come), have a City Hall wedding and lunch at McDonald's afterward, if that's what you want.

See, and I would feel the opposite. I'd rather know and be excited for DS and hypothetical bride/groom/whatever (even if I was sad that I couldn't be there) than to learn after the fact. It would feel more like I was in the "everyone else" camp of finding out afterwards. Which is fine -- it's his (hypothetical) decision. But to know in advance would be akin to being in on a private secret that only those closest would know about.

Devils Advocate

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #26 on: June 13, 2017, 10:15:10 AM »
Here's where I would fall, as a mother.

Either tell me in enough time that I can be there (so, I need to save up vacation time, avoid other entanglements, and get an affordable plane ticket).

Or don't tell me until after. And live with the idea that, even though I love you, I'm going to be pretty hurt. You will send the message that you didn't want me at the wedding.

Because if you tell me a week ahead of time, when I can't get there, it's just rubbing my nose in the idea that you don't want me there.

You are in total control of the ceremony and any reception--nobody can do anything there that YOU don't want to do. You don't have to have a huge fuss. You can invite parents only (w/ enough advance notice that it's actually possible for them to come), have a City Hall wedding and lunch at McDonald's afterward, if that's what you want.

I have to agree with this.  It's your marriage and how you get married is up to you.  That is the choice you make.  At the same time, it's also okay for family to be hurt that they weren't included, weren't told, etc.  If my sons or daughter eloped--that would be their choice--but they would have to understand I would be hurt.  Marriage isn't just two people getting married---it's two families joining together. 

Honestly--if it's a money/location issue then I actually really like telling the parents in advance (especially the conservative family) and Skyping them in for it.  I don't see anything that sounds like you don't like each other families, your estranged from your families, etc.  However, you do live thousands of miles away--that's already a pretty big hit for family.  This is a big event, do you it how you want but understand the long term consequences of doing what you want--and there is validity in those feelings. 

gellchom

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #27 on: June 13, 2017, 11:47:21 AM »
I see a big difference between an invitation a few days before, that makes it very inconvenient if not pretty much impossible to attend, and telling parents, a few days before, "This is what we are going to do, and we are truly sorry it disappoints you, but it is what works for us, so please help us by understanding and supporting our decision."

And definitely, the biggest difference for me would be entirely private as opposed to the HC and a few of their friends -- but not their parents.  The first says, "We want this to be just the two of us."  The second says, "We do want some special people there -- and that does not include you."

My dear brother and his husband got married at City Hall without anyone else there -- just another couple who were also marrying the same day; they were each others' witnesses.   They told our mom the night before and me the day after.  Of course we were all disappointed -- we would have loved a wedding where we could all celebrate.  But we all completely understood that this is what worked for them, and we were happy to support their choice.  If they had had even a few friends there, that would have stung.

Winterlight

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #28 on: June 14, 2017, 12:51:34 PM »
Gellchom makes a good distinction there.

Also, if you do invite them, what happens if they show up? His family may very well decide that selling grandma's pearls and mortgaging the cat are worth it to be at their child's wedding.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

gellchom

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Re: Including/not offending people when eloping?
« Reply #29 on: June 14, 2017, 01:37:59 PM »