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  • January 22, 2018, 08:43:49 AM

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Author Topic: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor" update #57  (Read 18397 times)

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Last_Dance

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BG: Bomboniere (wedding/christening favors) are a pretty big deal in Italian culture. We don't just gift them at weddings, but also at Christenings, First Communions, Confirmations, university graduations, and important wedding anniversaries (e.g. 25 years, 50 years). They can make up a significant part of the wedding/etc budget.

Sunday we will hold DD's christening. We decided to keep it small: only our parents, close relatives, my and DH's godparents and obviously DD's godparents.
I have just had the following conversation with my mother.

Mom: You know, (Family Friend) gave us a christening gift for DD
Me: That's nice, I'll make a satchel of confetti for her (confetti in Italy are sweets that are eaten only at weddings and christenings)
Mom: Don't you have an extra favor?
Me: No, we specifically counted one each.We can order it, maybe
Mom: Well, maybe I'll just give her my own, then! (snidely)

We ended up arguing about something else later, so it didn't strike ne until later just how insulting that was.
I know once you give a gift, it's out of your hands, but if somebody told you to your face they were planning to give it away before you even gave it...how offended would you be?
« Last Edit: February 22, 2017, 12:46:48 AM by Last_Dance »
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Redneck Gravy

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2017, 03:14:30 PM »
I would be offended.

Mom, did I understand you correctly?  You are planning on giving my gift to you for the christening to Family Friend?  Mom, that hurts my feelings because....

You know your Mom better than I do, is this a battle you want to wage?

Interested in others thoughts. 


MindsEye

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2017, 03:19:47 PM »
I would be somewhere between offended and peeved.

More about the assumption that 1) I should have "extra" favors and 2) someone else thinks they can tell me what to do with my hypothetical "extra" favors.

For this situation, if I were you I think my response would have been a flat "You do whatever you want to do with it".  And if I had been planning on personalizing the favors?  I wouldn't bother personalizing the one you give your mom.


Redneck Gravy

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2017, 03:35:09 PM »
if you have any extra confetti you need to give away I can help you with that  ;)

I am not understanding why your Mom is picking a fight with you over this?  Send the confetti if you so desire, if your Mom gives her gift away that is her choice. 

But I'd still be offended and I grow more offended by each passing moment. 
 

HannahGrace

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2017, 03:40:34 PM »
Based on your previous posts about your mother, this seems like par for the course.

wolfie

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2017, 03:40:41 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Last_Dance

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2017, 03:56:10 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Favors can be a ton of different things: in our case, we chose a small china picture frame (ok, we got slightly bigger and more expensive ones for the godparents, but that's expected). Not a very expensive favor, but, as I said, they can be.
People who are not invited to the event just get the satchel of candy and Family Friend is not invited to the Christening.

ETA: also, it was the tone that did it. That, and my mother has a history of pulling the "I always sacrifice myself for others but nobody cares about me" card
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

PA Mom

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2017, 04:36:30 PM »
So your mom wants to give family friend the china photo frame, because she doesn't feel the confetti is a good enough gift for the family friend?

That is really unkind to you.

Hillia

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2017, 04:46:13 PM »
And just to clarify, it's expected in this culture that a person might send a gift and not be invited to the occasion, and they would not expect anything more than a thank you and perhaps a small gift (the confetti, in your case) - they would not expect the favor given to attendees, nor would they be offended by not receiving one?

Surianne

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2017, 05:09:40 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Yeah, I don't see an insult in offering to pass along her favour.  It sounds like maybe the tone of voice is what made it insulting?  Based just on the words, it seems like a nice gesture to me -- she wants to acknowledge the friend's gift and to her, giving up her own favour is a good way to do it.

Harriet Jones

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #10 on: February 13, 2017, 05:14:50 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Yeah, I don't see an insult in offering to pass along her favour.  It sounds like maybe the tone of voice is what made it insulting?  Based just on the words, it seems like a nice gesture to me -- she wants to acknowledge the friend's gift and to her, giving up her own favour is a good way to do it.

Perhaps you missed the snide tone mentioned in the OP.  If her mom had just passed on the favor quietly, I don't think it would be so insulting.  It seems that the OP's mother is insinuating that OP is in the wrong for not having extra favors for people not invited to the christening.

Surianne

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2017, 05:16:44 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Yeah, I don't see an insult in offering to pass along her favour.  It sounds like maybe the tone of voice is what made it insulting?  Based just on the words, it seems like a nice gesture to me -- she wants to acknowledge the friend's gift and to her, giving up her own favour is a good way to do it.

Perhaps you missed the snide tone mentioned in the OP.  If her mom had just passed on the favor quietly, I don't think it would be so insulting.  It seems that the OP's mother is insinuating that OP is in the wrong for not having extra favors for people not invited to the christening.

I'm confused -- I specifically mentioned the tone of voice.  Did you mean to reply to someone else?

Harriet Jones

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2017, 05:18:11 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Yeah, I don't see an insult in offering to pass along her favour.  It sounds like maybe the tone of voice is what made it insulting?  Based just on the words, it seems like a nice gesture to me -- she wants to acknowledge the friend's gift and to her, giving up her own favour is a good way to do it.

Perhaps you missed the snide tone mentioned in the OP.  If her mom had just passed on the favor quietly, I don't think it would be so insulting.  It seems that the OP's mother is insinuating that OP is in the wrong for not having extra favors for people not invited to the christening.

I'm confused -- I specifically mentioned the tone of voice.  Did you mean to reply to someone else?

You were questioning whether snide is insulting.  It is.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2017, 07:41:36 PM by Harriet Jones »

metallicafan

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2017, 05:37:08 PM »
Fellow Italian here, I   know the Bomboniere are important!  :)
I know that once you give your mom the favor that it's hers to do what she wants with it, but I would be bothered by this too.
Can you talk to her, and explain that the favor is a special momento of the occasion, and that you want Her to have it and not give it away?
 

bah12

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2017, 05:48:59 PM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Yeah, I don't see an insult in offering to pass along her favour.  It sounds like maybe the tone of voice is what made it insulting?  Based just on the words, it seems like a nice gesture to me -- she wants to acknowledge the friend's gift and to her, giving up her own favour is a good way to do it.

Perhaps you missed the snide tone mentioned in the OP.  If her mom had just passed on the favor quietly, I don't think it would be so insulting.  It seems that the OP's mother is insinuating that OP is in the wrong for not having extra favors for people not invited to the christening.

I'm confused -- I specifically mentioned the tone of voice.  Did you mean to reply to someone else?

You were questioning whether a snide is insulting.  It is.

I don't think she was.  It reads like she is saying the words/gesture alone don't seem insulting, but that the tone of voice was what put the OP off.

I think everyone can agree that snide comments are rude and I think this particular instance is probably more centered on personalities and relationships than on whether or not favors should be 'openly re-gifted'.

Personally, I think that giving a favor over the confetti to those that are not attending the christening is totally her choice and her mother shouldn't take it upon herself to 'fix' the situation by re-gifting favors.  I don't blame the OP for her irritation.  Especially if the gift was meant to meaningful to the family attending, this could be seen as hugely insulting.